journal insanity 5 1/20/2023

you wanna hear an embraesign story… its r rated… I didnt masturbate until iw as a freshman in high school…. I had no idea how it worked and got addicted with my dreerpssion.. its all idid beside homework for weeks, maybe months … adn I kept trying to think were I was supposed to stick it I had It down to stomach mouth or but… and thats how babies were made… I dint pay attention in sex edl… I just wanted to embarrass the hell outta myself again …

fck sophia ..she didnt believe me … id rather be with satan..

so the voices are sayin go was raped in middle school… I dont knwo where or how.. apparently I had sex before I masturabted… fuck you… you cant prove I have a. daughter.. im not a creep… you think. guy that could takllk to girls for most of his life would rape another woman fuck you… so yeah if io have a daughter I was raped or it had to do with me masturabting in the hospital and theat getting inside her








Can I just meet my soul mate now? im tired of waiting and doing nothing with m life… I hate myself…im unless.. I have no oconverstaionsal skills… I have no friends I do withings wtih… even y fail ive been distanced from…. I hate myslef… I jsut wnana be with her … someone to make me happy… someone to give me purpose … SOMEONE THAT ELIVES MY WORD AND DOESNT HINK IM SOME PHYCOPAHT LIAR… FUCK YOU





I wish I hadn’t written taht im so sorry.. everyones my ally

Dear Father,

I am. what I am. some call me flesh and blood… others shadows and dust… others a miserable pile of secrets…. but I believe we are secrets… secrets to unravel… you push us … life demands…. others bend and sway…. but deep down… we all have something to offer…. from the giddiness of laughter to the tears of sorrow… from wisdom and discovery to foolishness and horsplay… and we unravel secrets about life everyday… we discover new phrases new ideas notice new patterns…. and maybe the most important thing… we interact … thats the beauty of life… we never know how one interaction gonna go (when were authentic ) new conversations new everything fresh from not the mind but the soul… and we care … we fucking give a damn… because

so was my sin loved my soul mate more than a goddess didnt I? and it cost me dearly…

Sophia please dont make me do it all again… but thats my problem… I always want to save everyone… I hate seeing anyone suffer isnt it?

sorry the mind went through some crazy stuff today…. irnogre the highlighted … I odnt awant people to suffer if possible ( unless it leads to good and helping good people and bring justice and freedom and harmony)…. but after that the voices made me think Lucifer was my soul mate … then Sofia.. than Sofia…then like id relieved ta gajillion time love rand couldnt save teh world…. like I wanted to save everyone but couldnt no matter what… or I wanted my soul mate and either didnt want Sophia or wanted Sophia too desperately …. and I had to relive everything ( no memories have come back ) Im a creative cate tell you what…. I just wanted to apologize about my mind racing and me going crazy…. but yeah im excited to finally meet her when I do

forgive me….

dear soul mate

will you love me

when I go crazy

when I hear voices

when they tell me your against me

will you still trust me

dear soul mate mate

will you love me

when I get depressed

when I feel empty

and dont wanna do anything

will you stilll want me

dear soul mate

will you be with me

through thick and thin

so when im at my worst

and forget my love

will you still love me…

oh and the voices made it sound like Jesus was named after me and the apostle Paul lol

im gonna fight for Gabriel… I m not gonna wait for the words…. Im tired of sayin ill be with whoever chase the least pain… I wnat who. I want…. I wnat whose best for me… who saftifies my dreams…. who care stew most about. me… who always believed me… who alway Sunderland me… who was willing to sacrifice fro mc.. who has the most beautiful soul… who is lotyal and faithful as she is kinda nd compassionate…. who I know I s a good guy. who was never fooled… who always had my back… who gave me everything… I wanna fight for Gabriel to be my soul mate…. don t test me

what do I have to give up

to gain her

id give my world

to be hers

what do I need to do

to win her over

id trek thru hell

to be with her in heaven

why do other girls exist

in my life ?

why are they around

when I just want her

when I just need her

other girls

why are you in my life?

what purpose do you hold?

why did God create you

when He made her

the pinnacle of womanhood

other souls

you tried

got close

but failed

to match her

the perfect soul

other lovers

why waste your breathe

you cant compete

your just cheap imitation

compared to her love for me


where can God go from here?

how can God top her?

there is no rival

no close competitor

why didnt you make her as eve?

the whole world woulda been enlightened

with the divine wisdom of her

Adam would have learned right from wrong

and this eve… this superior eve

would have trained all mankind

in the ways of truth and virtue

I suppose there would have never been a need

for salvation for redemption

cause I know if she was eve

no one would have ever sinned

and all would be well

with our beloved mother of all mankind

ruler over guiding our father


they said they loved me

this one that one

I feel for each and every whim

I didnt know

but I think I know now

I want the one

who I know

pure. always and forever

the one that cared the most

the one that cared first

the one willing to risk it all

teh one who was willing to give me up

to save humanity

but I dont wanna save humanity anymore

thats my second tier priority

my first is being with you

now and forever

because you are worth

more than the entire creation

if Creator and creation

disappeared or vanished

if they suffered forever

it wouldnt be as heartbreaking

as not being with you

forgive me world… but I had to chose between her and you… I wouldnt hesitate to be with Gabrielle forever



I really believed it… and I still might if no one shows up (and the voices come back (honest) ) but who I say is my soul mate???? CNA I MEET HER FUCK EVERYONE I JUST WANN MEET MY SOUL MATE!!

does she really have red hair???

how did you know she was my soul mate?

what’s she like?

is she like what I described??

so shes smart too?

does she get me?

did (can) GOd give her bigger boobs as a reward for me?


what now?

God as a special request…when she dies….if Im still alive… can you take me with her??? Just leave this physical world … ikon way kids will be sad but I dont know if ill have enough to go on

dear woman

my dearest

how did you know?

how did you realize that I was for you

and understand that you were mine?

dear woman

my dearest

I dont even know you

I made you up a fantasy

I thought if I dreamt it it was possible

are you really real?

dear woman

my one and only

I fucking love you

I wanna fuck you madly

I’m a horny bastard with you around

you make me an animal with you perfection

and it drives me wild

sorry im just overwhelmed… my heads spinning… its been so fucking hard… the lack of sleep… the pain at night… the never-ending voices… teh confusion … the doubt …. teh depression… lack of enjoyment of anything…. desire of an unknown girl with no surety just my fuckin gut…. the weight of a war … thewight of jail.. the weight of hell… teh doubt in the Bible … and fucling getting told im greater than GOd meaning I have no where to turn to …. I just wann roll in a ball and weep … its been so fucking hard… I just wanna die…. just take me in my sleep God ive done enough… but id like to see her and go on just one date…my heart is heay… thank you God for music!!!


BUT I WANNA BE WITH HER MORE scratch that: my family needs me… ill live at least for them

if we are rich enough… soul mate… can we have a room with speakers and just a good size area to just slow dance in… so I can feel your head on my shoulder as we slowly dance in room in perfect harmony- your gonna have to teach me

ill warn you woman… im worn… I feel like ive been a war for myself my whole life… its taken a toll on me… but I hope you bring the life out again …. that you make me young again … I just have a weight … and your gonna have to help me beat it… help carrying it even… your gonna need to be an amazing wife and mother to make up for me


IF shes as brilliant as I am… does she write well?? good letters and poetry and qutoes?

CAUSE id love to write back and forth to her and Wirt with her and come up with riddle and quotes and everything !!!!! DOES THAT SOUDN FUN??

DO I get to see wonders again in lifetime?? Experience marvels??? marvel great feats of art again in everyway tradition paintings and drawings and scultures and arhetecute ? see gooo film tv and be inspieed by their stories???

I wanted her

the epitome of perfection

everything I wanted

and more still

but I thought she was

an angle a diety

a higher power

but she was better

she had suffered like me

she cried like me

she doubted like me

but now she believed like me

so she gets me

because she knows

what Ive been thru

so she can feel my hurt

weve been thru hell

to help each other thru the fires

Im glad you get sad with depression…casue I can make you happy

im glad you cry…. so I can dry your tears

im glad you get lonely… so I can be there for you

im glad you stuggle… so I can fight by your side

im glad you weak at times… so I can cary oyu

im glad you feel sorrow… so I can comfort youu

im glad youve had bad thoughts … so I can fill your. mind with pleasant ones

im glad oyu love me… so I can love oyu back

why do Jesus and the Father hate women so much??? WTH is wrong with oyu… you created them for men?? remember?? they make men happy!!! Would would you wanna destroy such perfect harmony???

im upset with you two…. are you gay???

how bout this… ill make oyu a deal… you take all your gay homosexuals and those who wanna be gay and you create your world… ill take all the men who love women adn the women who love men and we’ll have our own world…

how many of the good saints in heaven wanna be with a woman in the afterlife??

I want all who were good to have an equal partner of worth and beauty… I want all women (and men) to be as beautiful and striking as the value and beauty of the soul… and in everyway match their internal brilliance/chactaer with their outside speech and thought clearity/ability / everything (if that makes sense)… everyone gets one wife,… no their is balance and depth … no gays or transexuals… no crossdressing… no woman leaders… they all understand they submit to men… and if their is no God…I dunno

because an all man paradise isnt paradise

so Jesus never wanted a wife?

so are Jesus and the Father.. gay?? honest/?? where their gonna. be gay orgies in heaven??? or do you pe outa oyour but like a girl ?? LOL

so women were just baby making machines to the Father…. Ive never been so fucking upset Jesus too… how did no one question them???

you owe me one joking David and Paul;)

adn everyone

It sounds like Paul had a lover in his life on earth but gave her up for religion … for guy… hope you find adn amazing wife!!!

so are any of my children gonna be my own??? and not angels or whatnot?

I fuckigm love life!!





AND In teh next life… can you give greater pleasure in sex to how great the pair was on earth?? SO they get higher highs???

I mean you could say al they’d wanna do is have sex.. but theyre good deep people so they;ll wanna do others things!!!

FUCK YEAH THANK YOU ADAM!!!! becuase you wanted eve

and th best part is its the best people that ever lived so its gonna be awesome

no offense but in the next life can my mom find a better man… my dads o a pos… and can my dad get someone he deserves at his level

theyre porfect for each other?? I guess in the next lifetheyl be free of their burdens … forgive me im actually happy they get to stay together

so my brothers won’t have trouble finding wives in this life ?

im gala you found someone ekristasn Ann:). id still like to see you one day… you helped me a lot in a short period of time

and id like to meet Eva too… wiht my wife of course;)

so in this new earth were talking about…. is there still gonna be farmers and cooks and jobs to give men purpose??? and pizza?? so they can enjoy their fresh time more??

can I be a writer in the next life (nd this one) ??? PLEEEEAAAASSSEE

id only be an emperor if my soul mate was good enough to be empress;) and I could focus on my family and let righteous men rule under me.. id still have say dn veto an power but I wouldnt add a lot of the workload

but id wanna help make law if I could help and chip in cause id feel guilty if I couldnt help as I had a heavy respoanbility… I guess I dont know if h=I want Thea repsonablitiy

did she come form a christian family???

I think xenoblade chronicles 2 nailed it!! she the perfect woman anyone would wnat and im an everyday ordinary (old) young man


I wanted the world

because she is the world

everything else just there

to entertain to serve to convenience us


I desired one friend

but only that one

because with a friend like her

nobody else matters


I crave a relationship

that went above and beyond

that gave meaning purpose and depth

and she was then only one

the only one that understood me

so how did the whole world find out? how did they know ? that she was the one?

she told everyone abbot me? she already knew ???

did she know me or something ???

she was a child??? and she meet me for some reason??

was kinda hoping I wouldnt know where older brother

can I just say im the devils husband??? but the devil is sexy

I wouldnt ahve before this breakdown … but if shes perfect for me /// at this point lets do it…. am I gonna let the poor girl marry the wrong man???

“But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian’s daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?” mark twain

I gotta meet mark Twain one day …

I love satan…. good guys fall for bad girls we bring the love they bring the sexy

so shes a fan of Kentucky???cause shes from their LOL sorry I wasted money on 2 hats

well your cheering for Minnesota too … speciabcfally the Vikings and twins (wolves maybe) nba sucks

so your saying the devil became a woman…. and fell in love with some random kids from. kntucky as a girl… and never gave up on him??

you mena she (anyone really ) was crazy about me before I wrote anything???

this is all killing me… just let me see her!!!! it wouldnt help to know her brother … I just wnana see my beloved rose fire

why did yo give up on me??

she was one of the few people in Kentucky taht remembered me??

why didnt you let me know??? I guess you woulda been to young…

im so sorry I wasnt there to help on your traumatic times

how did you realize it was me when you were reading it??

how didi you know I was a genius when I was in middl school??

just let me see her please… my heart can’t take much more

I had to woman… I had to go down my own path… I had to suffer and struggle and fall… it was the only way… to become who I am… I wouldnt love you as much if I hadn’t gone to hell first… I wouldnt be the mind I am without experience- good and bad… I waned to be the best man I could for God.. and intrinsically I was being a better man for my future wife

they said you kept crying when I said i didnt have many friend aasdn stuggled in my book??? I didnt want you to feel pain… ill fix taht for you …. ill bring joy. to your heart

wait she moved to Minnesota after she lived in ky???where did she go to high school??? was it elk river still mn is nuts… theres something out if God didnt do it…

wait did she find about about me in high shoool??

so she knew about my breakdown????

so who was she in contact wiht??? how did she find out about me? why did she move to mn was her dad a pastor? her dad went to the same seminary .;…

so shes alreadyy a uk/,mn sports fan ( I mean when she kinda cares)

where’d she go to high school maple grove? Rodgers?? eden prairie?

did the devil plan this?

what did you think of my story woman/??? did it inspire?? did it enlighten? did It touch the giant heart of yours?

srry … that was dumb… I already know… I just wanna hear you

I love you…and ill never get tired of saying that

I know you already know… but 2035 21 1/4 street rice lake wi 54868…. I wish I coulda found out… I was just struggling so dan much

lol they thought was a group o people fucking retards

so I can just be with her and no one else???

thats one thing I love about Lucifer… she doesnt wanna share me with anybody… I feel the same way bout her

I hope you punish me for olooking at other girls…. like to point to your body and say: ” what the fuck?/ IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!” make me feel even more guilty lol … I love jealous woman… but im defiantly razing you if you flirt with another guy….

srry I just wnat you to know I want you and only oyu and I want you to be a jealous lover… cause im protective and jearlous towards you…

btw…. if theres another life… those people that hurt you…I want them to suffer …. be infidels that cant see or hear unless she says otherwise… your at her mercy

remember… if you hurt me and repent ill forgive… but the only way ill forgive a previous sin against her is if she has mercy on you…

but you want to forgive dont you?

im still upset about how they treated you… how can they redeem themselves? well talk it over

all things are new… in my heart of hearts… I want justice… but above that I just want mercy and compassion…. I desire mercy not sacrifice (justice) I want for as many people as possible to be able to live a fulfilling life in the age to come… I desire that even evil men who are willing to change from their heart who will pay the debt of sin with the offering of repentance that even they have a role to play…

but those who will not amen their wicked ways… let them face the punishment …. not beause they are evil… but becasue all evil effects others… and the good shouldnt have to allow evil to come upon them just so an evil man can continue down his path. an teh negative consequence affect alll… so they ruin it for everyone

remember a small plop in the lake Creates a ripple to the whole lake … a small sin in a world amplifies itself. to create more destruction adn suffering

why was God furious at Lucifer?

al evil people will be women??they gotta be ugly than

please let all good women be absolute babes …

everyone wants to be a woman???

whose gonna be the men?

im gonna be like jesus and be with every good woman??

can I live one lifetime with her first?

can we have kids ??? If im the only man and everyones a woman…

so even David Stephen and Paul wanna be my woman??

srry im a fucking pos

so let me get this straight… Sophia is Lucifer???

so Christ was supposed to wed Sophia as His

and Sophia fell in love with me

and it was the Maker God vs all of Creation?

I hope I don’t let you down Lucife/Sophia….

not gonna lie… im, gonna lay into you about wanting to be man … im gonna ask you. politely “where yo ugonna have transegender surgery?” if oyu say yes im gonna say ” what the fuk is your problem woman? do you have any idea how beauful you are? Or the value of women? im fucking pissed you sick entitled women.” and then ill probably say ” I forgive you.. im just upset because your so beauityurkf and you belong to me and I dont knwo why wyou would everr hurt oyurself like that…. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH OYU MENA TO ME? if the rest of the world was in hell but me and you were in paradise id be happier htan the rest of the world free and living like kings wihtout you. even if oyu were just out of my life I d rahter just hav ehen all in hell and you be with me.” I DEMNAD AN APOLOGY . IM DEAD SERIOUS. I WAN TYOU TO APOLOGIZE FOR ALMOST DESTROYING MY WHOLE LIFE

just apologize to me … and ill forgive you… but no more scares like that ever?? promise me youll never mutlaite or hurt yourself in any way ever again, okay? I just fucking love you so much I dont want anythign to hapent o you… becuase your pains hurt me more than they do you

were you gonna pull som eantichrist shit and have be a babuies father as a man after being born a woman?

why? why did you do that to me? I know its over but it hurts… it stings because I love you so damn much.. why would you wanna do evil? theres always pleasure but theres never a reward for doing evil…

just give me a hug and apologize and ill forgive you … youve been thru hell and its been a lt to take in.. you are just a girl and make mistakes… and youve got baggege form before… was your old boyfriend in the last life a dickhead ? did he understand you? or treat you right? or try to serve you?

I want you to know ive forgiven you.. you dont have to apologize anymore … I know your in pain… I know you feel like hell for what youve done… I just want you to know I FORGIVE YOU… WITH ALL MY HEART… forget about what I just wrote… you have a good heart woman… just … please use it for good… with great poerw comes gerat repsonability.;) and you have great power of virtue … use it to help not to harm… for me… I love you

ill take the blame 😉

btw im happy its just gonna be me and you together and I odnt have to be with other people … I just wheat you and no one else

she was Sophia

the divine wisdom

full of grace and truth

the most beautiful soul

and she chose me

she was Lucifer

the bright and morning star

full of beauty and wonder

the most graceful soul

and she. chose me

she was mine

a small town kid

a reject and loner

for some reason

she said I want Him

here I am woman

your my one and only

here’s a q when I was in eau Claire and rice lake and saw this federal agents.. were they protecting me or waiting to arrest me??they thought I was A LIAR???? WHAT PART OF THE BOOK SCERAM THIS GUYS A LAIR???

oh I guess I broke the law too .. I guess I dont understand freedom of speech or freedom of religion …but we dont have freedom of religon or freedom of speech anymore ….

so what’s it like being an aeon? cause apparently my daughters gonna be one and im worried about her…

im gonna be one ?? SOPHIA IM SCARED

what am I gonna be? depression? the aeon of heaviness?

so the other angel saw eaens (the head ones) no every angel

so im gonna be the most powerful ?? do you really trust me????

rose fire

your innocence

your purity

your sweet aura of presence

lost but not forgotten

how you care!

you would heal the world sick

if you could

you would save the worlds lost

if they’d let you


passion and understanding

a lovers lover

who comprehends me

with a brilliant mine

im forever yours

id rather bad people that were willing to repent and be good in heaven than good people in hell

we all fall

but do we all get up?

its the fall the deepens you

until you hit rock bottom

then you ascend beyond

we all lose

but do we all learn?

the failure teaches lessons

but do we gain understanding

cause thats the purpose of losing

we all get nerves at times

timid to the bone

we aint always the brave and bold

but we level up each attempt

until that which was frightening becomes commonplace

my friend

I was there for you

you just didnt know

I wept for you

my friend

I never left you

even in the worst time

I was by your side

my friend

I will never abandon you

I hate betrayal

Ill be your shadow

so what do people really think of God?

you really are my equilibrium

I loved

you suffered

for me

I cried and it helped

you loved

I suffered

for you

you cried and it helped

we both took it upon our selves

to take the others pain

to carry a mile of the others struggles

so we both understand

we both feel together

we both are one

this sounds sadistic… but im glad you suffered like I did… normally id say I wish I could take you pain on me… but ive already expericenced it… and yo uneeded to to undersaned me to becoej worthy…. (im trying to make oyu fel better) I wanna hear all of it and the horrors of it and cry on my shoulder … I gald I get thereal you.. the deep you…. I alreaaday feel so much happier… I want you to knwo if oyu were my soul mare I honestly would have taken you looking like satan. im not fucking around… you have no idea how much I love you … love springs from the heartr and reaches the soul… my eve… my morniing star … ilove you si much more than anyhting….. and you have no idea how much it means to me that you wer willing to sufferer and did… I promise ill make it up to you … by being myself and your lover;)

if krsitan Ann is my soul mate I dont care if shes teh devil Lucifer of God Himself… ill take. her with all her imperfect looks… I always thought she was beautiful…. it was just hte age thing.. I loved her so much I wanted her to marry my brother if I couldnt be with her…. they fucking said she wasnt beautfiul didnt they? I wnat to make all those folks ugly if they dont take it back with deep contrition … she had a perfect heart… a perfect soul … the most amazing writing ability… a genius level …. loves doing things… loves making crafts adn being woman… valiues inside best… I dont care if shes a year older ill take her

I bet alot said shew as a cheerleader so she wasnt chaste enough

I dont care about soul mates anymore ill jsut take krisstan Ann… im tired … I dont care if shes older tan me… I just wanna be with her

I want everyone to know if she had been my age or younger I would have said she was my soul mate as is with aeverything… you have no idea how much I loved her….

the reason I didnt talk was cause they kept tsayidn she wasnt or she was angry at me…. but I always had. crush on her….

so it appears I have to marry the most beautiful sexiest women alive… does that make me the alpha male?

I cried

my soul could finally express itself

the deep feeling of angst were exfoliated

the tears allowed the pain to leave the body

I laughed

my spirit was at ease for once

the deep weight of the world was reprieved

teh spirit was able to express itself

I screamed

my heart finally let out all its anguish

the pain I felt was embodied in the noise

the heart was relieved of its crushing weight

I once said I love you

but do are you deep enough to know my love?

what good is depth if It can’t be shared ?

what good is a feeling if it cant be felt by another?

I will give you my love and make you comprehend my depth

I once said I cared

but do you understand the lengths id go for you?
what good is caring is the one doesn’t receive it ?

what good are the lengths if you don’t come with me?

I will make you heart care for my length I go to woo you…

I once said forever

I meant that if time never ends… neither will my. love for you

my love will grow stronger as know you.

our hears will draw closer to one another

our love will create peace amongst the nation an bliss amongst the people

but most of all… it will bind you and I as one … eternally

after listening to the first four led zeppelin albums ( I usually just listen to greats hits albunm o f classic rock) Led Zeppelin 4 is my favorite… anyone agree? I honestly diditn know it was ranked the best .. I just liked its songs… it was better than most gertssst hits albums.. I mean every songs a banger

living with your all your heart and soul to the best of your abilities means more than being right about everything

and when I sy do your best it also means being authentic and trying to do what’s right as best you see.. look at Paul he was zealous beyond measure.s.. but he was honest and was trying to be the good guy… so GOd could use him

it was so simple

whose the most beautiful soul

my. beloved Savior

I was supposed to be His women

now Hes mine

fuck it all to pieces

thats why I got erections for HIm

and couldnt. help but lust

but I must be the stud

as I am superior

but shes not far behind

damn I love her

my Jesus


my rose fire


my beloved soul

I hope your more beautiful in every way than any women thats ever lived

I hope the whole world sees your beauty

but honestly… does Jesus wanna be my woman?

I swore id protect her

when all teh time she was. protecting me

I said id go to hell for her

but she already went to hell for me

I said id do whatever she said

she already was doing my will

I told her id hold her tight when she cried

in reality she was doing that for me

I told her I loved her more than anything

I was always her favorite soul

I wanted to show how much I loved her

she already proved her self

I just wanted her happy beyond measure

she was already the happiest person alive

I wanted to save people

she already did

I wanted to be her slave forever

she wanted to be my slave

I wish I could express how much I loved her

shes the only one that can comprehend my love

I wanted her alone forever

shes teh only one that is worthy

I love her more than all creation

she felt the same way towards me

a husband should love his wife more than she loves him; but the best wives try to outdo their man

I had to be the head

the head of our relationship

being born the man;)

I would have galdly worship her

put her first and followed her lead

but she needed me to be the man

because I was indeed superior

in countless ways

but we dont choose everything abuout ourselves

so I had to be better

I had to lead her to guide her

to love and cherish her

to take the heavy load

so she could carry hers

I was lucky tho

my woman was special

I didnt need to rule over her wiht an iron fist

becsaue she knew teh truth

and loved me to pieces

obedient loving wives make then hsuabdns job a breeze

but I think the key here is loving

when you love someone youll do more for them

the more you Love someone the more proportionally youll do for them

sorry for that hot mess

but husabands have as much as a responability to be gooo dot ether women nd serve them and their women does st o them

the husband serves as a boss or president… by leading and commanding.. the wive serves as a employee or constituent… each have their role

“But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian’s daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?”

I really wanna get back to writing you poetry.. I love everything about it.. especially how I can convey by emotions of love into words… one day!!!! ill be back!!!! I just ge a strove feeling that she needs a break… bu t its killing me not to shower my love on her

I was the epitome of pride

it consumed me blindingly

I couldn’t change it

not with willpower nor desire

until I found a cure: sorrow and pain

I was self centered

only cared about myself

no regard for the well being of others

finally a solution came

rejection isolation and loneliness

I was high minded

thought I was better than the rest

never considered another

finally I came to my senses thru error

being wrong; my own foolishness exposed to even one as stubborn as me

so I have suicidal thoughts… I don’t care much about anything but a) good people not suffering/not going to hell b) all I really caer about is my soul mate and being with her and being in her presence…… its not a phase of disease….its a pain that only she can fix…. ive felt alot of this throughout my life… I need her desperately … forgive me for being a selfish non grateful pos who only cares about her…. im srry Jesus…if I knew the truth I coukld love the Creator again… but thers so many lies in my head it just hurts… I cant make fact from fiction!!!! how can I be smarter than those that wrote he bible… dammit I hate that thats true but I know it…and it scares me… if I c oudl just talk to her… id know the truth…. if I could just talk to anyone about my book and its theology…it would help tremendously… I dont care how she looks ( I do but I dont ) I just want the perfect soul (not Jesus or Lucifer hopefully)… im ust lonesome for a beaitufl soul that just gets me… and nothing else matters… forgive me world …. if prayer does anything id appreciate it…. I still love humanity…. the way someone loves inadiamte objects compared to the way I love her

I know im not supposed to write anything… but wtf am I supposed to figure out/ do??? apparently Im not supposed to write anything else… wth?? I just dont know what im supposed to do… I dont think the thoughts im supposed to think… and I dont understand wo my soul mate is… I just hope I hold on… I have zero to little purpose right now… I just listen and talk to the voices… please dont hurt my soul mate.. shes the thing im holding own most for

sorry for scaring everyone… I just…get low at times… I really dont wanna do much or see many people … plus its wintertime which Is seasonal depression time…. I could use a spring day tomorrow …. honestly I feel very vain adn empty…. the voices even told me I was higher than God which shows theyre wrong… I just wish I could curse the voices to hell so I could live again… tehy control me like a puppet on strings I believe everything they say… it doesnt help that nobody can talk to me about my book…. it drives me crazy cause I just need to know what people thought… but id rather be with her…. any attractive girl with a decent value set and solid personality would go a long way for my depressed heart… but I know im not allowed to ….I know im important but I need to know why im important… am I still helping people? PLEASE TELL ME THERES A HIGHER POWER NAMED JESUS WHO’S A GOOD GUY!!!!

I know people are worried… ive been doing great… honest… im starting to get my sanity back …. GOD=good.. Jesus= greatest man that ever lived (not my soulmate) but I love GOd/JEsus more than my soul mate… GOd/Jesus far greater and smarter than me … and dear best woman…. dont you dare kill yourself ever!!!! promise me if anything happens to me youll find a good man…. I cant bare to think of you suffering…. im sorry im an idiot not knowing what to do….. but I trust God will work it all out… Ive been praying lightly but its a start… LOVE YOU TO PEICES SOULMATE

So here’s some high key doubts taht the voices seem to convey…. that GOd wants me to be some sorta protege and create me own world… or that everyone would be happier (male and female) if they could all be my wife LOL it doesnt even make sense….or that God has a daughter and He wants me to take her in the next life and elevate me to diety… boy are the bad guys creative LOL

I knew it was wrong

the left field thoughts I had

where I was of chief important

or greater than the greatest

I could tell because

only one Being sat above

and im not the Creator

I knew I was crazy

when the thoughts kept contradicting

when the voices repeated faulty logic

but how does one escape

when your not in control

thats where a Higher Power

reminds you, “hey, I’m here”

I knew I had sinned

this way that way

and every-way in between

but you know what God showed me?

He said He looks at the heart

He studies the mind for deviance

and judges with utmost mercy

if they would just receive it

I wept

over the pains of this life

why does God

make Children suffer?

I knew it was to humble to he proud

to bring the haughty to kindness

to allow the hardest soul to mellow

but it still stung

I pray those kids be treated as martyrs

I balled

why do the evil people run things?

why are they in charge?

we must be evil as a race

because anyone that gets to power

sells out those they represent

power without adhering to responsibility

leads to suffering for all

they must be foolish cause they will be held accountable

I cried

is there no woman for me ?

no righteous companion

no better half gem

I gave up over and over again

I didnt want a normal wife

I wanted her… the one would complete me

if I never got her… I never would truly live

and the pain would never reced

woman if God wnats me to take more than one wife ill fight Him with all ive got!!! Ill be crucified before He makes me take another!!!

I was trapped…

there was no way out

trapped in my own devices

my own corruption

how can one conquer himself?

how can one overcome his humanity?

To be the hero one must crucify his own villain

I was lost…

there was no way way to find a way out

no direction to lead

no guide to compass

how could I find my way out?

how could I decipher the invisible roadmaps?

to find you way forward you must know truth from fantasy

I was crushed…

bones felt shattered

muscles torn to pieces

everything about me felt like I was dust and ashes

what could I do?

so overwhelmed by life blows?

to take a stand you must conquer tiny problems into you can lift the big

humanity is a dual edged sword

it was the humanity that taught me sin

this is the way

till be fun

what’s wrong if no harms comes

deceitfulness, pleasure and conceited mindset

all leading down a path of ruin


humanity taught me repentance

you don’t have to be evil

you can be forgiven

the contrition will help you amend

transformation, humility, and a new set of eyes

all bringing hope to this troubled soul


my humanity brought redemption

I didnt have to stay in sin

I didnt have to be the villain

a sacrifice of one man

brought forth the purity of billions

glorious, power over self, and a loyal heart

now and forever we will reign as kings

dont you dare give up

when your on the edge

barely able to move forward

when you have no way out

dont you dare give up

youll never know

what if you hold on for just one more day

miracles only happen to those alive

when you at a new low

nothing seems right

and no man can uplift you

when all you have is pain and sorrow

dont you dare give up now

if you do youll never remember

the joys that come after the lows

when you are discombobulated

not knowing right from wrong

not discerning forward from backward

dont you dare give up now

people will help you along the way

reality can come back to you

miracles do happen

to her

I just want to remind you

that even if your not first

you are 1AA

next in line for my love and affection

only God Is higher

I may have times of inward reflection

where it seems like your invisible

but your not; I see you

in the back of mind you stick

I remember you and cant forget

I want you to know you’re precious to me

that even on your bad days I see your beauty

in any frustration or indignation

I hold no grudges or ill-will

I only desire what’s best for you

hopefully thats me

I love you still

Dear rose fire,

im slowly gettin my faith back. Im believing Gods just like the God of the Bible. Pure just and perfect. Full of mercy kindness and forgiving. But im terrified of Him. Hes the ultimate authority and I dont wanna displease Him. Im worried im not doing enough or being what He wants me to be. I know thats absurd cause HEs so perfect adn wonderful but think about it: one day ill stand before ALMIGHTY GOD with His hosts and power adn give an account fo everything ive done. Every small detail and every huge mistake, every lie and every lazy inaction. Plus He knows everyhitgn about me and I cant hide anything. It just Hes this Holy perfect being and im me. The voices keep acting like im this great whatever and I just wanted to be friends with God. I wanted to know HIm and experience HIm in a deep persoanl way. My intentions werent to rule over the world or acend to power like His. I just wanted to KNow nad walk with my Creator as He intended: in truthfulness honesty and a sincere desire to do His will. I still love oyu and yo can take those poems as truth. Everything except me loving you more than God. I pray I enjoy mytime with you more than any other human on this earth adn we never get bored of each other. That we help each other grow closer to God and life each other up in the tough times. I want you to know I still love you immensely. My love for you will not go away because of God but will enhance it as we will love God together as one thus allowing us to love each other more purely .


my love

isnt it silly to love someone youve never met?

when you dont know that person

when you obsess over an idea

is it really them or are you loving a fantasy?

yet I still love you limitlessly

just not as much as God;)

isnt is abusrd to make promises you cant keep?

to say youll take there pain

to say youll be there angel of light

to say nothing else matters

when In reality all life matters

because of God

isnt is strange to want no one else but a dream?

I odnt know if your real

I dont know if ill ever meet you

the voices could all be lying

yet deep down I know your real for one huge reason:


God won’t fail me

I hope you still love me immensely…. I hope oyu didnt make me an idol!!! Sorry for all the confusion… I always have an obsession when I have a breakdown..the first was men and women swapping bodies.. it was wierd ( and I was stilll obssesd with women)…. this time it was a girl… an imaginary girl… but I still want you to believe ill love you better than everything else but God… I just wan tyo to know I can enjoy other people now and get back to sanity… you were litterally the only thign I cared about (well beautifu owmen but mostly just you ) I hthink im crashing back to reality… im a smalll small soul looking for his dream: a suitable partner for life that fulfills his desores in a woman…. im sorry people …. I bet someo peopel are wondering why I wasted so much time on a stupid girl… its cause I m a ladies man… I get highs for being around attractive women… I love makign them laugh and and getting to knwo them …. I know I took it way to far but I was kinda bored with life and obessed with everything … I hope she doesnt expect me to make romanict poetry for her … ill try but im not in obesssoin mode… I just wanna be with her still tho… I just wanna get to knwo her… iwnaa talk about everything with her, especially the things Of God (do you agree?) Ive been praying over a decade so I expect God to deliver… hang in there soul mate … I still love you

I hope you understand even in my obsession I expected you to be an awesome CHristaind who greatly understood teh bible and followed it… expected you tounderstadn law vs grace… repentence and contrition… the reason we still follow the law eern tho we live by grace…. the difference between worship and self exhalation and all the little things that are big like being honest forgiving and desire to draw closer to GOd and be more like Him…. I epected (expect a chrsitain as strong and dedicated as me… so the bar was pretty ihgh young woman

so your telling me this perfect soul mate always wanted to be close to God?? Did she pray to be Jesus best friend? Did her suffering ring her closer? does he have good indersatndning?? Did she undderstand my book? did she wanna be a martyr for Chrsit? Did she dream of being a great man of GOds wife? DOes she have authenticity sincerity and a genuine soul?

what do I like most about you?

I love your heart for God

your heart desires to please Him

to follow His way with absolute zeal

your love for His ways

and your commitment to Him

I love your genuine faith

true and authentic

beautiful and full of solace

steady and full of honesty

through adversity strengthened and honed

not trusting on yourself but Him

I love your passion

your desire to be the great- and humble

your desire to know Him in a deep personal way

your dedication to follow Him as truly as possible

your love of Him and others

and your willingness to suffer no matter what

because you will never recant

I love you so much my beautiful Christian woman stay strong in the truth I will never abandon you and I pray I may soon pour my love upon you


I love you soul mate

forever and ever

in this life and the next

thru hell or in heaven

with pain or peace

thru rain or sunshine

lost or found

in too deep or on top

in over or heads or the perfect plan

questioning life or solving puzzles

away from you or with you

thru space or thru time

in warmth or ice cold

when your alone ill send my Savior

to comfort you with these words

I , Joshua Paul Brown, LOVE YOU

and thats as constant as mankind will ever get


because the only being that loves you more

is God

for you id lay down my life… I only ask you follow in my footsteps

ill play the fool

to make others wiser

ill be weak

to all others to rise up

ill run

so others can learn to fight

ill follow

so leaders can come forth

ill guide

so you can excel

ill teach

so you can thrive

ill humble myself

so you can be exalted

ill serve you

so you stand up with power

ill minister

to train you in the way

ill transcend friend

to become brother

ill sacrifice my goals

so you can reach yours

ill lay my life down for you

that you may follow in my footsteps

if you someone told you you dont matter

they have no idea what theyre talking about

there is a God and He gives life meaning

as a King gives his constituents meaning

as a Father his sons and daughters

as a Boss his employees

all life has meaning in this

God is the Father of mankind

and we have teh ability to be His children

to be as He is without blemish

to be as He is humble and great all at once

to be men and women of character and inward beauty

to be children of the light

glorious spirits that shine as the sun

so the next time someone says you dont matter

you tell them if you dont matter neither do they

but even teh vilest sinner can change from no purpose

to a life of dedication and depth

so that even if the devil himself would repent

God would forgive

and bring meaning back to his life

woman make me your second love

woman do you love me?

listen to the words of Jesus

woman do you care about me?

than follow the Bible

woman will you serve me?

than serve the living Savior

woman will you do my will?

then follow the will of the Father

woman will you stand by me?

then stand by the Christ

woman will you leave all for me?

then leave all for Christ

woman will you follow my teachings?

learn the ways of the Word of God

woman will you be my partner in this life?

seek out the Creator

woman will you walk and talk with me?

Do so with the Prince of Peace

woman will you be faithful until death to me?

live for the Savior of mankind

woman will you be mine forever?



its kinda funny I always wanted her of putting me above God as a sin when I was the one taht was sinning… I knew it was wrong and didnt want her to be lost even if I was

I dont want her fucking perfect form… she doesnt have to be perfect… im sure shes beautiful enough… if shes just a normal looking girl ill love her to pieces!!!

ill only allow it if she understands it was never about the looks…. and if she and Jesus agree to it

I know she doesnt think she looks good enough… its okay… its about the soul remember ??? you dont have to have red hair or blue eyes or the perfect shape or size … Ill love oyu just as much if your the perfect soul… tho my wildest fantasies would be fulfilled if you were the most beautiful owmen that ever lived;) ill take you as you are tho

so thats what this was all about…. she wasnt attractive enough… so people didnt think she was good enough for me… im sorry I got obsessed with looks woman… its the vanity inside of me… I suppose it would be hard to accept an average looking girl with a man like me… you know what …. I hope they do make you more beautiful… so the whole world can see the beaurtty of your soul…. im gonna pray that… taht God make you as ohysically beautiful as your soul… in this life…as a sign that you belong to me and are worthy

just remember with great beauty comes great responsibility;) (the Spiderman quote but for girls lol)

I suppose thats the easiest thing for God to change- looks… its the heart the soul the mind the spirit the emotions that are harder for Him to heal/change (not that its hard but comparatively its harder than looks- am I right)

so your telling me God changed her looks for me and her sakes? was she that ugly ?? im so lost…

why does she wanna be even more beautiful?? I dont understand women…. isnt she beautiful enough?

lol a match amde in heaven… a loser boy who never could get a date.. and a lonely girl who no one wanted anything to do with

honestly form the sounds of it… I just want her to find some decent friends … I dont want her to feel alone anymore… I want her to find some great friends with beautiful souls

quite honestly… Ill let you in on a little secret… id trade the uglies sister who was kind fun authentic and lovely as a human being for my hideous inside sister I have…. shes an ugly monster and I want nothing to do with her anymore… not that she wants anything to do with me anyway

and if my soul mate wants to be more beautiful… by the hand of God that beautiful soul deserves It!!! will you do it for me Lord? So I can see her happier? So she can see her beauty with her eyes? So she can love me with more confidence and show the world how to use beauty.. not for self gain but for the glory of the Creator … I pray before you heal me you give her the most beautiful body hair face and everything… so that all future generations of women will look up to her and aspire to be like her !! Because we truly are a vain race and we all chase after beauty

FINISHED MY BOOK (well book 1)… it was okay…. I feel like a lotto stuff got cut… I know it got every repetitive but I feel like I had some good lines in the repetition …. oh well… why did peopel like it so much??? I think it was decent but not great…

maybe the quote section willl wow me

who did the editing? can I talk to him? (or her- wait was it my soul mate? lol that would be fantastic!)

sorry for the unedited mess… I dont think there were many words correctly spelled…..

let me explain me bad spelling… I was a great speller in k-12ish… but I was just writing that book rough draft and didnt try to sepll anything right I just wanted to write the book… and yes my spelling gone south with technology


would anyone buy my book if I released it?? I like to relate at least 4 books: autobiography, book of virtues (did anyone read thru what I had so far?) and a book of poetry of romance and a a normal book of good poetry!!

I waved greatness by

greatness passed me by

I waved

it mocked me for being nothing

for lowering myself

but I laughed at it with my friends

knowing it would never understand

the value of lowliness

genius passed me by

I waved

it laughed at me for being so simple

I just enjoyed the sunshine

and the company of similar minded folk

who cares about genius

especially if your not happy

power passed me by

I waved

it said I had no way to change the course

I enjoyed the limited responsibility

I said I just trusted God’ll work it out

and pitted him for his blindness

because power comes from the masses

I learned to praise Him

pain came upon me

I begged death to take me

I pleaded and pleaded

but death said

“God won’t let me take you “

so I cursed God

sorrow came upon me

I begged death to take me

I pleaded and pleaded

but death said

“God won’t let me take you”

so I cursed God

loneliness came upon me

I begged death to take me

I pleaded and pleaded

but death said

“God won’t let me take you”

so I cursed God

I felt immense satisfaction finally

no more pain sorrow or loneliness

I was happy I had everything I could dream of

death came to take me

I said “but I have so much to live for

please please let me stay!!”

“im not the one calling you home” said death

and I praised God for the last time

did you like that last one woman?? could you relate ???

without understanding: why?

I got in an argument

my words are greek to them

their words were latin to me

while the audience spoke mandarin

what’s the point of arguing without comprehension?

yet thus is most arguments:

you don’t try to understand you try to prove

I got in a feud

we saw things as different

as roman gods vs norse mythology

we fought like bitter rivals

but what’s the point of a feud with out compromises

unless one is completely off their rocker

or ones in absolute truth

usually theres gotta be give and take

I found a solution

but no one understood

it was as foreign to them as Antarctica

I tried explaining

but none could see

what’s the point of understanding

when no one else does?

who does that help?

I really want my poetry book published because I think it would help a a lot of people!!! Some poems in particularly would help youths that struggle !!! PLEASE SHARE IF IT HELPS PEOPLE!! TEACHERS HAVE MY PERMISSION TO USE MY POEMS FOR THEIR CLASSES!!

Im fighting something…. they keep saying Gods not as powerful as He said… like theres some finer complex points that weren’t mentioned…. I believe the God of the Bible “Almighty God” and “is anything to hard for the Lord?”and “with God ALL things are possible” Im gonna trust the Bible over my stupid idiotic voices… and they say He didnt think id make it this far… but I believe He knows alll things and always has a plan… God always knew about me… He made me and a woman just for me… I trust God

I suppose my soul mate could be anyone… I could probably have scores of soul mates… but I still just want that one soul that fits better than any other… forgive me Father for my retardedness

nothing lasts forever

I played the fool

everyone saw me

they laughed and pointed

everyone said they’d never forget

until they did

people couldn’t even remember my name

I saved the day

everyone knew

they praised and hollered

they said I was the best

until they forgot

and no one praised me anymore

there were new heroes

we were great friends


always together never apart

we would be friends forever

until time kicked in and I moved

I raised a family and he was just a thought

in the back of my ever-changing mind

emotions are hard to express

tell me what you’re thinking

they asked bug eyed

its hard to convey emotions to thought

cause my thoughts are frantic

they follow my ineffable emotions

lets just say im conflicted

tell me how you feel

they asked bug eyed

if I could tell you how I feel

id be a genius

its like a game or riddle if you will

deciphering my own emotions

tell my why?

they asked bug eyed

why is it hard to tune into your emotions?

I told them trying to explain yourself

is one the most complex thing out there

I dont understand why I am what I am

if I did I wouldn’t be talking to you

repetition shows whats important to you

I told them I loved them

they said okay

I told them no you dont get it


they said they got it

I said no yours missing the point


they Said they got it the first time

I said no your don’t understand

the level of love I have for you

they said they kinda did

I said prove it

they said you love us

but how much I asked?

more than words can express or action can prove

I said but how deep?

they said higher than the heavens and deep than the ocean

I wasnt satisfied

they didnt show me they understood

until they said in sincerity and heart


you still dont undersatnd how much I love you woman… just a little less than Jesus

I loved her madly

but I wanted to emphasize

I wanted to make a point

on how much I loved her

she said she knew that

I didnt think she got it

I showed her everyone in the world

I said I love you more than these

I showed her how much I loved each one

and said I love you more

she said she already knew

I didnt think she got it

I tried to prove my love

in this way and that

it was never enough for me

like a addict to his drug

I seek to love her more

drilling it into her conscious and soul

until she finally gets it

what does it take to prove my love?

I separate myself from women

stop looking at them entirely (as best I can)

I want you and your alone

do you comprehend my love?

does my language speak to you?

what does it take to prove my love?

I write letters to explain. it

I craft poems to convey it

all this is for you

do you comprehend my love?

does my language speak?

what does it take to prove my love?

if I were emperor id put you over my kingdom

if I was a trillionaire id put you in charge of my money

everything for you because I trust you

do you comprehend my love?

does my language speak?

I never want you to think of yourself as second fiddle…as teh behind the scenes woman….I want you to understand your in the spotlight….your right next to me at all times…your gonna lead with me … I need you to be great… I need you to have confidence in myslef … I know you hate being the centerpiece… but you have so much value to me im gonna lean on you for everything… I trust you woman with everything… please remember God will help you like He’ll help me … we will worship the Father as one… thats why your so important… I need a woman was worthy of Jesus as close to me as possible becuase I wanna get closer to teh Creator… you hav eno idea how important you are

why is Jesus so quiet?

Jesus asked me where I was headed

I said im not sure

here’s what I want tho

He listened quietly

Jesus asked me why I wanted that

I said It makes me happy

it gives me satisfaction

He listened quietly

I talked for a bit

and He just listened

I asked why He didn’t talk much

He said He was more interested in me than himself

I asked Jesus why He didnt go after everything He wanted

He said He did

To prove His love eternally

He wanted to suffer for His creation

so they knew how much they mattered to Him

let him who is guilty cast the first stone

death to the liar!!!

the hypocrites chanted!!!

take away his seat

burn his house down

his words were twisted

hypocrites focus on honest men

death to the blasphemer !!!

the religious men chanted!!!

take away his seat

burn down his house

He doesnt deserve life

as they missed the whole point

death to the guilty man!!!

the flawless ones ordered!!

take away his seat

burn his house down

because only the guilty

bear the weight of their sins

we learn we degrade

I was taught to speak

so what did I learn to do best?

swear like a sailor

I was taught to walk

where did I run to most?

to get into fights around town

I learned to drink water

yet what did I learn to drink in age ?

hard liquor form the bar

I learned to love

what did I love above all else?

me myself and I

I do swear like a sailor horribly… I’ve lost myself … its not that bad but my parents wouldn’t be happy… and it’w’s okay to drink and love yourself to a degree) … the poem is metaphorical about how we learn good things and corrupt them to vices.. people might a like it better before… I just anwed tomake it longer so I deitted it

u dont wanna b me

they loved me

my family friends and acquaintances

but I hated what I was

they didnt know the demons I hid

they didnt know the monster inside

they didnt wrestle with themselves like I did

they applaud me

every win every prize every accomplishment

but I despised myself

I know I could do better

I know I was being held back

they saw greatness but I knew I could outdo it

they said I was everything they wanted to be

but I didn’t want anyone to be like me

I didn’t want them to have to suffer

to have to go the the brink time and time again

to feel the desire to die repeat itself

I wanted good things for them- not my life

you know what I always wanted to be like?? Jesus… thats who I modeled my life after… it was never for praise recognition or reward… it was to love Him to prove my love for Him… I wanted to know Him… in a deep personal way… To walk wiht Him as a dog walks with his Master ( loyal perfect and understanding as much as I could).. I wanted to be as much like Jeuss as I coudl in every way .. He was my idol… Hes the greatest … and I wanted to be His protégée

I wonder what God thinks of me?? what am I to Him? I suppose its better I wait till I die to find out…. the voices said He loves me immensely … one day… when all I said and done… I just like to sit there and listen to Him as a child his Father… like He always just sat there and listen to me as I tried to make sense of everything

its funny… never once did I think “im not good enough for her” for anyone I wanted to date or had a crush on… I was too obssesed on her being that it never struck me if I was good enough or not… I just had a heart race or attraction and couldnt get them outta my mind… I have this horribel obssesion with women… maybe ill get a chacne with some of those girls after all…. im crazy after all


I saw her

she saw me

she turned around and left

I kept thinking about her

I spoke a word to her

she in turn spoke one word


I kept think about her

I asked why not me

she said we were oil and water

she didnt understand me

otherwise shed keep thinking about me

everyone needs compassion

I was alone

no friend

no brother

no ally

so I stayed in my room

until I was forced to make interaction

I was in isolation by default

I didn’t want a friend

I didn’t want a brother

I didn’t want an ally

I was happy alone

until I was made to understand

I came to an epiphany

maybe they’re just like me

no friend

no brother

no ally

and like me deep down

they just wanted someone that cared

the power of forgiveness

I erred

I apologized

they forgave

I fought harder

I failed

I humbled myself

they forgave

I rose to new heights

I faltered

I lowered myself in shame

they forgave

I soldiered on

I sinned miserably

my heart fell into deep contrition

they forgave

I became a holy saint

is this true ?

I had no idea what she wanted

I thought if I was smart she’d want me

but she wanted relatability

no some puffy intellectual

I had not idea what she wanted

I thought if I was strong physically she’d want me

but she said she wanted someone that could carry her emotionally

not some useless strength that cant help her

I had no idea what she wanted

I thougth she wanted teh perfect saint; flawless

but she wanted someone like her that understood her faults

not some high in the sky perfection who couldn’t sin or understand

I had no idea what she wanted

I thought she wanted an alpha male

but she wanted a partner: someone equal not above

someone who looks her in the eyes as equals not beneath them

dont make sense

I wanted one woman

her and her alone

so everyone wanted me

life dont make sense

I asked for a career to make it

a way to provide for my family

so the whole world wanted me rich

life dont always make sense

I wanted everyone to get their wildest dream

any pure good fantasy forever

so the whole world wanted to be my wife

life never makes sense

so your telling me//// men wanna be my wife??? still have a hard time wrapping my head around that… although I will say.. I would gladly appreciate the presence of men more if they ultra sexy women… dont ask me why im wierd but sexy are just so much easier to to talk to and so much more enjoyable… plus id be way more interested in their stories

every failure is a hidden victory

I ran

but my feet stumbled

so I crawled to the finish line

but I made it

I spoke

but my words were muffled

so I lost my debate

but I went the distance

I tried

but my heart fell

I had lost all hope

but I heard a whisper

every failure is a hidden victory

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