Confessions of a Madman

A Case Study on the Goodness of God Towards Man

Sergio Felix Nicene


INFJ kyouka

My life is proof that there is a kind, merciful God.  

We often ask, how could there be a good God if my kid got aids, if my brother got murdered, or if my sister got raped.  But we are looking at it all wrong.  God didn’t give that kid aids.  God didn’t murder your brohter or rape your sister.  That was man.  Man is evil, and God is good.  God is the one who helps you through those tough times, who conforts you when everything is wrong.  He doesnt desire evil, only good.  God is so good, He can even make good come of evil.  Man may murder, rape, and spread disease.  But God wants to forgive, heal, confort, and even give justice.   How can God be good if He lets evil go unpunished?  How can God be merciful to others if He lets the wicked away scotfree?   How can He be merciful to His children if He lets a murderer or rapist who never turned away from his sin and is still a murderer or rapist into heaven?  He is always trying to get each and everyone of His creation to repent, to turn to Him.  He is so meciful He can look past the vilest of sinners, the most eggregious offenders.  That’s why He doesn’t just kill you when you sin, He hasn’t given up on you.  Even though the punishment for sin is death, He looks past it.  He is just and lets no sin unpunished, so how can he look past it?  Bfecause God Himself took the wrath of all mankind, from the beginning of histroy to the end of the world, and died in our place.  Thats the kind of God He is.  That’s the love He has for those who hate Him, who disregard His laws.  The sad fact is most people, even after a lifetime, reject God’s mercy, forgivness, and friendship.  

Ive noticed people’s wrath is far less, spmetims gme wjem you expkain and show you erred in honesty and were genuinely trying your best.  So it is with god  (make into paragraph).  With sincere and hojnest sorrow, contrituion and borken heart, it is almost impossibel to be mad, even at the most eggreagious sin. 

God does not play favorites of give special treatment to any man.  Even His own people will face His wrath if they stray far enough.  He chastisteh those He loves.  And even God the Father did not show favoritism to His Son.  He tested in tried Him harder than any other man, in acuallity.  He was despised, mocked, and rejected (and murdered) by His own people.  Not to mention, He was tempted multiple times by the Satan, at least once after not eating anything for 40 days and nights.   And He could not sin in any way despite being tempted in everyway as we are.  Your telling me God the Father was playing favorites there?  Rather, Christ had  a bigger trial and call in life because the Father expected more from Him.  Yet because Christ was the essense and image of God and thus sinnless, He was able  keeping all the ways of God perfect to the most minute detail and therefore God the Father was well pleased with Him.  He had more love for His Son becaseu Christ was blameless before Him and perfectly obedient, even unto death.   God is perfectly just, and must repay all wrong with justice.  Otherwise, how is He a good God?  Is allowing sin to go unpunished good?  Thus, the perfect offering, a sinnless man, was neccesary for God to overlook our sins.  Therefore, Christ deserves all adoration, praise, and exaltation by all men, angles, and all creation.  Christ deserves His position on the throne of God and His title of the Savior of Mankind.   Although He is High and Lofty, He lowered Himself to take the wrath of all in His love for His Creation.  Truly, He is God.   Who else would care so much for such a pitiful race? Who else could endure such torment for those who hate Him?   And who else would keep His word with the knowledge God the Father would pour all His wrath, malice, and judgement for every man that every lived upon Him?  

Yet why, then do we still suffer, if Christ took the wrath of all our sins?  To mold us, deepen us, give us character, and teach us obidience.  If all goes right, we have no reason to change from our selfish, egotistical ways.  We never reach the heights we are capable of if we never fall.  The challenges you face today lead to the skills, traits, and knowledge you obtain tommorow.  Im sure youve seen a kid that has never had anything wrong go his way, or hasn’t been taught discipline.  Nobody wants to be around that kid, and he makes everyones life miserable.  Its the people who have experienced hardships who can help others.  I dont know if it is possible to have compassion wihtout suffering in your own life.   Why should we care about others if we dont understand pain? And I think He who has suffered more than any other man, wants nothing more than to make His creation whole, aid them in doing right for our benefit, and walk with them in agreement.  And what turns us to that God that is already reaching out to us?  The worst hardship and disaster forces us to turn to God when no one else can help.  And the more we suffer, the more we can love God.  God allows suffering to turn us to Christ and continue forward in our path toward eternanity.  Why would we turn to Him if nothing went wrong?  Christ didn;t just come to be a propitiation for our sins, He came to be our steadfast friend.  

 If you obey half the truth are oyu obeying the spirit of the commandment?  Make this paragrapah.  Ridding yourself of all earhtly poseesions for piety misses the point entirely.  GOd desires commitemnt of the heart and treasuring Him above all else.  You can still treasure praise, fame, power, youself,, even wihtout possessions.  

Im not neccesarily overly idealistic, I just believe in the goodness of Almighty God.  (paragraph? Maybe not…)

luke g

 Three keys to weight control : self control, moderation, and most importantly, conqering your demons.  Most people that gain weight dont have that weight becaue they wanna be fat or love eating food.  And if they do love eating food to the extreme, its because of an underlyign problem: depression, low self esteem, anxiety, tough times, or abuse as a child that they never really got over (and of course the medicince that is supposed to help with these often leads to extra weight). 

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10 

Quidquid latine dictum, altum videtur.

  • Translation: “Whatever is said in Latin seems profound.”

Misera fortuna, qui caret inimico.

  • English equivalent: If you have no enemies it is a sign that fortune has forgotten you; People throw stones only at trees with fruit on them.

Aegrescit medendo.

  • English equivalent: The remedy is often worse than the disease; Burn not your house to rid it of the mouse.


“seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand. 

Matthew 13;13

condemnant quod non intelligent

they condemn what they do not understand

Dynamic. Heavy (onerus?).  Pilgrim

I do wonder how many people honestly want me dead after reading everyhting.  Im expecting about half the country, and a large majoity of the world.   Ill galdly take that if they’re my true enemies.  After all, only cowards dont have enemies.   And nobody likes a coward.  At the very least, I will be hated.  Can I get the title, “the most dangerous man in the world” as my moniker.   Id take that.  Id finally get respect.  And If you dont think im dangrous, you dont understand the quote, “the pen is mightier than the sword.”  Id even take “the most hated man in the world,” because it shows I stand for something.   

“The three characteristics I deisre most for myslelf are lowliness, holiness, and righteousness.  I guess it’ll be determined when I’m dead if I achieved these.  God knows all things.  I put all things into His hands.” – The Madman

pray that I be lowly and humble no matter what God does in my life

I Have Decided to Follow Jesus


I have decided to follow Jesus

I have decided to follow Jesus

I have decided to follow Jesus

no turning back no turning back

Thou none go with me, still I will follow

Thou none go with me, still I will follow

Thou none go with me, still I will follow

no turning back no turning back

The world behind me, the cross before me

The world behind me, the cross before me

The world behind me, the cross before me

no turning back no turning back

Will you decide now, to follow Jesus

Will you decide now, to follow Jesus

Will you decide now, to follow Jesus

no turning back no turning back


vitam impendere vero 

dedicate your life to truth

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you”   Jeremiah 1:5

Why was man created?  What is my purpose?  Do my mundane, miniscule, day to day actions have lasting consequences?  Or even matter, ultimatly?  Why should I move forward, if life is so difficult?  Why am I not happy, and how do I become happy? I’ve constantly asked myself these questions.  I’ve spent my time looking for more: a higher purpose in life; a higher reason to go on.  I’ve lost my sanity, despised my actions,  and loathed my very being.  But deep down, I kept hope.  Hope that there was some kind of higher power, something more out there.  Hope that my actions would not be in vain.  Hope that things could get better.   I think it takes pain, hardship, and time to answer the difficult questions in life.  They don’t come naturally.  But I think the reward: the lessons, skills, and relationships gained along the way, is worth the difficulty.  Everyone is searching for something.  This may be acceptance, friendship, understanding, purpose, love, satisfaction, or something else entireley.   We are deeper creatures than our eyes percieve.  Whether we choose to believe it or not, we are created in the image of God.   And deep down, we are searching for Him through these desires.   He created us not just flawed, but broken for the purpose that He might make us whole.   

It’s never easy to be honest and face your demons head on.  Who wants to deal with their problems that they can’t even change?  No matter how hard you try to fix youself, you will find it impossible.  You can cover your weaknesses, but they will always be there, buried.  You can replace your strugge with another struggle, but nothing really gets resolved.  You can distract yourself from your pain, but you’ll never truly find that inner peace we are all looking for.  We are all born imperfect, but we all have the potential to be made whole.  The deeper struggles in life take a longer, more difficult path to resolve.  But when the struggle is over, the peace that you receive is pure bliss.  The first steps of any healing starts with being honest.  It takes courage to admit your faults, strength to face them headon, and wisdom to forgive yourself.  But who in their own might can do this?   How does one change his inner being?  By that I mean, how does one change his feelings, desires, urges, attractions, and wants?  Maybe you can bury them, but can you truly alter them at their core or control them to act a certain way?  You can change your actions or words easier, but what about the insides?  How do we control what make us tick?   And what if the inside of us is horrible?  What can we do to overcome problematic internal issues?   Yet that is what I set out to do.  I believe the words of Christ “With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”   Man needed help, and God delivered in spades.  Chrsit Jesus came not just to save us from our sins, but to help us in everyway we struggle.

I pray that this story give people hope who share my struggles, point people to the Almighy Creator, and elevate  the Christ who alone deserves all glory, adoration, and praise.   I hope people see me as I am: a flawed individual with immense struggles.  Not a great, infallible saint, but a redeemed sinner.  And if God does lift me up, I want people to know that God made me what I am.   He deserves to be elevated, not me.  Christ did more behind the scenes than anyone can fathom.   Chrsit is the one that created, saved, healed, protected, sustained, and molded me into what I am.  What I did was fall into a deep pit of sin and pain, cry out in depseration, and fight God while I slowy learned to yeild to Him.   There were many times I didn’t think I would make it and many times didn’t want to go on.  Yet God was faithful and, for some reason, God kept me.   May He keep me forever.  Here is my story.  

Joyfyl, Joyful, We Adore You 

Henry Van Dyke

1 Joyful, joyful, we adore You,
God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flow’rs before You,
Op’ning to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness;
Drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness,
Fill us with the light of day!

2 All Your works with joy surround You,
Earth and heav’n reflect Your rays,
Stars and angels sing around You,
Center of unbroken praise;
Field and forest, vale and mountain,
Flow’ry meadow, flashing sea,
Chanting bird and flowing fountain
Praising You eternally!

3 Always giving and forgiving,
Ever blessing, ever blest,
Well-spring of the joy of living,
Ocean-depth of happy rest!
Loving Father, Christ our Brother,
Let Your light upon us shine;
Teach us how to love each other,
Lift us to the joy divine.

4 Mortals, join the mighty chorus,
Which the morning stars began;
God’s own love is reigning o’er us,
Joining people hand in hand.
Ever singing, march we onward,
Victors in the midst of strife;
Joyful music leads us sunward
In the triumph song of life.

Chapter I

non nobus solum nati sumus

we are not born for oursleves alone

“My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother”  Proverbs 1:8 NKJ

Where do I begin?  I suppose it starts with my parents.  For a quick summary (they can tell you their story),  they are strong Christains who have been praying for revival in America since their youth.  They have dedicated their lives to serving God and have been across many states on their journey.   They have trained their children (including me) the ways of truth and life through Christ.  This is the core of our family and what binds us together (one specific example is when we got in fights my mom would make us read first john about loving your brother).  Both my parents have suffered immensly for the sake of Christ.  My fahter is a pastor and carpenter while my mom was a Godly women who sacrificed for her family and worked when she had to.  Moslty, though, she was a stay at home mom, which I am very grateful for.  I would not have made it far without her.  And I am glad she rejected the world’s way for women who only care about themselves and their career and who neglect their family.   I am the fifth child outta seven.  All boys and one little baby sister at the end.  Now I was born with blue blood in the land of Lexington, Kentucky, making me a huge fan of the University of Kentucky.  Most of my brothers were also born here (all but 2), as this is where my father went to seminary.   We were never the richest monetarily, but I never really thought or cared about that.  I was just happy.  Happy to have a mom and dad that loved me.  Happy to have great brothers (and deep down I was even happy to have a little sister).   And we always had clothes and enough to eat, so how could I complain about my situation?   I do not remember much about my days before I started school.  I’ve seen pictures of me giving my little brother or sister  a push outside in a children push car (even though I was mean to them most of the time).   But my mind was blank for most of my youth.  Not retarded, just empty.  It was ready to be filled with eperiences and informtaion, because little was there.   And I didnt really think much, or say much.  I just was.  But I remember having such peace.  This deep peace that no one could take away.  I didn’t think about my problems or my paretns problems.  Maybe I was too young to have any, but that peace was so strong.  I would even say I had bliss because of the peace.   And my family loved me.  This I knew.   I had all I could ask for.

One of the earliest memories I can recall is the first day of school for me.  I was riding the bus and I was so excited.  There is a picture of me waiting for the school bus and I remember that event so well.   It was kindergarden, and I was ready.  There was an excitment within me about my first day and the days ahead.  I rememeber I thouroughly enjoyed learning the basics like the alphabet and numbers.  It was a pleasure for me.  I dont remenber alot from this year, mostly just small stuff like single file lines and walking around the school.  Other things that are in my memories are learning to be disciplined by being quite and listening to our teacher and so forth.  One specific memory is vomiting in the linbrary and going home early one day.   All in all, kindergarden was the beginning of a long, worthwhile journey.  

But next thing I knew, we were moving to Pennsylvania that summer, as my dad got a preaching job there and I was not too be left behind.  We lived in a parsonage .  This is where I learned to ride a no-trainign-wheels bike.  It was my second oldest brother who worked with me as I figured it out.   But I  remember, as young as I was, their were a lot of redneck and outdoorsman type people in pennsylvania.  It kinda reminded me of the south in a lot of ways.  Once again, school started for me.  Luckily for me, I had a great teacher.  He was cool and everyone thought he was the best.  Because I was from outside the area, I had to be in a special reading class for those that struggled.  However,  I picked up pretty fast and quickly went with the normal class for reading.  In this class, we had a reading time where the teacher would read us books and we would sit on the carpet and listen.  There was a banana chair there that everyone wanted to sit in.  I believe this is were my love of reading started, even reading many the type of books I was read to during this time.  They were easy chapter books that could be read in 15 minutes, but they captivated me.  I did a lot of reading when I was young.  And I read a lot of weird, non popular series that I doubt people have heard of.   I honestly do not remember the titles of most of these.  But I do remember reading and enjoying them.   

One class day, we were supposed to write a paragraph story we made up.  I couldn;t think of anything, so I cried.  Eventually, the assistant helped me.  I cried a lot when I was a young kid.  I do not know why.   I couldn;t control myself.  And I hated this.  I prayed hard that God would help me quit crying.  Eventually I got better, but man, I was a crybaby.  This lasted sporatically through my middle school years.  AT times I would cry because I was crying.   Again, I just hated this part of me.  I thought I was a weak sissy.  I was just too emotional in my eyes.

One thing to note is that(I foundout about this later via my mom)  my first grade teacher said he had never seen a kid so strict as far following the rules.  I guess I got really angry (too angry) because a classmate didn;t follow the rules.  I do rememebr during this time someone taking to long to at the water fointain, so I clocked him good.  They said this was wrong so I cried and apologized.  I did sincerley feel really bad, so I said I was sorry to the kid and my mom.  (Somehow, during this turn of events, I asked Jesus to forgive me and come into my heart (as my dad and mom did with kids).   I was just a kid,so it was not the deepest thing, but I was sincere and do remember a difference after that.  Even more peace.  But It was just a child repentence, and much more would be required when I was older.  (I am a firm believer that chidlren can get saved, but those who do must make a stronger commitement when they get older.)  But I made some friends in first greade (I still remember their names) and enjoyed mysef.  I was happy.  

Trouble was brewing, though, stuff I had nothing to do with.  This was my first lesson on the scumminess of church people.   My dad preached the truth and was not afraid to call people out if they were wrong.  For example, (I didn’t know about this until I was older)  in one church he was pastor of earlier, he called out a known sexual predator. Instead of agree with the pastor and telling him to repent, the church got angry at my dad and supported the sexual predator because he was part of their church  and they had known him.  (This is the church world we live in.) 

 Anyways, the church in PA was upset with my dad because they didn;t like hearing the truth, as the truth is offensive and convicts people.   Church people think they are special and good, so they do not like feelin convicted or hearing the truth that they need to repent. The church kicked my dad and all of us out of the parsonage.   I believe we had thirty days to find a house.  We were  poor (dirt poor, as my dad says), and couldn’t find a house for 9 souls in such sort notice.  Luckily, by God’s grace,  someone that went to the church had mercy on us and let us stay in his trialer.  During these days, I dont rememebr feelin sad or thinking much about being homeless, I just enjoyed myself.  They had a trampoline I used a lot, and I pulled out my older brothers game gear (althogh my mom got mad at me and didn’t want me playing it much).  

One thing I do not remember (but I am told) is that on the first day of school, I just started crying and saying “ But we don’t have a home.”  I guess I was just a big cry baby.  When we did find a place (and fix it up)  I was so happy that we finally had a palce to call ours.    I remmeber taking pictures of my dresser and poster because it was mine.  It was my room, my wall, a place I could call home.   I was just jubulated at all of this.  The hosue we got was a beat up shack that needed  a lto of work.  There was glass and debris everywhere; a real fixer upper.  But luckily, my dad was a carpenter, and he 6 boys to give him a hand.  Now if you talk to some of my brothers, you will be told that I hid behind a couch with an older   brother while they worked.  That is not how I remember it.  I remember trying to help put up siding and doing such a poor job they did;t want my help.  I was in second grade, for crying out loud.    But after fixing it up, we had a place to stay- a place to call home.  

In second grade, I peaked.  This was probably as good as I’d ever get.  I had it all, a house to live in, a bicycle to ride, talent to waste, smarts, and the confidence and enough personality to converse (something I would struggle with most of the rest of my life).    I had a great teacher, again.   She had compassion on me for all that I had been though (being homeless and just being a pk (pastors kid)).  I remember I did well with my studies and even had enough confidence to joke around a little with the teacher.  I just remenber I had confidence for some reason.  I was not scared or nevous or second guessing myself.  Again, I peaked here.  

My mom says I gave a speech before a big audience that she was extremely proud of.  I spoke clear and loud, easy to understand and with great oratory prowess (for a second grader).   To be honest, I do not remember this speech at all.  Maybe if I did I could channel some of that ability to my talking today.  Alas, I;m half the man I used to be.  But my second grade teacher must of thought I was something special, because over the years she kept on sending me and my mom letters.  I didn;t care or think much of it at first, but at least my mom responded.  Years later, during college,  I finally wrote her back.  I put a lot of care and time into that letter to make up for all the lost times I never wrote back. Hopefully it was worth it.  And Mrs. Flick,  thank you for all your kind words and letters.  It was encouraging to know that someone outside my family cared and that someone believed in me.    Your words and letters were  not in vain.  Thank you.

One thing I should mention about pensslyvania, is that, unbeknowst to me, we really were dirt poor.  (I should add not just in PA.  I rarely asked for much, but the few times I did, I remember my mom exploding at me (it felt like) and telling me I could buy it with my own money.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but we were always tight on cash.  Later in life I realized that’s why they sometimes were furious over little things that didn’t make sense to me.  It can be very stressful having a big family and little income.)  Back to PA, my mom said she would give 50 bucks to my two olderst brothers (a senior and sophmore) to buy all the food we would eat for the week.  I remember my mom trying to get me to take school lunches, but I was stubborn and didn;t want their lunces (I was an extrremely picky eater).  Some people did have pity on us and give us food like a ham for Christmas and stuff.  I do not remember much, but growing up, I really didn;t eat much (exept pizza).  My brother said for a while, when we were fixing up the shack, all us kids slept in the same room together not on beds, but long body pillows.  I do not remember this much, but I believe it.  Also, around Christmas, we didn;t have money for gifts, but some charity or kind people (I do not rememeber who) were kind enough to give us gifts so we had something to give.  This must have been hard on my dad, as he has always loved to give gifts to his kids, especailly at Christams.  And I know the whole experience was extremely hard on my mom, the little money, no house, and judging and hateful church people.  But both my parents are strong, and God took care of all of us.

At the end of the school year, I was excited.  I was moving on up to third grade.  I had made friends in first and second, so I had confidence it would work out.  I was excited beyond words with my future there.  My 2nd grade classmates and me all huddled together to hear who our third grade teacher would be.   I was ready to move upward and onward.  It didn;t mater, however, as my life would be shattered for the first of many times.  My dad had been driving 8 hours to Ketucky to work with his old construction partner during the week, and then driving 8 hours back to preach at his new church in pennsylvania.  He was gettign burnt out and just couldn;t handle it, so we moved back to kentucky.   

Somewhere here, I seemed to regress all the confidence I once had.  I now felt all alone.  My shyness broke out.  I was quiet to starngers, and had little to say at home (although I loved my family and they loved me).  I was terrified of having to buy things from a store and had little confidence in myself.  When third grade did start, I was all alone.  New school, new classmates, new everything. Although I learned to adjust, it took time and I never really got back to the confidence I had in second grade.  

I think in third or fourth grade, I got put in a special program for “leaders.”  I dont remember much of the program, and only went to a few classes.  The general idea was that they were trying to find good kids to be examples and help others by training them, or something akin.   Little did they know true leaders are born through overcoming intense inner strifes and a strong will to perservere despite everything going recklessly amok in all the wrong ways.  I probably would have stayed on, but I thought the whole idea was kinda lame, at the time even.  Who cared if I was a leader?  I was freaken nine or ten, what was I gonna do, lead the class?  I thought that was the teachers job.   Sure, id help out a classmate if they needed help (I always did throughout my school years) but they were not my responsabilty.  Looking back, I feel every soul has to take responsablity for their actions, and if they need to fail to learn greater life lessons, so be it.   You should try to aid them as much as possible, but at the end of the day, people must take accountability for their actions.  Otherwise society will crumble if you always expect the next person to carry the load.  Yet even with my general disdian or boredom of the idea, I still may have stayed on.  But one of the first sessions, they promised they were taking a special field trip to Washington D.C. with just our small little group.  I was terribly shy and nervous, and could not imagine going anywhere without my family there by my side.  I was a picky eater, and specifically remember one thought being what I was going to eat and how I was going to get something I liked.  This was not something I wanted any part in.   So I told my mom I wanted out, and I was gone from the leader program.   

In third grade, a few things stick out to me.  First, I remember working so hard, yet with joyful enthusiams, to learn my times tables.  We even had a class challenge to see who could do them the fastest with the fewest mistakes.  I dominated, mostly.  Somehow, one of the last numbers (maybe even the 12’s) I lost my lead and the competition.  I was devesated.  I didn’t care about the prize, I wanted to do my best, to be the best.  I knew I could and felt like a failure when I lost.  I remember balling like a baby.  I even had to be sent out of the classroom it was so bad.  

The other memory that really sticks out is at the end of the year, my teacher was giving away awards.  I dont know why I was looking on the desk before they were handed out, but I did, and boy did I get an earful for it.  The teacher threatened to take away my award, and I felt terrible.  I dont even remember what the award was, or if she even gave it me after that.  But I remember the feeling of shame and guilt for doing something an auhtority figure strongly dissaproved of.  

In fourth grade (maybe fifth), for some reason I remember a story I wrote that got distinguesed (I think a class helper said they werent supposed to say I got distingushed, but I think that’s why I remember the story I wrote).  It was a short story about a fly that lived with a community of flies and had to work everyday.  He decided to run away from home so he wouldnt have to work or deal with the people that annoyed him so much and just enjoy the pleasres of life.  When he got to the outside world, he instead found out how great the pleasures of home and commradery of his family were.  He realized even with work and the minor annoyances of those he dealt with everyday, there were to many good things at home that the outside world couldn;t replace.  He came to his senses, went home, and became a better worker while appereciating the things he had.   I think that’s the just of it, anyway.   Dont know how or where I came up with that one, as I was a lazy kid at home, and rarely did any chores.   I kind of like it though.

Another project that sticks out, not because of the project, is the flat stanely project.   We had a deadline, a hard deadline that we were constatnly reminded of.  This was fourth grade, but a deadlines a deadline to me.  So I, per ussual at this stage in my life (I always tried to abide), busted my tail to get that project done.  I made sure I had all the writing done, all the pictures taken, and it  all togething in a nice little package that my mom helped with.  I was so proud of myslef, beasue I got it done on time and worked hard agianst the odds.  And you know what?   Hardly no one else had it done on the deadline.  So what did the teacher do?  She pushed the deadline for it an extra week or two.   And what did I get for doing what I was supposed to when I was supposed to?  Nada.  Zero.  Zilch.  No extra credit, nothing.    I get it was 4th grade and the teacher proabably did the right thing.  But what about the kid that acutally busted his tail to finish on time?   I remember working so hard to get that done and it felt like I was being punished for doing it right.  

I learned some vaulueable lessons.  Why should I care about doing quality work on time?   It was school and I learned alright.  I learned that most of it didn’t matter as much as I thought.   That my efforts meant little and I was wrong to try so hard.   I still tried my best, believe me.  And I still did well and wanted to learn and please.  But it was the start of me caring less and less about school, about grades, and sometimes, even about doing a quality job.  By the time I hit high school, I cared little about my grades, so long as they were decent.   I used to beam when  I showed off an all a report card.  Eventually, for numorous reasons (the one incident was just the begening of me waking up to reality)  I could care less about my grades.  They meant little to me.  Someitmes, when I stuggled with a class, I was still proud I powered though with a decent grade.   And I did hate seeing anything less than a b-, but it wasn’t a priority.   Yet, I was still a good scholar, I suppose at my own self will and amybe a little to please my family.  Perhaps I tried for God, as I was taught that verse, in whatever you do, do with all your heart, as unto the Lord.   Even with my primitive understanding, and child like love for Christ, I understood to do my best for Him.  

I  was a decent student, and just did my studies mostly with ease.   I loved math and was fascienated at american history.  I learned all the states and almost all of the capitals (to this day I stil struggle with the capitals of the northeast states).  I had a deep love for my country and state of  kentucky.  I was proud of our histroy and believed we were a special nation.  And througoout the years, even with all the lies and propaganda, they couldn’t completely conceal the fact we were a Christain nation.  We were founded by Christains whose whole culture, laws, and ways were based on the Bible and Chrsitianity.   Schools were formed so that the children could learn to read the Bible.  Love of country, or nationalism, is something everyone should agree on, it unifies us and gives us more meaning as an indivudal and nation.  Somhow, however, they’ve equated nationalism with nazis, so  therfore nationalism is bad.  This is absurd logic.  Nazis were also pro animal rights, so does that make animal rights wrong?   Nationalism creates unity amongst its people by bonding the country’s citzens together with common aspirations that stem from an ultimate, intertwined goal for the nation.   Always apply wisdom.  Anyways, back to the story.  

 I must admit I was lucky to have (in my opinoin) pretty good teachers (for the most part)  thoughout my elementary and secondary schools.  Looking back though, they just regergitted what they were taught.  Most of that was fine.  But some of it was lies and propaganda (even though I was always in more conservative areas).  For example, we watched a huge video on how prejudice is wrong and you shouldnt judge someone on the color of their skin.  This is fine and all, but why are you teaching morality without God?  How is that even possbile?  Who is the authority, or who decides what moralitty is?  If a man does, then somehting good today with be evil tommorrow.  But if we follow the Bible, and try to abide by God’s law, then there is meaning and it’s words are unchanging.  It is logical and rational and made not for God to look down and judge us or just because he wants to have control, but rather for our benefit.

It always confused me why we were not allowed to talk about God in schools.  It was illogical.  A place to learn and grow as an individual put a muzzle on true relgion.  How is that freedom of religion or speech?  Or even freedom of thought?  If you are taught to not speak about something so important, how can you really say you are free?  What you believe about God is the basic building block for all your morals and life choices.  By not allowing freedom of speech or religion, the governemnt has become tyranitcal and worse than King George ever was.  This should be one of the most important issues in our country, as it affects all of society, from the building block of the nuclear family to the nation as a whole.  How can we say we are free when we cannot even talk aout God in our schools.  What are we, a communist nation?  What is the differnece between the two?   I thought the pilgrims came to to escape religous tyranny.  Yet somehow, we are slowly letting our rights be taken away.  

Anyway, our schools are worthless .  And they are worse today than when I went to school.  At least when I went to school they were not promoting abominations like homosexuality.  This has to end soon, or this nation will collapse.  But, in my life, school was still important to me.  I had not yet realized all I understand today when I was in school.  I knew prayer and bible needed to be in school, as my Dad hammered that into me.  And as I grew, I understand more and more how wicked the schools were and how opressed the teachers were.  In one calss, the teaher asked what we should wear for a formal event coming up.  I replied nice church clothes, and was shot down.  I was so confused at the time, but later realized it was because of the anit-Chistian stance of the schools they force the teachers to take.  I rememeber in one class in middle school, a student brought up adam and eve and the teacher exploded with fear.  The teacher stopped all mention of it and said we couldn’t talk about that.  I was confused at the time and, honestly a little angry that the teacher would prevent open dialogue about such an important topic.   But I understood that she was afraid of losing her job.  Imagine that, the “land of the free”  firing a teacher for talking about the Bible!  Yet that is where we are at.   Pure opression.  And it always seems like the Christians are the ones that lose their rights.  Rarely does someone stand up for a Chrsitians right in the history of the world,  that is why our nation is so precious.  We were founded on the ideal of the right of conscious: the right to worship the one true God Jesus without government oppresion.  But we have strayed far from our roots. 

Instead of talking about God, I got to watch videos on our great men and women.  I dont know how or why I recalled it, but it just reminded me the great non biased stuff I was taught in school.  When I was in elementary school, I think, I remember watching the wierdest video for school.  Really sticks out to me.  Im sure videos are weirder now, but this one just had me perplexed.  They had us watch a video on the first lady giving an interview with a women reporter.  I didn;t know or care who she was at the time, but I thought, as a young kid who knew nothing, she was an idiot.  Please, for the record, do not give me any dirt on her (or any famous person for that matter, most aint good people), I value my life.  Dont believe me?  Google “death list’: 34 spine-tingling cases.”  That many times people just died, many “suicide,”  and they all had a connection to this person ( I dont want her name in my book).  Listen, its probably a conspiracy.  All im saying is do not give me dirt on these people, I value my life.  Im sure they’re great people who would never hurt anyone.  She says nice things to people in public, and she’s for women rights, so she cant be a bad person, right?  She’s the type of exemplary figure we were watching in school and learning from.  At the time, I didn’t know who she was or why we were watching a video on her.  But I remember the topic and thinking, even before I had the understanding I do today, how stupid this idea was.  The whole interview was about how we needed some form of governemnt healthcare for everyone.  Even I knew as young as I was this was a dumb idea on multiple levels.  

Even as young as I was, I learned about the founders hatred of excessive government, knew more government led to more problems, and thought this must be a womans idea because our nation  has never needed healthcare issued by the government (has any sucessful one?) and yet somehow we became the strongest nation in the world (maybe it was middle school).   I just didn’t understand why.  Of all the issues, even back then, you focus on governemnt healthcare for everyone?  Why cant people just take responsibility for themselves?  Why do the few people working and paying taxes gotta pay for everyone?  Its as dumb as universal healthcare (if no one works, how is anything gonna get done?).  Looking back, maybe we need a reform of our health institutions.  But giving away free healtcare is only gonna opress the middle class.  I know how taxes work: rich get tax excempt, poor cant pay, so the middle class pays taxes for everyone, while politicians, their buddies, and the wealthy get richer off the top.  Im no economists, but even I know that wont last forever, sorry geniuses.  A few ideas for fixing the health issues, which was exhasterbated by the government (theres one fix, less regulation)  and may have not been there until they decided there was an issue, is to solve (get rid of?) the endless litigation somehow (the court system isnt about justice, its about money), quit teaching doctors to be morons (the whole education system is about money, and that doesn’t always equate to a sound mind or intelligence), and not charge hundreds of dollars to get told you have a cold (dont make everything about money and court cases, make it about helping people, and no allowing mothers to kill there babies is not “healthcare”).

While im on the topic of great individuals who were praised by school (well, the last one wasn;t really praised, but we did have to sit though a video of her) id like to speak to a man who was an known audulterer, verified plagerists, possibly a rapist, and, as I was taught and everyone knows, one of the greatest men who ever lived.  He had a dream, and boy was that drilled into me.  He loved his people, the black man, that’s for sure.  Can’t blame him, I love my people, the white man too.  And even though he spoke of equality and to end segration, even today there is no equality and many of his people want segragtion.   If there were equality, blacks would not be so opressed (just cause you burn, riot, and steal doesn’t mean you should be arrested.   Reeally, white people should be in jail, its there fault for racism. Serious question, why did they riot? And dont say they were peaceful protesting because of something with rascism or another.  I may be stupid, but even I know rioting, buring, and stealing aint gonna end racism), need reperations (because even I know the only way to truly atone for our harsh sins of slavery is  for white people who never owned slaves to pay black people money for their ancestors being in chains), and make it so the population is only half white or less (it can never truly be equal unitl the percentage is there, everyone knows that.   How can we be equal if were not equal in number of people?).  Anyways, I learned well how great this man was, and, without them having to say it, realized he was not a evil man like Jesus (why else couldnt we talk about Him in school?).  Not only was he for equality but had impecable charcter.  Rracism, after all, is the greatest sin, and everyone who champaigns against it, or against mysogy, should be hailed as infallable.  (I payed attention in school.  I was a good student, after all.) And Martin Luther King Junoir, would never send anyone to hell.  Case closed. 

To be fair to old abe lincoln, I hated how they elevated him into godhood as well.  Was he a great man?  Sure, ill give you that.  A great president?  He did keep the union together, so sure.  But this inffalable man that was the greatest and closest man to Jesus since Jesus (theres a literal quote like that, I kid you not) was an infallable man.  Now, I think he should be honored and maybe even praised.  And I dont understand why blacks hate him by tearing down his statue.   You do realize he set your people free, right?  Much like women, blacks dont always make sense, so ill ignore that for now.  Even so, I mean, dude took away haebeus corpeus, the right for a judge to throw out a bogus case.  He expanded the power of the federal government that never lessened, even hundreds of years later.  He fought against states rights (look I understadn you need a strong cental government, but you gotta have balance.  Look at how little rights the people have to govern themselves due to an overpowered central government that can hardly be checked by the people.)  I ceratinly think he did some great things like officializing thanksgiving (thank you for that abe), being honest, and keeping the union together.  Just remember, though he wasn’t the only one fighting to set the slaves free and had a lot of help.  He was just the right man for the time.   

But this is a pattern in society I hate.  We overpraise people alive and historical figures above and beyond what they were and are.  I thought all men were created equal?   Not abe lincoln, martin luther king junior, or saint george floyd (the last two were perfect, as blacks cannot sin).  Even if those men were some of these greatest men that ever lived, we should not elevate them as if they were a diety.  Rememeber that God creates these men, and molds the good ones.   Christ deserves credit, glory, and praise, not man.  He was the only sinless man, and the reason men can have goodness (Christ’s goodness).   Men are evil and even for the good ones we ussually find out they weren’t as great as we thought.  Im tired of overpraising only to turn on the same person the next decade, year, or even month.  It just shows how foolish we are and how little our praise means.  I dont mind compliments or encouragemnt, I just hate elevating people above what they are.    And even the dead dont need to be diefied.  I get it, lincoln was a great man.  We dont need hundreds of books telling us about how great he was because he set the slaves free.  Im pretty sure God was the one that wanted the slaves set free, created, molded, and shaped Lincoln, and got the job done.  Why dont we praise God for ending slavery?   Or talk about how great God is for creating America, Abraham Lincoln, and freedom.  Who am I kidding, no when ever gives God credit for  creating anything excepet hell.  He doesn’t even get credit for creating countries, people groups, and dividing the nations, something most people abhor.   Just rememeber, when you wanna hate God more, God created me, and I wrote this book.   Just dont praise me above and beyond what you should.  In fact, its better if you dont praise me at all, just to keep it simple.  Praise God instead, and ill be happier, youll be happier, and God’ll be happier.  Win win win.

As a Chrisiatain going to school, I didn;t always talk bout my faith.  I wouldn;t deny my faith if someone asked, but I didn;t talk much about it.  At least not when I was going to elemenatary school or middle school.   Some kids would just say something along the lines of “I’ve never heard you swear.”  And sometimes after I had moved they’d ask why I moved and I’d tell them It was becase my dad was a pastor.  Despite trying to live a Godly life, I stayed away from religous people for the most part.  Ussually they rubbed me the wrong way and I could tell they didn’t have God, but rather that they had religion.  And I hated that.  I could just tell when people were insincere.  

For  a talent show in elemtary school we had a studetn perform Jesus loves me on the guitar.  I didnt; mind that she was singing a hymn.  I loved that hymn.  And I thought it was fine to do something like that in school.  I wish more people could and would.  But I was appaled by her spirit, even as young as I was.  I could just tell that she had relgion, and it was just a show.  She wasn;t doing it to praise God.  She was doing it to show how religious and pious she was.  I rememeber that same girl was nice to a poor girl named molly just becaase molly was poor and the religious girl wanted to be religious.  Not because she liked her or wanted to be kind to her, but beause she wanted to help out the poor in a religious way.  The poor girls name was Molly, and I felt bad for her.  I felt like she was being used by the religious girl ( I really dont remember her name) so she could do her good works and be religious.  

I ussually got along with people alright, although I didn;t have many close friends.    And I din;t visit friends much outside of school for whatever reason.  I did have a firend I did visit occasionally in elemntary school.  I do not know how mcuh I talked though.  I got really quiet at times, even around my family.  I do not know why, but I have almost always struggled to find words to  say, even to this day I feel that way.  I had (and have) my moments where I would talk a lot, but it was (and is) rare.  I’m still trying to understadn myself, I feel like i’m an enigma.  I liked people and enjoyed their company, but I struggled talking about anything.  I was too much of an introvert.   Even when I played on sport leauges, I rarely said anything.

Which brings me to the topic of sports.   I loved to watch sports on tv and play them with my brothers (and with my friends, although that was very rare).  But I was so nervous and self consioius while playing them.   I rarely had fun.  I didn;t mind practice, however.  I acutally enjoyed the drills in basketball or baseball (the two sports I palyed in leagues growing up).  I felt like I did alright here.  But when the acital game hit, I didn’t really play.  I ussually rode the bench, and when I did get out on the field or court, I still wouldn’t say I played.  I was just their.  In basketball, I tried hard on defence and hustled, but I missed all the thousands of shots I didn’t take.  I didn’t want to shoot.  I was to nuerotic.  I ahd too many emotions to focus.  In baseball, I sat in the dugout most of the time and played outfield (where nothing happened)  I don’t know if I even wanted to be in any leauge, I just was.  I didn’t really talk much to teammates either or make friends.  I felt so isolated. 

 Looking back, I wish I had had confidnce and just believed in myself.  If I didn;t have so much baggage, I could have at least played the game, had fun, and made friends.  I was actually a halfway decent athlete, but I had so much internal struggles that I couldn’t produce  not just any  results, but any real attempts.  I had my moments were I did okay, but I had so much untapped potential.  I think at the core was the fact the fact I never believed in myslef.  I always thought I was a bum, not just in sports, but in life.  I rarely thought much of myself.  In some ways I still do think i’m a loser.  And really weird.  I think if there is one thing people can agree on about me, it is that I am really weird.  I really do not understand myslef.  

I did stay at kentucky past elemntary school, so I gained a little bit in familiarity.  Same school, same group of kids, and it felt good.  I did well at the ascademic apsect of school.  The social apsect was always a struggle for me, though.  However, I started to develop as an social cerature.  Although I still had many introverted moments, like almost never having anything to say at lunch, I found a few friends I hung out with.  One of them was a brother to my oldest bothers best friend, so we knew each other already.  I always looked up to him and thought highly of him. We started hanging out and I flet like I finally found a good friend.  He was everything I wanted to be: smart, good at sports, and all the ladies oohhd and awwwed over him. 

 I wanted a girlfriend so badly, but I was extremely shy around attractive women.  I couldn;t get my mind off of women, speciaifaclly the most beaurtiful women in our grade.  I had a huge crush on her.  But I hardley ever spoke a word to her.  I was to nervous.  I remember when me and my friend where in track, the ladies would always come up and ask him why he didn’t have a girlfriend.  Me, being the loser and niave middler schooler I was, would say something like “eww girls are gross,”  while secretly obsessiing over my crush.  Man,  I was such an idiot, such a loser.  Nothing new, huh?

Remeber how I said I cried a lot?  It was the bane of my life, embarraing to me every step of the way.  I did it occasionally during sports (which I hated myself for), but I also did it during school.  And I hated myself for it everytime it happened.  I didn’t do my homeowrk once due to confusion in class, so I cried.  I was so embarrassed as this.  I wanted to get away and make everyone forget about me.  At a presentation in science, for some reason I couldn;t stop laughing, and the teacher ripped into me about it before lunch.  So what did I do?  I cried all of lunch.  I felt so pathetic.   I hated how emotional I was, and kept praying hard that it would go away.  I was so nuerotic.  My highs, like sitting next to a my crush, or gettting the highest score in the class on a test, had me on mount kilamanjarow.  But the awkwardness, th failures, the aloness I felt, and the loser mentailty all culminated to weird feelings of disgust at myslef that I do not know if I ever really conquered.  

Even if I was socially akward and had few things to say or few friends, at least people were friendly to me growing up.  Maybe they trashed me behind my back.  If they did, I do not know to what degree.  I know they mocked me for somethings, like saying I had perfect running form (behind my back they’d say I ran like a retard).  I’m sure there were other ways they mocked me later in high school, and it did rip me up inside (my paranoia made it ten times worse).  But to my face they were nice and inviting, for the most part.  I was just a quiet awkward youth who just didn;t know how to mingle.  I feel like people were trying to get something more out of me or encourage me, but I had nothing.   My middle school coach believed in me in basketball.  He tried to encourage me and help me out, but I was to self-concious to heed him.   In baseball, I remember a teamate saying that I would do good if I just got a chance to play.  But I think he was wrong, I just had so much internal struggles, I couldn’t succeed.  Maybe it was because of moving so much and starting over.  I dont know what it was, but something never clicked for me in sports or socially.

In k-8th grade acadamia, however, I felt like I thrived.  I never really thought much about my schooling.  I just showed up, did my homeowrk, and did my best. I ussually took care of all my homework on the  bus ride home.  I was a straight a student (mostly)  for these years and enjoyed learning and succeeeding.  I always felt proud when I did well on test or report cards.  I cared more about my grade than I did learning.   But I enjoyed class and had no trouble focusing. The one problem I did have was responsing to questions in class, due to my shyness.  Even if I knew the answer, I’d keep my hand down and mouth shut so I wouldn’t have to say anyhting before the class.  (I feel this shyness wasn’t as bad until 3rd grade, after we moved.)  But worst of all of this was the dreaded presentations.  I vehemently hated those .  I would much rather write a long essay than stand before the class and give a presentation.    I got so nervous standing before the whole class.  This is something that I struggle with even to this day.  I think part of it comes back to me not beliveing in myslef and thinking I am a loser.  Somehow I gotta break those bonds of self doubt.  Too many times in my life I say something and immediately think, “why did you say that?  It doens’t even make sense,” or “im so wierd”.”  The stuggle is indeed real.  

But through all the struggles, shortcomings and failures, I always had a great family to back me up at home.  My parents loved me and taught me so much and always took care of me.  My older brothers also looked out for me and supported me in everything.  We were a closee family, and had one anothers backs.   And we didn;t have religion, but we had the real thing: Christ.  As a family and individually we tried to live righteous lives and serve the Savior.  We all failed in different ways, but we got abck up.  No one is perfect, but we did our best to obey God in all our actions. 

 One of the Christian moments I am most proud of growing up happened spotaniously in middle school.  A fellow classmate was telling me how much he hated a drunk driver who killed his father.  He was angry and couldn’t let go of it.  I didn’t know what to say and don;t know how it came out of me.  It just felt like the perfect words came to me somehow.  It is hard to explain.  I didn’t even know I knew this, but I told him in  a calm and gentle manner that he had to forgive.  I think I told him something along the lines of it was for his own well being htat he forgive, otherwise he would wind up bitter.  Maybe that is a small small thing and didn;t mean much.  Maybe it wasn’t really antthing.  But I just felt so right.  It seemed so powerful.  And he seemed to take what I told him well and it seemed like I could see the forgivness before my own eyes.  

That was a good example (one of the few).  But going back in time, in 3-5 grade I was a real jerk to a friend of mine.  He always followed me around and always talked to me.   We hung out together every reccess.  One reccess, however, he told me all of his brothers died in the 9/11 plane crash.  He almost teared up he was so disheartened.  I didn;t know how to respond or act.  I was such an a lowlife.  I didn’t try to cheer him up or give any sympathy.  I just ignored it as if nothing happened.  I still kinda feel aweful about the that to this day.  I was a lousy good for nothing friend.   The worst part was that I got annoyed with him after that and told him to quite talking to me and following me around.  That’s the kinda person I am.  

Despite all the internal struggle, things started going better though elmenatary school and into 7th grade.  I had a small trio of friends I would hang out with.  I was starting to be more social and more confident.  I even started talking a little to attractive girls and being more confident around them.   Southern girls are where its at (they are gorgeuos).   And man, were there a lotta good options.   But I really did’t start getting confidence until the end of 7th grade, and before I knew it summer was here.   

 Baseball came and went and I was ready for 8th grade.  I was gonna be the top grade in middle school, giving swirlies and locking 6th graders in their lockers and all that good stuff that came with being the top dog (I jest).  But It was gonna be great.  I was so pumped for everything.  I had friends, I was as confiendet as I  had ever been.  And maybe i’d finally get that girlfriend I was so desperate for ( I had some girls on my radar).   There was so much excitement and anticipation to the next year.  I had such high hopes.  Things were finally starting to look good for me.  And just like PA, my life was shattered again.   We were moving up to the land of milk and honey (as my dad put it), my parents home state of Minnesota.

Take my Life and Let it Be

Frances Ridley Havergal

1 Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to thee.
Take my moments and my days;
let them flow in endless praise,
let them flow in endless praise.

2 Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for thee,
swift and beautiful for thee.

3 Take my voice and let me sing
always, only, for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from thee,
filled with messages from thee.

4 Take my silver and my gold;
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as thou shalt choose,
every power as thou shalt choose.

5 Take my will and make it thine;
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is thine own;
it shall be thy royal throne,
it shall be thy royal throne.

6 Take my love; my Lord, I pour
at thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be
ever, only, all for thee,
ever, only, all for thee. 

Chapter II

dat dues incrementum

God gives growth

   “But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them,”  2 Timothy 3:14

  I still remember hearing my dad tell me we were moving on the ride home from the last baeball game of the year.  I was truly devisated and heartbroken.  Everything I had built up was destroyed.  I didn;t say much, but internally I hit a new all time low (up to that point).  Why now?  Why again?  Everytime I was starting to feel confertable in my own skin, i had to leave everything behind.   It always seemed like when I finally was ready to bloom, I was nipped in the bud and forced to grow anew.  To this day I still wonder, what if I didn’t have to move?  Would I consider myself weird or feel so isolated?  Would I have gained the confidence I never had?  Would I have close friends that I could go to?  The one saving grace was that I had a big family.

And what a saving grace that was.  To this day, those in my immediate family are the only people I would consider close friends.  They are maybe the only people I really trust.  But they were always there for me.   They even showed up for my basbeall and abksetball games, even though I almost alwayas rode the bench.   At least I was to start my young life over again in minnesota with them by my side.   And as lonely as I felt, I still could talk with them.  I remember when we moved to minnesota, all I could think about was findning a girlfirend.  I would daydream that we would move next door to a beautiful girl my age and we’d be happy together.  I spent a lot of time dreaming stuff like this, I wanted so badly to find a girlfriend.  But everything I had built up had been destroyed again with the move.  I was as awkward, nervous and shy around pretty girls as I had ever been.  It was back to square one.  And in school I would be all alone.  Again.

The first day of school, I knew no one, nothing about the state or area, and no confidnece.  Thankfully, the whole middle school ate together the first day of school.  And that meant I could have a big confort on the first day as my little brother was in 6th grade.  With so many starnge people, it was bliss seeing and eating lunch with him.  But that was day one.  After that, I was a starnger in a strage land and couldn’t eat lunch with my bro.   I remember they were kind to me, however.  And even though I said next to nothing, I found a group of kids to sit with at lunch.  Here I met the best friend I would have throughout my high school years.  I know he didn’t consider be his best friend, but I would not have made it through these years without him.  

I hadnt forgot my old friends, and thought quite a bit about them.   This was especailly true of the duo of kids I had hung out with in middle school.  We started hangin out for the last two summers I was in kentucky, and had always had a blast.  I have such fond memories of us three together.  At the time, it felt like I had finally found a core group to belong to.  Be that’s not the life I live.  When I visited later, it seems I was replaced by some asian dude (at least for the time).  One of them I just lost touch with me and I always wondered what happened to.  He was awsome, and I wonder what happened to him.  The other kid I considered my best friend from kentucky, who shared so many intresets and who I looked up to as someone I wanted to be like.  I even wrote him a letter to him entitled with his nickname at the time smeagnuts (I still remember the story of how he got that, ha).   Trust me,  he was way cooler than that nickname, but chill enough to not care.  I read the letter I wrote, and thought it was weird or not good enough, I  dont remember.  It was just kinda asking how he was doing and telling him what happened to me.   You know how some people are self consious of their writing, and dont want to share it?  That’s how I felt.  And I felt so highly of him, I just felt it wasn’t good enough.  So I tore the letter up and trashed it.   I visited a few times, but he’s one of many many friends that came and went.  

Years later, I found out he was playing basketball for the universtity of kentucky, as a walk on.  You have no idea how exited and proud I was!  I told next to everyone I could, that my best friend from middle school was playing at the university of kentucky.  Most people could care less, and one teacher even doubted if we were real “friends,” asking if we acutally hung out outside of school.  That’s how little people thought of me.  At a restruant in lexington, they even had his kentucky jersey!  I was so proud that I knew him.  And even if I meant little to him, and was just another passing childhood friend, he was so great in my eyes.  I thought so highly of him I wanted to be like him.  And I used to hope in middle school we could be lifelong friends.  He even had a really cute cousin my age.  She was very very beautiful.  I rememeber I was randomnly at his house when she was there and making her laugh, I felt so great.  What coulda been…  I actually remember her name, first and last, which is suprising because I spoke and saw her very little.  I found out later she got married young because my brother was friends with her husband.  

With all those friends behind me, essentually permanately behind me, I was seatching for new friedns in a new land.  I remember saying, “best (whatever) this side of the missisippi” and one kid explained the mississippi ended in the middle of the state, so you cant say that here.  I struggled for a long time, but eventually I adjusted to the new environment.  I rememeber my mom saying she was praying hard for me to find friends, which I innevitably did.  It just was not close friends that I hung out with out of class.  But at least I found people to talk to. I sat next to a beautiful girl and found a new crush.   Once again I couldn’t say anything to her because I was too shy and my heart pounded around her.  Something about moving just made me lose everything I had built up over the years.  But I did well academically and people noticed.  I played sports for some reason and again said next to nothing and didn;t play much.  

I rememeber hating giving presentations or standning in front of the class for any reason (just like before).  I always hated the spotlight.  I suppose I just wanna take care of business and move on.  I need to be in the right enironment to excel at that sorta stuff.   I remember tensing up and my heart pounding anytime I had to speak in front of the class.  This lasted through most of college.  Maybe I just don;t believe in myslef.   Whatever it is, I still struggle in certain situations where i’m the center of attention to this day.  I ussually do fine in small groups or one on one.  But large groups make me lose it.  Thankfully, I am almost never the center of attention.  Probably too boring or something.  

One specific example of my shyness and hatred of being in front on the class was a class assignment where we just shared a song with the class (maybe we talked about it too).  I refused.  Even after the teacher pleaded with me, I said I wouldn’t do it.  I took the zero on the assignment (and still aced the class- go figure).  I was too shy, and my personal taste in music was private.  Nobody needed to know what I listened to, and I would be to embarresed to share.  Another assignment in a different class made us make a music video for a song.  I chose “dust in the wind” by kansas, as it had to be a song with meaning.  I was so embaressed and nervous I hid my face in my arms on the desk the whole time.  I wanted no one to watch it.  My heart was pounding the whole time.  It was torment. 

I even remember my huge 8th grade crush asking me what music I listened too.  This would have been the perfect time to say something to someone who I couldn;t find the courage to say hardly anything too (when I did talk it was only what was neccesary for the school project we were working on).  And the subject was music, something I could talk about endlessly.  But between the butterflies of talking to the girl I was obeseseed with, and the fact my muisc was a sensative and private subject to me at the time, I just said “everything” and I let the  conversation die.  

During this time, my dad was pastor of a church and me and my siblings living at home atteneded their youth group.  Three studnets at a local bible school led the group.  I rememeber enjoying it and learing some basics truths.  I musta been a bit of a joker (josher if you prefer)  becasuse I have a distinct memory of the leader saying I was asking good questions (or something like that) and my siblings being in disbelief that I was paying attention and behaiving.  To elaborate,  one of my older brothers once wrote (during my pre K days) that I made dennis the mennis look like an angel.  Yes, I put an unopened box of cracekrs in the microwave.  And a toy car.  It was an honest mistake.  Coulda happened to anyone.  And I may have punched a brother or two once or twice.  One time, a brother woke me up to go swimming early and I wanted no part.  He kept pestering me and eventually I clocked him good to get him to shut up.  Sorry bout that, just wanted to sleep in is all.  I think we reconciled there. 

Another time I punched my little bro because he was getting as good at me at basketball (he is, as well as a better scholar, a better athlete).  I was frustrated and wasn;t used to this, so I gave him the ol’ right hook in anger.  He felt horrible and I did too, but we made up.  I still remember his mix of confusion and horror at what I did.  He was such a gentle, loving soul, it rips my heart up thinking of all the times I let him down or done him wrong.   Years later, when I found out he struggled in high school, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for being such a terribel older brother.   I was absorbed in my own life and not there for him when he needed me most.  It still stings a bit.  I suppose my sibling were right to assume I was a bit of a rapscaillion.  Yet even a rapscallion needs and even desire God.  

As far as my prayer life went, up until this time I had just went throught the list of things to pray about:  help my family (i’d pray for each one individually),  frends, and that’s about it.  When I was real young, my mom would pray with each of us indvidually on our knees and we’d pray stuff like this.   Two of my older borhters would race to say their prayers as fast as they could.  I always stuggled to find much to pray about.   But I did try to make an attempt to pray, most days.  And I always tried to read my Bible, even if it was just a versre.   it was my mom who would always tell my oldest brother to read his Bible, even if it was just a verse.  I overheard that and try to abide.  

I was so unsure of myslef in just about everyway, and spiritually was no different.   Around this time, I started to think abiout heaven and hell.  I was terrified of going to hell. I rememebre many restless nights and hours worrying and praying that I might not to go to hell.  I called out to God repeatedly that He would not send me to hell.  I knew very  litle, and I was not confident I knew where I was going after life ended.  At least I knew there was a heaven and hell.  But there was so much I didn’t know.  Some people say they knew everyhing as a tennager.  For me as teenager, I thought I knew nothing.  I had very little knowledge about anything, espceially about God.  How did I know I was saved?  Or that I had repented?  What excately did I repent of?  Punching someone as a kid?  Was thatt enouhg?  Would that bring me eternal life?  I didn;t want to go to hell.  It sounded horiibel.  It was eternal, where the worm never dies, and the fire quencheth not.  But  I was nto sure of where I was headed.   How was I sure that I was going to heaven?  What made me special?  What had I done to desever life foever?  What did I need to do to get to live forever?  How was I sure that I knew God?  Who was God, really?  Had I  changed to a new creature in the new birth?  How did someone really get to heaven?  There were so many questions I did’t have answeres to.  And many of them took years and years with seeking and  wrestling to resolve.   The struggle was so reall and intese, it took up so much of my mind.  It was an internal battle that I would contunue to effect me even years later.  At that point, I had so many doubts about my faith.  BUt I didn;t want to to miss out on heaven just because I thought I was saved.  So I kept searching for anwers and reassurance.  I called out to God repeatedly that He would not send me to hell.   False prophets would say I should have just believed, but it is better to be honest with oneself than live in false security.  And through all of this, God was taking my doubts and using them as a way for me to seek Him.    But He was only able to help becaue I admited these doubts.   

Despite this internal restlessness, I was growing in the truths of the gospel.  I heard me dad’s preaching over the years and some of it stuck (like needing to be thankful to God).  But there is so much to learn and many times it goes in one ear and out the other or is just forgotten over time.   But I did grow much over the years and had a basic faith and understanding.   But I wasnt satisfied.  I do believe that everyone no matter how great a conversion, needs to keep pressing foreward in their walk with God.  There is so much more to untap in the depth of God’s love, understanding, and power.   After all, eternal life is to know Jesus.  Therefore, walking closer and seeking after Him, must be the ultimate treasure in life.  Over the years, I have learned that there is nothing more precious than really knowing and walking with the Chrsit.  I have come to the point that I believe anyone who’s main reason for wanting to go to heaven is not to be with the Christ, then he or she is probably not a true believer.  I had to go through hell to  get to these points though.   But we will get through that later.   In the meantime, I was starting a new, challanging, journey:  surviving high school.

High school was difficult for me in many ways.  But it also shaped me in a lot of ways.   This is where a bunch of life defining stuff happened for me.  Fortunatley, I didn’t move.  Unfortunatley, hoewever, worse things happened.   But we will get to that in due time.  I definatly would not have made it through my first two years of high school without having an older brother helping me out.  He was adored by his classmates (always had been).  And the ladies owwed and awwed over him.  He even took two girls to the same prom.  But at home, he just went to his room and focused on his studies.  He was still loving and good to me, though.  And he was still there for me when I needed it.  

 When high school started, I really didn’t care about my studies.  I mean, i did my work and gave some effort to do well but I wasn’t focused on getting straight a’s.  I was just trying to survive.  And in my mind, what was the point of putting all my time into studies?  I really didn’t have a plan of college or anything at any point in high school.  I didn’t have any idea of what I wanted to do.  I never did before.  I suppose I cared  a little about doing a good job, but only to a point.   I was still a good student.  And I got almost all as and bs (with some cs and maybe a few d’s).  But academics was secondary to me.  I still worked somewhat hard, but it just wasn’t my sole focus.  I had other priorities: like findidng myself, growing as a person, and trying to survive day to day in the social jungle called school.

At this stage in my life, I was more focuesed on trying to surivive as a social creature than schoolwork.  Man, oh man, there were a few high points, but mostly akwardness and so forth (at least from my eyes).  There were a lot of cool kids that I loved a lot (not in a gay way at all).  I often wished I was better friends with so many people.  I suppose, as shy and quite as I was, I was still a people person.  I still  pray for many of my friends to this day.  And I am grateful I met so many cool people.  But I never really became close friends to anyone.  In the end, some things are just out of your control, and quite frankly it wouldn’t have mattered much anyway.  I knew many kids and was friendly, but never really had any close friends that I had desired (and never got that long deisred girlfriend).   Most of them went the way of the world or the false relgion (at least it seems) anyway.  Yet there are certain things I wanted above this, namely a family.

A big family was the  one thing I wanted from a young kid.   It had been such a big hope and deisre.  I never thought of what I was gonna do for a career.  I really didn’t care much.  The main thing was that I had a big family.  And this was probably because I was part of a big family and it was great.  I had so many happy memories with so much love poured onto me.  And when I was at my low point in life, the only people to visit me in the hopital were my family.   They were there for my highs and lows.  And there was so much laughter and love and comradery.  This is what I wanted to continue, to pass on.  But my own family was a distant dream.  I knew I had a long way to grow as an individual.   I still had to become a man in so many ways.  

You learn so much as you grow from basic understandings, to basic skills, to traits and conistancies in people.  Its our experiences that shape our understanding and beliefs.  I believe I was in early high school and learned a valuable lesson firsthand. I would never forget about this lesson on how  man is evil and lie as much as it takes to get money.  When we were in the city visiting a museum, a hitchicker asked if he could get a ride.  He had a sob story about how much he needed money because of hard times and such and such.  I’ll admit, he had his story down pat, and was very convicing.  I was in the front seat with my dad, and my dad listened and asked questions.  The black man just said he could use some money as he was struggling.  My dad didn’t do anything right away.  I felt bad for the guy and had my wallet on me. I had never heard a story like this, being sheltered and living in suburia or rural areas all my life.  I saw i had a twenty and began reaching into it to help the poor soul out.  My dad saw this and shook his head no at me.  I felt crushed and perplexed.  I just wanted to help him out!  After we dropped him off, my dad explained how people will lie about anything to get money.  And almost always, its for drugs or alcohol.  I just remember dwelling on how evil people are and wondering why they can’t just get a job or be honest.  I really wanted to help that guy, but I realized I couldn’t.  He had to get right and money wouldn’t solve his real issues.  

I had another experience to back up what I learned.  We were traveling between states, and stopped by a pizza place called UNO in downtown cinncinatti ohio.  It was near downtown, so of course, a black man comes and asks if we had any money, claiming he needed some for food.  My dad didn’t believe him, but wanted to help if he really was hungry.  So he invited him to get pizza with us.  As I mentioned before, we were pretty poor ourselves, but we wanted to help out our fellow man.  For some reason or another, the black guy rejected our offer.   It was again explained to me he probably just wanted money for drugs and acohol.  Let this be a lesson that money is not the answer to peoples problems.  That’s one reason I hate welfare.  People need to work and earn a living for their own good.  Otherwise they’re more prone to get into trouble.  And dont even get me started on legalizing recreational drugs.  That will destroy any nation.  Even “harmless” recreational drugs like mirijuana will only cause more problems than the zero they fix (I guess they make people money?  Because there is no other way to get money in life?  Right?)  

Another point I’d like to make is that of the few black people ive met or know in my life, even the fewer I considered friends, almost all of them fall into one or mulitple of the many black stereotypes.  One friend I had in high school stole a UK hat for me.  He did it with some friends, but I think they said the one black friend of ours was the one that actually stole it.  He meant to get a KU hat, but grabbed a UK one instead.  They realized I was a Kentucky fan so they gave it to me.   I didn;t find out right away it was stolen, but when I did, I felt guilty until the day I threw the hat out years later.  I always wanted to rip into my friends about stealing but never found the courage or cared enough.  And I thought about finding the place and paying them back or something but never went through the trouble.  Instead, I just kept the hat with the guilt and shame.  Most black kids I knew weren’t bad dudes and didn’t fit into all of the stereotypes(at least when I knew them), but they still feel into one or many.  It makes you realize stereotypes are there for a reason.  And now white cultures gone to the dogs.  We’re as bad or worse than the blacks in most of the infamous things they are known for!  To be fair, I dont know a soul on earth that dont like fried chicken or orange soda.  I dont know why thats even a stereotpye…  

During the beginning years of high school I was still nervous and timid.   I still hated buying anything at the store beacuse I had to go through the checkout lanes and interact with living beings.  And I hated having to make a phone call for anything other than a friend or immediate family.  I rememeber my brthers would try to make me order the pizza on fridays and I would fight it with everything I had just so I didn’t have to call.  I didn’t know what to say or how to act.  And I was just nervous.  It wasn’t until sometime during college that I got over this.  I hated being in new social environments with a lot of people.  That’s when I felt the most alone.   This was especially  true when I was without my brothers.  I rarely said much when hanging out with friends outside of school.  This made things awkward and I could feel it.  I struggled with so many mundane tasks that no one else my age would even think twice about.  And I definatly didn;t believe in myself.  I thouht I was a worthless loser most of time.  It seems to me the only times I felt proud of myself or confident were when I was all alone or with my family.

 I was especailly nervous around attracitve girls.   Especially my crush from 8th grade (it didn;t go away that easy).  I was so obessed with this girl that for the first 2 or so years of high school I purposely wouldn’t talk to other attractive girls (with maybe a few exceptions).  I rememeber a super attractive girl sat next to me in one class and sometimes tried talking to me.  But I just put a wall up agaisnt her.  In my mind I was being faithful to my crush by not saying anything.  And I never really talked to my crush at all (other than a few words here and there).  But I purposely tried to stay away form other attractive girls to be faithful to me crush.  It was just a warped, pathetic mentality.   I still remember  my sophmore year it was just me and my crush walking towards each other in the hallway.  I finally had the courage to just say hi.  I don’t know if she rememebered me at all, but she said hi kinda happily (as I remember it).  I do not think I  have ever had a high that high in my entire life.  It was jubulation, pure bliss.  I couldn’t think or focus the rest of my next class period.   I didn;t care about class or anything else at that moment.  I was on top of the world.  Sadly, that’s as far as it ever wernt.  I never really talked to her again.  Years alter I would look back at all the wasted opportunities in high school.  There were so many beautiful girls there (it was a good sized school).   But, I think It was providence, as I was full of lust and obession towards girls since middle school.  Although I didn’t say much, my mind was consumed with them.  And this was even before I began to look at anything pornographic or do anything realted to that.  

Everything in high school took time for me to adapt to.  I did make some friends and was gaining confidence in myself, ableit slowly.  But I still felt alone and awkward.  I rememeber I rarely had anything to say at lunch through virtually all my high school career.  Even though I didn’t say much, at least I had a table to belong to most of the time.  And there were the times there wasn’t enough room at the table I would sit in, so I would eat at a table alone.  That was torchure.   Eating by myslef, with a huge dinning hall, it was a nightmare.  It was like everyone was together while I was alone.  It felt like they were all singling me out.  I swear I felt the most alone when the most people were around.  Thankfully it didn’t happen much and the kids were pretty friendly to me, even if I was quiet.  

I rarely hung out with anyone or went to many parties most of my high school carreer.  A few times I hung out with some friends, but it seemed like everytime I said so little and added so little, they didn’t want me back.  It was awkward all around, so I have no hard feelings.  I just wish I could have said something.  I even remember an instance of a graduation party I went to of someone I considered a friend.  For some reason I got there early and was talking a little to him.  Another one of our mutual friends was there and I could hear him saying when they thought I was out of ear range something like “dont worry, ill stick around until he heads out.”  I knew I was a weirdo and whatnot, but it still stung.  I had a group of friends I played volleyball or ultimate frissbee with my last two years of high school, when I was really struggling (youll see why later).  I never had much to say though, so I felt like I was just there.  But they were good to me, and I still think of them from time to time.  When they started getting into drinking after high school, I kinda strayed away and distanced myself.   I remember maybe the one party I went to in high school was my freshmen year, where it seemed like any freshman that was anyone was there.  I knew some kids there, and had a good time.  Afterwords, they invited me to an exclusive afterparty to drink.  I wanted to leave asap, and my brother came shortly afterwords.  I wanted no part in drinking or drugs.  On a seprate occasion, a well known druggie thought I was cool and wanted to hang out. I was so shy and timid at the time I didn’t know how to say no.  When I asked when it was, it was the same week my family was heading out of town.  I told him I couldnt matke it and thanked God profously.  

One of the few other parties I went to was a new kid’s party in my sopmore year I think.  He was inviting everyone, and I saw was a cute girl he invited act like she was gonna go (liar!).  I hardly ever talked to the kid, but I thought a lot of people where gonna be there (and he seemed to invite all the cute girls, so it seemed like a win win).  He seemed like a standout guy, maybe a little too clean.  It seemed to rub everyone the wrong way.  I though he was a little square, but I still liked the kid.  I went to his party and no one showed up from school.  It was just me and his family.  It was so friggin awkard.  I thought for sure someone else would have went.  I said little and watched the clock as we did family party activities.  I’d have treated him better in a different time, but at the time, I was struggling and I hated the fact I was the only one from school that went.  We rarely spoke after that, and I had no problem with that at all.  One weird thing about the guy was for some reason later on, everyone spread some rumour that he was gay.  I never once thought that about him, and thought it was a cruel prank, but people seriously thought that.  It got to the point they asked him so many times, he broke and started sayin“i dunno, maybe I am.”  He used to deny it, but they pestered the poor kid so many times, I think he genuinely questioned himself.   He later found a cute girlfriend from church, so good for him. Those kids who questioned him or spread the rumours were a bunch of a@#holes

I don’t think anyone was really mean to me in high school (at least to my face).    I got teased here and there for stuff, but it was done in good spirits.  Even when I was picked on, it seemed someone was there to have my back.  I felt that there was little hate or ill will towards me.   For some reason, it seemed people tended to like me though.  I don’t know why.  Most of my troubles were internal. I was extremely nuertoic with many doubts and fears.  And if I messed up or mispoke, my inner voice would tear me up to shreds.   And I often stuggled to find much to say.   I never really felt like I belonged.  It seemed like I was just there, and if I left little would change.  I felt like an outsider for much of high school (and most of my life, quite frankly).    

I once again joined sports teams, this I time for the school.   I really do not know why I joined the teams for.   I once again played little to zero time on the field or court.   And the few times I got an opportunity, I got nervous and squandered them.  Case in point:  in baseball I had a chance to play second base, and the first hit was a routine grounder that went right under my glove.  That was embarassing.  It was a routine play I could make nine outta ten times in practice (maybe ten outta ten).   But my nerves just got the best of me.  I got sent to the bench again after that.  At least I made friends and enjoyed the comradere (even if I had little to say).  I just wished I had confiendence and had enjoyed playing sports and not been so timid.  In practice it seemed like I did fine, even excelling (in my eyes).  But I could never do anything in the game.   For some reason, my parents went ot almost every game througout all my sporting events.  That’s gotta be hard when your kid never gets in.  Ah well.  

Wihile I still sucked at sports, other aspects of my life where starting to improve.  School was easy, and I did well, even though I put little effort into it.  However, I learned to not care much, espcially for things I didn’t care about (like science).  I think I’d spend as little time on homework as possible and then do other things.  But I did put in effort and tried to do my homewrok.  I just didn’t have it as the ultimate priority.  And although I was a good student and did my work, straights a’s or gpa were things I cared little about.  I don’t even rememebr what my gpa was.  But there were more important things in my mind.  

There are so many great friends I could write about here, who had such a lasting impression on me.  I still have such love for so many of them (really no hate for anyone either.  Even if you did wrong me, or mock me, I still remember the good you did to me).  Maybe we didn’t hang out much or at all outside of school, but many of your friendships will not be forgotten by me, even if I am and will always be a nobody.  Even if you strongly disagree with what I say in this book, I still think fondly of you and still have love for yous.  Every now and then I reminse about you guys, and wonder how your life is turning out. 

At one graduation party to this girl I knew, I remember not saying hi to any of my friends, as I didn’t want to embaress myself.  I just held a quick chat with this girl who I considered a friend and told her it was nice knowing her and how I doubted we would ever see each other again.  I still rememebre her name.  I didn’t know her very well, but the short time I knew her my junior year before the accident, I thought she was great (and beautiful).  She probably doesn’t even rememebr me, but she was memorable to me.  I’ve never spoken to her since.  For all I know shes happily married living the good life.  If you are, im so happy for you.  You’re all reading what a waste of life mine has been.  But you guys (and the few girls I talked to) still mean so much to me.  

I know life is short and I will not be able to talk or spend much time with any of you on this earth, but I truly believe the soul is immortal.  I sincerely hope we can catch up in heaven, we just each gotta make it there.  And trust me, I think i finally brokethrough where I can have conversations.  I dont have that weight, nerviousness, shyness, or say all that dumb stuff.  Not to toot my own horn, I am still weird, but in a good way.  Although there is still a little hatred for myslef, I feel comfortable with who I am.  And I will one day find a girl that loves me, who gets me.  I wanna apologize for the times I let you guys down.  When I didn’t show up when I said I would (I rememeber one time I said i’d go paintballing, and for some reason couldn’t.  I didn’t let them know I couldn’t make it, and wound up crying on my bed for  quite some time, as I felt like a liar and I had let them down).  I apologize when I didn’t see you in pain to help (one friend had cancer and beat it and I didn’t find out until graduation), and when I just wasn’t good to you (even if I teased you or said bad things sometimes, I never had hate for anyone).   Please look past my faults, and know that every now and then, you guys are in my prayers.  I expect great things from the great people I knew.  Even all yous drugies and heavy drinkers that I loved, I will never give up on you.  

Over the years, I met many people I considered friends, even if they didn’t call me the same.  There were certainly many who I talked to and appreciated that I didn’t consider friends as well.  But there was one kid that really sticks out to me, and who I felt I bonded with.  He was a loner, and seemed to have no friends, which is how I felt a lot of times.  I rememeber the first time I met him, I was actually walking home from school.  It was a ways away from school, but we were taking the same path so I caught up to him. Im pretty sure this was either 8th or 9th grade, when I first moved up to the land of milk and honey.  I tried starting any kind of conversation, from school to video games, to any hobby he might have.  He said a little about video games, and I mean very little.  After that he stayed quiet.  I tried holding a converstion, but I could tell he just wanted to be left alone.  I think I rememeber seeing him at school and he was always alone (from what I remember- maybe im wrong).  But he seemed like a cool guy, just quiet.  

Later, in my junior year I had some classes with him.  For some reason, he opened up to me.  He didn’t tell me his life story, or even much about himself at all.  But we conversed.  And I actually thought he was pretty cool.  I considered him a friend.   I remember we had a pottery class together, and we had all sorts of good talks.  On occasion we’d even talk about religion, my passion.  To this day I have no idea what relgious background he had (I think he was aetheist, but I have no idea).  Yet I recall he seemed to agree with a lot of my logic on things like evolution.  He would even give his reasonings why it was ridiculous.  I remember my potter teacher even getting mad at me for talking about religious stuff in school.  He was a cool teacher, but he was stepping way over the line.  I’m sure he just didn’t wanna get into trouble, but he had no space telling me what I could say in private converstions.  I ignored him.  Before it got any worse, well you’ll see soon about how I was hospitalized for a few months, so nothing came of it. 

Now i’ve said I had a crush from middle school that I was obsessed with and how I couldnt talk to any other girl because I was being loyal to her.  This is true.  But there was one minor exception.  There was a girl I met my freshmen year, I still think fondly off.  I still rememebre how we met in english class.  We were doing a group poster and she commented how she liked our poster.  I asked if she liked my incredible bubble letter fonts (I was being fascicious, as even I knew they weren’t special.  It was just something to say to her) she said something nice like “yeah that’s nice.”  It meant everything to me at the time, esepcaally coming from such a beauutfil girl.  I dont know how we became friends (and I dont know If she ever consdiered me that good of a friend, but I always thought she was awesome with a great personsality and kind and extremey beatutiful).   We had quite a few classes over the years, and sat next to each other in some.  We actually had some genuine converstaions.  For a guy whod get butterflies when he talked to any pretty girl, this was a huge achievement.  I rememeber I was in football sophmore year, and we were told to sit in the front of the class.  She must of kinda thought I was her friend, cause she sat next to me, even though she told me she hated sitting in the front of the class.   I remember freshmen year she wore black hair and was almost goth, but not quite.  But she was such a kind, sweet girl, even if she was going though a lot, she had such a beautiful smile.  

I always thought so highly of her.  She said she liked going to the old folks home and visited, so I could tell she was  a special, different kind of girl.  But it probably also meant she had been through some tough things. I never did get a chance to ask her about it all, and I honestly dont know if I could have helped, especailly at the time.  But later on she wore blonde hair after being slighty goth, and she didn’t seem as reclusive as when I knew her.  Hopefully she overcame her stuggles. I know I was trying to be loyal to my crush, but I really liked this girl.  When I added her on myspace, I found out she had a boyfriend.  I still wanted to be friends,  cause I thought she was great.   I rememeber writing something stupid on a paper in class, “perfecting myself” and I think she saw it.  I always felt so guilty and like such a loser for writing that.  And sophmore year in spanish, I said id go to one of her soocer games but never did.  I always felt terrible about that.   In my junior english calss, when I was coming to my own and talking more, I felt I neglected her as a friend cause I said little to her while talking to everyone.  I felt horribel abiout that.

  When I recovered from a hospotial insident my junior year, I remember seeing her in the hallway almost everyday.  Everyday I had such a profound desire to stop and talk to her so, to tell her what happened and ask how she was doing.  But everytime, my nerves would hit, like I had a huge crush on her (she was beautful), and even though Id talked to her so many times before I couldn’t say a word.  I remember when our senior yearbook came out, I got maybe my first yearbook, to try to remember people.   It was then I realized how few friends I had, when I got people to sign it.  I remember I just got random people to sign it, just so I had some autographs.  When I read it after gruation, I couldnt match the names of most of the people who signed it with their faces.  And when I wanted this girl ahsley to sign on it, she seemed upset and annoyed at me.  She wrote it was good being friends freshmen year or something like that.    I remember being crushed and confused.  Maybe it was something I did, like not going to her soccor game or not talking as much to her in english class.  But I thought we were friends.  Maybe I just didn’t have many friends that were girls, so I thought we were closer than we actually were.   But I felt so close to her, I felt like we bonded over the years.  When I was in the hopsital, I even cracked about how I liked her, and not my crush.  I specifically remember because there was a famous ashely tisdohl, who id never heard of, and that’s what they correccted me as lking.  I profously refuted and told the dude he had no idea what he was talking about.  The girl I liked had a name that rymed with hers (I wont say it so she doesn’t have to be associated with me.  I know how it goes, they always interigate people for having racist, mysogonist, homophobic, xenophobic friends and make them denouce them.  Ill spare you the trouble.  Im all those things, but she is not.  She is a decent person.  There, you relgion of liberalism zealots, burn me, not my friends).  

After high school, I even went to myspace and tried writing her.  I told her I was sorry, and asked for forgivness multiple times.  It just didn’t make sense to me.  Why wouldn’t she just talk to me?  We used to talk, and I dont rememebr being that much of a jerk.   This hurt even more than my crush rejecting me when I finnally asked her out back in high school.  I still dont know what I did wrong or why this girl wouldn’t talk to me.  I still think so fondly of her.  Im not saying she did anything wrong, I was a weirdo after all (youll see why later) and I would not have wanted anything to do with me at that point either.  And I know nothing would have came of it, she’s probably married by now, I have no idea.  I just would have liked to have one last chat and tell her I was so grateful for how kind she was to me.  I would have liked one last goodbye to say, thank you, I may have been nothing to you, but you meant so much to me, even just as a friend.   If your reading this you still come up in my mind every now and then, mostly just as confusion.  What did I do wrong?  Although I thought you were bearutiful (your senior photo turned out great btw.  I honestly havent looked at in over a decade, but I still remember that smile and blonde hair you dyed it.  Well, maybe once 6-7 years ago I looked at my old classmates in the yearbook and came across it.)  and while I would have loved to date you, I know I couln’t have dated anyone in my high school state.  I doubt you ever wanted to date me anyway, and I dont even feel bad about that.  I really just wanted to be friends.  It doesn;t matter, anyway.  You proably dont even rememebre me.  Just know that I still think highly of you, and am grateful we were friends.  Even if you never considered me a friend, I will always think of you as one.

I want to follow up on that.  Ill leave that because that’s how I felt.   Later when I was going through withdrawl off my medicine (spoilers, its a comedy, not a tradegy) I couldnt hardly sleep and had terrible withdrawl symptons.  I understood why I hated drugs so much.  It may relieve the pain a bit, but the after affects were hell.   Anyways, I was struggling and was looking at old friends on facebook.  I found her name, but it was some photography business she had.  She had her high school photo in there, and she was even more beautfiul than I rememebr.  You know how sometimes you think a girls attractive and then later you look at her and realize shes not?  Not this one, she was a true beaut.  Anyways, I got kinda depressed looking at her photo.  My heart sank.  I dont know why.  I think its because I never knew why she wouldnt talk to me my senior year, and I was just so sad about it.  I dunno.  But I mustered up the courage and wrote her a short message thanking her for the good memories we shared in high school.  I honestly didn’t expect a reply back.  A little while later, im looking for another girl who had the most beautiful blue eyes I remember seeing in person.  Is that perverted? I dunno.  But I was struggling and wanted to remember those eyes from this different girl.  Anyway, before I could type the name of the blue eyes (she was cute too, but I didn’t know her very well, just remember those eyes),  I got a text message.  At first I thought It was someone else, as I had been messaging quite a few people at like 3 or 4 in the morning.  I looked and saw my old friends name.

At first I couldnt believe she even remembered me.  I just figured I was forgettable.  I had spent so much time putting myself down and hating myslef and feeling rejected I just assumed people not just forgot me but that they wanted to forget me.  Even if they say good things or when id catch up with them on facebook, that would pass and id be alone realizing no one was there for me.  I think I know now no one could be there for me.  I had to take this cross alone.  We all do, in a way.  And I think that’s why Chirst came.  To be there with us and for us.  Not with audible words or in our physcial sights.  But in our hearts, conforting us, speaking in ways that transend language and sight.  I saw a video on a random peronsality type that kinda fit me and made me realize other people are like me.  For the record, when I took the personality type quiz, I was almost neutral, everytime.  Almost exculisvly in the middle.  Im not kidding.  I think brown was the middle, or something.  Any other brown personality types?  Told ya I was a weird guy.  

When I read her words, I couldnt believe they were postive.  She remembered me, and in a good way.  I always felt I had let her down some way, even just as a friend.  And that’s why she wouldnt talk to me.  I hadnt tried to contact her since directly after high shool, so I just assumed she wanted to be left alone by me.  When I read her words, I wept tears of joy.  Even though I had a crush on another girl, I never really talked to her.  It was emotional infatuation.  I was werid complex, and really shy, still figuring things out, attracted to this other girl since middle school and not letting go, so yeah.  But this girl, who I admit I also liked, acutally talked with me, so I have those bonds of connections, those feelings from our words and her kindness to me.  She even sat in the front row when she didn’t wanna just up front just to sit by me.  Thank you.  I cant say how happy I was to just know you thought fondly of me, that you weren’t mad at me or against me.  I know this sounds pathetic and wieird, but Im a pathetic and weird guy.

When I read about what she did, I was even happier.  She got married, had two kids, and this is the part that made me so so happy, she was a stay at home mom.  The best kind of woman.  The one I admire and honor.  Maybe her career never took of, I dont know and dont care.  She was not ashamed to tell me that she was a stay at home mom.  I know some women have to work who dont wanna, and those woman are great.  But so many women choose work and career over family, and I find those women useless.  We will get to a society where the woman can stay at home and the family can make it.  And in this day and age, when soceity looks down at the women who stay home, when the schools preach that the woman have to compete with them men and get the same jobs as them, that goes a long way.  She was something special, and I was right to remember her so fondly.  I knew she was too great a person, to awesome of a woman to waster her time in a stupid career.  I liked her even more right then.  I knew I had good taste, even back then.  I know shes gotta be an awesome mom, and a great wife.  It gave me hope that there are some great women out there.  Some great women who are absolutly gorgeous both on the inside and out.  Not every women was a trash selfish career type.  There are good women out there who arent all about themselves.   She proves that.  I just dont know how ill find one.   The good ones always get taken, ya know?  

Ill share some school stories that show I wasn’t just a typical good kid.  Yes, I behaived well, did my assignments and, come to think of it, never got detention, swamp duty (where you have to help clean the cafiteria), or really any serious trouble. k-12 (or college too).   (with the exception of punchin some kid in 1st grade for taking to long at the water fountain, but I covered that).  Their was a certain spanish class my sophmore year I took with my friends.  Alot of my friends were in it, and it was spanish, so I was trouble.  Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved to learn another language.  But the care, effort, and time needed was, and is not, within me.  Most were in it to put on their college resume, as most colleges required two years of a forieng language.  Little did those colleges know, if everyone needs to take an elective, all there buddies are in there and they will learn nothing.  (Not that colleges care about what you know or learn, as they only care about money and anti america/anitchristain propaganda.) So,  me being the budding plant that was gradually becoming more and more social, talked way too much, and almost exclusively in english.  One time we were playing scrabble in spanish and one of my buddies betrayed me.  So I looked up the word for jew in spanish and called him that.  I showed my best friend what it meant and we had a good laugh.  Somehow the teacher found out about it.  I cant remember if she kicked me out or what.  But me and that teacher did not get along that semester (which was weird beause I had her before and there was no issues).  I  told my family at the dinner table about this teacher I didn’t care for and our constant stife towards one another.   I recall  my sister, who I did not hardly ever get along with almost my whole life, saying, “but he’s not a bad kid.”  And I remember going to the bathroom and heavily crying over it all.

In my sophmore year, in english class, one day the class was loud and rambunctious.  The teacher told us multiple times to quiet down or she would make us stay late.  The kids kept talking anyway.  Although I stayed quiet, I wasn’t the type to take the teachers side or tell the other kids to shapen up.  So, when the bell rang, and the teacher said everyone had to stay 10 minutes later, I just gathered my stuff and quietly walked out the door.  It was the last class of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong, and I just wanted to go home.  I thought it was stupid I was being punished for other’s crimes.  Sure, I get sometimes individuals suffer because a group they are part of does wrong while they don’t.  And sometimes that is just.  But, I just didn’t care.  I was a good student and almost always well behaived, so I just left.  When the teacher talked to my mom about it, my mom and family took the teachers side.  I felt horrible.  Not only was I punished for not doing anything wrong, but my closest allies scolded me for it.   There were many moments of questioning why I was punished for doing wrong, and why everyone agreed it was just.  I felt like I was on my own, my own family wouldn’t take my side.  I still remember sitting alone on an hour long bus ride for a baseball game, crushed emotionally and mulling over it all the whole time.

The next story I find funny.  It was my 11th grade english class, and I was on top of the world.  I was confidnet, intellgent, and even answering questions in front of the class.  I had a cool teacher who appreicated my work and got along with great.  I had classmates I considered good friends and there were some beautiful girls that I got along with.  Every friday we played word games.  Hang man, pictionary, and other less known ones (like where you have to talk as long as you can without saying like, um, or other filler words).  It was a blast.  Anyways, one assignment we read speeches we researched and wrote.  One girl gave a good speech, Ill admit.  But the teacher came out over the top and over praised it to no end, calling it the greatest speech she had ever heard.  Now, normally I wouldn’t care and just let it go.  But I was confident, and I hated hyperbolic praise.  So, I blurted out, “I didn’t think it was THAT great.” I didn;t mean bad, and certainly didn;t mean for it to come out that way.  It was a good speech.  But when someone goes overboard on how great something is, it irks me something fierce.  Immediatly, the teacher said to me  “get out of my classroom now.”  So I did.  I later found the girl who gave the speech and apololigized.  I told her I didn’t think it was a bad speech, just hated the over praise.  She wasn’t upset at all, and said she agreed.  The teacher even later apololgized to me.  We reconcilled and got along fine after that.  Never heard her say something was the greatest speech she ever heard after that.  I never made it though the whole semester in this class (youll see why soon), but it was a joy for the time I was in it.  

By the time I became I junior, I was finally starting to come into my own.  I was less concerened about what others thought and finally felt like I was something.  I had accumulated friends from the previous years in minnesota and finally felt comfertable and confident.  I began breaking outta my shell and talking more.  I even started talking in front of the class or answering questions witth little fear.  I felt like all the setbacks were over and I could be something.   I even got over my crush and started chatting with some girls with no butterflies.   Things were looking so good.   This is what I had been waiting for my entire life.  What could possibly go wrong?   Something I never dreamed of.  Somthing hidden deep inside and waiting to unearth from within me.  Somthing called bipolar disorder.

Higher Ground

Johnson Oatman, Jr.

1 I’m pressing on the upward way,
New heights I’m gaining ev’ry day;
Still praying as I’m onward bound,
“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

Lord, lift me up, and let me stand
By faith, on heaven’s tableland;
A higher plane than I have found,
Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

2 My heart has no desire to stay
Where doubts arise and fears dismay;
Though some may dwell where these abound,
My prayer, my aim, is higher ground. [Refrain]

3 I want to live above the world,
Though Satan’s darts at me are hurled;
For faith has caught a joyful sound,
The song of saints on higher ground. [Refrain]

4 I want to scale the utmost height,
And catch a gleam of glory bright;
But still I’ll pray till heav’n I’ve found,
“Lord, lead me on to higher ground.” [Refrain]

 Chapter III

Alea iacta est 

the die is cast

“Sorrow is better than laughter,
For by a sad countenance the heart is made better. “

Ecclesiastes 7:3 

The first time I remmeber being depressed was my sophmore year.  I remember I came home from baseball and it just hit me like a sting.  I sat on the floor of my room with a huge hole of pain.  I felt so empty and lifeless.  Nothing could satisfy me, and it didn’t go away.   It consumed me.  It took away all the happiness and peace I had and replaced it with a huge void of nothing.  I vividly remember thinking about my life and not wanting to go on.  I had done so little and meant so little and the gaint pain of depression was all I could think about. My whole life seemed so hopless and vain.  A truth popped into my head from the Bible that the body is the temple of the living God.   I knew there was a God and things could get better, so I spared my life that day.  But most of me wanted to end it there.  All the hope of the future nearly felt overpowered by the proposition of taking away all thte pain and emptiness.  Yet that verse had enough power and hope to keep me going.  I believed there was a God and He could make things better.  And things did get better,   for the time being.  

It was my junior year and things were going well.  I was on the jv basketball team, making friends, doing well academically, and coming outta my shell.  I felt confident and cool for once.  I was talking more to everyone and began believing in myslef.  And I had the smarts and personality to back it all up.  I no longer thought I was a useless pile of crap.  I had moved on from my crush and had some beautiful girls on my radar.  I was talking to attractive girls and the butterflies were moslty (If not entirerly) gone.  I started hanging out with friends outside of school.  In my classes I started talking more.  I answered and asked more things in front of everyone.  I was no longer afraid.  I even said dumb stuff and didn’t care.  I moved on and kept going.  I felt like I had finally found myself.     But little did I know I had a lot more to uncover. 

There was a science teacher I had from my sophmore year that I would sometimes go and talk to before school when I was struggling.  She helped me in a lot of way.  If nothing else, she was an ear to talk too.  Sometimes we would talk about my struggles, sometimes about whatever.  But the more I grew, the less we seemed to talk.  She seemed like a Christian in a lot of ways, but she was a science teacher and believed in evolution.  So I had my doubts.  My junior year, one day during school,  I remember we had a heated conversation.  We were talking about evolution.  I just remember I destoryed her arguments and ripped her logic apart (from what I remember).  I felt really good.  I felt powerful.  She ended in tears and went home early.  I felt like I had won the battle.  I was on a high.  

After that day, I couldn;t sleep.  I do not rememeber how many days it was I went without sleep.  It was multiple.  My mind started going crazy.  I would just lay there thinking strange thoughts that didn’t make sense.  I had vivid thoughts that felt like I was dreaming when I was awake.  My dad prayed in tounges over me and I remember saying that it sounded like devils talk.  It mustn’t have been, but I had never heard eihter of my parents talk in tounges before, and It just kinda seemed strange to me.   I rememeber one day for breakfast I had crazy ideas where I thought I was adam (the first man).  My paretns took me to the hospital.  

On the way to the hospital, I remember feeling on top of the world and at peace.  I read some Bible verses.  I spoke words as if I was prophesying about some crazy stuff that would happen.  I felt like I was prophesying the future.   And even if none of it made sence, it did in my warped mind.  I was checked in and my mom, one or two brothers, and an aunt were there.  After discussion, I was hospitalized with the minors, even though I could grow a beard (which they shaved every now and then).  I was only 16 at the time.  My mom later said she kept an eye out for depression in us kids because her family had a history with mental illness.  How right she was. 

In the hospital I was a total nutcase.  I had crazy thoughts and ideas, and very little of what I said or thought made sense.   I hate to admit it, but I was obssessed with my sophmore science teacher for some strange reason.  I kept bringing her up when asked about what happened. I had weird thoughts of attraction towards her.  She wasn’t even attractive.  I could blame it on the illness, but still, I’m super embarressed to admit it.   Thankfully I did eventually get over this obsession. 
The first doctor I had didn’t help the situation.  The medication she had me take had horrible side effects like swelling and rashes.  We didn’t seem to get along well.  Eventually we got a new doctor, and he has been a godsend. I am so very grateful for this doctor, and I pray God repay him a thousandfold for all the good he has done me and my family.  At first I thought he was a friend from high school who put on a disguise (I thought everone was from my high school and was in disguises.)  Eventually we built a rappore, to the point I met with him periodically once I was dehospitalized.   He was a fun and goofy guy, but had a sincere and altruisitc personality.  I always enjoyed talking to him (with a small excpetion where I was angry with him in my insanity) and we had good conversations over the years.   He was there for some of the worst times of my life and he was the right man for the job.  Thank you for being such a great doctor, for going above and beyond.  Above all, thank you for being such an understanding and compassionate friend.  May you find the true God.  

I hated the hopstial because I couldnt go anywhere.  I felt trapt (but looking back, it was honeslty the best thing for me in a plythra of ways).  During these three months in prison (as it felt to me), little made sense.  I had crazy thoughts and ideas (like I was adam the first man or I was going to grow angel wings).   Dreams seemed to be mixed with reality. The dreams were so lucid and vivid.  Often the dreams involved fearful things like spiders or demons.  Part of me knew they couldn’t be real, but they felt so real.  One dream (or nightmare)  had me ascending a tower of demons.  It was terrifying.  But it felt like I was really there.  

There are still things I went through in the hopstial that I am unsure of being real or a dream.   Once I hid under my bed and everyone was looking for me.  But did this really happen, or was it a dream?  I do not know.  There were other similar experiieces.  I had totally lost it.  

Another sympom I had (which made my doctor speculate if I had schitzo-effective disorder) was voices.  I felt like there were these voices in my head.  I couldn’t quite make them out, but it was distant.  And they always seeemed to say negative stuff when I did hear them (like I was a loser or ahole or stuff of that nature).  Along with this was paronoia.  I was terrified that someone was always talking about me.  Maybe I was a narccasist, but I thought every conversation was centered around me and that it was always negative.  My struggle with paranoauia was a long one.  I trusted few people, and even those I knew and loved my whole life gave me uneasy thoughts.  

Thankfully, my parents came and saw me almost every night.  My mom would ussually bring me pizza to cheer me up.  They would sit there and talk while I tried to explain what my insane brain was thinking.  And two of my brohters in college would spent every weekend the had to fly up and spend the night with me.  Thank you so much.  You guys don’t know how much that meant and means to me.  All that free time (not to mention the cost) and they chose to spend it suffering with me.  I remember many nights I thought government or military guys with guns were going to break in and attack.  They had to calm me down and reassure me.   

People don’t always think about the loved ones who are affected by a mental illness.  Brothers, sisters, parents. children, and spouses have to go through the valley as well.  And the more they love you, the harder it is for them and the more the suffer.  I think, as bad as I had it, my family suffered worse than I did.  They went through hell.  I think they loved me more than I did, and cared more about me more, too.  They had no idea if I would recover.  They didn’t even know precisly what I had.  Everything was new to them too.  They must have felt helpless and ripped to the heart.      And they didn’t know if or how I could recover.  But they had faith in Almighty God.  And what a mighty God that is, who has all power to heal.   But it would not come immediately or without pain.

In what felt like a lifetime, after three months they let me out.  I was drugged up and unstable, but I was in better shape than when I started.  I still heard voices and thought crazy thoughts at times, but I was mostly stable, somewhat uncrazy, and remarkablley (after all I had been through) somewhat passable as a sane person.   I was extremely weird and distant, but if I didn’t say much you might not have been able to tell how much I was suffering.  I still struggled immensly with most all aspects of my illness.  My paranoia was as strong as ever: the voices haunted me, I had anxiety, self doubt, heavy depression at times, lingering suicidal thoughts, and my mind felt like it had been snaped in half and was still recovering.  It felt like my mind wasn’t fully there, like I couldn’t use much of it.  I do not know how I functioned at this time, but somehow, God gave me the strength and will to go on.  Even through all this, I was gald to be home, and I was gald to be with those who loved me and who I loved the most.  The breakdown had demolished me, but the recovery was on the horizon, even if it was distant.

When I returned to school, I don’t think anyone noticed I was gone.  No one really asked me any questions (from what I remember).   I dont think anyone even cared I was gone.  The main thing I rememeber is how everything regressed for me as an indivual.  I no longer had confidence in myself, I was nervous and shy again, I thought I was a loser and had little to say or input.  I hated talking in front of large crowds again.  I was nervous around girls again.  I went back to having a crush on my old crush (that I had gotten over).  I was always second guessing myself and felt isolated and alone.  I had friends and eventually talked, but I never got back to where I was.  I fell back into the shell it had taken me so long to break out of.   At least I still did well academically.  

After the hopsital, I was even more akward and more of  a loser.  Id have a table to sit at for lunch with a group of kids, but I dont know if I said much here.  Someitmes id venture out and sit with others, but still say little.  Alot of times, i’d just sit alone with no room at the table.   Even after 5 years in the same school district, I had few actual friends who really had my back.  I suppose my breakdown had a lot to do with that.   I was a lot more shy, awkward, and extremely strange.  My mind snapped, and I was a weirdo.  I suppose I wouldn;t have wanted to be my friend either.  The conditions in lunch weren’t that bad, as I was used to not saying much or anything at lunch, being so shy.  Sitting alone was kinda tough, as it seemed like a big area, but that wasn’t the worst part.  The worst part was that the kids I consdered my friends, even close friends (for me anyway) seemed to either forget about me or ignore me.   After all the times we bonded over the years, I felt invisible to these guys.  It stung.  I suppose I knew I wasn’t the same, and they had other friedns.   To be fair, many were still very very good to me.  But things were often different between me and others.  They could tell I wasn’t the same, in some way, and didn’t know how to react.  I dont blame them, it was just hard.  I didn’t know how to act.  I suppose neither did they.  It didn’t help that I was just coming out of my shell the same semester I snapped.  And it wasn’t that they weren’t bad to me, they just weren’t the same to me.  I suppose we all grow in our own way and go our own paths.  I still remember those kids fondly.   

While either sitting at the table saying nothing or alone on a table and listening in on a conversation (it was the same as if I was sittign there saying nothing), I heard a story that breaks my heart, even to this day.  It was random, and about a girl that I had always admired.  She was beautiful, even if I wasn’t interested in her as a girlfriend, I still liked her a person.   Even though I didn’t know her well or talk to her much, I could tell the kind of person she was.  She seemed to be a stand up girl with high morals.  She was really nice, had a friendly persoanlity, and just seemed like an all around great girl.  On top of that, she had the most beautfiful blue eyes.  I can still picture them to this day, even though I barely saw this girl (im a sucker for blue eyed girls).   Those were the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen to this day.   But I had my eyes on other girls, even if I thought highly of said person (still remember her name, first and last).  And she was one of the last people I would expect to hear the following story about.

It was told like high schoolers do, in a short, disguisting way.  I suppose it was disguisting, so it makes sence.  Long story short, this gem of a girl (so I thought) had committed fornication with her boyfriend (I even remember his name, that was shocking as well, I thought he was a stand up guy, but I guess this is the new america).  I dont know if she cliamed to be a Christian, but it still hit me pretty hard.  I remember just thinking, if she cant be pure and save herself for marriage, who can?  Every girl is the same.  Even the ones that are supposed to have decency have none.  They are as bad as the men or worse.  And then they balme us for being sick.   Even though I didn’t want to pursue this girl, I was genuinly heartbroke.  No one could obey the simple command to “obstian from fornication, for this is the will of God.”  Could God be anymore clear?  How could you call yourlelf a Christian and live like that?   It still makes me depressed, just thiking about it.  Maybe it was just a dude talking or spreading rumours. and I wish that was it.  But he couldn;t have cared less when he told the story, and the way he put it was too realistic to be an effort to smear someone.  It taught me that no matter how nice or great a girl seems, they probably have little to no morals, even the good ones.  

I dont mean to single her out, as im sure most of the girls and guys didn’t keep themselves clean.  The only reason I rememebred that is because I rememebed those beautiful blue eyes when talking to anohter cute girl about her eyes over a decade later.   We live in a sexual society, where sex is the centerpiece of life.   Men are taught they are men when they have sex, and women are taught they can have as much as they want with no repurcussions.  Yet it destroys people, in so many ways.  Sexual immortality is the definition of pernisiouness.  I could write a book just on how all forms of sexual immoralty destroys indivuduals and society.  Instead, Ill share a simple story to illistrate.  

One of my drugie friends, my best friend actually, who always had my back and was always good to me, told me a story once.  He was friends with another heavy druggie who was even heavier than himself.  Quick note, while I lived in a conversative area, almost everyone had at least tried some form of recreational drug at some point.  I was shocked when I heard some of the names.  There may have been some that kept themselves clean, but there so many I learned to assume just about everyone had at least tried something.  I learned that if your gonna have friends in this world, your gonna have to tolerate evil, as man is evil.   Anyway, long story short, this heavier druggie, was a bit of a ladys man, in my understanding.  He had had so much sex, he was starting to turn gay, as my friend put it.   But it shows the basic principe that if you practice something, it will affect you, for better or worse.  You reap what you sow.  The more you practice sports, or muisc, or school, or anything, the better you become.  If you practice honesty, you will be more honest.   But if you practice sexual sin, you will become more obsessed with sexual things.  And your sexualism will only get worse and worse, until you are doing things you never thought possible.  If you don’t nip it in the bud, it will only grow into a horror.  I think I only kept myslef clean because I was a loser and couldn’t get a girlfriend.  I hate to say it, but I was so lustful, I probably would have been just as guilty as so many of my classmates.  Even with my knowledge and understanding, im sure I would not have gotten physical and, I hate to say it, proably had committed fornication with a girl.  Im not a good person, as much I want to be.

After the breakdown, I still had intelligence and did well in acedemics.  However, much like my regeressed state of confidence, I was not nearly as sharp.  School was still easy, but I struggled somewhat more than ussual.  It was made easier due to summer school, which was a joke on how easy it was, and it was my senior year, which again is a bit of a joke, albeit a more serious one.  One specific class I had was a debate class.  I think the only reason I picked it was because I had to choose an english elective, and all others seemed more miserable and undesireable to me.  As much as I hated being in front of a crowd, and as little experience as I had at debate, I entered the fray.  And I hated every second of debate worse than I imagened.  I thought maybe it wouldn’t be bad, as I was good at reseach and was highly opinionated.  But the nerves were back in full force, and every ounce of confidence I had attained up to that point left faster than it takes the vikings to blow a 4th quarter lead (couldn’t help myslef.  As a fan, they caused me so much pain).   I dont rememebr most debates, I think I blotted them out.  So I dont remember if I even had good material.  The one debate that echoes in my brain was an embaressment to this great land.  I even rememebr the topic, but am too ashamed to admit it on account of the man  I failed.  Forgive me.  My opponent wasn’t even there, so a random student debated me on the spot.  I kid you not, I was nervous and jittery and didn;t even speak one cohersive sentence.  I think I was supposed to have a partner, and I just lost it with nerves.  I dont think any of my other debates were as bad as this one.  But I laid an egg that I can still smell the stench of to this day.   They felt so bad for me, the class voted I won.  I wish I was joking about all of this but im not. Somehow, I think I won every debate in the class.  I think out of pity.  I honestly dont know if I wanna find out if I can debate now…lets just debate with the pen.  It is mightier than the sword, after all.  And much more civil than verbal words of rage.

I needed summer school for the first time. I decided to take summer school rather than graduate a year later with kids I didn;t know at all.  It was suprisingly easy, even at my weakened mindset.  My guidance councellor did a fantastic job helping me out and making it possibel for me to graudate on time.  Kudos to you.  So I put in the effort and graduated on time, class of 2010.  I remember on graduation night, everyone was so happy, but I was depressed.  If you look at the photos of me with my family, you can see the depression.  There might be one, maybe two were im even smiling.  The rest im looks like im drugged up and depressed.  A classmate even commented, asking why I wasn;t happy and telling me this is a joyous occasion: I was graduating high school.  The other thing I rememebre is a classmate of mine was recognized as beating cancer.  Everyone clapped, and I felt terrible because I had been a terrible friend to him.   I had no idea he even had cancer.  

After school was over, I remember being depressed.  I would most likley never see the majority of these people ever again.  I was definiatly an oxymoron: a people person who was an introvert.  I loved being around these people, even if I said next to nothing.  And I knew deep down I would not be in hardly any of their lives going foreward.  Most would probably forget me, and I would likely forget many of them.  I was glad I was moving foreward with my life, but I would miss the socail aspect and the comradery of those I ahd grown up with.  Maybe this is why I didn’t have a  happy disposition while graduating:  I felt in a way I had been cheated of my teenage years.  I’d often think back to what could have been in the following years.  I did eventually move on, but I still missed a lot of those classmates from time to time.  

I felt like I had a chance to meet and say goodbye to many friends at my grad party.  I had such high hopes for my graduation party, inviting everyone I kinda knew.  Thankfully, few people came, so I didn’t embarras myself that much.   My family was there, as they always had been, and I suppose that’s what mattered.  They were the ones that really loved me and would always be there for me.  I had a group of friends come that I played volleyball with, and I was glad they did.  But I lost it during the party when I thought people were talking about me inside.  My paranoia got the best of me, and I yelled something out in anger, making me look like the insane person I was.  It was one of the few times in lost it in public or when people were around.   That would indeed be one of the last times I saw my high school friends.  Right as I was moving I went to a grad party of a girl I considered a friend in a endearingly fantastic junior class.  I stopped by quickly and kept it brief, not wanting to embarress myself.  I told her it was nice knowing her, hoped she had a good life, and even said id never expect to see her again in this life.  I had just come to accept the fact that most people I had known would never keep in touch, never spend anymore time with, and although a bitter thought, was the truth.  I havnt seen any of them in about a decade and only saw a few friends once after that summer.  But I thikn ive learned that this is life: you make friends, and leave them.  It is innevitable.  That’s why im so grateful there is an afterlife that lasts forever.  We are such deep creatures with so much potential, so much to give.   There is so much to discover, so much fun to be had, so much time to be wasted with the people we love.  But only if we make it there.  Until then, we have a lifetime to soldier though faithfully.  In the mortal land of pain and loss, I was on my way to the state I hated most.  

Chapter IV

permitte divis cetera

leave all else to the gods

“…You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.” — Isaiah 38:16-17 

My dad then got a pastoral job in Wisconsin, so we moved out there.  This was the first time I was glad to move.  I wanted to leave all the embarassemnt, and bad memories behind.  I had a chance to start over.  I didn’t feel like I was getting much better, but in reality I truly was.  I started keeping a journal here, and boy, did that help.  I wrote whatever came to mind.  Sometimes it didn;t make sense, but I could just get my mind off my illness and just enter my own little litterary world.  It was a tremendous help, just puttting my thoughts on paper.  I wrote whatever came to mind, even swearing if I felt that.  But along with my journal, something even more important happened to me:  I began finding the Christ in a deeper way through all my suffering.

In the hospital, my mom told me I was angry with God.  I was so numbed up I could hardly think, so I accepted this.  I think I knew this was true deep down I just couldn’t think coherently enough to realize this myslef.  I did, after all, rip apart my Bible page by page while being hopsitalized, so there must have been some anger there.  But even though I was angry with God for my breakdown, I knew no where else to turn.  I was depserate, and I had been taught to go to Jesus when I was in trouble.  That is excatly were I turned.  And it wasn’t necessarily the most purist or holy or righteous turn.  I would be angry at God and ask Him: why?  Why did this happen to me?  But I would just cry out and beg for Him to save me from my mental illness.  I knew something was wrong with me and that Jesus could heal me of it. 

One constant confort during these tough times who had with me since 3rd grade was our family dog: maximus (or max dog as we endearingly called him).  He had been a loyal and quirky cocker spaniel who loved his family.  We would leave him outside if we went anywhere and he would just sit on the porch and wait for us to return home.  He was always eager to greet us and hated being without his family.  Once, my brother took him with us to the lake.  He wouldn’t go in for anyreason.  However, my brother pretended to drown and cried for help.  Seeing one of his owners in peril, max the hero dog jumped in to rescue him.  Once he realized he was tricked, he wouldn;t come in at all anymore.  But the fact he would jump in at his own risk to save one of us shows the kind of dog he was.  Over the years our bond grew and when I went through the valley, he was a great blessing.  I could talk to him about nonsence and he wouldnt get angry at me.  He didn’t judge me for being strange or not making sence.  There is no love quite like a dog’s love, and boy I needed that love.  Oftentimes in high school, I take him on hour or two hour walks to clear my mind.  He taught me to love walks.  And he was always there for me.  In his latter years, he was blind, deaf, and had lots of pain from arthritis, but he kept going because he loved his family so much.  I wept at his funeral.  He helped me through some very tough times, and I am grateful God sent him to us.  RIP Max Dog.

After graduating high school, my mom thought I should take a year off and relax.  I disagreed and with the help of my mom and family, applied a the closest junior college, which happened to be only a half an hour away.  Here I struggled immensly, but also grew immensly.  I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to go to college.  Maybe I bought into the lie that college gets you a high paying job, which in turn makes you happy.  Nevertheless, here I was, nervous, shy, and with a broken brain.  I worked so hard to keep up, and many times I didn’t think I’d keep up.  It was all so overwhelming at first.  I struggled with a lot of doubts and anxieties about school.  

Starting out at college (for the first year and a half), I wouldn’t eat in the cafeteria.  There were to many people, and I was terrified of the thought (this is a junior college so the cafiteria was tiny but to me it was huge). I ussually ate my packed lunched in the library pretending I was studying.  I wanted to be left alone, with no one to question me or mock me for my lunch.  I desperatly wanted a friend to eat with, but I knew no one, and most days I felt so isolated.  I wouldn;t hardly talk to anyone unless I was with my family.  It took me time to find friends to talk to.  

During this time I realized my reading comprehension had suffered.  Textbooks were ussually boring for me and I got little information from them (even from before my injury).  This was exhasterbated by the snapping of my mind.  So I learned to skim through them and focus on the info I needed if I had a test or paper.    But reading novels and such was where I truly struggled after the breakdown.  It was so bad I tried reading Holes (a book i’d read before and understood) and I had no idea what happened after reading the book.  This is a elementary school chapter book.  And I couldn’t comprehend it.  It took years before I could finally read leisurely (or textbooks for that matter) again.  Thank the Good Lord I got better.  

I grew a lot spiritually during this time.  My older brother lead the youth group at my dad’s new church and I learned a bunch.  Under his and my dad’s guidance, I learn many basic principles and truths.  I had a simple understanding, but I feel like I took it to another level.  And my prayers become stronger and deeper.  I actually had something deep to pray about: healing.  I prayed earnestly all the time and learned to seek after Jesus.  I had always tried to read my Bible daily.  My mom encouraged us and many times told an older brother “even just one verse a day” and I took that to heart.  I always tried to read it and ussually did.  But every now and then I had my doubts.  Doubts about God.  And my salvation, and uncertainty about me being a Chrstiiatn.  How could I prove (to myself) I was saved?  What evidence did have?  What excatly did I repent of?  I would struggle with these until I came to my next valley.  

Until then, I started a slow recovery.  I gradually regained confidnece.  I found friends from college and was part of a small group.  I still said stuff that didn’;t make sense and sounded just outright dumb at times, but I got by.  And I took my faith more seriously.  I tried to talk more about the faith and witness.  I found many church people to be the people farthest away from God and quite frankly, some of them were the most scummiest people I met in college.  But I wished them to find the reality of Christ, as I myself had many things to learn and repent of.  

There was a along, hard recovery from my breakdown.  I had so many doubts and my mind was so hazy.  It was like it was trapped in a cage wihtout being able to use its potential.  I had many reoccuring sympotms ranging from types of paranoia to intense suicidal thoughts.  I spent a lot of time alone, but I also spent a lot of time with my family, who were always there for me.  I wouldn’t have made it far without them just being there for me and looking past my insanity.  They were such a source of stength in a time of weakness and a source of sanity when I had none.  I could talk to them about the issues bothering me and they would give me their undivided attention, even if I was annoying or illogical.  Not just that, but I could talk to them just to have a good conversiation, and it would get my mind off of me and allivaite the heaviness.  I can say without a doubt, if I didn;t have such a great, supporting, and longsuffering family, I would not have made it this far.  Sometimes, when I wanted to kill myself, I would think about my brothers or mom and think of the pain they would endure if they had lost me.  That was ussually enough to keep me going.  I knew others cared about me more than I cared about me.   

Alot of times, I didn;t want to go on.  But I went on anyways.  Maybe I wasn’t always suicidal, but I didn’t always want to live.  I do not know what I was fighting for, or why I was going on.  I think It was because I had hope in God.  Deep down, I hoped God could heal me.  Deep down, I knew God would heal me.  I knew the sciptures, that He could heal anyone from anything and that He always kept His promises.  I knew that he could make me better and then some.  And I knew it wouldn’t happen instantaniously and I had to keep badgering him until I had victory.  Until then, I just had to keep going forward and take the pain, the cloudiness, and the doubts.   I didn’t always have the most faith, but it seemed I always had just enough to make it to the next sleep without hurting myself.  And I still held on to my strongest desire: a wife, and many chidren; a family to call my own.  This would be years and years down the road, but I believed it could happen.  And I knew it would be a long, difficult journey.  But along the way, I always had sleep to rescue me and help me get by.  

During these rough recovery years, I slept a munimum of 12 hours a night and oftentime took multiple long naps in a single day.  This went on for many many years.  It was immensly helpful, in part becauase I didn;t have to be alive.  It was an escape from life.  By being asleep I had no issues or problems or mental illness.  I could leave it all behind.  This was a great confort to me.  I depended on my deep sleeps to recover and relax.  I think I found few things, if anything, as rewarding and gratifying as sleep.  It was the one time I could say I was truly, deeply happy.  There were days I didn’t want to do anything but sleep.  Honestly, there probably were some days I spent almost entireley in bed apart from eating and going to the bathroom.   It wasn’t until a decade later, I learned to get by with just 8 hours.  An amazing feat I didn’t think was possible.  How far i’ve come indeed.  

  Along with sleep, music was a crucial piece of ailment for my troubled soul.  Music was a type of therapy where I could feel the pain glide off.  It was soothing and alliavating.  Whether it was folk or punk, classic rock or classical, or things like  acoustic, indie, alternative, and even gospel, it eased the pain.  Whatever it was, when I played it and got the right tune, it just felt so right.  It got my mind off myslef and took me to another stratashpere.  Alot of times, I played dark, depressing songs that matched my mood.  It felt incredibly satisfaying, like I was touching the soul.  And I would repeat a song days until I lost the connecting feeling.  I’m sure it drove my family crazy (probably still does).   Even back in the hopsital days, I listened to music in my room to forget my pain.  However, that specific music I avoided for a while due to the ties to the horrors in the hopital.

One sepecific recurring trouble I had was the voices.   Whether I actually hear voices or I hear audible things and my minds changes them to sound like voices I do not know.   I just know they got the best of me many times.  And combining that with my paranoia is a horrific combination for me.  At one point I thought I was on some sort of show and people were watching and listening to every move I made.  I was so sure of this multiple times and built animosity towards these people.  I couldn’t believe people would be so hearltess to mess with someone by prying into their personal lives and mind like that.  Obviously, this is impossible, but man, it seemed so real to my mind.   I wanted to kill myself over the haunting these vioces left.  In one specific vivid instance I rememeber trying to exercise and they just wouldn’t leave.  I tried being tough and talking back but I just couldn’t take it.  I needed someone to talk to so I went upstairs and told my mom about it.  I rememeber she gave me a hug and I just balled for a good three, four minutes.   It’s like I had fought it for so long all that frustration and pain manifested themselves into deep, heavy sobbing.

I adapted to college and eventually thrived (in my opinion, anyways).  I got mostly as and bs, with a few cs and maybe a d or 2.  But I grew so much with the challenge of college.  My writing, researching skills, and just overall work ethic improved drastiacally.  Even in my impaired state, I forged ahead.  And I didn;t make excuses.  I just fought hard and put in the time and effort to succeeed. And there were many times I didn;t think i’d pass, but I put in the time, focused, and got by.  I would put other things aside, from video games, to sports, to any other sort of enertainment for school.  I made it a priortiy.  And it helped I lived at home, with a great mom and brothers to help me out.   Honestly, I think the schooling was dumbed down so everyone could succeed.  For me, it started as a challenge that stressed me out, but became a breeze once I figured it out and received healing.  

After I graduated from junior college with an associates, I decided to take a semester off.  I serached everywhere for a job, but with little to no experience, no place wanted me.  It is tough to get an entry level job without experience.  Its a catch 22.  You need experiecnce to get an entry level job.  How does that work?  I guess you gotta know people.  I finally got a job a lumberyard hardware store because I had experience working construciton for my dad and his partner. I really struggled with this job.  Basic things were difficult for me, and there were times I didn;t think I would make it. I was scared of my boss and had to learn to deal with people, working in retail.  Not to mention I knew next to nothing about construction.  It was a great learning experiece for me though, and was a good beginner job.  I powered through, and managed to get by.  When I transferred to a 4 year school, I couldn’t work and commute to school at the same time, so I quit.  I do not think anyone realized I was gone.   

I’ll be the first to admit it:  I was a terrible driver.  Really really bad.  I mean worse than women drivers for a little bit.  There was an instance after high school where I was going over 60 on the highway and didn’t stop for a red light.  No accident.   God had mercy on me that day.  Thank you God Almighty.  Another time, it was winter and I was driving with my brother.  I got caught in the ice and overcorrected.  We must have done a few flips before landing right way up on four wheels.  I had nothing wrong with me, while my brother only had a broken hand (which healled fully).  Thank you again, Jesus.   Thankfully, the commute to school was a straight shot to my new Univeristy, and I developed as a driver.  I would even say i’m a halfway decent driver now.  

But the new university was overwhelmeing.  It took a lot of time to adjust.  But eventually, I adjusted and adapted.  At first I went for business.  But I was terrible at accounting and didn’t feel it was for me.  So I transferred to journalism.  At this time I didn’t realize journalists were as corrupt as politicians and have little to no intergrety or honesty.  But I liked writing and thought i’d give it a shot.  Things were going ok.  I gained some new friends.  I did decent academically.  I grew as a writer, individual, and gained confidence.  All this while my mind was healing. 

I just felt so isolated most of the time, though.  I rememeber I eventually had enough confidnece to sit down to eat with random people who were eating alone.  I would try to start a conversation, hoping to gain a friend.  Only once did it go well.  But I was so shocked someone opened up that nothing came of it.  Otherwise, they’d want to be left alone.  Eventually I realized they were eating alone for a reason.  I thought they were lonley like me and wanted to find a friend, but that wasn’t the case.  So instead of trying to find a reandom person to eat with, I just found a quite spot alone and ate by myself, much like my early junior college days.  I did make some aquaintences, but being a commuter, I never made close friends.    

I kept on chugging along, but everntually I couldn’t take how liberal the school was.   Anti-Christ agendas were pushed everywhere:  There were gay pride flags everywhere, pro feminists signs   everywhere, pushing women in everyfield, diveristy, and all sorts of debotchery.  Although there were some good teachers I liked, I couldn’t take it all anymore.  I decided to drop out after the final straw of forcing me go to a gay pride rally.  This was against everything I believed.   I hated homosexuality and wanted no part supporting that at all.  These people were sick and twisted and needed help, not false encouragment to continue in their sin.  

I took some time off and worked with my dad’s company for a while.  I enjoyed working with my younger brother and my dad and the co-owner family friend.   I just always felt useless and imcompitent.  My younger bnrohter was a way better worker than me.  I didn’t do much other than small or easy tasks.   I just felt like a waste.  I did gradually get better, but I still felt like I was missing something up there.  It was as if my mind was locked and couldn’t learn the trade and there was nothing I could do to unlock it.  It was fun working with people I loved though, and I did do some work, just not enough to be considered even an apprentice.  

Eventually, due to not receiving enough contant work, my mom suggested I get a different job.  So I did.  I struggled a little, but the pains I was going through were less severe there for some reason.  And I got to meet new people, which was a pleasure.  I met quite a few cool people I still remember and grew a lot from this job.  I started a struggling worker trying to learn the ropes and devloped into a comnfident, efficeint (when I wanted to be) and quality one.  I even got employee of the month, which I didn’t want.  In fact, when I got the award, I asked what I received, and they said a picture on the wall and a certificate.  Maybe I got a little more, like $5 gift card, but I dont think I did.  Not even a front row parking spot.  I was upset and never wanted the award anyway.  I felt like they just ran out of people to give the award to.  I didn’t hardly smile for the picture and was not happy at all.  I definatey wasn’t workng hard for some stupid award or recongition from random bosses.  I told my mom about this and she said I should apologize and be thankful.   I think I apololigized, somewhat, and tried to be grateful.  They had recognized my hard work with a sheet of paper and my face on the wall, reminding me I was making minimum wage and busting my butt for little actual incentive.  Seriously, though, I tried to look on the positives.   At least they thought I was a good worker.  That counts for something, right?   

At this retail job I had, I met a girl around my age.  I just wanted to be friends, but that was saying a lot for me.   Possibly because I was going through a lot, or possible because I just didn’t like her romantically, I didn’t wanna date.  Even though we were not officially dating, we hung out quite a bit for a few month span, just the two of us  She was very pretty, and had many qualities I liked.  She was a sweet, kind, and lowly girl (albeit stubburn in some areas).  When we hung out we ussually just went on walks and talked.  We had some good chats.  It was refreshing to finally have a friend, anybody, who wasn’t family to spend some time with.  I had a few friends in college and saw them a few times, but they came and went and it had been qute a few years since community college by this time.  This girl was very quite and delicate, but she had some internal strength to her.  And she had a great sence of humour and was fun to converse with.  She was perfect for the time.  As we were just “friends” I dont think we even hugged once.  Me, being the dork I was, ussually just gave her a hand hug someone had taught me along the way.  That was our thing.   It was fun, and I really enjoyed our time, for a time anyway.

As fast as it came, our friendship ended abruptly.  When we started talking about spirtual and religious matters, we had our disagreements.  I think she was a conservative (now that I think about it, maybe she wasn’t, I dunno) and went to church (pretty sure her dad was a pastor), but her beliefs did not mesh with mine.  Over and over I tried to explain why evolution was a lie, why homosexuality was evil, and so forth and so on.  At first, I thought she would listen to reason.  But she was as stubburn as she was kind, and I realized some people cannot be reasoned with.  After a while, I got feed up and quite hanging out with her.   I just quite answering her phone calls.  I realized this wasn’t the best way to handle things, but at the time, I just couldn’t take her weird belifs, especially because she called herself a Christain.  I did see her at work and just told her straight up, but gently, I was tired of her weird beliefs and that’s why I hadn’t been answering her calls or wanting to hang out.  It was awkard, and felt like a break-up, even if werent dating.   After everything had settled, I wished the best for he and hope she comes to her senses.

While i’m on the subject, there was another coworker I hung out with a couple of times.  I really didn’t met too many people anymore without school.  My old friends from school had gone in different directions and I just had my brothers.  But I learned that, although there are many weird people out there, there are still many cool individuals amongst the working class that is so despised by the elite.  I met at this girl at work, and she was always put on a brave, happy face, but deep down she was struggling.  I dont remember how, but we got to talking about the pains and struggle of life, and I shared with her my depression.  She said she had a lot of issues, but you would never be able to tell by talking to her.   She never did tell me what they were, cited they were terrible and she couldn’t let anyone know.  I always felt bad and wished there was something I could do to help.  If she’s reading this, I hope my story lightens the burden a bit (as for all who read).  She was a sweet girl, and although she was a high schooler, she was very mature for her age.  But I had quite a few good talks with her.  She seemed to geniuinley be trying to follow God and do what was right.  I was always proud of her for standing firm on her principles depsite seemigly everyone in the world propigating lies to our youth.  I tried to encourage her and give her advice when I could (dunno if it was any good, but hey, at the very least I tried).   We even hung out a couple of times and had just some good talks.   

I rememeber being guilty of even just eating out with a high school girl, even if we just talked and I never intended anything other than friendship.  She even told me she didn’t tell her dad where or  who she was hanging out with (we just got ice cream a couple of times).   I thought it wasn’t a good look, even if I meant no harm or did no harm, so I let our friendship die.  She invited me to her grad party, and I had something going on so I couldn’t make it.   She was a sweet kid.  I still rememeber when she started at work she would say “hi” every time I walked by  (I think she did this to everyone).  At first I was confused, then I thought it was funny.  I think she was just really shy and trying to be friendly.  Dunno.  Hope the best for her and hope that all is going well.  And I hope if she never conquered her demons, she will one day.  I prayed for her every now and then.  She was a trooper, and I always admired that.   If you’re reading this, hang in there, it’ll get better (if it hasn’t already).  In the immortal words of the killers from the song “all these things that ive done” (slightly modified): If you can’t hold on, if you can’t hold on, hoooooooold, on.  

Another girl I met prior at the same job was a senior in high school.   She was really fun, outgoing and I got along great with her, even in my state of mind.  We bonded over the course of my time at the job, and she even shared some heavier things with me about her personal life.  I dont remember if I shared first or she did, but she told me she struggled with mental issues.  We kind of both talked a little about what we each had been throuh, althouh we ussually tried to talk about everything else but that.  No one wants to talk forever about their issues, not even yours truly.  And she had more issues with her parents on top of that, basically being raised by her grandmother.   My heart went out to the poor kid, yet I was proud she was forging ahead.  Yet she always had a smile and such an optimistic attitude.  I would have never imagined all her struggles by talking to her unless she had went out of the way to open up.   She was obsessed with converse chuck taylors for some reason, and I had a converse chuck taylor shoe that zipped up to store pens and such for school.  I couldnt find another another one anywhere online, and she liked them so much, I gave it to her as a gift.  She must have liked  me (as a friend- as did I) at one point, because 1) she invited me to her high school graduation multiple times saying she really wanted me there 2) she gave me her phone number 3)when I left the store, she and a couple of others went out of their way to invite me and take me out for pizza.  I remember having a great time, and felt such acceptance and friendship.   But after that, she went her seperate way.  I never got a proper invitation to her grad party (or maybe I did, cant remember, but I didn’t make it if I did), she rarely responded to texts on facebook, I tried to call her to see how she was doing and she never answered.  The one time I got an answer was her roomate saying she was tired and would call me back.      I just wanted to see how my firend was doing, especailly one that had suffered like me with metal illness.  I do remember touching on religion when at work, and, I can be very obstinant on my beliefs, so maybe she just didn’t agree but couldn’t say that to my face.  Whatever it was, she went her seperate way and I never heard from her again.  Hope shes doing alright.  Im sure she is, she was a great kid.  Just remember me with that chuck taylor shoe, alright, kiddo.   I certianly havn’t forgot that moxy, friendliness, and desire to soldier on with a smile.

Over the course of 4 different jobs, I graduallly learned to be a compitenet, good, hard worker.  I learned so much by basic, simple retail jobs.  I gained in confidence and by the grace of God, turned into a quality worker.   I was clusseless to start and I really struggled with my first jobs, but did enough to get by.   And I ussually didn’t want to go to work, but I perservered.  I even learned to wake up early and get by on less sleep.  At first, I looked down on the people working these jobs and thought I wouldn’t be there long.  This is what I was taught from school.  Schools teach that this kind of work is beneath you and you should have a fancy job.  Contrarywise, I discovered that these people are the backbone of society.  They make things run and are much more pivital to the success of a country than trash celebraties or althetes.  Those guys can easily be replaced.  There will always be someone to fill their void.  But the everyday worker, the common man, they make things tick.  And they decide the fate of a nation.  I am gratefull to meet some amazing individuals that have more subsatance to them than those fake celebraties (and a lot of times professors).  I pray they find the living God.  As far as my work ethic goes, I learned to work hard. But the main reason I worked was not because I wanted to please my parents, or even because I needed the money.  The main reason I worked was to obey God’s commandedment.  If one doesn’t work neither shall he eat.  And whatever you do do with all your heart, as unto the Lord.  So I forged ahead and kept a job, fighting my laziness.  And I wanted to do a great job, not to impress anyone, or to receive a promotion, but to please God.   Although I was tying to follow God, I was not altogether blamless in my ways.  I was fighting God in another area of my life through a deep, dark debotchery…

Nearer My God To Thee

Sarah Flower Adams

1 Nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 
E’en though it be a cross that raiseth me, 
still all my song shall be, 
nearer, my God, to thee; 
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

2 Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down, 
darkness be over me, my rest a stone; 
yet in my dreams I’d be 
nearer, my God, to thee; 
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

3 There let the way appear, steps unto heaven; 
all that thou sendest me, in mercy given; 
angels to beckon me 
nearer, my God, to thee; 
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

4 Then, with my waking thoughts bright with thy praise, 
out of my stony griefs Bethel I’ll raise; 
so by my woes to be 
nearer, my God, to thee; 
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee! 

5 Or if, on joyful wing cleaving the sky, 
sun, moon, and stars forgot, upward I fly, 
still all my song shall be, 
nearer, my God, to thee; 
nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

Chapter V

Acta Deos humquam mortalia fallunt

Mortal actions never decieve the Gods

18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.  Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body [a]and in your spirit, which are God’s.   1 Corinthians 6:18-20

Now we come to the point in the story where I unviel my other valley.  This was worse that the first and kinda spreads all over the place.  It deals with lust.  Let me first say I am not gay.  Thank God.  And I do not want to be a girl or crossdress.  Thank You Jesus.  I just had issues.  And I really did like those girls.  I really was attracted to them.  I do not know where it started, but I had a lot of issues with lust.  The earliest I remember was elementary age thinking about wearing a dress of our upstairs neighbor.  Man I was a sick freak.  Thankfully, I resisted the urge and never did.   After that, I moved on and didn’t think abiout anything like that till I hit puberty.   That is when I began getting hard ons for crossdressing or gender bending.  Yet I never desired to wear womans clothes again until years and years of masterbaiting to this porn.  I was a hypersexual.  Sometimes I masturbated over 20 times in one day.  I would also look at porn of women, but it was so much easier with gender bending (like men and women swapping bodies).   It was awful stuff that I knew deep down was wrong, but I didn;t want to leave the pleasure.  

But before I first maturbated, weird lusts came over me in a differnet way.  I rememebr in middle school, on the way a job in minnesota with me dad, this weird obesesion came over me.  I don;t know why or how, and I hate myself for this and other things, but it was a strong sexual lust for my dad.   It was so strong and overwhelming.  It was prevailant and wouldn;t go away.  I knew it was wicked and hated it.  I told no one about this until I wrote it here.  I just prayed hard that it would go away.  It stayed for a while, but it eventually left.  I also lusted like this for some of my brothers and mom in simiar fashion.  Man I am such an evil, wicked, pile of trash.  I often had to fight back these obessesive inclinations, and sometimes they persisted for long periods of time. Thankfully, nothing came of any of this.  From time to time, I also lusted after some of my own brothers like this, and even my own mother!  What a sick sick freak I was! How could I sexaully lust after my own family?  I had no right to call my self any sort of decent man, let alone a Christian.   Yet I needed God to help me, so I cried out to Him.  I remember I was so obessed with women and lustful that I would pray hard not to be attracted to my little sister as she grew up.  Thank God I never did, but the fact I worried I may be attracted to her and had to pray I wouldnt exempifies the sick freak I was.  

I was just so lustful.  I was obsessed with this lust.  I jerked off so much from 9th grade on.  It was an addictive drug.  And because I was often depressed, much like music, it helped me go on.  It consumed me and was the focal point of my life.  I did so much evil lasciviousness over the years it almost destoyed me.  It kept getting worse to, starting with comic transgendered gender bending, and going on to crossdresssers or transexuals.  And I felt paranoid about being called gay.  Even in high school, I remember saying stuff like “i’m not gay” in radnom situations and poeople would look comnfusingly at me.  

At first, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with this sin of masturbation.  I tried denying that it was wrong and though It was a simple human action.  I even read the Bible and, being the niave and idiotic youth I was, couldn’t find them talking about it anywhere there.  So it must be okay.  But deep down I knew it was bad.  And I tried stoping multiple times.  Sometimes i’d just try to stop looking at the porn.  But I always went back to it.  I was addicted.  And yes, when I was in the hopsital I spent a good deal of time in this sin.  That’s where I heard the term hypersexual.  And what an  oxymoron that is, to be a virgin hypersexual. 
I knew fornication was a sin, so that is something I stayed clear of.   I had been deeply rooted in this.  The Bible clearly says “absatin from fornication, for this is the will of God.”  I heard my mom say she didn’t like some of my older brothers getting physical with their girlfirends.  Because of this, I tried to keep clean around women.    But my sin was in a way, way worse.  And it definatly kept getting worse, as I practiced this devious sin more and more.  And I definatly had temptations of touching women improperly.  But I held back.  Rememeber how I had a obesseive lust over my dad and others?  I had something like this many many times over with girls from time to time.  But thankfully I only did anything once, and that was when I was when I was in the hopstial.  I still feel awful about it, and it happneed so quick I don;t rememeber feeling anything.  I grabbed a worker by the breast in the hosptial.  Forgive me.  I was not in my right mind.  Other than that,  I never did anything remotley close to that.   But the inward sin was still strongly present.  

Here is a great truth:  you reap what you sow.  And if you sow sin, you will reap punishment.  And the worse you sin, the deeper down the rabbit hole you get.  Rapist are not born rapists.  They fall into lust and get worse until they start becoming predators.  They just have a stronger inclination otwards lusts.  Does this make rapists okay?  OF course not!  Homosexualuty is just another form of lusts that people get because they fall so far into lusts.  Yet somehow we appalud the abomination.  It actaully hurts the indivudal in so many ways.  We should be doing the right thing and trying to help people not become homosexuals.   Homosexuality causes pain and hardships that no one wants to talk about.  It is hell.  But overcoming it is bliss.   People think homosexuals are born that way.  That is a misconceptions.  They may have inclinations, this is true.  But if they do not fight those inclinations it will get worse and worse until they become homosexuals.  People have other inclinations that are conditoned to stop, why should lust be different?  Rape is still viewed at in an appaling manner by society.  Do you call someone a rapists from birth?  You don’t har people say “they were just born that way, with extreme lust” and excuse it.  All forms of lust are bad.  And they will only continue to get worse unless they stop.  Eventually they will become pediphiles or practice bestaility.  Sin only leads to more sin.  And if you are for homosexuality you might as well support pediphila, because that is what’s next.   

And I thank God that it never got that bad.  But, as much as I t pains me to admit, I did get some homosexual thoughts and emoitions.   There were times I jerked off to the thought of having sex as a women, along with the disgusting pornograhy I was looking at and imaging in my head.  The first time I rememebr having homosexual thoughts when not jerking off was watching a movie.   I had seen this movie countless times before and never thought anything about the main character.  Yet thoughts like ‘he is hot’ came into my mind.  And I even felt sexually attracted to him.  I fought this hard, but it spread.  I often had thoughts like he’s hot or had lustful emotions towards men.  Thankfully this didn;t happen until after college.  But it was still awful.  And it took a long time and many prayers to overcome.   Also, because all the gender bending pornography, I had a weird deisre to be a woman.  Not just dress as one, but I wanted to be a women (In my lust).  It was weird because one part of me hated all this and wanted to be masculine and a man.  But my sexual lustful side wanted to be a woman.  I had dreams of being a woman or wearing womens clothes.  And I even prayed I would turn into a woman.  What a disguisting thought.  Thankfully, this gradually went away, and I never wore any women’s clothes.  

Here is an exerpt from my journal, when I finally had the courage to write down my sin on 7/3/16.  I finally admitted to my deep dark sin on paper.  I really had come to hate my sin and myslef at this point.  I was in a dark deep pit with no one to talk to about it but God.  

Warning Kinda Disgusting

“Battling against an addiction is hard.  Beating a bad habit is hard.  What the F#@* is wrong with me?  I have this lust…  This desire to jerk off over and over and over again.  If I could I would do it all day.  It’s addicting.  It’s pleasureful.  It is a dark passion.  But that’s not the worst part.  THe worst part is that I’m attracted to body swaps of males and females.  And that led to me getting a boner over transexuals.  What the hell is wrong with me?  How did I fall this far?  I was attracted to men magically turning into women.  I watched porn like this for the better part of 10 years.  What the hell… I still am attrated to women (very much so).  It’s just I have this lust to be a women… What the hell is worng with me?  It’s like this lustful pleasure.  Where if I think i’m a girl, I get this erotic pleasure.  I’ve jerked off to me being a women (in my mind).  It gives me a boner.  I have never crossdressed.  And I never will (as long as there is fight within me).  I just do not want to be a girl.  Just the pleasure of the thoughts consumes me.  If I were not a christian, I would find a sexy girl and have sex with her.  Seriously.  I am very horny.  I want to do women.  I am not attracted to men, thankfully.  It’s only been a year where I have this lust before that I just jerked off to porn with men and women swapping places.  It’s weird, I was made erotic and stimulated just by men doing women things and women doing man things.  I remember I saw  picture like that in a history book and got an eretion . I balme in part, this to liberals.  They want men to be womne and owmen to be men.  IT messes your mind, man.  But it’s really just my own fault.  I’m so messed up,  I want to jerk off all day every day.  If I would have had a girfriend in high school, I probably would have had sex.  That would have been a million times better than my sorry state I am in now.  Still to this day the thing holding me back from finding a women and having sex with her is the command “thou shall not commite adultury” (orfornication).  I am so ver horny.  Sometimes, that’s all I can think of.  Its just im a little twisted.  But I think I am attracted to twitsted things. Ive been arosed sexually by sexy middle aged cougars.  Dont ask me why, But on pictures, it is very sexy. I am also attracted to tall women with short men.  Stuff like that.  Ive gotten erections form women who have deep vioces or even just swapping two sexy girls vioces.  In short, I am just full of lust to be fairm I have had my fair share of straihght porn whre I get an erection from a sexy women.  For some reason, thugh when I looked at porn the most stimulatin thinng I keep goin gback ti was men mafgically turning into womne (which led to hust falt out looking at transexuals or crossdressers).  “

I couldn’t admit I was turning homosexual and starting to be attracted to men.  Most people would have encouraged me in that, but I knew it was wrong and did not want to be any kind of homsexual, transexual, or even a crossdresser.   This is why didn;t want to talk about my lust to anyone, because society pushed homosexualism, they encouraged it.  I felt like everyone wanted people to become homosexuals who were not, like they were rooting for them to become something that would never had wanted if society was nuetral even.  I feel like because this is accpeted and encouraged, more people become homosexuals and transexuals who otherwise would not.  It is so sick and demented.  Why are you pushing this to our youth?  They have enough issues already.   They dont need to feed some lie that compounds their problems.  I feel like so many times a kid might be struggling with so much, from feeling like a loser, to feeling left out, to just misunderstood and we almost immediately wanna misdiagnose it.  We assume its probably because they are a homosexual or transexual and that is why they are feeling down.  First of all, most kids have so many other issues that this isn’t the problem at all.  Second, for the kids who do have small or big lusts that are perverted like this, its the other way around.  They feel awful and terribel because they have these thoughts, because they know they are wrong, unnatural and dont want them.  They may bring short twisted emtotional pleasures for a time, but just because something feels good at the time, doesn’t mean it is healthy or good for you.   

Most people want whats right, they dont want to embrace these evil thoughts.  Its just sometimes they have mental illnesses, or somethings wrong with the brain that makes them this way.  I hate to admit it, but ive had these aweful feelings, these aweful thoughts, but only for a short season.  They tormented me, and I had to fight them off alone because I knew society would tell me that I was a homosexual that I was a transexual.  But I know they were wrong, because I had so much pain that physically manifested itself for a season.  And when I got better, when these thoughts and feelings went away, I had such peace and such happiness.  Gay is the opposite of happy, I know.  The pain dissapeared, the physical manifestation of pain went away.  I was always attracted to women through it all, but I had other weird lust that consumed me.  I was a hypersexual, who masterbated ever day, sometimes dozens of times in one day.  And the porn I looked at was mostly gender bending, mostly transexual.  It almost destroyed me. 

And I always felt such guilt, such shame over everything.  I sexually lusted after my own father!! I sexaully lusted after my own mother!! I sexualy lusted after some of my own brothers!!  I sexually lusted after men dressed as women and men who became women.  It got to the point I sexually lusted after being a women myself.  I hated myself for all of that.  I felt such deep loathing and abhorance.  And I couldnt talk to a soul about it because I was too ashamed to talk to my family and if I told a stragner I was afraid they would tell me, of course your a homosexual, of course your a transexual, embrace yours feelings and emtions, its good for you.  I knew they were wrong, and I just manned up and took it up with God.  I prayed and begged Him to take it all away, to heal the pain.  It was so hard being alone, with no one to console, with no one to tell me, your not a homosexual, your not a transexual.  Not one to coach me and tell me to fight those thoughts and emotions.  No one to tell me, ive been there but ive gotten better, you dont have to be like that.  But it felt so real, and it was so hard to hang on, it was so hard to tell myself I was a straigtt man.  What I was telling myself went against my emtions, my feelings, and the lust felt good in a sick twisted way.  I questioned myself so many times, but I always said I wasn’t.  I knew it was wrong, even witout the Bible.  The bible just strenghtened it and made it more conrete for me.  I knew if God’s commandments were to not be a homosexual, I didn’t have to be.  He didn’t give a command that was impossible for anyone to keep.  I could get better.    

And when He did, I felt so much better in everyway.  I never wanted to go back.  I never wanted to masterabte again, even though I had to at time (being a hypersexual aint fun).  I got to the point I didn’t want to even look at girls sexually, let alone anything perverse.   I wanted to be completely pure.  I didn’t want to go down the path of sexual immorality.  I knew the pain it brought, and I wanted no part in that.  I still wanted a girlfriend, I still wanted a wife. And I still wanted sex after marrage.  But I wanted to do it God’s way, I wanted to do it right.   I was terrifiyed I might go back down that path, slip back to the point they entered in again.  I always put my guard up.  I prayed God forgive me if I had the slightest homosexual thought or feeling, begging Him to take it away for good.  God is a God of miracles.  And any sin He commands you not to do He will help you overcome, if you come to Him.  It wont always be easy, and the worse the sin, and the deeper you go, the more painful it is to get out.  But when you get out, when you beat it, there is nothing like it.  Nothing better than overcoming the sin that destroys you, that torments you.  That’s why I never want to let God down in anyway, because He did the immpossibel for me.  I never once crossdressed, when countless times I felt an overwhelming urge to do so.  I admit, I just masterbated instead.  But that’s not as bad.  A man wearing womans clothes is an abomination to God.  Masturbation is just a sin althought it leads to all kinds of evil sexual immortality.  Its a gateway sex sin, so to speak.   Im sure every rapist, sex offender, and womanizer started out masterbating.   Otherwise they could hold it in.  Otherwise they could control their emotions.  

The only thing that lingered from time to time was the guilt of all the sexul sin.  I may not have had the thoughts, emotions, or feelings anymore, but it took me a long while to forgive myself.  Even now, every now and then I have to ask God for forgivenss for my sins of yesteryear.  Ive been scarred.  I remember the pain from it all too well.  I remember the hatred of self from the feelings for people I shouldnt.  I think about how evil I was and wonder what was wrong with me?  Why did I feel that way?  Was it my fault?  It must have been.  After all, I watched that porn.  Over and over and over again.  I did this to myself, I was responsible for these pains, these sins against God.  I was so evil in my eyes, I had so much contept for my soul.  It took me so long to forgive myself.  It took me so long to realize God had forgiven me, that God could forgive me.  And I had to remember that God could save to the uttermost, that no sin was to evil, to action to vile, that God could not forgive.  Even years later, theres a certain shame I feel, a guilt that I lusted like that.  How can any girl love me?  How can any girl forgive me for that and look past it?  Can I really find a lover that wont be upset or that can trust me?  That they can truly call me their man?  Please God, help me to find a specail girl that can look past my past.  Who can understand that that wasn’t me.  That understands it was just a season, that its gone now.

With a few minor exceptions (sexually lusting after my dad and brohters, and the one time I wanted to wear a dress in elementart schhol the only times) I never had homosexual thoughts or feelings at all until part way through college.  I never had them in high school, even after watching gender bending pornography.  I lusted after it with my junk, but in my heart and mind I not only abhored it, but it was never present unless I was jerking off.  Otherwise, my mind was straight as an arrow.  I never was attracted to men, I never had lusts to be a girl.  I only had obessesion with lusting over all the cute girls in school, which was a problem in itself.  I was obessesed with women.  I loved their beauty, and wanted a girlfriend so bad.  I felt so extremely nervous around the pretty ones.  But I was also so very happy around them.  And eventually, when I learned to talk to them, I dont know much else that made me happier than just sitting there and talking to a beautiful girl.  It made my problems go away, it distracted me from me.  It made everything better, just their presence.  I loved women, and desperately waned one to call me own.  And I was a weird child, who tried to be loyal to the crush I had in 8th grade ot the point Id try not to talk to any other girl.   I was such a loser,i though the heart pounding, the happiness I had just sitting next to her meant I was in love.  I prayed hard she would get saved becaseu I wanted to marry her.  In my childish mind I thought I would just marry her one day, like it was innevitable because I liked her so much.  I was such a child.  I was so niave.  I hardly said a word.  I heard her talk, I knew she was a good girl, a smart girl, a kind girl, and had a good personality.  But I was obsessed with her.  She was on my mind, more than maybe anything else.  I remember hoping to run into her at the most strange places outside of school, just so I could say hi and finally talk to her.  I was a messed up kid.  I had issues.And I was such a shy kid I never told a soul about her.  I kept so much inside always.  Why sould I tell anyone something so personal, that made my heart beat that was so hard to express to her.  I was at that stage I didn;t want anyone to know who I liked.  Maybe I didn’t wanna be teased.  I think I just didn’t talk about a lot of my problems, I kept them bootled up inside.  I didn’t talk about my dreams much either.  I dont think I told a soul my biggest dream was to get marreid and have a big family until after high school, maybe during college, maybe even later, honestly.  It was too embaressing.  To unmacho.  No one wants to hear this stuff.  This is the stuff they tease you about.  Whose dream is that?  A losers, that who.  But those issues were nothing compared to the ones that came later, that still give me shame and guily.  That was embaressing.  The lust after men was evil.  

And the paranoia and voices mad it so much worse.  I swear all I heard people talking about me was that I was gay, and I ripped me up to shreds.  Even before I had any gay thoughts, I was always so terrified that people might think that of me.  I wasn’t like that, I didn’t want that reputation, I was not attracted to any man.  And when I thought I heard everyone saying that, even though they weren’t I was ripped apart in the heart.  I felt like I was being betrayed by everyone.  I couldnt talk about it, or it would only make things worse.  What you go up to someone and say, why are you calling me a homosexual?  In this day and age, they’d probabyl sit you down and tell you you are.  I didn;t want to have to fight myslef and everyone else.  I just wanted to be free of the guilt from the porn.  What I did when I just couldnt take it anymore is say out loud “im not gay.”  As soon as id say it, I knew it would only make thing worse.  That people who never thought that would began to.  But I had to say something, to defend my honor, to prove that I wasn’t gay.  Maybe I was just proving it to myself, to reassure, but the paranoia never went away.  The voices seemed to only confirm this, to ask me why I would never confess, to almost condemn me for trying to just hang on.   I wanted to kill myslef for this, and they were telling me that it was okay?  Why did I want to kill myself?  Becasue I knew it was not okay.  If it wasnt that bad, I wouldnt have felt so bad.  I have a consious.  I have a soul.  I have a heart a that feels bad when I do bad.  And just the thought that I might be doing wrong like that was unbearable.  But all of society was trying to make it worse, to get me to admit something that I wasn’t.  I dont know how I held on.  I just wanted so badly to do right before God.  And I wanted so badly to have a girlfriend, to have a wife and kids one day.  I couldnt give up on that dream.  I couldnt give up on that happiness. I had tasted the attraction for girls, and I didn’t want to give it up.  

Thankfully, the attraction to men didn’t last long and went away.   Everything got so bad that at one point, I was terrified of myself and wanted to death for myslef.  I hit a new low.  As if it wasn’t bad enough I started being attracted to men and wanted to be a girl, and I will be lied and slander falsely about this, but it got worse.  I never touched anyone or anything sexually at all in my life, with the one exception in the hopsital when I grabbed a womens chest.  And I never looked at youth lustfully ever.  But I could feel it starting to take root in my at one point, the beginings that died as quickly as they came.  I have never had thoughts or looked at kids sexually in person or in any photo, but I could feel the lusts was about to come if I didn’t stop this.  I knew I had to stop when I wanted to be a girl, when I started having homosexual thoughts.  Thats when I really started to make all the effort I could to stop.  But for a small while, and never before and never after (thank god this went away quickly) I swear I was beggening to have feelings for youth.  I fought it with everything I had.  I avoided them at all costs.  I didn’t look in their direction, as I was terrified of what I might think.  It was there, in the back of my mind, and I fought with everyhting I had to make it leave.  I prayed harder than I ever did for anything to go away, and God heard me.   That part left so quick, and never really materialized even in my mind, thank God.  I hate myself that it ever got to that point.   I hate that I have to admit this.  Dont get the wrong idea, I would never and never could touch a child innapropriatly.   And the emotions are never there, the thoughts are the farthest thing from my mind when I see kids now.  I just had my moment of hell, and believe me, I would kill myslef before I touched a child innapropraitly (id promise id kill myslef before crossdressing or doing a homosexual act like kissing a boy)   But even bringing this up, brings me such hatred of self.  When you mock me, and rip me up for all my sins and shortcomings, you can call me a lot of things.  Yes, I sexually lusted after my mom, and dad and some brohters.  Yes, at one point I had homosexual thoughts.  Yes, at one point I lusted after transexuals, and lusted after being a woman.  But never say I lusted after children, ever.  That is slander and misconstuction of my words.  A flat out lie.  I fought it with everything I had and it never came to nothing in my mind.  This is why we must stop homosexualty and transexaulity.  It only gets worse, and only leads to pedophilla if it is not stopped within people.  

Yet  the other lusts lasted years.  I may have went to far in saying certain things about having sex with women if I wasn’t a Chrsitan.  In a way, I was trying to prove that I wasn’t completey sexually perverse by saying I was still attracted to women.   I was just trying to hang on and prove I could still be redeemed by liking women, which is what I wanted.  And I knew committing fornication would  have been bad.  I guess I was trying to say it would have been a lesser sin than what I was struggling with.  

I probably watched this worse porn of trannesxuals and crossdressers before a year ago of this excerpt, but it was all so painful to even admit in writing, I was trying to lessen the blow to myself.  And  I really was still attracted to females; I just had all sorts of other lusts that consumed me.   It got so bad that I eventually prayed that I would have all my lust taken away.  I even wanted my lust toward women to go away.  I wanted to be pure sexually, to not have my mind consumed with all those evil thoughts.  I hated my thoughts, my emotions, and honestly wanted death.  I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I knew that at least somewhat,  I was responsible for this.  So I cried out to God day and night until I gradually got better.  But it was such a long, painful road to recovery.  

Not as disgusting part (same entry continued): 

“Now I have this urge wher i want to be a girl.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I don;t understand it.  It is not something I want in any aspect except lust.  It fufills the dark lustful passion.  But other than the stimulating lustful part, It creeps me out, it irks me.  Thats why I hate myself so much and why I may have to take my life.  I would rather die thatn even crossdress.  So if it comes to that, to the point wehre I have to either die weras womens’s clothes, yeah,i’d rather die.  That Is why this is so hard on me.  A man becoming a women goes agiasnt all of nature.  IT si evil, anti-himan, immorla, abominatabel, and sick.  IT si a abomination to GOD just for a man to wear owmne’s clotes.  All jhomoosexuals are in Hell.  Threfore, all transexuals are in Hell.  That is another reason ia m fighting;  I want to follow Jesus.  That’s why I want ot be free of my lust.  If youa re a kid strugling with homosexuality or wanting to the opposite sex, turn to God .  Never give in to your lust.  It is not you.  You are not gay, you are not a man stuck in a women’s body (or the versa).  You are just mentally sick.  But with God, “all things are possible.”  But it will be Hell getting over your lust.  I guess you either go thru hell on earth and overcome your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and lusts, or you end up in Hell, where “the fire never quencehsa and the worm never dies.”  This is my prayer: “Save me from all my lusts, Lord Jesus, have mercy on me.  Forgive me for thes abomninations in my heart, mind, and being.  Please, kill me beofre I crossdress.  Dont let me get atht nbad.  Forgive me for my anger of you, not  healing me yet.  I know you have the power, but you know better than me.  Please have mery on my evil.  How long do I have to suffer and traverse through hell?  Please helpp ,me, Jesus.”  SO much lust in my jheart.  And its my faul. I jest watcn porn over and over again.  I keep sinning.  I keep watahcong men beome womena dn women become men.  IT messed with my mind.  IT sconsumed and consumes me.  I need hep. Please help, somedbody.  I don’t want to be a girl.  I like being a man.  I like just anbout everything about being a man.  Sports, botherhood, being atracted to ewomen, ebing rational, having a beard, ebing smelly, farting, being independent, not wearing make-up, not having ot at myslef for appearance, I love bneing a man.  That’s why I dont inderstand wyh I have this urge to be awoemn.  I would be practiaclly speaking, an awful women.  I would be loud, smelly, alzy, aaweful at women stuff, and not a very good girl.  And I would be attracted to ewomen.  So I would be a lesbina? WTF? What is wrong with me  Why do I hav ethese urges?  I honestly hate many things about womne on things they like.  I hate shoopping, gossip, and eaying healthy.  Things like saldads.  I want to be a man, mentally physically, emotionally, sexaully, (and spiritually).  I do not underastand why I have this weird lust ofbeing a girl.  It makes no sense to me, at all. What is wromg with me?  It never got this bad until last year.  One smmer the uges came. Where I wanted this passion to be a women .  WTH.  I dont inderstan it .  But it was there.  It came and went but got so bad I now have to kill myslef.  How should I do it?   I’ll figure somethin out…  To:  the voices:  I dont’t know if your demons or people.  I honestly can’t tell the dffercne.  Thanks for not caring about me or talking to me.  Isntead, you’ve driven me to the brink.  IF I could find out who you are, i’d have you jailed for life.  Please, come out and let me talk to you.  I think I deserve tha much.  Unless you really are demons.”

Despite all these warnings, I still masterbated dozens of times daily.  I hid it from my family, athough I am sure they had their suspensions (or even knew somewhat).  I rememeber I was going to confess before my mom but she didn’t want to hear about it.  I don’t balme her.  Who would want to hear their sons sexual problems.  I just had noweher to go, no one to trust.  I eventaully (kinda)  confessed unwillingly before a brother.  He then made me unwillingly again confess before some memebers fo the church.  All I said was that I had watched some gay porn.  And I wept before them all.  But that confessions did next to nothing for me.  I still continued on my lascivious ways.   At the very least, however, their were lines I would not cross.  I would never kiss a man, touch a man innaporpratily in any way, or crossdress.  And I would never even look at a child or have any thoughts like that.  Thank God.  I may have some had terrible internal lusts, but it never manifested itself toward anyone with actions.  Yet I still hated this wretched sin, and although no one knew everything about my internal struggles with it, I certainly let them know I vehemently abhored it.  

One sad sad story ill share is that, although it never effected my emotions towards anyone in high school, it made things really awkward in other ways.  I remember the guilt and shame for porn, even back them was getting to me.  And I never had gay thoughts for any of my friends or anyone at all.  I was still very much attracted to girls, honest.  Yet the effects were building up, worsening all the time with all the time spent watching porn over the years.  In high school, the guilt combined with the voices and led to paranioa.  They had already assuemed a guy was gay who had no signs at all, so the paranoia got the best of me.  I was worried people thought I was gay.  It was horrific to think that.  So I remember saying at radnom times when the paranoia kicked, in “im not gay” out loud.  I think I understood it just made them think the opposite, and I felt bad.  My buddies sometimes would be confused and say of course I wasn’t or something like that.  But the paranoia was so strong I had to say something or I would break.  The voices seemed to attack me on this too.  Even though I had no gay thoughts, I was looking at gender bender porn, and the guilt was there, even if I tried to supress it.   It wasn’t always said, but id say that enough to the point I realized I may have put that in their minds when it was never there.  It took me a little time to get over this.  Even if I thought people thought the worst of me, I had to man up, and not say a word.  Inside Id be breaking, thinking that they thought I was a homosexual from my paranoia.  It would rip me up to shreds and destroy the little self esteem I had.  But I would learn to hold my tongue, and eventually I wouldnt have that paranoia or think others thought so little of me in that regard.   

Depsite all this interal struggle and sin, I hated all forms of homosexuality with a passion.  It lead to me hating myslef with a passion.  When I got over them,  I was able to forgive myself and move on.  But I also ripped and tore into these perverse sexual sins in conversation.  I let people know I hated this with a passion, and would rant how it was such a great evil.  While all this is true, and I may have been right (like the pahrasees were right; God said “I desire mercy and not sacrifice”) in everything I said, I was being quite a hypocrite by wathcing all that gay porn and railing agianst it.  Maybe I was trying to prove I wasn’t a homosexual, trying to hang on to what I had.  And trust me, all homosexuals with go to hell unless they repent.  But I think God’s tuaght me mercy, even for the sick freaks that cant control themselves.  They need help too.  I just hate their arrogance and unwillingness to change.  Beleive me, If homosexuals were humble and wanted to get better, I think most people would have mercy and kindness towards them.  I still think all forms of homosexuality should be illegal, but we must have mercy and help these poor kids.  Ive even heard most homosexuals become one beacause they were raped.  Others like myself, just have slight urges due to some mental issue.  But if left unrestained, it only gets worse and more consuming, until, like a drug, withdrawl form it is painful.  From experience, it is such a terrible burdan, and overcoming it can be hell.  If you are reading this and struggle with it, you do not have to be sexually perverse in any way.  You can overcome it.  It wont be easy at all, but when you beat it, you will have such peace and joy that you will finally be able to live.

One incident I had same retail job almost got me fired (homos have more rigths than Christains!).  Maybe its because  I was struggling with so much (which might even make it far far worse) but I was going on a rant about sexual sins in america in the back of the store for emplyees only  I remember going off on how evil this homosexual movement is with my loud voice.  Someone complained and they nearly fired me.  I even called the HR and ripped into him about how sick the business are for promoting such evil and being anti-christian.  I felt good about it all at the time, but looking back I think It did next to nothing for anyone.  Hopefully people reading this book realize how crippling and destrcuctive all forms aof sexual lust are, espcially those that go against nature, and how they only lead to worse and worse sexuual sins.  That wasn’t the only time ive had my bible thumping moments.  These were due to a strong desire to speak the truth, but I think ive learned that most people dont react positively when you hammer hard truths to their face.  There can be times to call people out, even in anger, but as always, aplly wisdom.  And I think I was following my parents example.  Just listen to one of my dad’s sermons or hear my mom go off about feminism.  But I think law and grace is something that takes time to learn, as well as when to apply mercy.   

I will add that I’ve ceratinly had my fair share of trying to explain eggregious sins gently.  At the same retail job, it was just me and a coworker in part of the breakroom talking.  She told me she had a boyfriend, but was bisexual.  I tried in the most gentle way I could to try to explain to her that homosexualism is not a good thing.  I tried to show her that it will only destroy her and to not pursue this dark lusts for her sake.   I have no idea if she listened to anything I said.  I though she was cool  though, and even considered her a friend.  I was trying to tell her this because I cared about her and her soul.  I’d try off and on to explain things of Christianity to her if she had questions.  I ran into her years later when she was working another job, and I think I overheard her call me a “bible thumper.”  I couldn’t care less, but I was a little hurt when it seemed like she tried to aviod me.  I always liked her and even if we have vastly different views and intrests, I still considered her a friend.   I hope people dont see me as this religious freak who didn’t care about people.  Whilst God is the center of my life, you have no idea how much I care for my fellow creatures.  I mean no harm when I disagree, I only desire the truth (and ill admit, sometimes I am wrong.  But im trying the best to find the truth).  I often cry out to God asking Him to save as many people ive come across as possible, citing the fact I would feel miserable if most of those people I knew in life wound up in eternal hellfire. 

Let me say here for clarity, despite me interal lusts and urges, I was a outwardly sexually pure man.  I am still a virgin, and will be until marriage.  I have never (with one exception when I was in the hospital, full of lusts, frustration, and not in my right mind. and it happened so fast I dont rememeber what it felt like)  touched anyone innaproprialty.  I do not know what a womens breast feels like, or their butt.   Once I accidently grazed a girl with the back of my hand at work, obviously not meaning to, and apologized.  She said something along the lines of “i know it was incidental.  you’d never touch anyone innapropriatley, you are the last person id expect for anything like that. ”   Even growing up, I remember one of the hottest girls in 8th grade was in front of me and another kid.  He dared me to smack her butt, and I refused, not even giving it a second though (I have no idea why I rememeber either of those, but they stick out to me).   I tried to be a good pure person and to resepct womens bodies. 

Believe me the temptaion towards women is sometimes unbearbale.  But I know what is right and wrong before God in this regard, and respect women.   As pathetic as this sounds, and as embarressing as it is to admit, I have never even kissed anyone.  I can say ive hugged a few cute girls, but even then I made sure they were okay with it, even if I knew them well (ive since come to try to aviod hugs altogether with anyone if it can be helped, even goodbyes.  I try to keep them to only people I really love).   Now I certainly respect every women’s space and do not want them to feel uncomfertable.  I didn’t let the internal lusts control me and despite all these internal demons, I tried to stay sexually pure.  I even tried not to look at them lustfully (with varying levels of success over the years- I swear its like most of them want you to.  Why else would they dress like they do?).     And despite my views on women, no, because of my views on women, I treat them with kindness and respect.  I realized we are all part of the human race, each created in the image of God, so they deserve to be treated as such.  However, they are still women, and should know their place (not ruling over men).   If they are arrogant snobs who look down on men, and elevate women above the natural order, they deserve to be mocked, ridiculed, and put in their place.     Let me add if they are  humble, lowly  women with a sincerely selfless heart, they are respected and revered amongst men (not to mention we find them much more attractive).I strongly wanted all this internal lusts to go away, and prayed hard God keep me sexual pure.  I knew even the internal lust was wrong and God hated it.  My prayers would not go unanswered forever.  God had a plan to heal me, albiet not the way one might think.  

Lord, Im Coming Home

William J. Kirkpatrick

1 I’ve wandered far away from God, 
Now I’m coming home; 
The paths of sin too long I’ve trod, 
Lord, I’m coming home.

Coming home, coming home, 
Nevermore to roam, 
Open wide Thine arms of love, 
Lord, I’m coming home.

2 I’ve wasted many precious years, 
Now I’m coming home; 
I now repent with bitter tears, 
Lord, I’m coming home. [Refrain] 

3 I’ve tired of sin and straying, Lord, 
Now I’m coming home; 
I’ll trust Thy love, believe Thy word, 
Lord, I’m coming home. [Refrain] 

4 My soul is sick, my heart is sore, 
Now I’m coming home; 
My strength renew, my hope restore, 
Lord, I’m coming home. [Refrain]

Chapter VI

omne bonum a deo, omne malum ab homine

all good from god, all evil from man

As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten.  Therefore be zealous and repent. 

Revelations 3:19

God had not given up on me.  He did something to me that would point me on the right direction and bring me torment at the same time:  he judged me severly.  But He did it in mercy and out of love for me.  I suppose if this never happened, I would never have realized my sin or sought to repent.  It was after the going to the university, I was working with my brother for my dad’s construction company.   I rememeber it just hit me.  It was an awful and comnsuming pain of the emotions.  I felt like a drug addict that couldn’t get any drugs.  And it wouldn’t go away.  The only thing that could stop the pain was if i I jerked off.  BUt then it would come back shortly thereafter.   It never left and felt like hell.  I couldn’t escape it.  And I felt this strong impulse to wear women’s clothes.  Anytime I saw womens clothes it was aluring to my lusts.  Instead of crossdressing, I would just jerk off.    I was still very much attracted to females.  It was just more than just females.  It tore me up inside, and I started looking for a way out.  

This is were I really began to seek after God in a deep way.  I knew no other way out, and I was so ashamed of myslef I couldn’t tell anyone.   So I kept the pain inside.  I felt like a popcorn kernal  in limbo by being heated up in oil but unaable to explode.    But God did an amazing miracle with this torchure:  He awoke me to my sin.  Here I began seeking and pleading with God and feeling terrible about all this lust.  I feel such deep contrition that I had allowed myself to get this bad.  I remember countless times apologizing to God and just wailing with waterfalls coming down my cheeks.   Oftetimes I would leave during church service and go to the bathromm to weep.  And the scripture of God’s mercy also brought so many tears to my eyes.  I rememeber reading the parable of the prodigal son and for the first time feeling like that was me and just weeping over the mercy and the guilt.  I didn;t deserve Jesus.  But I desperatly needing Him.  And I understood the parable that had eluded my intellegence all my life:  a dog returns to his vomit.  That was me.  Over and over and over and over and over I sinned.  And I couldn;t stop.  If ever there was a Bible verse or prophesy about me, that was it.

Some may say I never was a Chrsitain to be this vile and decadant.  There were many times I agreed with them.  How could I have such vile thoughts and actions and call myselves a Chrsitain?  The good book does say:  unless you repent you will all likewise parish.  And when Christ forgave the adulterus women he said also, “go and sin no more”.   How could I call myself a follower of the One true God, who calleth everyman to repent, when I sinned numourous times daily?  What is the point of forgiving someone if they just keep repeating the same sin?  Is that even repentence?  But God had mercy in my weakness and my addiction.  After all, is that not the point of the Bible, to call sinful men to repent and become righteous though the help of Christ?  Because God hates sin, and no one can make it to heaven with a sinful nature.  Mankind needed a way out, and Christ delivered as no one else could.  He gave up everything He had to take on the wrath of God for man.  I struggled time and time again thinking abiout what a horrible person I was and how I didn;t deserve Chrsit or His mercy.  It took me a long tormentous journey befere I realized a great truth.  It was that I desperatily needed His mercy, and could not save myself.  No one deserves to call themeselves a Christain or can by their own merit or good works earn their way to heaven.  All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  And Chrsit came to call sinners to repentence and save them, not the self righteuos.  If anyone could have saved themselves, there would be no need for Chrsit to come and die for mankind.  But I think, as the scripture saith: the just shall live by faith.  And again:  Abraham believed God and it was acoounted to him for righteousness.   I may have fallen hard, but at my core, in my heart I loved Jesus.   That’s  the very reason why I hated the sin and wanted to overcome it.   The fact my conscious was alive shows I had something.  

Because I was raised in a Christain famiy, I knew many Bible verses and phrases.  I would often quote them in times of trouble.  But an inner voice would reply back another verse that proved I was in the wrong.  For example, when I read the verse “neitehr do I condemn thee”  I felt joy, but  I immediately knew the next line “go and sin no more”  and fell back into depression about it.  After all, I kept sinning and disobeying God.  I didn’t “sin no more. ”  I felt like I was a hypocrite.  Or I would rememeber the words “why do you call me LORd, Lord, and do not what I command you?”  And fall into despair that I continued to sin with my lusts.   I would recall the words “Ithe son of man cometh to seek and save” and feel hope.  But then I would immediately hear an inner voice say “Whoever is born of God does not commit sin”  and wonder if I even was a Chrsitain.    

I stuggled so much with that.  How could I call myself a Christain when I had done such evil deeds.  I deserved hellfire and damnation for what I did.  Homosexuality was one of the worst sins one could commit.  It goes against nature and even heathen hate the sin.  God destroyed an enitre city to show how wicked it was.  And here I was, thinkig and imagining evil homsexual thughts.  Gay thoughts and feelings for My own dad!!  What a pile of toxic waste I was.  I deserved hell forever.  And how could I escape it?  How could I get out?  I only knew one person I could trust with all this weight:  the Christ.  

It was hell, but Jesus was there with me every step of the way.  He never gave up on me, even when I thought about giving up.    He kept me from worse sins and taught me so much about the gospel  through it all.  But most of all, He forgave me.  He had mercy on me and helped me to slowly overcome this vile addiction.   His words are still as true and powerful today as when He walked the Earth 2000 years ago.  I spent so much time crying out for forgivness, mercy and healing.  I asked Him why He created me like this, and how to fix it.  I had so many doubts, but I kept praying and seeking.  I often wished I was dead.  And I grew animosity and hatred for myself.  What a sick freak I was.  It got so bad I could feel the unforgivness swell up inside of me.  I rememebr a sermon of my dad’s about forgiving yourslef.  I couldn’t bring myself to it, but I read a powerful scripture verse.  It said “who is he that is judged?  It is GOD who justisfies.   Who is he that is condemened?  It is Chrsti who died, yea, and sitting on the right hand of God, and maketh intersession for us.”  Those verses (along with the truths I had read and heard over the years) broke the bonds of self hatred and set me free.  I felt the unforgvness leave me.  It was power.  I memorized those verses and quoted them oft times to empower me.  God is the ultiamte jduge, and He alone decides who is righteuos and who is evil.  And Chrsit died on the cross for all of my abominations, taking my place as a sinful lusting pervert and taking on the wrath of God.  And He condemns no man.  He came to seek and save the wicked (like me).

I tried so hard to stop jerking off, but nothing worked.  I might go a day or two, but it was torchure.  It was horrible because I had jerked off so much in bed, I couldn;’t sleep unitl I jerked off.  My body got used to that as a tranquilizer.  Otherweise if I tried to fight it I would be up until 4 or 5 in the morning.  It didn;t matter if I was exhasuted or had been up since 5 am, I wouldn’t sleep until I masturbated.   And It felt awful if I didn’t.  There were a few things that helped, like having someone else in the same room while I slept.  I couldn;t do anything in front of them, so I was able to hold it back, at least until they fell asleep or left the room.  I would watch movies with my brother purposely just to fall alseep to in order to prevent myself from sinning.  But this didn;t always work.  Oftentimes I would still be awake after the movie.  But there was a miracle from heaven about to happen:  me, my brother, and my dad, and his contrusction partner were travelling down to Kentucky for a week  to fix a house.  We all had to sleep in the same room, so I was able to go a few days without jerking off.  Eventually, the lust got so bad I had to go to the restroom and sin.   But it was the start of victory over an abominatable sin.   

I started going a day or two without this lustful sin.  But I always returned to it.  And the addict withdrawl pain stayed.  So if I did go a day without sinning, I felt that awful withdrawl and pain.  And if I did sin, I eventually still felt that pain.  Certain times it seemed to lessen, like being in a retail store for some odd reason.   But it stayed.  It was certainly a battle, and I was losing.  But every small victory was huge.  Every night without sin was a huge accomplishment.  But every sin brought me to grief and depsair about the sin.  I felt horrible for doing this awful thing against the Almighty God.  At times, the grief and sorrow caused by the sin was worse than anything else.  I felt like I had kept sinning against God.  I felt like it was pure rebellion.  I knew it was wrong, but kept doing it anyways.  How could I call myself a Christain?  I came to the  realization that the just shall live by faith.   Through it all, God taught me so much, like why He loves us.  

I often wondered why Jesus wanted anything to do with me, and why He was willing to come to Earth just to suffer and die for me.  After spending much time with Jesus and praying for forgivenss and healling, I came to love Him.  I just enjoyed spending time with Him and talking to Him about my probelems.  Almighty God was willing to listen to me, a vile sinner.  Here I learned that there is no joy greater than knowing Chirst.  But it hit me.  I thought about my family, or even my dog.  Just walking with them and spending time with them was a joy, especially if they wanted to be around me (which they did).  Even if they or I didn’t say or do much, it was still a joy to be in their presence.  And I thought about my old dog, max dog.  He was blind and deaf, and had arthritis.  I never had a deep two way converstaion with him.  But I loved being around him.   And is not this the way the Creator, Jesus, feels about His creation?  He loves just being in the presence of His creation, specifically those that love Him and want to be with Him.  Maybe we are small dogs that are blind and deaf compared to His Almighty being.  But He must have joy in just walking with us, in spending time with us, and in being there for us.   

My dad once preached that the meaning of life is to seek after and walk with Jesus Chrsit.  I wholey believe this to be true.   There is such depth in knowing God Almighy.  Such joy and fulfilment that comes no where else.  And you will never be let down.  But it starts with honesty.  If you are not honest with God, you will never walk with Him.  God already knows everything, and He expects you to be honest.  How would you feel if you knew someone was flat out lying to you?    Then He expects you to repent of your wicked ways and turn to Him. (Isaiah 1:17

­learn to do good;Seek justice, do ) This is never easy, but Chrsit was born to help us in all our weaknesses.  If we can just turn to Him and allow Him to save us, He will do the heavy lifting.  He will forgive us if we only repent from with an hoest, contite heart.  And He will do so much more.  And in the process of suffering, we will learn so much about Him, and grow in ways we never imagined.   And God has every right to demand anything from man.  He is Almighty C and even beacame His creation just to die for their sins.  If Christ suffered for us, ought we not to suffer for Chrsit?  

Gradually, over time, I began to get better at abstaining from my sin.  I always seemed to fall back, but God gave me grace and enurance.  And slowly, I lost all those gay thoughts, emotions, feelings and desires.  By the time I worked at the hardware/lumber store again, I had next to zero gayness.  Thank God.  But it came with years of pleading and crying out.  I specifically rememeber praying daily that He would take away all these gay thougths, feeling desires, feeling and desires.  And that I would not have any desire to wear women’s clothes, look like a women, be a women, or even wonder what it was like to be a women.   But the lusts still persisted.  I still looked at porn every now and then.  And I still had trouble going conscutive days without sinning.  Desptire this, I gradually became less and less attracted to the types of porn I had gotten into.  I prayed I would be disgusted by this stuff, and yes, I despised the stuff.  Some of it even quit giving me erections.  Somehow, God was fixing my brain. 

Even though I blamed myself for being such a lustful  man, deep down, I knew it wasn;t completely my fault.  I guess I was trying to be strong and take responsablilty for my actions.  Yes, it was my fault I masturbated all those years.  And yes, It was my faiult I went down the broad road of sin.  And that I kept sinning time after time.  But why was I attracted to men crossdressing in the first place?  Why did I want to put on a dress pre elemenary school?  Why did I lust after my dad sexually when I hit puberty?  I felt guilty for all this, but I knew deep down otherwise.  When I was having victory and doing better, I kept randomly flipping to the verse “neither this man or his father sinned, but that the works fo God may be manifest in Him.”  I knew this was me.  But I still knew I had sinned and done wrong for the actions I took. And I still felt guilty.  But I believe God allowed me to go down this dark path in order to be a testimony for Him.  It would show the world that no one has to be a homosexual (or crossdresser or transexual), no matter how hard it is.  It is acutally detremental for the homosexual to live that lifestyle, and if we really cared we would try to help them out of their evil.  This is the humane thing to do for everyone.  Christ commands all men to repent and will forgive, save, and help anyone who comes to Him, no matter how vile or wicked the crime.  He can save to the uttermost, even the most vile homosexual.  

It gradually got better, but it was a slow recovery with many many relapses.  And sometimes the mental illness would come back in one way or another.  There were times I was anxious or nervous over basic occurances, to the extreme.  This was mostly tied to a paranoia.   Ussually it would be severe for a while, then dissapear for a season and start back up cyclically.  Ussually I didn;t care what they thought of me overall.  It was typically just guilt and shame about my sins that drove me crazy.  I hated myself for my sins and the thought of others finding out about it sent me down an nervous anxiety spiral.  I hated my sins to such an extreme that I had tremendous guilt and shame.   And I wanted no one to find out about my sins until I had completely overcome them.  But I was always nervous about people finding out.  And the thought of telling my loved ones my worst vice was emotionally devestating to me.  How could you tell the people you love the most that you sruggled with such a detestably abomination?  To say my heart was heavy at the thought was an understatment.  

There was immense hatred for the sins of homosexuality, crossdressing, and the like in my eyes.  I had been taught the truth and clung to it.  Although, thankfully, I never crossdressed and was never gay,  I struggled with these very same weakness in my mind in various forms.  And I hated myself for it.  It was such a heavy load.  I looked at men dressed as women time after time and was attracted to it.  I was appalled by myslef.  I was such a sick POS.  In some ways I wanted punishment to myslef.  I deserved it, afterall.  I had chose to look at porn and masterbate.  I had chose to do it even though I knew it was wrong.  I beat myself up over and over again.  It lead to a point where I hated myself to such a degree that I could feel pain.  Even when I started having victory over my hypersexualism, I still felt the shame, guilt, and hate toward myself.  I hated myself as much as I hated the sin.  The pain was almost overwhelming.

At this low point, I remembered a basic truth of gospel preached by my dad: I had to learn to forgive myself.   The verses that opened my eyes hit me deep within.  Roman 8:1:  There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, and 33Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God’s elect? It is God that justifieth.  I recalled the words I had memorzied before:

34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.  I realized that Christ died in my place.  I knew the truth, but I had to apply it to myslef.  I did not have to be perfect, God has power to save to the uttermost because Christ took our punishemnt on Himself.   I had put a heavy burden on myself that was not of God.  Christ doesn’t condemn or even judge us.  .  He just wants to save us, to heal us, and to help us get out of our sins.  He will even change us if we need to change.  He has the power to make drunkerds overcome their drinking or take away the perversion of sexaully twisted minds.  It might not be instantanious, but if you keep seeking and pressing after Chrsit, He will do it for you. 

When those verses hit me, it was like lightning.  THe pain was taken away and I realized although I had done great evil deserving of hellfire and damnation, I was forgiving completely.  There was no bitterness or anger even from Jesus.  He was on my side.  He wanted me to come to Him and let Him heal me.  He didnt want me to hate myself or judge myself.  And even though I sinned the same sin daily, He was willing to forgive each and evey time. As He said ‘if they brtoher sin against thee 7 times in one day and cometh to thee and says from his heart forgive me, forgive Him.”   I had sinned against him more than 7 itmes a day and for over a decade.  I felt terribel for this.  But I learned that Christ wanted to forgive.  That is why He took the wrath on the Cross, so He could forgive without limit.  Thank you Christ.  Let my life not be in vain.  

Over time, I slowly got better with my mental illness and lust.  But it lingered for many many years.  I dealt with many relapses for both.  From time to time I would hear voices, have anxieties, deal with paranoia, or even get real low emtionianally.  But that would come and go quickly.  The worse part was the lingering shame, guilt, and sorrow caused by my lust.  It would rip me to pieces time and time again.  I think there was more depression caused by that than anything else.  I felt so guilty.  And I knew it was my fault.  That I had committed those sins against God.  It brought me a long season of heaviness and weight that I could only talk to Jesus about.  I was to ashamed to tell anyone else, and I hated the thought of letting down those I loved most.  There were countless times I wished I was never born, or that I would at least cease to exist.  But I held on to the promises of God.  And I had a family that loved me more than I did.  The least  I could do for them was hold on.  And that’s the way it was many times:  Just hold on one more day, it feels like hell today, but tommorrow or the next day may be better.  Oftentimes in my bed at night the pains were so heavy, but I had hope, so I held on.  And I suffered from insomnia many nights where the only option out (without staying awake for another 4-5 hours) was to sin by masterbating.  There were a few times I managed to fight it for those hours, but most times I was tired, had work the next day, and just wanted to go to bed.  It was definatley a struggle that I didn’t know how to beat.  But that weight over my sin was a constant heaviness, a burden that I could barely stand.  It was deep and pulled me down so heavy, like I couldn’t hardly experience true, deep joy.  I could be distracted with small burst of happiness or laughter, but deep down, the weight was always there.  And I would try to put my burdens on Christ (for my yoke is easy and my burden is light), but it was still there.  It may be less heavy from time to time, but deep down the burden was crushing.  

I would think bible verses to reasure myself of the burden, but there was always a rebuttle in my mind.  For every “neither do I condemn you” was a “go and sin no more,”  and I felt horrible for continueing in my sin.  And for everytime I thought “the just shall live by faith,”  I heard a “faith without works is dead,”  as if my faith was dead faith.  And although Jesus said “neither do I condemn thee,”  His words “why do you call me Lord Lord, and not do what I command thee”  ripped my heart into millions of pieces of disgust.  How could I call myslef a Chrsitian, when I was attracted to men dressed as women?  What kinda of a Christian is that? 

Although I would forgave myself, it was cyclical, as I kept sinning.  But the weight from it all wouldn’t leave.  And I had so many questions.  How would I fix myslef?  How could I?  It must be Jesus.  He is the only one that can heal me.  But will He make it so I have no attraction to men dressed as women at all?  What if I quit watching porn and jerking off, but I still have that dormant in me?  Will I ever truly be healed?  How will I know I am not longer lustful of that stuff if I stop watching porn?  What if I continue to have issues sleeping at night because I don’t masterbate?  What girl will ever hear my story and be okay with it?  Who would want ot marry I guy with all the issues I have?  How do I expect to find a Christain girl that looks past all of this and hates it all?  There were so many questions.  So many doubts about the future.  Most of time, when I looked in the mirror, I though about what a POS I was.  How I didn’t deserve life and was a waste.  And I didn’t want to go on most of the time.  Yet there was still enough hope to go on.  And deep down, beneath all the doubt, confusion, and hatred of self, I still believed not just that God could, but that He would heal me complely one day.  

God’s Hands

Johnny Cash

Yesterday when I came home I was just about read to scream
My work’s been driving me crazy and the bills are burying me
The weight of the world was on me, I was sinking like a stone
But I have come to realize I can’t do it on my own

I’m going to put it into God’s hands, start living on God’s plans
Going to do the best I can, that’s all I can do
I’m going to put away my doubts, somehow it’ll all work out
And I can rest easy now that I’ve put it into God’s hands

My momma always told me you can’t live by bread alone
You got to have faith in the good Lord’s grace and keep on keeping on
Accept the things that you can’t change and change the things you can
And if you ever catch yourself worrying just put it into God’s hands

I’m going to put it into God’s hands, start living on God’s plans
Going to do the best I can, that’s all I can do
Going to put away my doubts, somehow it’ll all work out
And I can rest easy now that I’ve put it into God’s hands
I’m going to put it into God’s hands, start living on God’s plans
Going to do the best I can, that’s all I can do
I’m going to put away my doubts, somehow it’ll all work out
And I can rest easy now that I’ve put it into God’s hands
Going to put it into God’s hands, start living on God’s plans
Going to do the best I can, that’s all I can do
Going to put away my doubts, somehow it’ll all work out
And I can rest easy now that I’ve put it into God’s hands

Chapter VII

Vincit qui se vincit 

he conquers who conqeurs himself

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. “ Jeremiah 29:11 

As low as I was, I had enough strength to keep going, to not end things.  And I also held on to the words of comfort that gave me hope.  I had  Hope that I could get better because there was a forgiving, Almighty Creator that could heal.  And those words echoed in my mind “if any many will come after me, let him deny himself, take up his crffoss daily, and follow me.”  Those words were so encouraging because it was the way of Christ was supposed to be a hard, grueling journy.  It was not supposed to be without pain, suffering, or hardship.  And  His repeated saying“o ye of little faith,” gave me tremendous hope.  Maybe I had doubt time and time again, but Christ could calm the sea, feed ten thousound with little, and heal any disease without limit.  I just needed to believe and trust in Him.   I needed to keep pressing foreward, looking to the bishop and overseer of my soul.  It was all part of the plan.  I told myslef repeatedly to “trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not in thine own understanding.”  Things didn’t make sense.  But the Almighty Creator God that created all things had all power in heaven and earth.  And He doesn’t make mistakes.  

No one is a mistake, and no one should end their life.  I’ve struggled with wanting to end my life from time to time and let met tell anyone comtimplating suicide: DO NOT end your life.  DO NOT even hurt yourself.  You must be strong.  Learn to forgive yourself.  After all, Almighty God forgives with no conditions.  Just come to Him in honesty, contrition, and repentance.  Maybe you are screwed up and have problems.  And maybe it seems like the pain, loneliness or the weight will not go away.  But you must hang on.  You must be strong and just keep going.  Life is hard.  And it will not be easy.  But if you can find the fortitutude to keep forging ahead, eventually it will get better and youll be stronger.  You cannot lose hope.  Hang on to those things that bring you happiness and those people that love you.  Remeber those good times and memories and cling to them.  And think about those loved ones in your life, even if you do not always get along great, they will be crushed and devastated without you.  They need you in their life, whether it seem like it or not.  And those people who seem to either hate you or ignore you do not want you dead.  Most of the time they are not even against you.  Perception often differs from reality.  Even if you are a sick freak who struggles with homosexuality, no one wants you dead (they want you to find helaing, victory over your sin, and peace).  

Above all, rememeber that there is a God.  Seek after Him.  You will not be dissapointed, so long as you do not give up.  Keep seeking after Him.  He is always ready to listen to you.  He wants to help you.  He wants to give you joy, friendship, and purpose.  He did not create you in vain.  He has more meaning for your life than you can imagine.  You don’t see all the impacts you have on others.  Big or small, every individal impact society.  And when you’re not there a hole is formed in a family, community, and society.  Maybe your role is a small role of just working a part time job or being a good sibling, but that’s still important.  Maybe you have a huge role in society, like raising a big family and teaching your kids chracter and virtue.  Either way, God knows what He is doing.  Just hold on.   And remember, when you are going through the valley and all seems lost, every great man (and woman) that ever lived went through difficult times.   And the greater the man, the greater the valley.  Look at the greatest man that ever lived: the Christ.  He went through rejection, mockery, and acusations of all kinds from the same people He came to save.  And He suffered the ultimate pain:  the wrath of God was poured on Him for the sins of all mankind.  Yet He perservered.  He has suffered like we have, so when we come straight to Him, He knows our pains and how to help.  He will give you strengh and hope to keep marching foreward.   Remember that if you can keep seeking Christ, you will be rewarded in this life and the next.  Things will get better:just hold on.  Even if you can’t hold on,  just hold on and make it to the next day.  Be strong and endure.  You’ll thank God later.  

Lastly, and most importantly, every individual matters becaues the Almighty Creator God Christ  valued their lives so highly that He was willing to not just come to earth as His creation, but take their place of judgment from the wrath of God on Himself.  Let that sink in.  You are so precious to the Creator that He was willing to suffer and die for your sins so that you might live forever.  He did this even when you were His enemy and deserved Hell.  Remember that you were bought at the highest price possible, so do not ever throw your life away.  Christ came to help you and suffer with you.  Seek after Him in honesty, humility, and endurance and you will eventually find the light you were looking for.  It will not be an easy road and it may take everything you’ve got.  But if you stay on it, you will find whatever it is you really need from Christ.  And you will become something more than you thought possible.   

We all struggle in one way or another finding meaning.  Oftentimes we think if we were a big important person, we would have more meaning.  Or if we did something grand and revolutionary or pioneering we would have more meaning.  Would it, though?  I think it’s the exact opposite.  The deeper meaning things are actual the simplist smallest things.  It’s the day to day actions that are deep and meaningful.  The rightrous day to day actions, that is.  Because if we do evil, like rape or kill, is that meaningful, in a good way?   Only righteousness is meaningful.  Righteousness as Jesus Christ defines it.  

What we do with God is by far the most important and deepest thing we do with our lives.  God is the Almighty Being and Creator of all, so pleasing Him means more than everything else.  And knowing Him through suffering and hardships leads to depth we never fathomed.  Not to mention how precious and deep the Saviour Christ is.   His approval is worth suffering for.  But God does not ask us to do great, amazing things to get His approval.  We don’t need us to save people in africa or meet our quota of helping old ladies cross the road.  This is not done by doing miracles or gaining thousands of followers. Rather, He asks us to live for Him by living a Godly life.   We live a Godly, meaningful life by doing what is right where we are at, by trusting in Him, and by standing firm on those principles we know are true.  Christ asks us to faithfully go to the day to day grind and suffer for Him by doing the small things right and seeking after Him.   He wants us to give Him our all, be faithful through the suffering, and be obidient unto death (even as He was).   That sounds like a lot, but it is made up of small choices and everyday actions.   Eventualy, these lead to a bold, brave man that not even all the forces of hell can control.  God wants what is best for us.  He wants us to be men and women of character and virtue.  He wants us to be honest and pure.  His commandments are for our benefit, not His.  God is not a far off God that needs you to ascend to find Him.  He is knocking at your door trying to save you from yourself.   And you will find more meaning, fulfilment, and happiness seeking after Him than anything else.   All the relationships and love we have for others means little if we do not first have a relationship with and love God.   That is the beggening of a higher meaning and true depth.  Miracles are easy for God to do.  Its finding people to obey, follow, and walk with Him in heartfelt sincerity, willingness to forsake all, and loyalty unto death that’s hard for Him. 

The small actions we make everyday have more meaning than we realize.  They all add up, leading to bigger, more meaninful things.   Eating, and sleeping are basic everyday actions we all must do.  Yet it is very meaningful for anyone’s survival.  In the same way, the actions we take may seem mundane and meaningless, but are vital to us in ways we may not realize.  Negative choices, like eating poorly or doing drugs, destroy our body.  While negative choices like lying, or choosing not to work for a living, while to some may appear okay, or even good things, actual destroy us.  What is the point of cheating in an exam on something you want to or need to know?  What do you gain from it?  How will that help you in the long run?  In the same way, when you lie and cheat (by not working),  you are actually doing yourself a disservice.  How does that help you  grow?  What satisfaction or peace do you get?  Your actions determine what kind of person you become.  The small actions of today lead to the big accomplishments of tommorrow.  You may say, why does it matter what I am?  Why does it matter what I do?  It matters because there is a God, you were created in His image, and every other human was created in His image.  

Honesty is a meaningful, deeper thing.  After all, if the whole world was lying, how could anyone be trusted?  And how could we understand anything?  Does it not take depth for  people to admit who they really are and confess their wrongdoings?  It takes depth to be honest with yourself because we are all flawed and it’s often painful to look in the mirror.  But in order to be honest, it is something we have to continually practice everyday.  We do not become honest overnight.  We have to start small with inconsequental truths and work our way up to speaking the truth when much is on the line.   Everytime we practice honesty, we develop it until it comes naturally.    The small actions build until they become something big.   And when we become honest, it opens the door for so much, from trust to respect to opporunity to salvation.   

What is most important to you?  It’s probably not what but who.   Being a good parent, sibling, or friend is probably the most important job you have.  And how do you deepen a relationship?  Is it by finding out the secrets of the universe or doing the most amazing thing for that person?  No, its the small little things that add up.  You spend time with them.  Sometimes you do not say a word, but you are in their presence.   But you feel their love, you feel a bond.  Sometimes  you converse with them.  Most of the time its not anything deep.  You may talk about incosequential things like the weather or what they ate.  But in doing so, you develop stronger ties with that person.  

Taking care of those we love and being there for them is important.  More important than we realize.  We often take for granted those precious to us.  Yet what is important to us about them?  Is it the brilliant poetry they say to us or the ground breaking things we do together?  Oftentimes, its the small phrases like happy birthday, or how are you, or I love you that mean the most.  And that’s because of the  actions behind those words and the time they spend with you that gives these words meaning.  It’s the fact they chose to spend time with you and the sacrifices they made for you that proves you matter to them.   And it’s ussually not what we do that makes things special, but who we do them with.  Relationships are far more meaningful than accomplishments.   And I can think the most important relationships in life that mean more than any other (besides man’s relationship with God) are those of your family.   Who do you belong to (MY brother, MY father, ect.)?  Who do you share a name with?  Who do you spend the most time with growing up (or in your life)?  Who do you go to when you are in trouble?   And when do you feel the most pain for when they suffer?  

I think the deepest, most meaningful things in life (apart for what we do for God) are the precious small actions that we do for or with each other.   We reap what we sow.  And if we sow little to nothing for our loved ones, why should we expect to reap love, affection, or any sort of relationship from them?  When we do things for ourselfs or our own glory, where does all that effort or glory go?  Even if random people praise you or elevate you, what difference does that make?  Praise is fleeting while persisant praise is like an unwelcome visitor who lingers.  And those same people who praise you will turn on you so fast the moment you slip and fall.  But people that really care about you do what is best for you even when you have done wrong.  It is more rewarding to help those close to us who give back than do things for ourselves and wind up with nothing.   

Your life isn’t all about you.  I’m not saying you should not have any time to rest, unwind, or take time to  do things you like on your own.  That is necessary for good health.  But when all you do is things for yourself, you become self centered and alienated from God and people.   Wouldn’t you say shelflishness is the opposite of caring about others?   Yet that is what our society teaches.  That you are special and important.  That you deserve great things.  That you should have an easy life and others should do things for you.  It’s a warped mindset and the opposite of Chrsit’s teaching.  Christ said: “whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant… just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”   Yet instead of our parents sacrificing for their families, ofentimes the children our negelcted while the parent do whatever they want.  What’s the point of having a family if you are not willing to sacrifice for your kids?  What kind of people do you think they will become?  And instead of women sacrificing for their families, they chose to have a career for themselves while their children suffer.  Why?  To prove that women can do what men can do?  Why do we have males and females if women can do what men can do?   Instead, we should utilize our different strengths for different tasks and compement each other.   Women make the best moms.  They were created to be caretaking, compassionate mothers.  Men were not.  

Being a father who works hard to provide for his family is a deep thing.  Because you are doing hard things you may hate not for yourself, but for those you love.  You sacrifice everyday in order to make those around you happy, and that is a meaningful, rewarding life.  Your family belongs to you.  You are the head.   And although it comes with much resposnability, there is so much joy in raising children.  They give back to you in so many ways.  Oftentimes its just by being themselves.  And who isn’t proud when their kid does their best in school or sports?  Men have a duty before God and country to teach their kids right from wrong, raise them the right way, and sacrifice for them.  

Being a mom who stays at home and  does so much work cooking and cleaning and all the things mom’s do is a meaningful, rewarding, and deep thing.  It’s way deeper than wasting your life as a career women.  What rewards do you have in that?  More money that you can spend on stuff you may use once?  How much clothes and things do you need?    More recogonition from people you probably wouldn’t even want to be friends with?  The world telling you your great?  Will those people ever love you the way a child, your child, can?  Will they give you back the love you give to them?  Will those people be there for you when you struggle, or when you age?   When your old, will they visit you or call you?  And looking back on your life will you regret that you didn’t get a promotion or job the way you’ll regret not having children who are yours?  

Alot of times, doing the responsablities you dislike are good for you.  Who actually likes work?  Yet it is not just neccesary for our well being, but imperative for our growth.  We learn confidence, skills, responsabilities, and valuable lessons that sometimes cannot be put into words.   It distracts us from our problems and burdens of life that weigh us down.   But if we took the easy route and cheated our way in life by not working, we decay.  And we rebell against Almighty God, who created man to work not for His benefit,  but for ours.

We often make great impacts of others that we do not realize.  Without others, your life would be immesenly more difficult.  We take for granted all the work of the things you hate like garbage men,  mechanics, or retail workers.  They are the ones that make modern society possible.  But they are also looked down on by most people and thought of as lesser professions.  Oftentimes workers in most fields are screwed over by wealthy people that need to make more money.   And instead of our businesses doing a service for the community, they only care about the bottom line of more money.  It semas like our wealthy busines oweners think their employees are corperate slaves that have no lives or families.  So they don’t care if they work 60 plus hours a week getting paid the bare minimum.  All the while they have millions, billions, or sometimes a trillion dollars.  What can one man do with so much money?  If they use it to make more, it is an endless cycle.  They can’t take it with them after death.  I say it is far more ethical and moral for a company to give higher wages, and the ability for a worker to life a life outisde of work than give to all the fake charities these mega corparations give to.  First, they ussually just get tax breaks, so it’s a way to make more money while looing good.  Second, these charities ussually only give 10% or less to the cause.  How can you call that a cahrity?  Sounds more like a business to me.   Third, a lot of these “charities” are just piggy banks for the wealthy or ways to funnel money (looking at you clinton foundation).   

I realize the government is a huge problem with their heavy taxes on corperations and people.  We need huge reform in every facet of society, and governemnt is no different.  They raise taxes on the people working and trying to do right while giving welfare to those who could and should be working.   And how can a women afford to stay home these days when taxes are so high?  Pure oppression.  It’s almost like the government wants women to work just to tax them…  More money to funnel through to the aristocrats that rule us.  And I’m sure the corperations are being taxed heavily to the point it makes it difficult to raise wages.  I swear, it seems like our own government is agianst their own people.  

There is one more point I would like to make on the topic of menaing of life.  Sometimes, God has a special purpose for certain indivuduals.  While we are all called to be Christians, few answer the call.  And of those called to be Christains, sometimes God has a bigger meaning than that of other men.  I believe the highest calling for women is to be a Christian mother.  While being a christian father is a high calling for a man, there are other important callings God has for some.  Sometimes, they are called to be a Christain businessman who does not love money but is doing a service or providing goods while providing work for many.   Others are called into the medical profession (sometimes women are called to be doctors, too), teachers (sometimes women too),  law (never women judges) government (never women), and the ultimate calling: church leaders (never women).

  Church leaders can be pastors, missionaries, seminary professors, and the like (although most church leaders are sons of satan today).  This calling is not for the weak or those who want a plush job.  This is a calling of hardship and suffering.  If nothing is going wrong, you are doing something wrong.  In general, most people should either hate or despise you.   This is not because you are judgmental or a bible thumper, but because you are not afraid to speak the truth, call people out for their sin, and offend people for the gospels sake.  Look to Chrsit as your example.  He gave harsh words and called out hypocrites for their sins, and was not afraid to offend anyone.  He stood strong and was bold, not caring what man thought of Him but what the Father thought of Him.   This holy calling should not be taken by those not called.  Woe unto those who were not called of God or who did not stay true to their calling.   All the homosexual pastors, or women pastors are destined for hell unless they repent.  Women cannot handle the suffering and hardship of the ministry.   There is no such thing as a good women preacher.   And they ussually lack humility.  If they loved God, they would obey His Word and not be so proud.  Hear the Word of the Lord: “And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence.”  If you cannot obey a simple command like that, do not call yourself a Christian.  After all, “all scripture is given by inspiration of God.”  and.  “For I the Lord do not change.” Malichi 3:6.

Government is another high calling from God, especailly in a Chrstian republic like America.   Do not believe the lie that government is not for Chrsitians.  This is from hell.  If Chrstians were not to partake in government, how can we expect to have Christian laws?  It is the true beleivers that are the ones willing to fight and die for the great truths that define us as a nation.  Imagine if Washington, Lincolon, or Teddy Rosevelt had said, Christians should not be in politics, so i’ll stay away.  Instead, they were able to do great things for the people and a be a force for good.  Washington hated politcs.  Yet he did it to serve his country.  Isnt that the call of all great men?  To sacrifice for the good of others?  And how did they become great?  Gradually.   They endured sufferings and hardships so God could mold them into what the nation needed.  During diffiucult times, they built upon basic truths and virtues like honesty and obidience to God that lead to refinment.   The tough times (and their response to it) made them what they were.  The greater you want to be, the greater you must suffer.  

  People value the wrong things in life.  We often value our education, career, or amount of money we have.  Rather, we should value our character, our fellow creauters, and love and commiment to Christ.  I want to be remembered not for what I accomplished, but the kind of perosn I was (my testamony) and most importantly, what I did for Christ.  When I get to heaven, I  think it would be not just emabarssing, but insulting to a martyr (read foxxes book of martyrs and see the horrors they endured for the truth) who was torchred for Christ to boast of my earthly accomplishments.    Imagine going to someone who had sacfirced everthing for Christ: the pleasures and luxeries of life, his home, reputation, friends and family, his wellbeing, and yes, his very own life, and telling him about my accomplishments.  Try telling him about how you wrote a succesful book, made a gajiliion dollars, and ran a succesful business (or other earthly accomplishemnts that are trifleing compared to what we do for Christ (like false relgiious accomplshents or deeds that mean noting.)  He will probably look at you bewildered and wonder how you got into heaven.   The only lasting legacy we immortal souls have is what we do for the Heavenly Father and His Kingdom.  

The Heavenly Father is superior to an earhty fahter in every way.  He is kinder, more compasionate, more powerful, more honest, more faithful.  He is the onimpotent, omnipresent, and omniscient being who has no limits to what He can do.  There is therefore no reason to be worried or anxious for anything as He has all power is in His hands.  He has no limit to His power, creating all things both seen and unseen out of nothing both yesterday, today, and forevermore.  If he can do that, can  any sickness or infermity be too hard for Him to heal? He cares immensly for us, as we are His creation and He bought us with immense suffering.  We can trust on Him to take care of us and watch over us.  He wants to protect and provide everthing we need and want for us, and to give us a true depth of happiness.   He will guide us in all ways while giving us understaning and wisdom on how to live and secrets of life.  Athough he commands us what to do and where to go, this is for our beinifit; He is not controling but rather gives us liberty to do what is right.    He always has our best interst at heart which is why He gave us His Word and laws.     He teaches us obedience through suffering, and although He punishes those who go astray, there is no sin He cannot forgive.  And when He forgives, there is no resentment or bitterness; He forgives willingly and joyfully.  Although He asks us to give up everything and suffer for Him, the rewards He gives are more than worthwhile.    If we continue true, faithful, and dedicated to Him, He will teach us that earthly material things we value are rubbish compared to the the things of life that are most satisfying, like our inner peace, character, and who we are.  More fulfilling than all that however, are to know Him by seeking, trusting, and walking with Him.  Ultimatly only we can serperate us from our Creator.  But if we grow in His love, and endure faithfully to the end, He will reward us with etrnal life wherein is no pain, sorrow, or end.   And that eternal dwelling where the Pricne of Life dwelleth will be filled with endless peace, immerserable bliss, and a host of likeminded, amiable, loving Sons of God.  

When I wrote the last two paragraphs, something funny happened (at the time I didn’t find it funny, but later on I laughed).  Both paragraphs got deleted.  And somehow, I couldn’t get them back.  I tried everything, but I had already saved and closed the program without them their somehow.   I tried googling how to recover written words on open office, the program I was using, but nothing worked. I felt I had written some great pragraphs.  The flow was great, it was cohesive, the vocabulary was steller, and the content was superb with enlightening depth.  I honestly didn’t think I could rewrite it, espcially because I had less than 30 minutes till work.  I was worried I wouldn’t be able to write something as deep, or worse that id forget the main points entirely.  After realizing I couldn’t get them back, I did something uncharacteristic (what any great man who felt he had lost his life’s work would do):  I screamed profanities at the top of my lungs for the next ten to 15 minutes.  Once I gathered myself, I wrote the previous two paragraphs, making (I think) every major point and potentially doing a better job (we’ll never truly know now, will we).  I felt I had learned some lessons.   Dont look at the circumstances, if you mess up, you can always recover.  I could rewrite most of what I wrote because it was important to me and at the core of my beliefs.  Another lesson I learned was something I had already known, but felt like it was meant to make it into my book.  And that is that while I hate swearing, it is proabably one of the least of the sins in the eyes of God.  Im pretty sure God isn’t gonna destroy a whole city for their verbal profanities like He did for homosexuality.  And the KJV Bible even uses words like “bastard,” and “piss,”  and “damnable.”  I still do not like swearing, and try my best to keep my mouth pure.  And although every man, woman, and child should try to avoid vulgar words, I think swearing is a minor, minor sin.  Nevertheless, seek to refrain all ye who seek to follow Christ, for “be ye Holy, for I am Holy.”  I did feel bad, and asked for forgiveness, but God showed me sometimes we can be too focused on the minor sins and forget the major ones.  After all this, I rushed to work and my coworkers asked why my voice was so hoarse.  I told them the story about the irony of a man writing a spiritual, Chrisitan, paragraph who wound up swearing profanities for a good while.  We had a good laugh.  And it seemed, when I told them the part about swearing and how it is a minor sin, they seemed to swear less.  Funny how that works. 

He Could Have Called Ten Thousand Angels

Ray Overholt 

They bound the hands of Jesus in the garden where he prayed

They led him thru the streets in shame

They spat upon the savior so pure and free from sin

They said, “crucify him: he’s to blame

He could have called ten thousand angels

To destroy the world and set him free

He could have called ten thousand angels

But he died alone, for you and me

Upon his precious head they placed a crown of thorns

They laughed and said, “Behold the king”

They struck him and they cursed him and mocked his holy name

All alone he suffered everything

When they nailed him to the cross, his mother stood nearby,

He said, “Woman, behold thy son!”

He cried, “I thirst for water,” but they gave him none to drink

Then the sinful work of man was done

To the howling mob he yielded: he did not for mercy cry

The cross of shame he took alone

And when he cried, “It’s finished,” he gave himself to die

Salvation’s wondrous plan was done

Chapter VIII

Ignis aurum probat

the fire tests the gold

(chracter is refined though adveristy)

nil desperandum!

Never despair 

Psalm 25:16-21

16 Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,For I am [a]desolate and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses!
18 Look on my affliction and my pain,And forgive all my sins.
19 Consider my enemies, for they are many;And they hate me with [b]cruel hatred.
20 Keep my soul, and deliver me;Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You.
21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,For I wait for You.

Humans are social creatures that want to be liked and fit in by nature.  We look around and compare ourselves to others because it is what we observe.  And oftentimes we see others talking and laughing while we sit alone.  It makes us wonder about ourselves and why we are not like them.  But in reality, I think everyone is affected by lonliness at some point in their life.  In our limited perception, that is not what we see.  Instead, we look down on oursleves and feel like we are different because we may not have many friends.  We often think certain individuals have all the friends in the world because they seem more social.  This makes us feel as though we are alone or are lesser because we have few friends.  In reality, most people, even the social butterflies, only have a few close friends.   I think many times people have a perception that they are different or strange just because they do not fit in.   Yet everyone is unique and different in their own right.  The world would be boring if everyone were too similar.   Oftentimes people take words to heart that oftentimes were never meant as a serious comment.  This affects us for a time and lingers in our minds,  giving us doubts about ourselves. 

I know I have struggled so much with feeling like an outsider and like I do not belong.  I’d say that is from moving so much and starting over, mixed with mental issues and genetics that made me shy.  I never felt like I truly belonged anywhere outside of my family (Thank God I had a big family).  I always seem to revert back to a more concealed state after every move growing up (or after my breakdown).  At some point, I learned to accept that i’m just a weird indivdual and that I do not connect with most people.  It really didn’t help that I was shy, awkard, and had very little to say.  And when I did say something, it didn’t always always make sense.  My perception of others was that people didn’t like me and that I was strange and isolated for a reason.  But even when people reached out to me, I had such little confidence many times I was afraid i’d ruin it.  Even when I did hang out with others during my youth, I said little to nothing, making everything akward.   Although internally I acknoledged my shortcomings, I never really gave up on overcoming them.   Most of my social struggles, however, were tied into my internal views of myslef and my beliefs.  

One of my recurring struggles was having a loser mentality.  I hated myslef in so many ways.  I thought I was a loser, and even wondered why anyone would want to be my friend.  I sometimes wondered if I would have any friends if I didn;t have any brothers.   I even contiplacted if my own brothers would be my friends if they weren;t my brothers.   It didn’t help that I didn;t want to get into drinking,  I know many people bond this way.  And I didn’t want to lose my beliefs or convictions for friends.  To me, I saw most people as going too far into sin or too far in religion.  I wanted to staty on the straight and narrow.  This alienated me from many potential friends.  I suppose you could say, partially, I chose the lonely path.  It was a combination of all these things (my wierdness, shyness/quitenes, and my disire to stay on the path of my righteous parents)  that led me to the feeling of isolation and lonliness.  But God had blessed me by putting me in a big family of loving brothers.  Honestly, I doubt I would have had many, if any, friends after I lost my mind without my brothers.  They shared my beliefs, values, and interests, so it was perfect for me.  And they helped me develop and recover when no one else seemed to want anything to do with me.  Thank you God.   

During much of the low years, it was a recurrent theme in my mind of how dumb I was.  In my early years I used to spend no time thinking about this stuff.  I was (mostly) a straight a student and whatnot (up until high school), so I didn;t think much about this stuff.  I just went foreward.  But when my illness hit, my mind regressed and I started looking internally much more.  I always had a shy and timid interior, but everything was magnified in my eyes.  Every stutter or illogical word made me look even lower at myself.  There were times I questioned if I was retarted.  Other times my paranoia kicked in and I swore all my fears of being rejected and looked at as a moron or retard were said by others.   It was a relfection of what I thought.  However, I do  honestly think many people said worse about me. 

I stuggled immensly finding a simple word to say in most situations.  I wanted to connect with people, to forget about myself by talking.  Instead, i’d try to be funny and say something off the wall stupid, just to say something.  Or id get nervous and say something dumb.  Oftentimes, I couldn’t hear what the other person was saying, so I’d respond and they look confused.  Then they didn’t know what to say and it’d be awkeard.  Othertimes, my mind wouldn;t comprehend what the other person said when it was something different to what I was used to.  This would lead to uneasiness, as I didn’t know how to respond.   I just struggled so much with basics of conversation, it led me to believe I was not just stupid, but a reject and worthless.

I remember when I was really struggling, I wanted reassurance that I was not as dumb as I thought.  You know how sometimes you just need to hear something said, even if you think its true?  Words have power and sometimes just hearing something can encourage you.  So I told a brother how I felt like an idiot, hoping he would tell me something to help me out.  Instead, he gave me some long schpeel about intellignece doesn;t matter.  That’s not what I wanted to hear.  I felt like a moron and needed someone to help me have a little self repect.  Maybe its silly that someone in their mid 20’s needed to hear he wasn’t stupid, but I looked at myslef so negativley and just needed to hear this.   I just wanted reassurance I wasn’t as dumb as I thought and felt.  So I told another brother about this, hoping he would say something along the lines of, don’t put yourslef down, your not an idiot.  But instead, he just sidesteped the issue and talked about  my other brother.  That;s when I really thought I must be an idiot, and they just didn’t want to say anything.  I must be really dumb and they just didn’t want to make me feel bad.   My brothers didn’t mean any harm, and I don’t blame them for any wrong.  I needed to figure this out myself.  Besides,  it shouldn’t matter what others think about you or even how great or intelligent you are.  What matters is what God thinks about you and the person you are.  Still, I took it pretty hard.  Especially because my mind was constantly putting myslef down.  In my eyes it was just evidence that I was as dumb as I speculated.   But this would not last forever.  (Ironically, when I was almost off my medicine and I felt intellent again, I agreed with my brother: intelligence is not of supreme importance.  Rather, truth is key.  Speaking, understanding, and seeking after truth is what is really important.)  Depite my lack of confidence in myself during that time, however, my mind was always churning.  I would meditate on my life often, and learned valuable lessons from my experiences, growth in understanding, and by seeking after God.    

As I grew older, I realized 3 important life lessons.  First, that I had the best and closest friends I could ask for already in my family.  They were always there for me, they loved me more than I did, shared my intrest and values, and I genuinly enjoyed being around them and could just be myself.  Because of all we had been though together a felt a close bond and trust that was unshakable.  The second was that most people are not that great anyway.  They may seem cool or fun but they will almost always let you down or dissapoint you.   Even good friends I have cannot heal me or fix my problems or satisfy my soul the way that only God can.  Which leads me to the third lesson, an epiphinay that devloped over time:  Christ is the greatest friend I will ever have.  He understand everything about me, gave everything for me, and is always there for me.  He was not just an ear and counsellor, but a source of strength.  He was willing to suffer with me,  and even carry me when needed.  I just had to let Him lead me and not fight Him.   

I learned so much about Christ when I sought Him in the hard times.  He doesn’t want to judge anyone.  At His heart, he wants to forgive each and every sin (He took the wrath of God for all sins, giving Him no limit to forgiveness).   But how can He forgive sin if people can not even admit they have done wrong?  How can Christ forgive when (in the sinners perception) there is nothing to forgive?  What is Christ forgiving?  Because nobody is perfect, we all need forgiveness.  Imagine the kind of arrogance (how dense you must be) it is that to believe you have never done wrong to anyone in your life and therefore need not to be pardoned.  How could a just God let anyone who cannot even admit their wrongdoings into heaven?  Because that’s what He asks.  He does not expect us to be sinless or perfectly keep the law.  Rather, He asked that we have contrition and sorrow over our sins and desire to amend our ways by letting Him save us from our crooked ways.  We do not have the power to save ourselves or change our nature.  Sometimes we do not even have the power to stop sinning.  Where is our escape then?  What hope is there?  We must come to Christ and let Him change us for the better.  He has to save us by creating a new heavenly being with a new nature within us.  And trust me, Christ has power to transform the worst sinner to a righteous man.  Look at Saul, who klled Christians.  He latter became Paul and was a powerful, righteous force for Christ.  And If a man as evil as Hitler truly repented of their sins, God has power to forgive and sanctify him.  God created man imperfect (or rather allowed man to fall) in order to fix us with His ultimate solution:  Christ.  He is the answer to our sins, pains, lonliness, and  any problem we may have.  Christ wants to be our personal savior, friend, and God.   He doesn’t want to send anyone to hell.   And He doesn’t send anyone to hell who doesn’t deserve it.    And every man, woman, or child who rejects or does not come to the Christ is deserving of eternal hellfire. Christ does not reject us, but we reject Chrsit.  Christ say in John 5:40 But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.”  His arm is there, as He says “behold I stand at the door and knocl ( revaltion 3:20).  How could anyone reject such a priceless, free gift?  Nature screams there is a Creator, and that Creator is activley seeking to save    He knocks at every door, everywhere in the world.   And while  the free promise of salvation is given to all who come to Him is great, the fellowship with the Almighty Creator Christ is beyond bliss.  Yes, there will be difficult times of suffeing to any who desire to follow Christ.  But He promises to go with you through the trial.  And when you have conquered the war over your soul called life, you will have eternal peace and bliss with God forever.  And no man, angel, demon, or being that exists can take that away.  

One of the most important things I did was pray almost daily about my issues.  I leanred when I struggled I could go to the heavenly father to tell Him how I was doing.  At first it was out of desperation to get healing of my mind, then contrition over my sin, and finally I learned to pray out of love for my Creator.  Anyhting that I struggled with I prayed about, from not being an idiot to being a decent worker to being a more honest man of character.  I even prayed over small things like ahving  something to talk about that was worth saying.  Whether it was smart or witty or just something that made sense, I wanted to connect with people via conversation.  Isn’t that how friendships form?    I learned to value the time I spent daily in prayer.  And not just value it but enjoy it.  I was genuinenly happy spending time just conversing with the Almighty Creator God Chrsit.  It took time and desire, and often required much suffering on my part to really feel the depth, but over time the moments of dialogue (God speaks so many ways more than just aduible words)  I grew so much.

Sometimes I think, to an extent, lonliness was a mindset I created.  All humans have perceptions of things around them.  They compare what they see to how they feel and wind up with something in their head that is very different than reality.  The more we dwell on these thoughts, the more alone we feel.  I struggled with this immensly.    It can get to the point where we warp reality to fit to our own mindset.  Maybe people do tease you or even mock you.  And maybe people even hate you.  This may lead to you feeling like an outsider.  You cannot let that control you.  You gotta be stonger and thick skinned.   People are always gonna tease, mock, and hate.  We must be not let them get the best of us.   But I think there is a better solution to lonliness. 

I think im not the only one to feel alone.  I think everyone suffers from feeling like an outsider at some point in their life.  Sometimes we really are alone.  Those times are tough and can cause destroy us if we let it.  But we need to remember those who do love us and the bond we share with them.  And if thats not enough, there is a heavenly father for us Chrsitians who is allows watching over us.  He is always there to talk to too, bounce ideas off, and come with all the pain, weight, and baggage that no one else may want to listen to.  Although it may not feel like it at the time (it feels like you could die to the weight being so heavy), He will even carry you.  I know for a fact that is how I made it.  I loved my family dearly, and honestly would not have made it without them.  I would not have had the will to go on if they were not around.  But even with them, there were things they couldn’t fix and issues I just couldn’t bare to let them know about.  The shame and guilt of my sins is something I just didn’t have the heart to confess.  It was too wicked.  I couldn’t stand telling the people I loved the most my most heineous crimes.  I couldn;t trust strangers, especually not in todays sick climate.  I had only one place to go:  the Everlasting Father Christ Jesus.  And I poured my heart and soul into our talks or cofessions.  I told Him everyhting.  Even though He knew everything, I had to let it out to someone.  There were many tears and many broken hearts when I went to Him..  By confessing the wrost of  my sins and asking for Him to heal me and fix me, I started getting closer to Him.  Eventually I began to look foreward to our little chats.  I began to feel less alone.  I began feeling hope that things could get better and I witnessed the slow healing.  I saw firesthand the prayers answered.  I could feel the small faith I had grow.  And I learned He was always ready to hear my words, so long as I came with honesty, reverence, and true contrition.   Jesus is that way for everyone.  He always wants to be there for us Christians (and those who are seeking after Him).  He wants to be with us through the hard times, carry us if need be, and to see us through to the end.   And if we do need others, God will send them our way.  But sometimes you can feel lonely even around other people.  And I think Christ is there as an answer for lonliness.  He can satisfy that hole in our lives like nothing else can.  Christ stands at the door and knocks to every soul.  He wants to come to give us peace, forgivness and life.  We just have to let Him in.  

One caveat I must mention is that we must do things the right way.  That is why those who preach or speak the truth are so important.  They show us how to go to Christ and what Almighty Christ  expects from us as we seek Him.   For example, if we do not obey His simple commands such as “Abstain from fornication, for this is the will of God”  how can we expect Chrsit to help us out or be there for us?   Its a two way steet;  God will not be mocked.  Why would He be there for you when you cannot listen to His simple commands?  If you are not even trying to walk the ways of truth by obeying His laws, why would He entrust you with the gifts and promises He has for His servents?  How can you experience the depth of riches He has when you are living in rebellion?  All walks with the Creator start with obdience.  And the first step of obedience is being honest about yourself and your sins.  Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.  1 peter 5:6-7.  The next step is repenting of all the wrongs you have done.  The Bible is very clear about what is right and wrong.  1st john 1:9” If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”   Do the small things and you will grow until you do great things.  Eventually you will become someone you never thought possible, more Holy, righteous, and deep than you imagined.    You will come to see how great and wonderful the Lamb of God is.   Lastly, do not give up.  If you keep doing wrong, keep prayer for forgivness and keep asking God to help you.  If you feel like your going nowhere and everything seems like a waste, seek harder.  Take a good look in the mirror and compare yourslef to what the sciptures say you should be.  Remember these verses:  Jermiah 29: 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart, and Hebrews 11:6L  “He is a rewarder of those who deligently seek Him.” God wants nojne of your  half-harded stuff.  “,And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord,     “ Colossians 3:23 He can see how much you care and knows your motives.  He wants total commiment.   And if Christ gave His all for us, shouldn’t we do the same for Him?  

What a Freind We Have in Jesus

 Joseph M. Scriven

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer

Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged
Take it to the Lord in prayer

Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness
Take it to the Lord in prayer

Chapter IX

prr angusts ad augusta

through difficulties to honors

2 Corinthians 7:11-1210 For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. 11 For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter. 

This is the part I thought i’d be telling about my victory.  But things don’t always go how we plan or want them to.  I’ve been praying and crying out to God daily that He take away my sin, my depression, my mental illness and all that comes with it.  I’ve been praying for so much from meaning, to happiness, to life more abudant (most days I dont want to go on, I dont wanna live).  But it seems so afare off.  The closer I get to it, the farther it alludes me.   And although I have gotten bettter in many aspects of life, it seems I keep slipping back to all more vices and sorrows.  I still sin , and I despise myself for that.  I can resist it to a point, but sometimes I just cant sleep and the pain and heaviness of everything is to much to bear.  So I look at porn and do the very thing I have come to abhor.  But worse than the sin is the guilt and shame I bear.  I know the words of Christ:  if any man lust after a women in his heart he committh adultery.  Following that logic, do I committ adultury with these men who became women by lusting after them?   And the inner self or satan always seemed to have words for me to bring me down.  If I was a christian, why did I parctice sin?  Afer all, “ whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.  “  SO then how could I call myself a Chrsitian, when I deliberatly sinned against God?  

And it seemed the longer this drew out, the more this inner voice seemed to arise within me.  I treid to be strong and heed the words of Christ.  I tried to stand firm and say “all things are possibel to Him that believeth,”  and , “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. “  I just needed to believe and God would take care of it.  But the voice inside said to me, how can you say you have faith, when you’ve been praying for years, over a decade for victory, and you still struggle with so much.  Jesus clearly says here that if you had faith, your prayers would be answered and your mountain thrown into the sea.   How can you say you have faith?  How can you call yourself a Christain?  Is it dead faith?  What good are your prayers and cries to God when it remains unanswered?  Ussually when stuff like this happened, i’d just sit there and think: he’s right, how can I be a christian?  Do I really have faith?   What kind of faith do I even have, if I cannot get these prayers answered after praying for over a decade?  I’d sit there and try to think of a reason for my depression and guilt.   

My mind sought a verse to answer my inner voice (or whatever it was pointing out my failures).  I tried randomly flipping the bible open to find words of comfort.  I found good stuff, but nothing to answer the criteques.  Eventually, I just wanted to read a passage that came  to my mind alot throughout many days, a verse in the bible that always seemed to comfort me.   As I read isaih 53, I noticed things I hadn’t before:  “He was rejected and depised of men, a man of sorrow, aqaunted with grief.”  I felt comforted.  And  I realized, I had been praying to be more and more like Christ in everyway.  I wanted to be strong like Him, bold and fearless like Him, wise and intelligent like Him, honest and forehtright like Him, and especially, lowly and humble like He was.  He was a man of sorrow and aqainted with grief.  I, too, suffered  (only Chrsit had been through so much worse than I could ever dream of).  But He knew my pain and suffering.   He could help.

Deep down, I knew that this pain and hardship was necessary.   It is neccesary for every Christian that desires to be live a Godly life.  It comes in many forms, but  is never easy.  What does Chrsit say “ought not the Christ to have suffered and to enter into His glory?”  Without the deep pains of earth, we will never experience the bliss of heaven.   And If Christ suffered, should not His followers, who are to immitate Christ, expect the same?  It gave me confort, these great truths.  And I countered the aruments made against me with this: “abraham believed God and it was accounted to him for righteousness,” and “the just, shall live by faith.”  The bible does say that “if we confess our sins. He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  God determines who is good.  He has that right, being tnot just the Creator of all things, but Sacrifice for all.

I think, even if we do practice sin in our life, if we truly desire to overcome that evil, and with a pure and honest heart put our faith in God, God will look beyond our faults and give us what we need.   And if we lack faith, ask, and He will give it to you.  If we put our faith in Him, He will not let us down.  It just may not be in your time, but rather the right time.  Sometimes we need to go through hard times to mold us into something greater.  God allows all things to happen to us, and it is not our responsablilty to know why.  Rather, He expects us to turn to Him and trust Him for all our provesions, needs, protections, and health. 

Despite all of the truths God had shown me, and all that I had overcome, I came to despise myself.  Even though God had brought me through so much and answered so many prayers, I still had doubts and anger towards myself.  Maybe I’m too much of a perfectionist, but I saw all the reasons to bring myslef down.  I was a loser.  I was a bum.  I had done nothing with my life.  I didn’t have much to say, and when I did talk it didn’t make much sense.   I felt alone, rejected, and almost always an outsider.  I really didn’t have many, if any people I could call friend outside of my family.  I couldn’t see much of anything positive in myself.   I viewed myself as a failure and waste of life.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I just couldn’t pinpoint it.  

Why was I so critical of myslef?  And how could I change this?  I knew I couldn’t change myself, but what could fix the inner struggles; the inner hate?  Why was I so down?  And what could bring me out?  I used to just assume God would heal me.  I thought I had faith that He would take away my depression, give me a reason to live, and heal me.  But what was taking so long?  It seemed like nothing made me happy anymore.  I’d laugh on the ouside and try to put on a cheery face, but deep down, it was always pain, always heaviness.  Nothing seemed to make me happy.  Even being around the people I loved most seemed repetitive with no where near the highs of joy I used to get.  Everything just seemed hopeless.  

I cried out to God daily.  Sometimes that helped a little and gave me some hope.   But the heaviness just seemed to linger.  I asked God what the point of a partial healing would do me.  Would it even be a healing?  I believed God when He said, “all things are possible to Him that believes,” and “He is also able to save to the uttermost.”  But why was it taking so long?  More importantly, what kind of testimony would I have if I wrote that God healed me to a point but stopped?  What good would it do to tell people that I was better some of the time, or every now and then?  What hope would that give them if I said God could partially heal for a season?  Why would they want to turn to Christ?  And what would be the point of that prolonged suffering?   

Yet, deep down, I knew that Christ was Almighty, alknowing God who had a master plan and knew what he was doing.  I knew this was necessary for growth, especailly for what Christ had called me to do.  Most of the time, though, that didn’t make it any easier.   I tried to be thankful, espcially because God had done so much for me.  I think I truly was thankful deep down.  It’s just my spirit was weighed down so far, I didn’t feel joyous about it.   I tried to be obedient to God and stay true to His teachings because at my core, even with my sins, I believe I still loved God.  

Sometimes in prayer, i’d feel a little better and pray that I make it to paradise to be with Jesus.  I wanted to be with my Creator above all else.  Sometimes that hope is what kept me going.  But I would remind myself of Christ’s words “This is life eternal, to know the only true God.” So I’d pray to know the Christ in a deep personal way, to really walk closely with Him and experience deep things.  There were times I even thought that there was no greater treasure than walking and knowing The Amighty Creator God Christ.  Yet even with these deep revaltions, I still continued to struggle.

 On top of my negative outlook of myelf.   I feel so depressed often on.  And it’s not just depression, it’s a host of weights dragging me down.  I am always reminded how old I am and how little i’ve done with my life.  In my mind, I am a waste of life who accomplishes little and hardly makes any difference in anyones life.  There is a quote that goes “no one is usless who lightens the burden of another.”  But whose burden have I lifted?  Seems to me i’m just a weight.  Or at best, I just existsed.   My life was going no where, even though I was getting older.  I still hadn’t found a girlfirend (I don’t know why I was so obsessed with this. I guess I thought it would bring me some happiness. (indeed just conversing with beauiful women lightened me a little)).  I Still had no degree or job that I could support a family.  I had very few, if any, friends outside of my family.  (Part of that was I knew I would have little to nothing to say.  It seemed, all my life,  when I hung out with friends I was extremely quiet.  Even friends I liked and thought highly of I struggled saying anything.  I was just a wierdo, and I knew it.)  This always weighed upon me.  The hope that I might write this book and others was so distant.  I couldn’t publish these books when I still struggled from all theses weights.  What good would that do?  Tell people I suffered but never got the victory?  How would that help anyone?   But there was more to weigh me down.

I’m weighed down by the country going to hell.  It rips me to pieces to see this land go to the dogs.  Almost everyone in power is either anti-american satanist or anti-american useless cowards.  The republicans and conservative stand for nothing and do nothing.  They are equally responsible for the destruvction of this nation as the party of Satan.  Everything that satan stands for, the democrats and liberals seem to stand for.  They are for murdering babies, promoting sexual lewdness of every kind, including homosexaulity of all forms,  and pick and choose when to apply the law (is that not tyranny?  Choosing who the law applies to?) .   They are for welfare (which is evil disguised as good), high taxes, and high ussary,  and stealing money from the american people in order to get rich and help their rich buddies (I suppose republicans do that too, and most of these).   They are bringing in immigrants to repalce us until the whites are a minority (or even cease to exist at all) in their own country.  It really is a form of genicide.   Multiculturalism is just a way to destroy a culture, and diversity of race is a way to kill of a race.  They are agiasnt Chrsitainity in our schools, governement,  and every apsect of society, all while claiming they are the good guys.  All the while they promote every religion but chrsitianity (including the religion of science).   They themselves have become a relgion, making law, plocies, and judgments based on liberal morality..

All of these evils and countless more rip me up at my core.  I am filled with righteous indignation that will not be quelched.  It seems no one has the courage to take a stand and call out the evils of today.  Where are the true Chrsitains?  Where are the God fearing men?  Where are the righteous?  Does anyone care that we are dying as a nation?  Why wont anyone take a stand and fight?  I know the men who take a stand will be hated and despised above all.  Every facet of society will hate and dispise them from media to both  Political parties, to entertainment, to even the modern church.   But if no one fights, all will be lost.  When a good man does nothing, evil with triumph.  Yet where are the good men?  Have they bought into the lies?  Are you waiting for someone else to take a stand?  Be ready to take a stand, and lose your job, your friends, and everything.  (The time is coming soon, and my best advice is to get right with God, be ready for anything, including war, and be ready to die for your nation , your people, and your God.)   We are already in a war for the very soul of our nation.  Do we, as a nation, repent and turn back to our Creator, or do we face His wrath and judgment?  

Although the outside world was in choas, dragging me down, my internal battles were far more pressing.  But the light at the end of the tunnel was starting to shine brighter, and my burden was about to be lightened.  After immense struggle, I had a breakthrough.  I started sinning less.  I did the same things I had tried to do before, while praying God give me victory, and it just kinda started working.  I went 4 days without sinning.  Then anywhere between 3-7 days at a time between sins.  But I had to stay up until at least 2 am (unless I hadn’t slept much multiple days in a row) in order to fall asleep fast enough without sinning.   Even if I wanted to sleep, I forced myself to stay up so I was exhasted.  I suppose you could say I gave up one of my favorite hobbies and comforts for just a chance to beat my sin. 
At the same time I started having this victory, I got news in the mail that my doctor who had been there for me since high school,  was no longer working with the clinic.  I didn’t know what to think at first, as I felt he had done a fantastic job.  Not to mention we had built a rappor (I would even call him a friend).  I prayed hard over what do to next.  I thought about how hard it would be to find a decent doctor with how cruddy the medical field is today, so I took my time.  I prayed if maybe this was a sign to get of my medicine.  At this time, I was doing fantastic, better than ever.  So after consulting my mom, I cut my medicine in half and we went from there.

I dont know if it was the medicine cut or the beginning to have victory over my sin that caused my change (maybe a combination of both).  Either way, I felt like a renewed being.  My guilt was gone (unless I just sinned the last day, but even that was less), the voices were almost nonexistent, my emitions were upbeat but steady, and best of all, it felt like my mind was finally working again.   While it had gradually gotten better over the years (you would not have recognized me at different parts of my life) it was at a new level of sharpness.  I was able to talk more clearly, hold better conversations with  having something to say that made sense.  I felt like I understood what others were saying better (admititly this was gradualyl getting better too, but it was at a new level of acuteness).  Best of all, I felt, for the first time in a many many years, a prolonged deep feeling of happiness.  I didn’t want to listen to depressing music as much because I felt good.  I wanted to live and had more energy to do things.  I could get 4 hours of sleep, work a 8 hour 7 am shift, and still have energy for golf or frisbee golf.   I didn’t even need a nap most days.  I finanly wanted to live.  

I realized something profound when things were going well.  Most, if not all of my problems were internal problems.  The reason I felt bad about people calling me an idiot (ussually jokingly) was because I felt like an idiot.  The reason I was down and out and felt like an outsider wasn’t because people were not mean to me (most everyone was nice (as far I know it wasnt just to my face.  many many people were good to me and treated me very well).  It was because I felt like a loser and hated myself.  Even if I had found a great place or group to belong, I would have felt isolated.  My inner being despised what I was and what I did.  I seemed to always think the worst of myself.  I was my own worst enemy.  

It wasn’t just the sin and depression that held me down, it was my inner being.  I looked down so negativly on myslef, I always doubted and despised myself.  Maybe it was because I thought I could be so much more (I always was a bit of a perfectionist).  Maybe it was because I made so many mistakes that I knew were wrong.  When I said something stupid, or made a mistake I was the hardest one on myself.  And I ussually agreed (at least in my mind) when someone called me out or ripped into me.  I myslef often ripped into me inside.  I had such a negative viewpoint of myslef in so many ways, and when I started having this victory, it eased up a bit.

Every now and then I still struggled with self loathing.  Oft times I would think about my sexual sin of yesteryear (sometimes yesterday with the porn)  and feel the pain that comes with guilt and shame.  How could I be such a sick, perverted freak.  I lusted after my own brothers, my own dad, my own mom!!! What the hell was wrong with me?   I’d always ask for forgiveness and mercy from God because this was such a wicked abomination and the guilt and shame seemed to linger (not the actual lust over my family, thank God) .   I’d Claim verses in my mind like neither do  I condmen thee.  But something in my mind would say: the very next words are go and sin no more, yet you continue to sin, even if it is fading.  I would feel terrible and think whatever it was (satan or my own inner voice) had a good point.  I needed to stop.  And id move on to other verses like all things work together for those who live God.  But the inner vioce who say “why do you call me lord, lord and not do what I command you?” how can you call yourslef a christain when you stuggle and cannot even obey a simple command of staying pure sexually?   You can’t even go very long without looking at porn and  sinning.   I would feel terrible because a lot of times this inner voice was right.  It ripped me to the heart because the thing I desired above all else was the do the will of the Father.  Eventually I would say trust in the lord with all thine heart and lean not on thine own understanind because things didn’t make sense and I didn;t have a good resposnse to a lot of these rebuttles.

Because I had feel so far into sexual sin, I wanted to go above and beyond in being sexually pure.  I didn;t just want to be free from all forms of homosexuality.  I didn;t just want God to take away all the evil homosexual thoughts, emotions, feelings, desires, attractions, lusts, and urges (which I prayed He would take away every day).  I also wanted to be free from sexual lusts after women.  I would say this was equally or worse than the homosexual lusts.  And throughout the years (with the exeption of the few years from hell where I had phyiscal pain maniffested from the lust) I ussually only had homosexual lusts when I saw the gender bender or transexual porn.  Otherwise, out in the real world, if I saw a homosexual or transexual, I was diguisted.  But I did struggle lusting in the real world after women.  I was always looking at women and thinking how beautuful or hot they were.  This is something I wanted to end.  I took it seriously when Christ said, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh. on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart “  And I felt bad that I was always looking at women and checking them out ( it certainly doesn’t help how some women dress).  I wanted to conquere that too.  So I prayed hard that God would not just help me to conquer my homosexual lusts, but overcome my straight sexual lusts.  I prayed I not even look at a women lustfully.  And I tried to do my part in life too.  I tried not to stare or even look at a women if I could help it.  (And somewhat unrelated, I have a terrible habbit of reading mens and women shirts, so I prayed I stopped trying to read the womens shirts with words on it).  I tried to take my mind off trying to find a girlfiend and just put my trust in God that He would work things out.

When I was having this victory and this were going well, a certain verse was my rallying cry:  “If anyone wants to come after Me, let him deny[a] himself, and take up his cross and be following Me “  A strange and embarrasing cross was mine, but I took it seiously.  Just about every night, when I went to bed I prayed that Christ would help me deny myself, and take up my cross in order to follow HIm.  And I tried to do my part.  I tried to have that mindset that I was a soldier fighting my inner demons and had to do my part to beat this hypersexualism.   But it was encouraging to know that it is supposed to be difficult and that challenge is part of the Chrsitian walk.  If Christ had said everything was supposed to be easy,  I would have probably killed myself by now.  But He promised that it would be difficult (difficult is the way and few there are that find it).   I found confort knowing it was going to be a difficult way to get to heaven.  Otherwise I was living a lie and all my pain and struggels was a in vain.

After struggling for so long with hypersexualism, I finnaly had this break through.  I had breakthroughs before, time to time, but this, I believe, was the begenning of the end.  I’d been praying for so long I was losing hope.  But I knew I had to beat this.  And deep down, I knew it would happen.  First, after ebbs and flows of victory and lossses, I went through a weeks of losses.  And each loss felt like a stab in the heart.  I felt terrible.  The very thing I hated and was fighting to beat for years was consuming me and winning.  I didn;t even want to sin, I had no urge to (most of the time).  But I just couldn’t sleep otherwise.  I think this may have been the most dishearted I was about my sin because it had been so long and I had been trying everything to beat it.  I tried staying up as late as I could just so I would fall asleep with sinning.  But even if I felt exhasted, I would lay there for hours in pain until I succombed to  my sin (bceause my body had been trianed to sleep after it).  But out of nowhere, I started falling asleep soon enough to reject the sin.   I went a whole week without sinning.  I felt that peace come back, the peace I had when I was young.  I was overjoyed.  But it was just the beginning.  I would still struggle completely overcoming my sin, and from time to time I would still succomb to it.

When I sinned again, I felt terrible for falling back.  I knew healing was a process, but I wanted so bad to be done with this, to move on in my life.   But one thing that came to my mind was that God was the almighty judge.  He decideds who is good and who is not.  He seperates the goats from the sheep.   It is not by keeping the law or being perfect that justifies a man.  Rather, the just shall live by faith.  It is more important to seek after God than refrain from sin.  God will forgive, and heal you.  But those who may beat their sin or never do a major sin can still wind up in hell (everyone sins, in different ways).  Jesus said “they would not come to me, that they may have life.”

One thing I struggled with was when I did have victory in my life, I felt farther away from God.  My prayers didn’t feel as heartfelt.  This ddin’t make sense to me.  Why did I feel closer to God when I was sinning and doing wrong?  Yes I was searching for forgivness and desperate, but that seems like the opposite of what should be.  And when I was having vicorty, God didn’t seem as needed to me.  I prayed hard how one could stay close and true to God without hardship.  How does one draw close to God and not suffer?  Is that possible?  Is there a way to walk closley even when everthing go well?  That is something I deligently sought for.  What do you pray for when everything is going right?  You can thank Him, you can praise Him, but what are you searching for?

Even though I had started having victory, I still had some pains and stuggles.   I had always prayed that Christ help me do the will of the Father, even if that meant I were to suffer.  Here I thought, its been so long, what if Christ has called me to a life of contintually sorrow and suffering?  What if this is His will for me?  Will I be obedient, even if I never get better?  I thought a little and said in my mind, “Lord, if it is your will that I suffer like I have and never get better, or always struggle in this life, your will be done.  Just have mercy.  Remember that I am small and weak, not Almighty God like you.”  I wept.  I did not say this lightly.  I remembered all the horrors and struggles I had been through.  But I knew it was more important to obey God than get better.  I trusted God to have His way.  Yet I still held on hope that I would get better.  I just accepted the fact that Christ may want me to suffer more.  But I knew Christ was a kind merciful master, and did this for my benefit.  And He only allowed as much pain and sorrow as I could handle.  I’d rather put my life in Christ’s hands than my own.

Little did I know, things were about to get better.  But when things got better, I assumed the worst.  I was so used to hard knocks that the moment things got better, I assummed bad things were around the corner.  And when things were going well I was worried I would forsake my first love for the cares and pleasures of this world.  Maybe those doubts are unbelief (which God hates).  But I never trusted myself.  I know the sick POS I am.  I know the dark perversions I lusted after.  I knew the tens of thousands of times I said “not tonight” and sinned anyway.  I knew I couldn’t be trusted.  That made me pray harder to Christ.  I prayed nearly daily that I would not leave or forsake Him.  That I would not fall into the cares or pleasures of this world.  That I would not fall into loving money, trusting money, or living for money, but love Him ,trust Him,  and live for Him.  That I would not fall into sin or hypocracy, pride or undbelief, religousness or praise, or desire for acceptance by man or anything that might take me away from my Creator.  I prayed that I would eb willing to give up anything He asked of me (including entertainment or music or types of music or an easy lifestyle), forsake anyone He asked me to, go wherever He sent me, do whatever He asked of me, say what He wanted me to say, and suffer whatever He asked me to suffer.   I wanted to be well peasing to God , to give Christ everything so that after I died I had nothing to be ashamed of when I stand before the high and lofty throne of the Almighty Judge. 

It seemed though, that everything just seemed to fall into place.  My mind was working better than ever.  I was able to talk, to jest, to know when to stop talking and how to carry on conversations.   I was not just competient at my job, but I actually enjoyed working.  It was weird.  I even didn;t mind doing dishes or work at home.  And it seemed like entertainment was just a way to pass the time, not a priority.  It took some getting used to, but it felt good.  It was better than I dreamed it would be.  Maybe it took over a decade and a half, but I was a free man.  The bonds of lust held me no longer.  I didn’t even think lustful hardly, if at all, and fell asleep easy after staying up late.

  I even was able to quit always looking at or for women.  It still took some self control, but overall, I wasn’t always looking at women or thinking about them.  And if there was an attractive girl I looked at, I wasn’t obbsessed about them.  I may have admired their beauty, but I either thuoght it’s not worth it, they aren;t that great anyway, or if they were a real standout, i’d move on and put it in the hands of God.  I wasn’t going anywhere with them anyways, they were probably a fornicator or not that great, like most women, and besides, I trusted God would find me the right women, who put Him first and made Him her first love in all ways.  And the women who had no moddesty, or dressed like sluts and whores (way too many women do) grossed me out.  They embarresed me as a fellow creature made in the image of God.  Why would I waste my time with a women that dresses so trashy?   And why would I waste my time with a women who can’t even save themselves for marriage?  Whores and sluts are a dime a dozen and come easy, but a rigghteuos virtuous women who saves herself is not just rare but a blessing from God and greater that money can buy.  

There was a few hiccups along the way, however.  At one point I was so overjoyed and bursting with life that I couldn;t control the aboudance of good vibes.  I was just a little too excited and happy things were going well.  Combine that with energy I felt and the social interacitons, and I was doing a liitle too well.  But I prayed to God to tone it down a bit and got better, feeling at peace again.  And when the dust ahd settled, I felt isolated.  Not alone, as Christ was with me, but forgoten and overlooked by others, through possibly no fault of their own.  They talked and joked more with me, and even connected with me better.  But I felt distant from them, if that makes sence.  Like it was all so lightheated and feel good, they didn’t connect with the state of depth I was in.  Not depth of pain (as the pain was gone),  but depth of being, if that makes sence.  I felt like I wasn’t on the precise wavelegnth with anyone, really.   Maybe it was just the fact that we are all alone in a way.   Even if we do have friends or make connections, we are always individuals with individual minds and souls.  Maybe that’s why we need the comforting spirit of God to make His abode with us.  Maybe that’s what I needed (and possibly why I felt such peace, such confort, someone who I felt close to and understood by when I spoke to Christ and read His words).   I began to wonder if I could even find a woman that would make me happy, that could feel close to.  Forget about just being righteous, would they get me?   Would they be what I needed and enahnce my life with our realtionship?  Could I find someone to have a deep realtionship with?  Or was I too weird, have to unique of an experience?  Or maybe, it’s because most of what i’ve experienced in my life i’ve kept inside.  Maybe I just need to open up.   But i’ve been too vehemently ashamed; too passionatly embarrised.  Who would listen or even have advice?  Thankfully, God was my therapist.  Yet isn’t that what this book is?  How horrible do you, the reader think I am?  Do you hate me as much I used to?  Can you look past my sins and faults?  If so why?  Do you not believe in judgment?  Do you understand why the Just God can forgive?  Will you head my words to seek after the Almighty Creator?  And will some of you want or try to kill me or wish me dead when you read my what I believe in my coda?  Back to thte story…

During this time of victory, I felt so much that I had overcome and I was ready.  Ready to move on to the next life.  To be with the Almighty.   I didn’t want death because I was depressed.  I wanted to death bacause I was overjoyed.  I had conquered my demons.  I had drawn close to my Creator.  What more could I want?  Or need?  I had been through enough to fill a lifetime.  I felt like a well versed man in pain who had moved past it to peace.  I was even content to not be married or have kids, the one thing I looked foreward to the most, what I desired above all else on earth.  Yet I would rather be with Christ.  What was wrong with me?,   What happened to me?  I wasn;t down or depressed.  I just had been through so much and I just wanted to be at rest, to have that eternal peace.  That is where my heart was.  Even my beloved family was an afterthought.  I still loved them and enjoyed my time with them, but it didn’t compare to the love I had for Christ.  Yet God had called me to an important task, and if my dreams/visions are real, i’ll die an old man.  As much as i’d like to be a martyr to show my love, I don’t think I’ll go that way.  

But, as life goes, things often ebbed and flowed.  I had great success, but there was always setbacks every now and then.  Sometimes you gotta take a step or two backwards to move farther foreward.   There were times I would feel the pride come within me, as if because of what I had been through and my victory I was above others.   And I could sence it, and I hated it.  So I prayed God would take it away.  And ussually I would be hit by short hours of depression or worse, id slip back into my old sin.  Ussually I went at least a week without sinning.  But something would come up, like the pride, and God would humble me by allowing me to sin.  I always felt terrible and sought for mercy and forgivenss from Almighty Christ.  It always seemed to point me back towards Him.  Othertimes I felt sharp pains that led me to sin in order to lessen the pain.  I wouldn;t even want to sin, but I just wanted something to relieve the pain.  Nothing else normally seemed to work for the sharp pain of depression at night.  The pain was like somone took a knife to my emtotions and kept it there.   It didn’t last long and wasnt every day.  Perhaps it was due to the medicine being lowered, as ever time I lowed it, I’d have a few moments (or day) of depression.  However, these always went away and seemed to be nonexistent after a few weeks of settling on a new level.  One day though, I woke up with the sharp pain of depression.  I prayed that God would take the pain and depression away completely.  I prayed,  if I needed to suffer more,  His will be done.  I trusted Him.  I knew He had a plan, and I just needed to stay true to Him.  Yet I pleaded that although I was willing to suffer and although Christ had suffered far greater than I could comprehned, I was not almighty Christ.  I was weak and could only handle so much.  So I pleaded for mercy.  I told God I would take the pain and hardships, but pleaded that He rememeber that I am a mere man, and a weak one at that.  I wept deeply for a good five minutes.  But I felt the comfort that only God could give.  And the sharp pain gradually left me.  But I thought to myslef, how I needed to  beat the depression to beat the lust.  It was to overwhelming otherwise.   And I needed this victroy for so much, no just for me but for a testony for others and because of what God had called me to do.  I needed to be in control of my emtions, so I could be a good friend, loyal servant and eventually  steadfast father, faithful husband, and great leader.  But I wanted to beat this depression and lust completely and still be close to Christ.   It seemed to always draw me back to Him, but I didn’t want these crippling demons to be neccesary for me to be humble or close to Christ.   I prayed Chrsit keep me.  Keep me true and faithful to Him.  Keep me loyal on the straight and narrow.  Keep me from the cares and temptaions of the world.  Keep me from sin and false religousness.  Keep me from pride and from turning away in times of trail.  Keep me from despair and heavy depression.  Keep me from losing hope.

And Can it Be?

Charles Wesley

1 And can it be that I should gain
An int’rest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain?
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me?

Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me!

2 ‘Tis mystery all! Th’Immortal dies!
Who can explore His strange design?
In vain the firstborn seraph tries
To sound the depths of love divine!
‘Tis mercy all! let earth adore,
Let angel minds inquire no more. [Refrain]

3 He left His Father’s throne above,
So free, so infinite His grace;
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race;
‘Tis mercy all, immense and free;
For, O my God, it found out me. [Refrain]

Chapter X

Acta non verba

Deeds, not words

“Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”  Job 13:15

The next stage in my life, was actually the same state I had learned to do so well: wait patiently.   I still needed to fully conquere my demons.  To go weeks, then months, then a year, and so on without sinning.  Until I fully conquered it, I felt led to be with my family, to work, and not fosake the assembly of the breathen.  I must admit, if I didn’t have a paster who was trying to do His best and preach the turth, I do not know if I would have attented a church.   I hated everything about the modern church.  The hyposcracy, the lies, the fakeness of everyone.  The false love.  The cultist feel.  The judgmental attitude.  How they look down on others.  The fact they miss the whole call of the gospel and do not even seek the Saviour.  I hate that they strain at a nat in so many ways whilst overlooking the most basic commands.  How many “Chrsitains” obey the command  “abstain from fornication for this is the will of God.”  I don’t think you can get any clearer.  Or “be not drunk with wine”  or “you cannot serve God and mammon” (money).   How about “i permit a woman not to teach a man”  (yet they ordain women pastors) or “no homosexaul… shall inherit the kingdom of God”  or even “Male and female He created them”  (two genders and no such thing as evolution).  How can these people even call themsleves Christians if they do not even try to follow the basic words of God?  Worse yet, they condemn those who try to obey or stand for the teachings of the Bible.  Truly, the words of Christ apply to this age “the time is coming that whoever kills you will think that he offers God service.”  They would if they could.  Their hate is strong.   They are so busy trying to look righteous (especially by mens standards) they forget the words of Christ “For the Son of Man came not to call righteous but sinners to repentence.” These people don’t need or want Christ, they are already good in their minds.  They seek the praise and accpetane of men, even if they look like morons.  Ultimatley, they want the kingdom of God to be ruled by man and mans ways.   Yet “what is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the eyes of God.”   God is the ultimate, unchaning authority.  As Creator, Sustainer, and Savior, who exists without need of any other being or substance, He has the right to decide right from wrong and judge His creation.   

God  makes men the imperfect biengs we are.  We can either blame Him for everything or realize He not only wants to redeeem us, but adopt us.   He may deal us a bad hand, but that is for a purpose:  that we may seek Him until we find Him.  Why would one seek after God or do what is right if everthing goes their way?  If we do find Him, the joy we obtain no power can strip away.  But true lasting joy does not come without hardships.  The more worthwhile something is in life, the harder it is to obtain.  We have to ask ourselves if we are willing to edure the pain now for the joy of the future.  Everyone has struggles and learns sorrow.  This cannot be avoided.  But God can use those struggles and sorrow to make us wiser, deeper, and greater than we ever imagined.  God can take the imperfect beings we are and create masterpieces.  But we must be willing to give up everything, forsake anyone, and faithfully endure whatever sufferings He asks us to go through.  

Masterpieces do not happen overnight.  Its like the johnny cash song, “Im just an old chhunck of coal, but i’m gonna be a diamond one day.”  We must be patient and press forward, trusting and obeying as we know best.  But if we can endure, if stay on the straight and narrow, even those of us who are not the sharpest or best equiped can be great in the eyes of God.  Ive hear that vincint van goughs was not neccesarly the most talent painter but just kept at it.  His painting, “stary night”  is not the most artistically groundbreaking or a marvel of teqnique.  Rather, the end product is amazing because he spent so much time grinding and tinkering with the piece.  He obsessivley painted over and over certain areas the get just the right shade or color.   And the end result is immoratalized as fine art.  We too, may not have the most to work with, even been dealt a bad hand, but if we can perserver, God can do great things for us and through us.  And even if the world calls us bums or worthless, if we press foreward anyway, one day the same ones mocking will stand in awe.  

As I grew closer to Christ, He showed me that suffering was innevitable for any true Christian.  Id go as far as to say if you never suffer hardships you are not a Christain.  It took time to process this, but the pain I had endured made it easier to comprehend.  As time went on, my love for Christ grew, and I wanted to show my love for Him as best I could.  Obviously, by seeking Him, walking with Him, and obeying Him we show our love.  However, if we really love Him, and want to endure, we must not just suffer, but be faithful and thankful through these sufferings.  And, for some stupid reason I often regretted, I desired greatnsess.  Not greatness in the eyes of the world, but greatness in the eyes of God.  So I came to terms that my life would be a life of pain and sorrow, like my Master, “A man of sorrow, and aquainted with greif.” Little did I know the weight of my calling.  The suffering necessary for me to learn the obedience needed and for Christ to mold me was immense.  I needed divine aid just to get by.  Christ delivered; He was always there for me, always.  And He gave me what I needed; albeit not what I thought I needed.  “For to whom much is given, much is required.”  And Christ had given me a mountain of a calling, so I required a mountain of suffering.   Eventually, my love for Christ became so great, I almost desired that I could die a martyr.  But I thought about being burned at the stake, and honestly was afraid I couldnt handle the immense torment of the fire melting my flesh.  I wanted to suffer for Christ, but I didn’t know if I had the strength to.  This lingered in my mind until one day, my brother shared a story from fox’s book of martyrs.  To paraphrase a paraphrase, a saint who would not racant the truth was being tormented by the catholic church.  Out of nowhere, he began not just smiling but laughing.  The tormentors became angry and asked how he could be happy.  He replied that an angel had come and relieved some of the pain from Him.  This was excatly what I needed to hear.  From that point on, I had no worries, anxieties or fears of being burned at the stake, or anything that man could do to me.  Man could only harm me if God allows it.  And if God does allow intense physical suffering, like being burned at the stake,  God would relieve the pain if I truly could not take it.  My mentality changed from hesitation to courage.  I wanted to suffer, and trusted God would take care of me through it all.  

Believe me, many times the sufferings made me regret this.  I’d even say in prayer during tough times that I didnt need to be great, I was a nobody anyway, and id be fine being poor in heaven.  But everytime id say that id know my calling, and the will to please God.  The will to be great in His eyes was far to precious for me to want the load lightened.    It got to the point that when I did experience intense pains or troubles, i’d man up and take it, not sinning, but understanding this was necessary for my calling.  I became something i’d never thought possible.  I not just could handle the pain, but could embrase it, realizing the short time of intense pain was making me superior.  Yet I believed this maturity and suffering meant God could bless me.  If God blesses us before we are ready or can handle it, we may focus on the blessing and fall away from Him.   And so much blessing was ahead, albeit unexpected to what I thought.  

I must say, I never knew this, but I am a sucker for cute girls who have slight lisps and kind hearts.   I meet a girl who I found very attractive, both personality wise, and on the outside.  I noticed she had a slight lisps, and she was embarassed, asking if it was obvious.  I found it so cute and adorable, in a romantically actractive way.  She said she had needed speech therapy to get rid of it.  I think there’s so much to someone like that, who has a lisps, and has to work to overcome it.  It speaks volumes of their work ethic and character.   And the teasing theses poor souls must endure through school makes them stronger and kinder.  Now a full lisps might be hard for me to handle.  But an ever so slight, not all the time lisps this girl had made me crazy about her.  It helped she had a lot of good qualities I liked.  And as beautiful as I thought she was, she didn’t.  It made me feel so bad that she thought so little of herself.  I didn’t understand why she thought she wasn’t beautiful.  Did she go to high school with a bunch of fags?  Whatever the reason, I though she was a gem.  And a beauty.  Yet as much as I liked her, I knew even if we dated, it wouldn’t be a long term thing.  But I hoped we could still be friends.  I once texted her I hoped we’d never be enemies.  She said she wasn’t like that.  And me, the horrible loser I am, texted her a couple times in the middle of the night when the sharp pain of depression was kicking in and telling her all about it.  Instead of telling me I was a weirdo or needed help, she said she was there for me.  That meant so much to hear that from someone outside my family.  I’m sure others had told me that before, but it certainly wasn’t often, and it didn;t always feel sincere.  And I felt like she meant it.  I really, really liked this girl.  Maybe for the first time in my life, I actually found a girl I liked that I felt had great qualities I admired.  I found someone I wouldn’t be ashmaed to call my girl.   Deep down, I knew it wouldnt work out forever.  Yet I wanted it so badly, even just for a season.  But she had a lot going on, and I had to wait patiently just to hang out.  

Around this time, because I was feeling so good and not needing much sleep, I wanted to get out there, meet new people, and live a little.  But it seemed no one had time for me.  I had met some cool people I wantet to do something with over the past few years.  I had a wide variety of things I liked doing, so there was definatley a variety of people I wanted to hang out with.  Board games, video games (but the games they wanted to play I either hated or was aweful at), sports (i’d play just about anything, but I could not watch the once beloved, now anti american abomination know as porffesional, and now college, sports), and eating (does that count? Its certainly somethhing people do together, right?) were some of my hobbies.  I even offered to go fishing, and I hate fishing (bad experiences).   There were definatly limits though.  I wouldn;t go drinking, or to lewd parties (as if I was invited).  And, depite many hunters inviting me, I just couldn;t stand the thought of sitting and waiting patiently while doing nothing for hours (I really do appreciate you hunters, honest.  You are great people.  I just dont think I could do it.  But, if I were sent some some jerky, or summer sausage, id be a very,very happy man.) Anyways, things never worked out, save a one time thing, and I was a man who had overcome his depression and inner conflicts, only to be stuck in the same boat he was always in: I was all alone.  When I was depressed I loved being in my room all alone all day.  I had no one to let down, I couldn’t embaress myself, and I didn;t have to worry about people not liking me.  And I know I had my family, but I was wanted to branch out with this newfound confidnece (dare I say swag?).  I wanted new experiences with new people I liked.  But they all had lives, work, and I do understand it is tough to make new plans with new people.  To be fair, there have been plenty of offers ive rejected over the years.  It was heartbreaking though, because litterally 5 times (noy including the dozens of times me and a friend mutually said “we need to get together”), I made specific plans at specific times, and the day before or of, the person texted me and said something came up and they couldn’t make it.  It got tough to take after a while, and I learned that loneliness was a friend that never wanted to go away.  

When I was feeling eurphoric without the let down of bipolat (TR had Hypomania, and maybe that was what I had developed ), I kept texting this girl I liked, unrelentlessly.  I flirted, joked, and she made me feel really good by laughing at my jokes.  In my mind I thought this could be very fun.  And when I got a sharp depression a few times in the middle of the night and told her about it in detail, instead of telling me I needed help or ignoring me, she responded with “im here for you” on at least three seperate occasions.  I was in love.  I knew it wouldn’t be a long term thing, but for the time being, she was everyhting I wanted.  And when I said things I shouldn’t have and felt bad, she wasn’t even angry.  She was quick to roll past it, and it seemed I couldn;t make her angry if I tried.  I was very  picky about my girls, not only with looks, but with who they are.  Most women dress like trash or extremely revealing, so I know to stay away from them (and the pink haired, tatooed, and face peirced wierdos- I definantly kept my distance from them).  But the ones that look normal and attracitve, I am still very picky about.  I have high standards, and this girl seemed to hit most of them (I didn’t know everything about her).  Everything seemed like it was working out perfectly.  And then one day, when I was texting her, she casually mentioned she was with someone.  My heart was crushed, to say the least.  I went to her in person and jokingly asked how many boyfriends she had.  She said she thought she introduced me to him and that I had seen them holding hands.   I told her I wish she had told me earlier, or I wouldn;t have gone quite as far with the flirting.  I was really embarassed ( I laid it on pretty thick).  She said she thought I was just being cool.  I said I meant every word.  My world was a little shattered.  I certainly was looking foreward to getting to know her and enjoying her company.  She was such a sweet, fun girl.  And she said she really hoped we could still be friends and hang out, which is what I really wanted anyway (I was not going to get physical, even I had a girlfriend.  I wanted to stay pure and honor my mom, and more importantly, honor God).   To be fair, she did keep saying stuff like “we’re just friends for now”.  I even told her when I found out about her boyfriend that  I thought she wanted to take it slow and that’s why she said “for now.”  She said she didn;t remember saying that, and certainly didn;t intend to say it like that.   So, I kept praying for an amazing girl.    I wanted someone so great in my eyes, I wouldn;t have eyes for anyone else. 

10 Who[a] can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life. 

Proverbs 31:10-12

The following piece is a variation of prayers I prayed for years.  

  Man I really wihs I had a girlfriend.  But I still yearn for a exeedingly beautfiul  gem of a girl.  But one that isn’t just all looks.  Someone with thats beautiful on the insdie as well sas the outside, who  loves God.  Who is a deeper person.  Who is not a fornicator.  No tattoes, peaicings.  NO drugs, smoking or drinking. I need someone who believes like me. Someone who is humble and submissive (I promise I wont be controlling).   I’m so deperate.  I feel like adam who has no one be with, no help mate.   I wish I had a girl to talk to about deep things or joke with and have a good time.  Someone who belongs to me, who I belong to.  Someone who wasnt all about her.  And someone virtuous, a woman of character and depth.  I want a girl so bad that will stick with me through the tough times.  Who understands the meaning of covenant and honors her words.  Somwone who doens;t love me for money and who doens;t love or trust in money.  Who will be straightforowrd and honest with me, even if im wrong.   I want a girl who will go though thte valley of hell with me and stick by my side.  A women with strength and fortifude who can take hate, brush it aside, and keep going.  Someone who hates homosexualiy, fornication, adaaltury and the like.  Who isn;t controlling or demanding.  And who doens;t need everything her way. Someone who wants a big family and who will be a great mother to our children.  Who believes in the covenant of marriage and who wont suddnely leave because we have no saprk.  Someone who loves God with all her heart, soul and mind.  Whose whole life is dedicated to the Almight Creator and who lives as though she believes in the eternal rewards and punishments of God.  Who isn;t a relgious hypocrite or judgmental, but rather knows when to be forgiving and merciful.  A kind, gentle soul who is strong and patient. A real gem that is worth fighting for and worth spendind a lifetime with.  Someone that I wouldnt want to leave even when she does get old.  Who I would want to spend time with and be close to even in Heaven.  Someone wise, intelligent, hard working, and honest.  Who loves me and likes me.  Who I love and like.  Is there a girl like that out there?  I pray to God taht there is.  I would be so happy if I could find this treasure of a woman.   It would be bliss.    I would give her so much love, so much attention and affection.  I want someomne who will not take me away from Jesus, but will walk with me in my walk with Chrsit.  But if there is no woman like this, who will not turn me or my future children away from God (ive seen it so many times) or away from my  family,  I will live a lonely life.  At least I have Jesus.  He’s the real prize, anyway.  But I believe Chrsit will answer His promise to me, he will grant me a great wife.  It is the biggest hope, and dream I have in life.  To find a gem of a wife and have a big family.  What else could I want?  Great  Health (for me and my family), a job to provide for a big family that gives me time to spent with my family, and most importantly, a close realtionship with my Creator.  Give me those 4 things, I couldn’t dream of a better way to spend my time on earth.   I have rejected so many girls and not asked out so many attractives girls because I knew they were not good enough.  They were attracitve on the outside enough, but it was always one thing or another.  Too religious.  Loose sexually. Crazy libtard.  I could go on and on.  

Obsviously, I was too nervous most of my life to talk to any girl.  But when I got the courage I became picky.  And without the belief in an all powerful God, I would have given up hope on finding a wife (or even a decent girlfirend honestly).   When I do find you, I want you to know just the thought of you kept me going at times.  And if you love Christ as much as I do, even the whole worlds hatred will not tear our love apart.  I will love and cherish you beyond words, if you truly are my better half.   So future wife, I love you.  And, im counting on you not just to be a great wife, confident, and friend, but more importantly to be a great mother.  I want amazing kids, and they will need you more than me.  We will pass down the truths of Christ to our Godly offspring, so that even when we are dead, our seed will carry on the will of God on earth.  Even in heaven, where there are no marraiges, I pray we can still be close friends throughout eternity.  Athough you will always be second in my heart to Christ, that is the highest any other being will ever be.   

I struggled with the idea of turning 30 soonish and not yet living outside my parents house yet wihtout  having a decent job. I was going no where and still had no life plan, just a feeling that I was called to something bigger.  I know I shoulnd’t worry or doubt, especially after all God had done for me and all He had showed me.  I felt guilty and horrible for worry and being anxious.  God hates a lack of faith: look how He always rebuked the disciples unbelief.  I felt like it was almost a slap in the face of God after all He had done for me.  Forgive me Lord.  And although I was making great prgress on my book and felt it was quality, I started to doubt that anyone would even publish the contriverisal piece.  I concluded that if no one were to publish it I would just post it online in a blog.  I felt like my suffering could help people, and I had some good truths that were important.  The money was not as important as getting the truth out and helping those in pain who maybe just need a spark of hope.  As much as I wish I could say I had trust that God would take care of me financially, when I came to that realization, I started worrying how I was gonna make a living.  I had sacrificed so much time and effort into trying to heal and find voictory.  And the book was plan a, and I had no plan b.  I was just working retail part time, writing this book, and focusing on trying to love God all the way, walk with Him and obey Him.  I was trying so hard to obey the Bible all the way (seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you).  I felt bad for not having enough faith knowing the Words of Christ: mathtew 6:25-34 “ Therefore I say unto you, Be not anxious for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than the food, and the body than the raiment? 26 Behold the birds of the heaven, that they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not ye of much more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit unto [a]the measure of his life? 28 And why are ye anxious concerning raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God doth so clothe the grass of the field, which to-day is, and to-morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Be not therefore anxious, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 For after all these things do the Gentiles seek; for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first his kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Be not therefore anxious for the morrow: for the morrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”  I felt that I was directly going against the words that were directed at me.  And despite knowing these words, despite all the healing and victory I had had, despite almost everything going right in my life, I still doubted.  I dont trust myself, espcially after living 30 years with me (I knew the horrible POS I was).  Yet, part of me still had enough faith to committ it to God and say depite it all I said to Him, “I trust you God.  You are gonna work things out.  Even if it doesn’t make sense to me.  You are the Almighty, you have a plan.  Forgive me for my doubts.  I committ all things into your hands.  Have mercy on me.  Show me the rigth way to go, make my paths straight.   Thank you Lord, for all you have done for me.”  All I could do was trust in the One person I couldn’t see or hear.  Yet I felt His presence strong in my life, and truly believed He was more real than me.   Therefore I kept forging ahead, trying to ignore my lifes circustance and instead look above for guidance.  

Soon after finding out this girl I liked had a boyfriend, I had another terrible revaltion.  Although I was a good worker, I was bored with work, and often found myself chatting away with other people in different departments.  I still worked hard, and tried to keep it reasonable (and when we were slow), but I was finnally able to talk and hold decent converstions.  All my life I had struglled with talking to people, with anyone.   Even with a lot of my childhood friends I visited often, i’d say very little.  And as I grew I wanted to say more, to actually be a friend and hold converstations.  And when I thought I was finally breaking out of my shell in high school, I had a mental breakdown.  Now, at the age of 29, I had finally had a major breakthough.  I wasn’t depressed, I was cofident, and capable of carrying a conversation.  I could hardly believe it was me and never dreamed I was capable of this.  Stuff I said was pertinant, and made sense in converstation.  I wasn’t nervous or scared, so I could say stuff and not be terrified of what I may say and fumble the words out.  There happened to be another girl that I was just friends with (I made sure she knew that)  who I would talk to for too long of a length of time, I admit.  But i’d ask I was anoying or if she wanted me to leave, and she’d say I was fine.  Id even ask if there was any work she needed help for me to do.  I should have read the signs when she always said no, but I took her word that she wasn’t bothered.  And she told me I was funny, and it was a two way converstion, so I thought she was having a good time.  One day, however, I found out she was annoyed with me talking for too long each time.  I felt terrible, and apoloigized.   If she had just told me that I was anoying or was taking too long, I would have left her alone long ago.  That’s a lesson for you ladies, be straightforword and honest with us, it stings worse the longer the lie goes.  

I was crushed.  Even if she was just a friend, I though highly of her and that she was really cool.   But it brought me to a realization: my work friends never wanted to be my real friends.  None of them.  If they really wanted to be my friend, they would have made time out of their schedule.  I wasn’t a big enough priority to do anything with.  Maybe they did wanna hang out or do something, even call me a friend, but it wasn’t important enough to acutally do something.  It was a tough sting, knowing that I could now finally be friend,  but had no friend outside the family that could make time to be that friend.  I supposed I had spent most of my life being alone, but it was depressing to realize id always be alone.  How does a friendly person make friends, if no one want to his?  I had my family, and loved them dearly and still liked them, but I wanted to meet new people, new people I genuinely liked.  Most people aren’t worth the time and effort, for one reason or another, so when the few people you wanna be friends with want nothing to do with you… its tough.

Although I rarely was sane or confident enouhg in high school to talk to many girls (there were a few I fondly remember talking to, but they probably dont rememebr me), when I finally started speaking with girls my age, it seemed like it just never worked out, even just as friends.  There were many coworkers who I got along with fine.  A few I even wanted to date (at least until I got to know them a little better) but for some reason or another it didn;t work out.  But I got so picky, most of them I just wanted to be friends with, to just get togethe outside of work and just talk.  But it seemed like none of them wanted that at all, for one reason or another.  I tried doing things with guys but it never worked out (I shot around on the basketball court with a buddy for like 20 minutes after work one time. Other than that, as much I asked so many, nothing came of any anything.  So its not just women that want nothing to do with me).  While I wanted friends that were guys, but they didn’t want much to do with me, just like the girls didn’t   But cute girls have a cetain magic that spurrs my heart with energy and life.  Maybe Im a wierdo, but just talking to beautiful women made me so happy, much more than guys can make me.  Even if it is only for a brief moment, just seeing their smiles and hearing their laugh lightens my heavy load so much.  Even hearing their problems can take my mind off my struggles and give me heartfelt compassion for them.  So I asked these beautiful girls if they’d wanna do something outside of work, in various ways, and I was always shot down, for one reason or another.  I’d try to be clear we were just friends, and I honestly didn’t want to date most (hardly any) of them.  I was just lonely and wanted to talk or do something and I thought they were cool.  And I wasn’t going talk abiout my problems or vent.  At this time I could be social, friendly, and even fun (even if I was still weird).  I could tell they kinda liked me because we had so many good talks at work and they’d even have good things to say to me.  They laughed at my jokes, we had two way converstaions, and I felt like I bonded with some of these girls.  Yet nothing came of it, and I wallowed in rejection, wondering why they wouldn’t even just talk outside work. 

I was was so cofused when they wouldn’t want to do anyhting with me outside of work.  We’d laugh and gave a good time at work, but they couldn’t commit to anyhting else.  It’s like they secretly despised me, I dunno.  They’d turn me down in so many different ways.  Sometimes a stright up no, or a euphamism of it.  Sometimes they’d agree and nothing would ever come of it.  And a lot of times, when I didn’t do it in person, they just wouldn’t respond to a message online.  That’s one way to leave me alone.  I got the hint.  It was just weird because a lot of these girls I felt like I had such great talks with.  Sure some were a bit of a strech and im kinda glad didn;t work out, but why did it seem like no girl would do anyhting with me outside of work?  Did they secretly all laothe me?  I don’t understand.  Was I that big of a threat?  There was one time I was talking to a girl and I was telling her about a board game day I was going to with my brothers.  She said she loved board games, so I asked what she played.  She said uno and cribbage.  I genunily loved cribbage, so I asked if she wanted a beat down (I really dont rememebr how I asked, but I like that and its something I would say). She said she was more of a summer time cribbage player.  Ouch.  I got the message and left her alone after that.  More than anyhting, I found that funny. 

I will say, the one girl I wanted to date, I think she sincerely would hang out with me, but she did have a lot going on.  Work, boyfriend, and school and she was a homebody who didn;t get out much.  Maybe that’s why I liked her so much.  I even asked how a homebody meets other homebody’s.  Im geniunly puzzled at that one.  Jsut glad I met her at work.  One day I found out we finished work at the same time, and asked if she wanted to get a milkshake or something.  Even if I didn’t want one, I really just wanted an excuse to get to talk to her for a little bit.  I really liked this girl, even just as friends.  She agreed and when we both got done, I found out she didn’t really want anything, so we just sat there and talked.  Thinking about it now, thank you so much, brandi.  You said yes even though you didn’t want anyhting.  It shows you actually didn’t abhor me, and were being truthful.  I know that sounds pathetic but after all the rejection and lonliness, its nice for someone to show you (and not tell you with empty words) they actually like you.  Anyways, we just talked for thirty minutes, as I had somewhere to be.  But it was a good conversation, and for a short moment in time, my troubles were gone, and I was happy.  But that was one time out of thousands of days of loneliness, and I still felt alone.  Yet I reckon that even if I had friends, even a girlfriend, I may still feel alone.  It was something I had to conquer, alone.  But how does one overcome lonliness alone?   

I came to a realization.  No one would get me.  I mean really get me.  Even if I found an amazing wife, she wouldn’t fully get me.   I still talked and enjoyed peoples company, but there were parts of me no one could comprehend (I didn’t fully understand myself either).  Even if I explained it, they just couldn’ experience it.  People could hear me and my experiences, and even give good advice.  But I was alone.  Even my family, as great as they were, couldnt understand precisly what I had gone through.  And the deep questions my soul was contemplating, no one but God could answer.  Sure,  I could hear words of truth and even have some questions answered.  But I felt no one really knew how I felt and why I felt that way (that’s what I was trying to figure out).   Im sure people have suffred far worse than I have, dont get me wrong.  But no one had been through precisly what I had.   Yet I came to terms with that and found peace.

No one seemed to be at the state I was in, for better or for worse.  And the few people that often helped me with adivice, kind words, or even fellowship seemed to just not be doing much for me (in general).  It seemed I was the one giving the advice (although no one really thought I had much good advice to give, and maybe it isn’t), kind words, and fellowship to others.  I seemed once I needed others desperatly just to make it by.  Now its seemed like I was there for others, if they would let me (some people dont want help or are in too much of a funk).  I still loved others deeply, but they weren’t looking down on me anymore.  It was a weird transition.  I didn;t care being mocked or teased, if it was funny i’d not just play along but enjoy it.  But now I was sharp in my mind and tounge,  as it showed.   Some people didn’t know how to adjust.  And I found no one agreed with exaltly what I believed, even my closest allies. Maybe I was wrong, but no one had arguments that I felt were compelling enough to change my mind.   And I was a very obstinant man when I came to a conclusion.  This, coupled with the fact I learned that I couldn’t trust anyone, as no one could save me, not even myself, lead to to a epiphany.  It would be a lonely, stuggling life as I sought to follow God all the way.  I was ultimately prepared to walk life alone.  No wife, no family, no friends.  As long as I had Christ, I was good.   I was even prepared to be betrayed by the people I loved most, even my brothers, mother, and father.   As the good book saith in psalm 27:10 “If my father and mother forsake me, the lord with take me in.”  I still hoped and prayed for the best, but I was bracing myself for the worst.  I found that I would always be alone, and this gave me peace when I accepted it.  

I think ive come to a reazation why im so weird and why so many people, even those who like me think I am.  Plenty of times, too many, ive been talking to someone and they’ve straight up told me ‘you’re so weird.  I like you, but your werid.”  And ive struggeld immensly with this, although ive think I’ve come to terms.  But the reason is simple: There were many times I was just trying to connect with people, so I wouldnt care what I said, to a certain point (I had my limits).  I wanted tou badly for people to open up to me, even just a little as friends.  So I may have been weird to try to get something out of them, with varying level of success.  Some people, I dont wanna talk to and be left alone.  I may enjoy a brief chat, but I want little more.  Maybe that’s how everyone feels about me, so maybe this is all overanalyzing.  Or maybe they just dont want to talk for various other reasons.  I think the lonliness and rejection broke me, because ive been more open to talking to just about anyone, and people I would ussually wanna avoid ive wanted a chat from, if they were open.    Most people dont know how to converse (or they just wanna be left alone).   Most people dont wanna open up or know how to talk about themselves in the right balance sort of way (there certainly is a wrong way to talk about yourself, especailly depending on your audience.  Im sure that’s me sharing my depression stories over the years (I was just trying to help)).  Or they just dont wanna.  Or maybe its to too painful or they have been mocked or rejected too much for opening up even just about their interests.   And it seems people rarley want to talk about what I want to talke about.    Trust me, ive tried so hard to reach so many people, but they have some kind of wall, to differing degrees.   So ive learned to joke, to have humour.  Which many see as weird type of humor.  They laugh, but still, it is weird, I agree sometimes.  It seems to be one of the few things all people will accept.  It definitely took me a while to develop humour that even kinda made sense and could somewhat pass for funny.   But its worked.  Ive been able to talk to people, to hold conversations talking about things that dont matter, even if they didn’t want to talk about deeper things.  And most people that have little or nothing to say, will open up more if I joke.  But I think even talking to these passerbys of life more wouldn’t solve my problem.

All this trying to talk to people, especially the young beautiful girls my age, is because I want something deeper and more.  However, I think I want it in just one relationship in this earth (and maybe a close friend or two).  That’s probably why people wont open up, theyve got other people they actually care about to talk too.  I obviously cant have deeper relationships with most people anyway, as none of them would satisfy me.  I want a deeper relationship  with a beautiful girl who belongs to me and I belong to.    Im looking for a lifelong companion.  Someone who gets me, and I get.  Who I can share with my weights, griefs, and sturggles, as well as the good things, my intrests, my hopes, and the things I love.  I figure the main thing a couple does is converse, and I can listen and talk pretty well in my opinion.  Just talking to beautful girl makes me extremly happy, so can you imagine if I had a beautiful girl that actually liked me and wanted something to do with me?  And who actually believed like me and really loved Jesus to the point she dedicated her whole life to Him (albeit without having that fake religiousness)? I think I would be beyond cloud 9.   I dont even think the depression could keep me down.  Lord, bring me a special girl who will walk the straight and narrow with me with joy, strength, and humility.  

Although I am very picky about the tpye of girl I want, i.e. her personality, belieifs, and attributes and so on, I am also very picky about the more vain things, if you will.  I want no girl that has weird color hair, any piercing (maybe in the lower earlobe, but preferably not) and definatly no tattoes (mostly religious stuff for that last two).  I deisre someone that doesn’t dress loose at all.  No revealings, please, have a little deceny.  I dont need every other man eyeing her up cause she dresses so loose and I wanna try to keep my mind on things other than her body.   And yes, yoga pants are not attractive; its downright embaressing for everyone, even if it is confortable.  At least dont wear them in public.  And the shorter the shorts, the more revealing the shirt, the more it screams: I have little to no morals and believe there is nothing wrong with fornication.    Lastly, yes, you can have to much make-up and too much of a tan.  It actually looks kinda gross.   I dont think ill ever understand why women dress the way they do.  What kind of man do they want pursueing them?   Or who are they trying to impress?  If they complain that men only care about looks, why do they care so much?  I dunno anything, Im just an innocent observer.  I suppose I shouldnt try to understand a  being that admits they can’t make up their mind on what the’re gonna wear.  I shouldn’t try to help people who openly say they are always right.  What the point?  Im just telling you the way I feel and how im so picky.  This all doesn’t mean they cant dress actractive or try to look good.  I like women that are attractive and look good, believe me.   I just dont find dressing like a loose women, overdoing it, or doing weird things to your body that God never intended or desires to be attractive, that’s all.  I am just very, very picky about my women.   I want a exceedingly great beauty who is the whole package, and as much as I desire a companion, I dont wanna settle for less even if I am lonley.  Its one of the main reasons I dont have a girlfirend, my expectations are very very high.  Ive seen women make life hell, so ill just be patient and trust God will send me an angel.  

Once at a walking path I go on with my dog, I saw a beautiful women in the distance with two kids.  So I walked the opposite way, hoping to avoid them.  Yet on the way back, we crossed paths.  My dog was off the leash, and he loved little kids because he was a little guy.  I had to talk to them, against my will, so I was friendly.  Although I tried not to look, she was beaitufl, even if she had a slight nose thing, maybe (I really couldnt tell, I was trying not to look, okay?).  And she dressed so normal, not trying to hard (probably becaese she was a mom and couldnt care less.  But hey, she wasn’t wearing yoga pants, so kuddos to you).  She just had a natural beauty that I couldnt disregard.  She asked a few questions about my dog, and said he was precious with such kindness and sweetness.  And I could tell she  loved kids, or at least was invested, as I noticed not just the two well behaved kids, but a bag with kids finger prints, showing she was committed to raising these youngsters.   A womanly woman who loved kids!  That’s my kind of girl.  I kept it breif, let the kids pet my dog, told them they had good taste in their captian america and spiderman apperal and told them to enjoy the weather.  I tried to keep it very beif, it was too hard on me.  I was heartbroke and fell into a mini depression because I reminded me of what I didn’t have and so desperatly wanted.  All it did was remind me of a my dreams and hopes that I was trying to forget about yet were always on my mind.  I had not a sweet, kind, beautiful girl to call my own.  One to talk to, go on walks with, to really get to know and enojoy life with.  I had no wife to raise a family with, and no kids to guide, be there for, to show the right path and love and cherish  more than any other.  It seemed farther away than years past.  It seemed the longer I lived, the more distant my dreams became.

I was definatley trying to do everything the right way with women.  I tried my best not to look at them, and if I saw a beautiful women, I tried to be polite, courteous, and leave them alone.  Most of them had a man with them or kids, so I kept my distance.  The single ones that looked like they were my type, instead of filling me with excitement or hope, only left sorrow and despair.  I just assumed they werent worth my time, that they were just like every other girl.  I assumed that either they were loose sexually and had already lost their viriginity, or they were an overreligious hypocrite who would make my life miserable.  I had come to assume the worst in all people, esepcailly women.  I still thought they could be kind, and decent, but I knew they were not good enough for me to spend a lifetime with.   Even if I tried to think that maybe they were decent, I thought how strong I was in my beliefs and how the chances of me finding a girl that actually agreed with me and could tolerate me was astronomical.  I put it into the hands of God, believing that He could find me a gem.  It helped to think that God was on the throne, was all powerful, and He would find me that lifelong compaion.  Becasue of this, I prayed for the most beautiful, most amazing girl I could everday for years.   I figure i’d only get one wife in life, and if God was gonna find me one, He might as well make her worthwhile.  And I prayed I would develop into a great man so I could be an equally great husband and father.  I still prayed she’d be my better half, and maybe that’s why my expectations were so high.  

About a week later, I had another random encounter with the other kind.  I was just randomly stocking up on some hunters sausage that this local ice cream placed stocked.  I went in expecting to grab it and go, which I did.  But there happened to be an attractive girl there, who looked about college age amybe a little past.  I randomly asked what she was doing there and why she wasn’t in school, as it was the beginning of fall.  She told me she was a junior in college and was taking online classes.   I was feeling down, as I had just read an arcitle about how “How people should commit suicide as an ethical act.”   And it was a white professer in America!  Im not going to get into that, but I will tell you it weighed heavy on my heart.   But I left this ice cream shop and on the way home started thinking, she didn’t have green or pink hair (it was blonde), she had no tattoes (at least visable), and no weird pericings.  She seemed like a nice, decent humna being.  I had been crying about not finding a girl, maybe I should just talk to her and see what she was like, at the least.  I realized I didn’t have a sepecific ice cream that only they carry, so I fugured id get a pint for when I needed it.  So drove back there.

On the way back, as I wierdly always do, I envised things to say or how the converstaion would go.  It never goes in person as it does in my mind.  Just like in middle school, id think of so much to say to my crush, but none of it got said or went the way envisioned.  Here, I just wanted to talk to her, to kinda have a decent conversation.  I didn’t even plan on asking her out, unless we really connected.  But I honestly didn’t think it would go anywhere.  It was my day off, I had no friends, and I said, screw it, ill talk to this random girl I met.  I knew it might be weird for me to come back after leaving, but at this point, I was so low, I just wanted to talk to someone other than my mom.  When I got there, I told her what I wanted and we talked a little.  I found out she was going to a Chritiain college, and I must admit I was a little excited.  I asked what she was going there for and she said worship leader.  My first thought was, great, another woman pastor, I want no part with this witch.  

I was quiet a few seconds, until I realized (or she said) it was the music leader.  I still didn’t care for that, but I tried to be friendly, and told her I loved the old hymns.  When I asked if she liked contemporary songs or the older hymns, she said contemperary.  I definatly didn’t want much to do  with this girl.  But I thought, ah, she could still be cool.  And I still wanted a good conversation, so I told her my dad was a pastor and started talking about how the I wish Chrisitains were more united and touched on how the church needed reform ( I think that’s all I said on that).  I could tell I lost her completely and she wanted me gone.   Before I left,  I told her a the briefest testamony about how I had bipolar 13 years and friday was the last day for my medince I showed her my medcine cylander.  I told her how happy I was and how God is good.  I said I didn’t mean to bother her, but I was just excited about it (I thought another Christian would be excited too).   She said she liked to hear that stuff, but it seemed like she just wanted me gone.  I must admit, I was a little monotone and depressed about how white people are supposed to just kill themselves, so I may not have shown much to be excited about.  It probably was just my fault, escpecially since I left and came back (that can mean a lot of things, and there certainly are a lot of creeps out there).   But it was just more evidence that it would take a miracle just to find a girl that would want anything to do with me.  It was proof that I was right to not talk to those girls I passed by or was interested in.  Even the Christian ones didn’t care to even talk to me or get excited when I wanted to talk about the things of God.  

I slumped a little aroundt his time.  When I was interested in that girl with a lisp, I found it easy to not even look at other girls.  Even if I glanced, i’d think in my mind the girl I liked looked better.  But when I found out she couldnt be my girl, I ever so slightly slipped back into to checking girls out a little.  I knew not to look at girls, that I was looking for something more than most girls had, and that God would find me a companion and lover for life.  Even so, some girls were just to tempting to not turn my head and look.  I felt bad and asked God to help me stay pure and forget about women.  I often felt lonesome for companionship with a beautiful women, to get to know them in a deep peronsal way.  But, I realized it would be a long time yet.  I knew how rare a good women is in any age, especailly in todays age where they teach women to be everything but women.  I told myslef to just be patient and “seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.” Christ heard my daily cries, He had a plan for me, a soul mate that would get me (at least I prayed and hoped for a women that was perfect for me).   Yet I knew it would take more time, and as much I wanted to be done and felt like I was ready to move on with life, and as much as I wanted that special girl, I still hadn’t fully conquered my demons and knew I wasn’t ready. 

I’d Rather Have Jesus 

Rhea F. Miller

1 I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold; 
I’d rather be His than have riches untold; 
I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands. 
I’d rather be led by His nail pierced hand 

Than to be the king of a vast domain 
Or be held in sin’s dread sway. 
I’d rather have Jesus than anything 
This world affords today.

2 I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause; 
I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame. 
I’d rather be true to His holy name [Chorus]

3 He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom; 
He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb; 
He’s all that my hungering spirit needs. 
I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead [Chorus]

Chapter XI

Homo cogitat, Deus iudicat.

  • Translation: Man proposes but God disposes.
  • Meaning: Things often don’t turn out as you have planned.  
  • “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  Isiah 55:8-9

While I was on the cusps of vicory, I still struggled with so much.  I reckoned I would always screw up in some way or another and could never be perfecly pleasing to God.  Either I’d get mad for something stupid, say something I shouldn’t, or do something wrong, daily.  It was heartbreaking to me, cause I wanted so bad to do everything right for Christ and to give Him everything.  But I think, it’s not about being perfect, its about being faithful and repenting when we do mess up.  And boy did I mess up, even after all these years of lessons and exepriecne.  Not to mention, I still strullged sinning lustfully.  There was one week I was really struggling with everything, the emotions, the lonliness, and the frustrations of life.  This lead me to masturbate three times in one week.  At this point I was going at least a week between sins.  So it made me feel terrible.  There were times I felt so awful, I apologized ahead of time for sinning, and told God I just needed this sin at this time.  What a wretched soul I am!  To make matters worse, I was staying up until 2-3 am every day.  This is was soley to make it so I was dead tired and fall alseep fast without temptation of sin.  However, my mom sometimes heard I was awake (sometimes Id come downstairs for something) or id tell her how late I was up when she asked and she’d get mad at me.  She was trying to help me, I get it.  And I feel bad because sometimes I got a little snippy with her (even mad sometimes) as I didn’t want her harping on me about how I needed to get sleep.  Mom, I wasn’t staying up just to stay up.  I was trying to beat this hypersexualism.  I wasn’t trying to disregard your words at all, even though I was in my twenties and had it all under control.  I get I had a mental breakdown and you were just being caring and trying to help.  But I needed to do this, even if I didnt  want to.  But when I satyed up late, I ussually layed on the floor for at least an hour and (mostly, sometimes my mind wandered) prayed to Christ about everything. 

There was confort knowing that Christ was with me, my counselor who always had an ear my way.  Things often made little sense to me, but just venting to Him about my confusion gave me confort and peace.  I was maybe a little too blunt with Him sometimes, going as far as venting how I felt I was getting little out of the Bible from reading it to much (dont worry mom, its rare I miss a day without reading the good word) and even saying church was boring.  I still aknowledged His command to not forsake the assmebly of the brethen, and to honor the sabbath so I kept going and asked He help me enjoy it more and quite having a complaining heart.  Ussually, when I told him where I was at, I didn’t find the answers I was looking for.  Rather, I found the answers that I needed or realized it wasn’t important.   It was still good just to tell someone, even if I didn’t hear audible words back.  Believe me, there were times I asked if any of it even mattered, if my little talks were even pleasing in His eyes.  I guess He already knows everything, so im sure He’s just glad someone’s being completley honest, even if said person didn’t always know how or what he felt.  

Above all though, I tried to put things into perspective and realize how lucky and fortunate I was.  I had been praying to live a lifestyle of thanksgiving, to always be thankful no matter what(thanks to a great sermon I once heard by my dad).  There were times I struggled, sure.  But overall, I was amazed how fast I could go from frustration to thanfulness.  I was under more control of my emotions, and myself than I had ever been (although it was easier for the rage to come out, on acount I lost much fear, but I think I did pretty well).  Some things that would normally bother me didn’t even cross my mind.  I was finally compitent and wasn’t spending my time mulling over my mistakes or what I loser I was.  My mind was always churning, but now it wasn’t wasted on useless comtemplations (or worse).    Instead I thanked God for the might works He had done for me, and the knowedlge and understanding He had given me.              

Despite all this, I still had my struggles.  Even though I thought I had made a breakthrough with my depression and lust, they always seemed to return.  Just a month after I had finally felt geniune, deep happiness, I got constatntly depressed again.  From time to time it was heavy, but ussually it was bearable.  I felt no one was there for me, and I realized something.  No one could be there for me.  I had to walk alone, and I had to carry this weight alone.  I often questioned everything, from my faith to why I was holding on.  Why did I want to live?  Was it worth it with all the pain?  The Bible rarely conforted me at this time, people rarely helped me, and life was boring and painful.   What did I have going for me?  Did I really believe in this Almighty Being I had never seen or heard?  Why had He not answered my prayers that I had been praying for decades?   The pain was so unbareable, I often cried out that God would just end my life, and take me before I lost all hope or worse, before I left Him, the one person I could go to and the main person I was forging ahead for.  Was it worth it?  I even told Him I didn’t even care if I was great in His eyes, or if I had wealth in heaven.  I just wanted my pain and my hypersexualism to go away.  I told Him I was arrogant to want to be a close friend of His, as He was Almighty God.  Therefore, I told Him it’d be fine if I was the trillionith closest to Him, I just wanted to make it to paradise with Him.   I think, though, even in my dark moments, I knew God was doing this for my good.   Although I couldn’t see or hear Him, and despite the fact He felt more distant than He had in ages, I knew He loved me.  I thought of all the ways I had gotten better and all the blessings He had bestowed upon me.  And I thought to myslef how I must still have both faith and hope that it would work out- that is why I hadn’t killed myslef.  I believed it could get better because I knew there was a God and had seen myslef come so far in so many ways.  And I figured I couldn’t kill myslef.  After all I had been through, I couldn’t walk back now.   The intense pain was proof I was destined for a mighty calling.  Woe is me if I reject that calling, or weasel my way out of it.   And looking back objectectively, I found things to be thankful for, and realized how great I had it.  I still had a family that loved me, and I had gotten better.  God would bring me through it,  He doesn’t do things halfway.   I had to believe it was true.  I had come so far, and there was no turing back.  And even if the future had worse hells to go through, God would prepare me to handle them.  Yet that is exactly what I was worried about.  That my whole life would be a non stop life of hell.  But I trusted God, and He still had been so good to me, even through it all, I knew He would bring some good times of rest, even if my life would be mostly hell.  Thy will be done Father.  

During these latter years of intese pain, I lost my will to sing.  I ussually croaked horribly, but I had immense heart and with great volume.  Even the early dark years, I had still croaked with great enthusiam.  I’m mostly talking about Church, but I sang other times too.  But now, I just barely had the voice to sing a song.  And when I did, it was a soft, somber voice, with little volume.  Almost everyone in my family let me know about this many times.  Some even got mad and asked why I didn’t sing as loud, trying to encourage me by saying they liked my awful singing because I had heart (yes they let me know it was awful, but they said the liked it cause it had heart).   I certainly wanted to sing again, and with heart, but I just couldn’t.  My heart was too heavy.   I just had failed God too many times, and felt like the bad guy.  And the depression and lonliness just overwhelmed me at times.  I couldn’t fake my singing,i just couldn’t.  One day ill sing to God with a happy heart again.  It will still sound awful, but it’ll be loud and have a lot of heart.  One day.  

Around this time, I was getting into music heavily again, and it was really helping me.  Both in the good and bad times, secular music help stablize and comfort me.  Yet me parents were so against the music of the world, I felt guilty.  They didn’t prohibit it, but it was cetainly frowned upon.  And we knew it.  I rememeber thinking, how can I say I want to please God in everything, I mean everyhting I do, big, small, and everything in between, and not be listening to the music that praises or magnifies Him?  Am I a hypocrite for that?  Is it wrong to listen to non-chrsitain songs, ever?  Is it wrong even once in a little while?  It was such a struggle, because especailly with me being such an emotional guy (even bofore the breakdown), and everything going on in my life and the country, this secular music helped me tremendously.  I hate to say it, but oftentimes, it helped more than the rich Christain hymns.  I figured its because I am a terrible, wreched person, and that’s why I enjoy the secualr music.  Unholy music for an unholy man.  If I was a holy, just man, I would probably love the great hymns.  It made sense.  So I kept struggling with it.  If I was a good man, a man who followed and loved God, wouldn’t I enjoy His holy music more?

  I had earlier just come to the conclusion that I disagreed with my parents- secular music can help.  I thought how they could have have christisan themes like Simon and Garfunkles “bridge over troubled water,” where they talk about being there for a friend.  Even heavy rock music helped me in times of despair. You have no idea how many countles times I quoted the killers song “all these things that i’ve done.”  I’d say (sometimes sing.  Somtimes something in between) it when I wanted death, when everything was unbearable: “if you cant hold on, if you can’t hold on, if you cant hold on- hold on.”  There were so many times I felt I couldn’t hold on, like I wouldn’t make it to the next day and I wished death more than anything.  But those words, those precious words, just saying them gave me that little comfort that made it so much more bearable.  I couldnt hold on, but I held on anyway because that’s what they said to do.   It gave me strength.  Despite all this, I still felt guilty of listening to any non-christain music.  I wanted to honor my parents, to do what was right in their sight.  And I did listen to Christian hymns and love and cherish many of them (I even memorized many).  But the hatred they had for non-holy music made me ashamed.  Although they never said this, I thought this: how could I be perfecly pleasing to God, if I listened to music that was not pleasing to Him?  Does God really hate any music that isn’t Holy?  If it helps me in times of trouble, why is it bad?  I even rememeber one of my dad’s stories he’d share over and over again.  How a goup of kids were riding in a vehicle in the 1970’s (ithink) and listening to currnet secular music.  An angel appeared in the car and said something like “this music you’re listening to isn’t good.  The Christain songs are much better.”  I dwelled on this so often it hurt.  How could an angle be against secular music, and I be for it?  There must be something wrong with me, who am I to challenge a holy angel?  But the music helped so much, and how was it really bad?  How did it harm my soul?  It didn’t make sense…  

I think I understood that good, Christian hymns were benificial to our spiritual growth, as well as a praise to God.  I’m talking about the rich hymns of yesteryear, not the cruddy new age trash.  That stuff isnt fit for the sewers.  But the old hymns I really do love, their words expound upon truths of Scripture and help give us understading.  Especially in times of trouble, the right song can really give encouragement and comfort, as any good truth does in tough times.  And I think I understand that when we sing or listen to these holy songs of praise, we are giving glory and prase to the Almighty.  Even with all that said, I still feel there are times I need some secular music.  Maybe its because I’m not that holy, or am just a dark man of the world.  But certain songs help me in times of stuggle.  And even if they are heathen songs, sometimes they still incorperate truths of life that aid me in the battle of life.  Truth is truth, doesn’t matter who says it.  And Christ is the Truth, with Christinity being based in reality.   Now im not saying Church’s should be playing Bob Dylan.  Keep that which is Holy Holy.  But I think there is a place and time for other types of music in life (except maybe most rap music, that stuff is hot garbage.)   When I was praying hard about this, I read too verses that maybe enlightened me  a little.  “To the pure all things are pure.” titus 1:15 and “render to ceasar the things that are ceasars, and to God the things that are God’s” mark 12:17.  Now, I it is important to use wisdom with these verses.  Don’t sin in lust or coveteousness, that is not pure.  And although it is okay to apperciate non-Christain media, honor and respect the things of God as Holy and superior, and mix not that which is Holy with filth.   Despite these revaltions, I still had guilt over my music, and prayed God would show me if He wanted me to quit listening to it.  I prayed God would have His way and, even against my will, if He wished me to only to listen and sing Holy songs I would not just do it but only it would be my hearts desire and joy.  

As long as im admitting all my sins (confessions of a madman, right?).  Ill admit I downloaded too many illegal songs in my day.  If the scummy music corperations wanna come after me for that, I guess I reap what I sow.  Lowlife of lowlife, riffraff of riffraff, I downloaded music illegally.  Guilty as charged.  Have mercy on the scum of the earth, oh magnanamous music industry!  But I will remind them that they screw over their artists in so many ways, they;re the real criminals.  We need so much reform in all of society, and the music industry is no different.   Now, in my defense, I did get many songs from my brothers, and eventually I got most from the public library (if that’s even legal).  But that still just didn;t sit right with me.  I wanted to own my music the right way, even if it didn’t really matter to most of society.  So, while working a part time job, and still living from home, I bought hundreds of albums, some I never downloaded, to kinda let go of that guilt a little and sorta atone.   It didn;t change the past, but I was trying to get straight, even on a useless issue no one probably cares about.   I always planned on buying some, and I must say, I enjoyed owning a physical copy of my so many great albums I loved.  Maybe it didn’t really do anything, but it was cool to see those albums physically.  And many of the albums I downloaded that I never really listened to, I gave a crack at, and almost always enjoyed.   Im pretty proud of my collection, even if it reminds me of my criminal past.

Another nagging guilt of mine that always was on the rear of my mind was a borrowed item.  Im ussually pretty good about returning items borrowed.  One time I burrowed Soul Caliber 2 for the gamecube and moved before I could give it back to a kid I went to school with.  If he can remember that, and provide a school photo (I remember his name) ill give him $120 to make things even.  I would like to square out that borderline crime, but that’s not the one that always haunted me.  No, it was far more significant of an item, and the gravity of it all wighed heavy on my soul for over a decade.  A fellow church memebr had the most coveted item I desired at the time, an item that would change the course of the entertainment world and old folks homes forever: the nintendo wii.  Say what you want about the system, it was all the rage at the time, and I still enjoy the great catalouge of games to this day (btw metroid other m was and is a great game.  Dont get me started.  Ohh I could have a youtube channel just on nintendo and never run out of things to talk about, if I cared enough).  Im sure I nerded out too many people there, but yes, im a nintendo fanboy.   This is a confessional book about the worst of me, so there.  I enjoy childish fun.  Bite me.  Im the loser manchild who enjoys nintendo, looked down by society.  I like my video games fun no matter how reprehensable they may be to others, thank you very much.   Call me your worst, and I just might suprise you how much lower I can sink.  I never intended to put any of this in the book, but here it is.

Anyways, dude says we can borrow the wii, but cant have it.  He says we cant have it emphatically, so I always intent to give it back.  Now my parents wont buy us anything video game related due to their hatred of it.  So this was an incredibel gesture to a freshmen (I think, maybe 8th grader, can’t remember) who had no job and little savings and no real friends to hang out with outside of school (specially not ones that were loser enough to play nintendo.  I doubt hardly anyone of my school friends realized I was a closet nintendo fan.   Gotta keep a cool image, you know how it is).   I bought so many games over the years with the few savings I had.  I enjoyed the heck outta that little thing.  But I always intended on giving it back.  When I got a job years later, I even bought anohter wii for myself.   I dreaded contacting this guy, espcailly because my dad and this guy had a nasty falling out.  Eventually, I manned up and contacted him on my dad’s phone.  It made sense to use my dad’s phone, believe me.  I texted him, made sure it was the right guy, and was ready.  I was ready to offer him the price of a xbox series x or ps5.  I wasn’t just ready, I was expecting to.  I had the money and was gonna ask if he wanted a check or paypal or something.   I even looked up the fees for paypal transfer.  I figured it was better to get right and do things the right way.   Way I saw it, I had stole his item by borrowing it for too long and deprived him of the joys it brought.  So I was hoping he’d settle for $600.  Im dead serious about all of this.  

I texted him, and he was just happy to hear from us.  So I told him the situation, and he said I owed him nothing, it was a gift.  He said he wouldn’t have used it anyway.  He just wanted to know how my dad was doing and wanted to talk to him.  I was relieved, but also befuddled and a little upset.  I didn;t get justice.  I wanted to pay off this crime, this guilt that so often was in the center of my mind.  So many times in prayer this crime I had committed came up and I asked God to look past it.  I asked how God felt about it and if it even mattered.  I often wondered if I was completley following God or really doing all I could to please Him when I had stolen, in a way in my mind, this system.  To say it troubled me was an understatement.  And I didn’t want to face the wrath of this guy for stealing his system, so I always tried to postpone the innevitable rage.   I did feel kinda relieved to get it over with, but the feelings were mixed.   I know what he said, and rememebr his words clearly. We were never supposed to keep it, he wanted it back.  Just like the music, I feel like there was no justice.  I felt like I could never truly atone for those crimes, even if I payed him or even though I bought all that music.    I’m not joking about any of this at all.  Laugh it up, people, laugh it up.  I truly felt terrible for all of this.  And now I feel terrible for a $50 game I still have.  I think that’s the last thing I stole, im positive.  Yet for the small crime or the big, God could forgive.  And I think in the grand scheme of things, as bad as I felt, it really was not a big deal at all.  I just felt like it was.  I felt horrible for years over this.  Not as nearly as bad as my hypersexualism, which I wanted to kill myself for, but certainly the guilt was there.  

I often question if I was anything in the eyes of God.  After all, He was the Almighty Creator, creating billions of human souls, and, in my uneducated estamate at least, billions of angels.  And not to mention He created all things both seen and unseen, which, if youve ever looked at nasa photos, just the little bit we humans have seen is pretty huge.  I wondered if I could get lost in the shuffle.  Maybe not forgotten, but certainly overlooked.  After all, who am I?  I worked a part-time job, still lived with my parents, and certainly didn’t have anyhting to boast about for my spiritual accomplishments.  But I hapchance stumbled on a youtube video of the famous artist Akiane Kramarik, and her marvolous painting of the Prince of Peace.  At first, I was amazed at the beauty and depth of the painting.  And hearing her story of seeing visions of the heavenly realm was fascinating.  However, it made me wonder, although I had told Christ I desired not to see Him or hear His voice directly (due to His Terrifying Holiness), what great vision had I seen?  Or what is something miraculous that I had experienced?  This child had seen visions of the Heaven! I had no such experience of the kind.  Frankly, I was a little jealous.  

At this time, I was tied to a constant battle of doubt about worth and closeness before God.  I wanted to be someone close and special to God.  But I wondered if I even could.  I wasn’t a great saint who did miracals or led thousands to Chrsit.  I didn’t even assist to teach a youth group (honestly, I felt I had a pretty big plank in my own eye).  I was nothing, and I knew I was nothing.  So I often wondered if I was anything special to God.  I mean, truly special (one of those if everyone is special, no one is).  Sure, I knew Christ loved each and everyone of us so dearly He was willing to suffer and die for us.  This should have been enough.  But it was often head knowedge.  I was just another of His creation.  At best, I was someone He had saved and healed.   Dont get me wrong, words cannot express how thankful I am for the miracles He has done for me.  This should have been enough, believe me, I know, but I still struggled with it.  I’m not this great saint, let alone a great man.  And I’m barely a man, still very much dependent on others just to get by.  But, after thinking about the artwork, it hit me, my healing and my deep walk with Christ were proof that I was extremely important to Chrsit.  He deeply cared about me individually.   This was my vision of heaven, so to speak, only better.  How many people can say they ever completely beat bi polar?  Or conquered hypersexualsim? I was definantly on the cusp of both of those.   Not to mention the precious truths he had revealed to me.  So I thanked God.  How foolish and dense could I be?  The answer had been right in front of me.  For me to go through what I had and overcome it, yes, I was special to God.   We are all special since we are made in the image of God.  Is not an infinate God big enough to love each and everyone of us in an intimate, special way as if we were His only child?  But its what we do with our lives and before the Almighty that determins if we are truly special.  I will need to live a life worthy of the Christ and His suffering to truly be close and special to Him.  And the more close and special I want to be, the more suffering I must endure.  How much do I really love Him?  So, I’ll have to ask myslef, do I really want that?  Would I be willing to give up the pleasures of this earth He asks, forsake anyone He asks, and even take up my cross to the point of martyrdom to show my love for Chist if that is His will?  I suppose we will find out by my lifetime of actions.  Even so, Let it be so, Lord, Let is be so.  

Although I hadn’t want to teach or lead due to the huge plank in my own eye, I still wanted to help people.  Since my time in college, when I began to see and feel my own healing, I tried to share with people my experience with depression and bi-polar.  Never about the lust, as I was too ashamed and guilty.  But I had no trouble admitted I was a wierdo who had a mental breakdown.  Maybe that’s why it was easy for me to admit: I knew I was weird and maybe it would help explain that.  But I think ive just always been eccentric.  Anyways, I tried explaining to people my pains and sufferings, sometimes proudly to give Glory to God.  Even if they didn’t know, I knew and could tell what a drastic change occurred.  Even when I still recovering, I could tell the progress I was making, and wanted them to know God was real and could heal.  Ussually I to tried to help people if I found out they were suffering, and share with them what God had done for me.  Ussually they couldn’t care less as most people didn’t.  I think they had too much going on and, like I said, I was weird.  Maybe its just to hard to talk to with a stranger.  It seemed like few, if any, cared that I overcame such tremendous trials.  Maybe a little sypathy, but they moved on and cared little.  To be fair, there were some that were really compassionate and kind to me about it.  However, some even teased, albeit behind my back, as I overheard some saying you could be sure id let everyone know about it.  I was just trying to help, to give them hope, to let them know God does care.  So I shut up about it, mostly.  Sometimes I was just too grateful, like when I was almost off my medicine, and just wanted someone to share in my happiness about overcoming my depression. 

The more I think about it though, what were they supposed to say?  What could they have said?    Mental illness is such a tough concpet to understand viserally.   How can they feel what ive felt?  How will they know just how bad it was for me, our anyone that’s stuggled with anything.  They can sypathize, but its tough to grasp, especailly if youve never known or met anyone that really stuggled or seen them struggling at their worse.    Phyical injuries are easy to comprehend.  Paraplegic you feel horrible they can’t walk, blind me you wish they could see, and you can sympathize with people who are have broke an arm or leg.  But mental illness?  Good look even identifying us.  And if you do, how do you know how we feel?  Our pain and sturggle?  Its hard to explain depression.  Sure we’ve all been depressed about somethings.  But deep, neverending depression that wont leave and zaps your strength, making you contiplate if life is even worth it, how many people have really felt that?   Besides, would anything they said have satisfied me or done anything for me?  What was I even trying to accomplish by sharing?  This was my task, my path that had been chosen by God.  I had to bear the weights, and there was little they could have done.  I think the best thing they did was just treat me as normal, laugh if I was funny, and just be a friend if they were one.   And although I hoped to help people who struggled like me, no one seemed to need my help.

I will say, as much as it felt like no one needed my help, many did.  But I think as much as I wanted to, I really just wasn’t ready.   I still hadn’t fully overcome my struggles.  One girl speficially showed me how much people were suffering, even when others couldnt tell.  She was a young high schooler who I rarely talked to.  Every now and then I may have said hi, or asked her how she was doing, but that was rare.  She was always chipper and upbeat: a real go getter.  One day, she was leaving work, and I think I just asked her how things were going with everything.  She was a high schooler and working heavy hours, and I was amazed she could keep up with schooling and work, on top of all the things she said she did like sports and weight lifting.    We started talking, and she just opened up completely about how hard everything was.  Her home life was tough, her parents had divorced (even if It was long ago, the effects still lingered) and I think she was the oldest.   I’ll spare you the excruciating detials (they were heartbreaking) but she had a lot of pain and trouble just there.   On top of that, school was stressing her out, and she was trying to get ready for college stuff.  To pile on more, she felt she had mental issues but her parents wouldn’t let her get checked out.  There was more too, like with work and her boyfriend.   I was amazed she was so strong, and would have never guessed any of this if she hadn’t opened up.

Man, my heart went out to this poor girl.  She was balling in front of me, and I wanted to help her out so badly.  I tried to give her the best advice I could.   I asked if there was anyone she could talk to, a teacher, family member, anyone, but she really didn’t have anyone for one reason or another.  At this time, I was struggling with so much of my own pains, I didn’t know what I could do to help.  Along with my depression and mental issues, I was very lustful at the time and I found her attractive, so I didn’t want to get invovled.   She kept crying and I wished there was something I could do.  Embaressingly, I had a, uh, man thing going on (although I was listening intently) and so I just held out my hand and clentched hers tightly, trying to tell her things would be okay, trying to confort her with kind words.   She calmed down and went home before her mom got mad for her coming home too late.  I was crushed about the pour soul.  I prayed hard for her from time to time for a season. 

 Later, she did get her work schedule fixed, so she was able to relieve that stress it seemed.  She seemed to  be doing better as the months went on, and I think she genuinly did have some victory.  I found out later she was a conservative (seems like the friendliest, sincerest, and most forthright people always are).  I told her how cool that was and tried to tell her to be strong and not let them bring her down for being a female conservative.  When we got to the nitty gritty of beliefs, she was open and candid, sharing what she believed with enthusiam.  But when I opened up about how I felt, I could tell she was taken a bit aback at the extemes I believed.  She seemed to distance herself from me after that, and was never as happy to see me when I said hi.   I still thought she was awsome though, and hope she lives out the dream she shared with me.  Hang in there.  If your reading this, I think you’re a great youngster, and know that you encouraged me immensly just by forging ahead, being so kind to me, and standing firm on your principles that society looks down on and despises.  Stay strong.  

There was another young folk I met by hapchance, years earlier.  Noah, I believe was his name.  I helped him at work when he was picking up something and for some reason we started talking about depression.  I dont know how depression got brought up, but I recall talking about how many people struggled with it, including me.  He said he struggled with it as well, and I told him my story.  He seemed receptive, and I told him if he wanted to talk some more or something, id be glad to.  I even gave him my number and anxiously awaited his call, hoping I could be there for someone that suffered like me.  Weeks, months, years, nothing.  And he skipped my mind until years later, I realized I did get some random over a period. However, I never answered calls from people I didn’t know, as I have a bad histroy of getting awful junk calls.  Either telemarketers or wrong numbers or an organization wants money (get wrecked republicans, you just wanna take away our freedoms slower than the democrats.  You stand for nothing by your actions.  Cowards.  Yet you demand we give you money.  How’s about you do something for your base like you say you will for once?).  When I first got a cell phone, I used to always get calls about some dude who the law was looking for.  Still remember his name.  And they’d call daily, multiple times.  I kept trying to tell them to stop, that I wasn’t that person and that I never heard of him.  But they persisted.  That was nightmare, and didn;t stop until I got a new number.  Those guys deserve to go to jail for the annoyance they caused me.  Whether this kid who had depression, noah, ever tried to call me is unbeknowest to me.  Hang in there buddy, and hopefully this book will help you a bit.  Note to future people trying to call me, text me if I dont know your number.  I dont like answering phone calls from people I dont know.  Been scarred to deep.  

At work, which was the main part of life were I had any meaningful social interactions besides my family, I had bonded with many people.  Although we never saw each other outside of work, I condidered many of them friends.  While some concured to a greater extent that others, many of the people I worked with shared many of my beliefs, like love of country,freedom, and morality, and hatred of the opression and totalitarinism over their beloved people.   It was extemely encouraging when not just many of the young men wholheartedly agreed, but a lot of the young women.  I always tried to encourgae them to be strong and not let the propaganda of the world brainswash them.   Maybe some of them were just being agreeable, but some of the things I said were so extreme, for them to not disagree shows they are at least open.   I had known some for about 2 years and got along great with them.  One was even a liberal, but he tolerated my pro amreican Christian extremism to the extent I could not just joke but have serious conversations about the issues with him.  I really liked the kid, I felt like he was trying to do what was right, but everything was telling him the wrong thing was right.  I saw him go from a timid, shy kid to someone comfertable in his own skin before my eyes.  It was fun to  see his growth as an individual and be his friend, even for such a short time.  Ironically enough, he was the least close in viewpoints among those I considered friends at work, yet I considered him one the closest friends I had at work, and one of the few people I wanted to be friends with outside of work.   One summer, he, along with a bunch of other kids left menards for good.   I think all of them went to college or the military.  I was happy for them, but heartbroken.  It felt like high school all over again.  The knowledge I wouldnt see these young men agian, and if I did, it would be brief passing by hit me hard.   I hope I shined a light towards them, to show them a little love in this cruel world, to let them know at least one person outside their family gave a damn about them.   Hopefully they saw that through all the jokes I gave them.  I even told a few of them I loved them in a heterosexual way when they left.  I think it just made it more weird when I put it like that, but I think they got the message.  Hopefully they have a good life and find the Savior.  Find them and keep them, along with all those I’ve considered friends, Lord of Spirits.  

Around this time, I still struggled with depression and lonliness.  I was happy for a few weeks in that summer, but nothing can keep this pos up too high for too long.   I was so low and the pain of depression got so sharp at times, I didn;t know where to turn.  I knew God had the power to heal me, but I didn’t know when He would.  Although it seemed like He always seemed to give me a repose emtionally for a season, I always seemed to return to the heavy weight.  I just didn;t understand why I kept falling back, why I was going 2 steps back for every step foreward.  And it seemed like I wasnt going anywhere with my life socially, bieng independent, or in victory with my demons.  I did think objectively and realized I had come so far in everyway, former list included, and gave thanks to God.  But I still struggled with the weight anyways.   Why was it taking so long?  What more did I need to suffer?  I didn;t want greatness if it meant more hell.  But deep down I knew I still wanted to be great in the eyes of God.  Deep down I knew I wanted this suffering if that’s what God wanted.  It was just so painful, it was so incredible hard.   Everything was overwheming, and seemed to have been for the majority of my life.  When would I finally reach a state of peace?  When would I finally be free from all the weights and depression and lusts?  I prayed hard, asking or rathing telling God all of this.  I looked for aswers by skimming through the Bible.  I found nothing for this moment.  By hapcahnce I  opened streams in the desert, a deviotional.  The date it was on happened to be about suffering.  To summerize, it said metal is tested with extreme heat until it breaks to tests its srength.  And God tests us with intense suffering to prove our worth.  Somehow, it did the trick.  I read other passages in the book about suffering and felt reinvigorated.  One was about how we envy others crosses, but dont realize God created us for a specific task is in our best intrests and actually less heavy than many others.  Its weird how just the right words can comfort us, even if we already know them.  I understood I had more hell to endure, and gave thanks to Almighty Christ for His mercy.   I told Him I trusted Him, even if little made sense at the time.  After all, I had gotten better in countless ways, and would be lying if I said I wasn’t happy with the work God had done in me so far.  And maybe it was my fault I keep suffering so much because I desired so much.  I kept praying to be wiser, stronger, more courageous, have more faith,  love God more, be more lowy, and be well pleasing to Almighty God in everyway.

I felt better after that, and had a good next few days.  However, at the time, the voices were coming back strong at night whilst alone.  I almost always ignored them, and when people were around they were nonexistant.  But when I was alone at night, they seemed to be more previalent.  As always, I could make out bits and pieces, but not full sentences or thoughts.   Now, I knew my mind wasn’t hearing things far away, beacsue I could be alone with no one else home, or alone elsewhere with no human or noise alone and still hear them.  Maybe ill do an experiment and be in a soundproof room to see if I hear them.  That’ll be the true test.  But I think ill still hear them.  Now after serious deliberation in my mind, I  figured it was either three things: 1) living humans had some technology that they could moniter me and get inside my head 2) demonic activity that disguised themselves as normal humans 3)my mind was making up these voices.  For most of my life, probably because they sounded so human with human emotion, speaking english, and seemed to carry on conversations about me always, I thought the most illogical.  I thought somehow people had technology to get into my brain while monitering me. 

  Why they would do this was obvious to me.  I had stuggled with homosexuality for a little back in the day by watching all that accursed gender bending porn.  So I figured the sick freaks out there would want a show were they monitered a closet homosexual in an old fasion Christian family unitl he came out.  Little did they know I was never gay and never will be.   Sure, I struggled with strange lusts at times, but I always was attracted to beautiful women.  And i’ve come so far beating it, im almost free of all the perverse lusts.  I  rarely get triggered by anything like I used to, and any non-heterosexual thought is next to nonexisnt.  Not to mention I am still extremely attrachted to beautiful women and they make me so happy seeing them smile and being around them.  I will even say, however, my lust for women is far less extreme.  And im mostly succeeding at not looking at the beautful women when I see them.  

My theory that there were sick and saddistic indivuals in my head was strong, as I saw people who even supported homosexuality being demented enough to do something like this.  At times, I tried to have a little fun with it, thinking they were real people, but they didn’t respond in any way.  I told them they were a bunch of aholes if they couldn;t even talk loud enough in my head  for me to hear them.  I even told them id be glad to talk to them in person, or on the phone, just for the heck of it.  I was lonely afer all.  But they didn’t.  This should have been a tell tell sign it their weren’t people in my mind, but I still feel actual humans are doing this fiendish experiment to this day, agianst my better judgemnt.  You have no idea how real it sounds.  Its like theres multiple voices holding converstaions.  There were times over the years I even raged at them so hard I threated to have them jailed for life.  Other times I pleaded they leave me alone, and leave my mind, and I wouln’t punish them at all.  I just wanted the voices in my head to leave.  If I was feeling good, id joke around and say things like, youve seen everything im going through, you know im lonely and would like a girlfriend, so throw me a bone.  Send a cute girl my way, one who agrees with my morals and who doesn;t have pink hair, face piercings, and a neck tatoo.  That’s the least they could do for me after all the hell they’ve casued.  If they acutally did find me a girlfriend I actally liked, I think id have forgiven them pretty easy and moved on.  But, of course no one has technology to go inside a mind, so im just a crazy mad man who believes a lie of the mind.  Or demon are in my head.

One night, I realized there werent people in my head, so I figured it was demons.  It made sense.  They were pretending to sound like humans and changing their voice to sound like men and women.  I felt I had finally realized a terrying revalation.  It seemed worse, but it seemed more logical.  I was at peace that night, feeling good, tired, and no urge to sin.  Until I realized it was demons.  Then I had weird thoughts about while not everything I believed was a lie, what I believed was just a warped version of the truth.  That God had never intended me to beat my lust, that He didn’t love me as much as I thought, and that the jews in heaven were angry with me for speaking bad about their people.   It was more of an emotional feeling than a intellictual thought, if that makes sense.  But it was so pugnent it overwhelmed me and trumped my intelligence.  I tried fighting it off, but it these emotions comusumed my mind and created thoughts from reasonings that stemped from the illogical lies.  Eventually, I felt the urge to sin, and after looking at porn and sinning, I came to my senses.  That last sentence doens’t make any sense, but that’s what happened.  I prayed for forgiveness, and my senses came back.  The first thought I had was that the martrys all died in vain, so the Bible had to be true, or their life’s were wasted.  And id been through to much and had so much victory, God couldn’t be lying to me.   It was impossible for God to lie.  And He had done so much good for me, and so many prayers were answered, He had to not just be real, but deeply care about me.  I had constatnly prayed God would take away the voices over the years, and ask Him to make the demons go away if that’s what they were even in the past.  But even after this experiecnce, or maybe due to it, I doubted if it was demons.  Maybe it was the sacriest possibilty, and I just didn’t want it to be true.  Or -maybe I didn’t want to believe God would allow demons to haunt me for such a long time.  Would that mean I was demon possessed?  Or that the demons had power over me?  Or worse, that I allowed them to be in my mind some way, because I didn’t have enough faith, or even more depressing, that I welcomed them in somehow by being so evil.   I didn;t want to believe this, it was just to depressing, so I moved on to option three.

That leaves one option, the most logical, but least likely in my mind.    My mind had created slight voices in my head that weren’t demons or other people.   If people can see halucinations that dont exist, it is entirely possible the mind can create voices.  This should be the most desireable option for me, but I think it was the one I wanted to be true least.  Now just so the reader understands, these voices have zero control or influence over me.  One time I yelled out in random frustration at my grad party outta of paranoa, but I dont even think that was the vioces.   The voices have never changed my mind or made me do anything or tell me to do anything evil.  They just have weird converstaions.  Ill hear stuff like “he has no idea.”  I think that’s one of the few only phrases I hear.  Mostly I hear them call me an ahole I think or stuff like that.  So maybe it is my subconscious.  I dont wanna believe I’m the one responable for all my pain from the voices.  And I dont want to be that unwell, where my own mind is playing tricks against me.  Id rather have it be demons for some reason.  They haven’t phyically hurt me yet, and at least its not my fault.  And I’d prefer it was saddistic people with technology spying in my head.  Then its something we can cure easy.  Find the perpertrators, get them out, and no more voices.  But the more I think about it, and the longer it goes, the more I lean towards it being just apart of my illness.  It kinda breaks my heart to realize im my own enemy, that ive caused myself so much pain.  Even though I cant control it, it shows how much I hate myself, as much of what I make out is negative about me.  I pray God take it away one day, but I woult rather live with it than take medicine for it or anything worse the medical field recomends.   It never comes out with other people around, and even when im alone, I can still think clearly and focus easy.  Its just this consatant annoyance of voices in the back of my head that wont go away.  That proves its not people, no one can talk that long nonstop.  It’s kinda depressing coming to terms that its a mental breakdown and I cant do anyhting about it.  It does go away for seasons, even when im alone.  Maybe one day itll just be gone for good.   If it ever does, ill let you know, so God can get the glory for taking it away.  Until then, ill keep praying God make it stop.  I know He can, but what we want isn’t ussually what we need.  

I have been working to long in customer service.  I used to hate helping people, especailly if I was in the middle of something or off the clock.  Yet, after years of doing things I hated, namely work, I started liking it in a twisted sort of way.  I enjoyed doing hard labor, and even took the undeserved frustrations of customers in good stride.  Id even be good back when they were angry over the most minute thing that wasn’t my fault.  And id do it from my heart.  I may have told coworkers how crazy and out there some customers had acted for a laugh, but deep down, I could care less and actually wanted good for them.  Trust me, it took me a long time to get to this point.   But, even without trying, I got there.  At my core I just wanted to do a better job.  Not for praise, promotion, or populalarity, but for Providence.  I took that verse seriously: “whatever you do, do with all your heart, as unto the Lord.”  That may not be the correct words in any translation, but that’s how I rememebered it, so that’s what I aimed for.  And I wanted to do well at work for my God, even if no one else saw me or cared.  God did.  And I was trying to live my best for him.  

It took me so many years to get compitent at a entry level job.  When I finally did, I discovered I learned so much along the way from all the hard work.  Confidence, endurance, respect for authority, the ability to call out authority in a respectful way, obideience, accountability, self-reliance, social interactions, abstract thinking, standing up for myself, the awful policies of all corperation, the awful regulations of the governemnt, the theifery of the government, how dumb people in positions of power can make your life miserable, how to work hard even when you are not incentifised any harder to work hard,  that work friends are not your real friends, that work will take as much advantage of you as they can wihtout fair recompense, that it can always get worse but will always get better eventually if you gut it out, and that no job or friend will last forever.  I had changed so much from everything, I did something I never expected or would have even crossed my mind.  I did something ive never done and probably wont do again (ive learned from my mistakes).  I was at a store for a company id never worked for, in street clothes, and as I was leaving I noticed a man with two kyaks on a long cart.  Spontaniously, and maybe due to what I did at work, I asked this random stranger if he needed help loading them up into his vehicle.  He looked at me extremely perplexed and said no.  I hated myself for asking him to help.  What a pathetic loser I was! To make matters worse, a kyak fell off his cart because he had to stop to say no.    Note, do not get help from strangers if they ask to help, unless you really need help.  I was just trying to help, but the dude did the right thing.  For all he knew I was gonna mug him.  It was getting dark, so I dont blame him.  I shouldnt have offered to help, I just wanted to help.  And for the record, I ussually leave customers alone while at work unless it looks like they need help or ask.  I know how annoying it is if every emplyee you see asks if they can help when you’re just going for skittles.   

During this time I was struggling, I had no friends outside the family that could or would hang out with me, and although I hung with them quite a bit, my family all had things they were going through that made them mostly unavailable.  And that energy and life I had seemed to taper out.  I still had more energy and life, but I got more tired than the brief weeks of unbridled,  boundless energy.  So, I did a lot of relaxing things to myslef, like writing.  Often I just wanted to get out of the house, so id take my dog for a walk or shop for a few things, ussually junk food.  But I ussually just kept it brief, as it really isnt that fun to spend a long time in the grocery store.  Sometimes, my brothers dog wouldnt want to go on a walk due to being spoiled with lots of walks and, in my opinoin, just plain laziness.  Often id have to pick him up and put the leash on him before he was ready.  After that, he’d walk like a trooper, mostly.  These walks would give me time to enjoy the outdoors and think to myself.  Sometimes, due to my dog being lazy or past his bed time, id go on walks by myslef. And sometimes, just to get out, id just take a 15-30 minute drive around town while jamming out to my music.  I could care less about global warming, its a crock.  Why else did they have to chang it from “global warming” to “climate change?”  Because global warming doesn’t exist.  And the climate is always changing.  I may be an idiot, but I aint dumb enough to fall for that.  Never underestimate the stupidity of the masses.   How many times can you say the poalr ice caps will melt, be wrong, and people still believe you?  If the scumbag hypocrites who cry “global warming” fly planes all over the world, ill gladly enjoy a 30 minute ride going nowhere.  Anyways, while driving, I could almost always find music to fit my mood and ease the uneasiness id be feeling.  And I loved driving around by myself and let my mind wander.  It was the perfect match.  Id often think things out on the walks or drives.  Answers or reasonings just came to me about any random subject.  I used to joke with my brothers I had a beautful mind due to my insanity (like the movie).  And now my mind actually had some intelligence to go with that beauty.  

Now for going in depth to an abominatle sin that ive dealt with in the past, and mostly went away.  I hardly ever dealt with this perverse lust anymore, and if I did it was only briefly on a few random nights from time to time.  I wasnt gonna add these details, this as it only happened a few times off and on, but it happened two nights in a row.  I am embaressed and disguisted by this sin, and have such fierce abhoarance, loathing, repulsion and as many other superlatives that cant fully explain the effably of hatred I have for this following sin.   Now, Ive told you how I lusted after being a woman, right?  That went away almost entirely.  Even on most nights when I lusted and sinned, I had no desire to be a woman.  However, very rarely, as if that wasn’t enough to despise myself to wish I could punish myself until I ceased to exist, it got worse with blaspehmy.  When the demonitic stars aligned, I got hit with this uncontrollable lust from deep inside my wicked soul.  The last two nights, I was laying on the floor praying, as I do, and the voices hit hard.  I tried to ignore them and pray, but they were so persistant I stopped to listen and talk to them.   They made me feel like God wanted me to be a women, like that was His plan.  I tried to resist, to some avial.  Then they (or whatever demonic powers) played dirty.  They made my lusts consume me.  It was weird, I had zero lust or desire to sin, but all of the sudden my body got lustful.  Wihtout moving anything or thinking anything I got an errection.  Not just that, but my body felt like it was transforming or moving in a sexually grattifying way, if that makes sense.  Mix all the insanity in my mind, with the buried lusts I tried to kill, and I thought I was transforming into a girl.  Now comes the worst part I hated the most.  Somehow I had this twisted thought that Jesus wanted me to be His wife and that that was His plan for me.  He was gonna turn me into a girl.  It wasn’t just a thought, but a sick, lustful feeling that consumed me.  I wish I didn’t admit any of this, that I just kept it all inside.  But I want you to know the sick twisted mind I had, even for just a moment.  Ussually I would try to resist the lustful urge because I didn’t want to masturbate.  That is what I was trying to beat.  But it would only make matters worse and I would think about these abhorant thoughts longer.  Almost always I would end up masturbating anyway.  When I did, my mind would immediately be back to normal, and the grief and sorrow from thinking such a blasphemous thought in my gave me such intense hatred for myself.  I hate that I had to write that.  I hate worse that I actually went through that more times than I have the heart to admit.   Forgive me, Lord.  Forgive me for being such a sick man.  Why I never kill myself makes little sense for the amount of hate I had for myslef and what ive done.  But I feel forgiven, and I believe God can and will make me right.   Ive seen and felt the healing so far, and I belive He will follow through all the way.  He keeps His promises, and He doesn’t command us to do things He wont help us through.   

The very next night, I got hit with everything.  I had to get up at 6:30 for work, and despite that I wasn’t tired at 1am.  So I prayed for two hours.  I still wasn’t tired, but I went to bed on account of how awful id feel the next morning otherwise.  It was the worst night in some time.  The voices were in full force.  Only this time, I started to be able to hear them louder.  I shouldnt have asked for it.  They were more negative and insulting than I could have imagined.  It was like they purposely were trying to have me kill myslef.  Despite this, I dont think its my own subconcious or even demons.  I genuinly think its humans.  We are a sick, depraved people, and I wouldnt put it past them.   On top of that, I felt super depressed and out of sorts while being very tired and unable to sleep.   So I had a heavy heart that was crushed by loneliness and letdown after letdown in life in every area, while being clinically depressed.  To add to that, my mind wasn’t working right, and I was doubting my faith.  I doubted if God really had called me to even be a Christain, if it ever was His plan for me to beat anything.  And I felt this emotionally.  I felt like I was gonna have another mental breakdown, and accepted this.  Maybe I never was destined for anything but conitnues struggle and relapses.  I frantically switched the musical tunes, hoping to find something that would just ease things.  I admit, I had a little success, and thank God for music, or I dont think id made it here or countless other times (most of the time I wouldnt have made it).  But somehow, something deep inside of me rejected all my feelings, pains, and lies the voices were telling me.  I said something with such ferferent heart, it broke the bonds and relieved the pain.  “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.   Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him.”  I took a look objectively at how far I had come, and gave thanks to Almighty Christ.  I sang a hymn I had recently memorized, “Crown him with many crowns” by matthew bridges.  After singing that, I went to the Bible, which I claimed wasn’t very comforting just a few hours ago in prayer, and got comforted.  I read the words of Christ in the first few chapters in revaltion.  I said them out loud with rage, conviction, and belief.  It reminded me of the cause for this fight, that He rewards those who stay true, and punishes those who do not hang on and fall.   It reinvigerated my belief in Christ, my hope for the future.  Shortly after that, I feel asleep for about an hour of sleep before heading to work.  I was exhased all day, even a few minutes late.  But I didn’t care.  And even though I looked at porn and sinned multiple times that night, it felt like a major victory.  I felt good, a little depressed, but victorious.   If you’re not dead, there is always hope.  

“Crown him with many crowns” by matthew bridges.

1 Crown him with many crowns,
the Lamb upon his throne.
Hark! how the heavenly anthem drowns
all music but its own.
Awake, my soul, and sing
of him who died for thee,
and hail him as thy matchless king
through all eternity.

2 Crown him the Lord of life,
who triumphed o’er the grave,
and rose victorious in the strife
for those he came to save;
his glories now we sing
who died and rose on high,
who died eternal life to bring,
and lives that death may die.

3 Crown him the Lord of love;
behold his hands and side,
rich wounds, yet visible above,
in beauty glorified;
no angels in the sky
can fully bear that sight,
but downward bends their burning eye
at mysteries so bright.

4 Crown him the Lord of years,
the potentate of time,
creator of the rolling spheres,
ineffably sublime.
All hail, Redeemer, hail!
for thou hast died for me;
thy praise shall never, never fail
throughout eternity.

Chapter XII

Quod nocet, saepe docet

  • Translation: “That which harms, often teaches”
  • Meaning: Unpleasant experiences will make you wiser.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  James 1-4

I’ve grown so much since I was a youth.  I had phases growing up where certain ideas occupied my mind to a greater extent, from video games, to sports, to girls.  However, I have matured to think less about these things that matter less.  Nowadays, espcially with the victory of my demons and infirmaties, combined with my spiritual gorwth, my mind is filled with the deeper things of life.  For me, 90% of the time (when i’m not in the middle of task, although I sometimes still comtemplate these things then), my mind is on 3 things ussually : 1 the things of God, 2matters of the nation, 3 family and friends.    I think about things of life, the whys behind them, and how that impacts me.  I meditate on who I am and who I will to be.  I especially focus on the things of Christ.  Am I going in the right drirection?  Am I doing the will of God?  Is there anything, big or small, that I can cahnge that is more pleasing to God?   I contemplate how the laws and ways of God can be applied and implimented into goevernment.  I wrestle with how we can turn back to our nation, where the peoples heart truly lies, and if they will  repent with humility and sincerity when God begans to judge.   I mull over about all the hatred I must endure for speaking the truth, and find comfort that all great men in history were hated for the truths they spoke.  

I will add that I often think about others, espcially those I love, and their stuggles.  I often end up shooting up a prayer to God anytime I think about their stuggles and hope they get better.   My family is a great source of love and confort to me, and I think and pray for them throughout the day.  Their struggles impact me and when they are in pain, so am I.  But I also think of other friends I have.  One man specifically on my mind much that has a drinking problem is one I pray hard for.  He’s got a great heart, and I really wish the best for him.   He’s even told me offhand about how stressful it was helping these two down and outters stay at his place.  Each had problems and were homeless for a reason, and he was giving them a hand for a time.  He always encouraged these two to get a job, yet he still had mercy on them.  In some ways, I think this man is a better man than me.  “I desire mercy and not sacrifice”, he was livin that out, even if he wasn’t a Christian.  Ussually when you have a heavy drinking problem, there is a reason for that.   But I feel this man wants what is right and to an extent tries to do what is right.   And I feel He wants God.  And I know all too well how the addicting thigns of this world can be almost impossible to overcome and how the weights of the world can be overwhelming.  So, said person, im praying hard for you almost daily, and hope and believe you will be overcome those pains, struggles, and sorrows.  I’ll always be there for you, if no where else  but in the prayer realm.   And I expect to see you in glory, where we can talk about how we each overcame our demons and give praise to the Great Healer.  

Alot of what was written on the book came to me thinking radomly at work or while on a walk.  I would take an idea and comtemplate, analzye,and disect it in my mind and then try to remmeber a key word.  Later, id take this keyword and write out my idea on here.  For example, one passage in this book talks about why we should know why to do things, and not just how.  This came to me at work when I was thinking about the things of God and how pivital it is to know why we do things.  First of all, I was trying to hang out with a coworker, and mentioned meeting on sunday.  He sayed he coulnd’t because of His religious beleifs.  I appreciated his dedication, and it got me thinking about blue laws and howall businesses should all be closed on sundays.  Not just to honor the one true God and founder of this nation the Holy Christ,  because all of Gods laws are for our benefit.  The sabbath was made for man and not man for the sabboth.  The law of God specialifcally talks about how the purpose of the sabbath,  besides honoring God, was for mankind to rest.  Becauae God commands all men to work for a living, He also created a day for all men to rest.  It is for our benefit.  And I think the way big business take atvantage of people, it would be in everyones best interest, even if they do not go to churhc, to have every sunday off.  For gas, pay with credit card.  For food, everyoen can stock up ahead of time or we could start using vending machines or something along those lines outside of stores if people were desperate.  For emergencies, we could certainly have some policer officers, doctors and nurses, or roadside assisance on call.  That way they could still have a day off, but if an emergency happened people could get help.  And obviously we will need to deport all the minorities so we can live in peace and abide by our laws (ill save that discussion of another time, but I certainly feel strongly that these laws will not work with all these forriegners who hate us, our law and ways, and our God).  But I truly believe if we as a nation honor God in sincerity, He will take care of us.  Anyways, this got me thinking about how when we understand why God has a law, we can better obey it and make good laws that benefit everyone.  Also, it got me thinking how at any apsect of our lives, if we know why we are doing somehting, we will do a superior job.  In sports if we know why we are doing a certain play, like setting a pick in bassketabll, we will be able to perform it to its full effect.  At work, if we know why we are doing something, we can do a superior job.  One example that actually happened is in constuction.  My dad and his contruction partnere were working on the flooring of a house and saw not holes for the cables and wires in the floor joyce, but a huge chunck cut off from the top of the board to where the cords go in a U shape.  Now if the previous guy had known why you drill a hole (or if he wasn’t lazy) he would have drilled a hole in the center of the floor joyce.  Because of that, the floor was highly unstable and eventually the board could snap.  A solid hole drilled in the middle would have as much stregth as without a hole.   Anyways, my mind works in a roundabout way like this, starting on one subject and going all over the place.  I suppose at the heart of my mind is the desire to find the truth.  While I will never know most things (and dont wanna know most things), my mind is always chuning about the truths of this life that either pertain to me or I find intersting.  

Lastly on this subject, if women ever wonder what men are thinking about, I’ve explained what goes through my mind at least.  Now let me say what my fellow men say to me.  After all, a lot of the things that come out in converstaion are because they are on our mind.   (out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh).  I realize there are many different types of men, and plenty of shallow, alwful ones.  But from my experiences, most men are searching for someone more.  Maybe purpose, maybe growth, or maybe a beautiful women to be with.  Many random men I meet have a deep love of country and will talk on the spot about it, so im sure they spent a lot of time wrestling with the sake of the nation internally.  Also, many men I know are eager to talk about the things of God, because they either hate it or are trying to do what is right.  I will say, most men I talk to ussually talk either sports/outdoors, entertainment, and women.  Ussually, though we talk about the things at hand, like work, things about the place or food we are eating, or whatever we’re doing like sports or video games.  It would be to heavy to talk about all the important things of life 24/7.  Sometimes you need to talk about lighter things to lighten your heavy spirit.  Even though we talk about lighter matters its becasuse our minds are filled with  the heavy things of life, like our issues, our friends, and our nation.  So next time you ladies are wondering not just what we talk about, but think about, understand we are not the shallow ones.  

I think one of the main things ive learned over the years is that life is about balance.  If you show too much kindness, people will think its insicere, not feel the compassion intended, and back away from you.   If your too strong in correction, people will want to rebel to spite you.  If you work too much, you get bogged down.  If you only play, you wont learn or grow.  If you only consider the serious, deep things of life, you’ll forget about the joys of life, weigh yourself down, and alienate people.  If you never consider the serious deeper things of life, you’ll be shallow, never develop as an indivual, and wont fully experience the true joys of life.   If you are always joking, people wont take you serious and disregard your intelligence.  If you never joke, people will think your cold, square, and they will joke about you.  If you are always around people, you wont have any time for self-reflecion, have any time to spend with God,  and wont be abel to unwind.  If your never around people, you will suffer lonliness, depression, and your life will be miserable.  If your always around the same person, no matter how much you love them, you will go crazy.   Yet if you never see your beloved, you will also go crazy.  If you only seek Holy religious things, you’ll forget the meaning behind those Holy relgious things and will fall into pride.  If you never seek the things of God, you will never find healing, peace, and wont find the friendship of the most loving and compassionate Being in the existance.  I could continue,  but I think you get the idea.  You could say for everything what my mom always said about food:  “everything in moderation.”   That’s not the perftect quote or idea I was presenting, but its the general principle.   Otherwise we get overwhelmed on one aspect of life and it crushes us, hurting us in all others.  

I will say, because I had such a desire to be righteous, many times in my life, I may have gone overboard.  I’ve let people know how evil homosexuality is- while struggling with abominitable lusts myself.  Hypocrite.  I suppose I was trying to be strong and faithful and reject my own sin, but still.  There are many verses about calling out sin, like 1 Timothy 5:20: 20 “Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear.”  Yet wisdom must always be applied.  In my case, I had no right to call out what I was struggling with, at least not in rage.   Matthew 7:2 “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again .”  Thanfully, God is a very mericful and forgiving God.  I desire those who struggle with abominations to find healing and victory.  But it took me a beat down to learn mercy.   

I’ve done worse than many people.  I have been guilty over the years of calling many church people relgious in an bad way.  Even if they are, God is merciful and gracious, and I am not anyones’s judge.   I was too judmental of church people who had arrorangce or pomp and  didn’t live out what they preached.  I especially despised those who had no morals and not just accepted but promoted evil lies like forniation, homosexuality, aboriton, and mass immigration yet called themselves “Christain”. I abhored those who spoke of God’s for love everyone, those who say we need show the love of God to immgrants who steal, rape, and kill our people.  If you can’t love your own people above strangers, are you any better than the heathen?  Despite their evil, God commands us to show them kindness, mercy, and forgive them when they are truly repentent.   Who knows, maybe some of them will awaken from their woke state and find God.

I’ve learned that certainly it is good to stand ones ground and not recant a truth.  But God desires mercy and not sacrifice.  Maybe you are right, but you certainly have some horrible sin you are struggling with.  So be gentle.  Remember that your enemies today may be your ally tommorrow, and stand your ground in a loving way.  And remember to not “give that which is Holy to the dogs.”  Some people are not worth your time and effor.  Let them go, like Paul delivered so many evil men to satan.  Use wisdom, and rememeber that Almighty God is in charge of saving souls and convincing men of sin.  When someone is open, share the truth.  But remember to seek after God, and try not to save other people, as you can save nobody.  God will take care of everything, if you put it in His hands.  And the most important thing to do is pray for others because God has to move in their hearts.  Even if you had the perfect words directly from Chrsit, people will not heed you unless God moves on them.   

Everyone has situations were they are wronged whilst in the right.  I’ve learned, as hard as it is, you gotta take it all in and not retalitate.  Be the bigger man.  People will treat you bad, yell, accuse you of stuff you didn’t do.  You can hold your ground, and certianly there are times to fight back.   But ussually, you must be able to take the hate and roll it off without aminosity.  Even though your sense of justice gives you the right to lash out, you cannot stoop to their level.  If you do, you are no better than them.  After all, everyone has wronged another.  Do you want people taking vengence on you when you wrong them?  Besides, you dont know what others are going through.  When someone treats you poorly or gives you an earful, remember the worst days of your life and think “maybe they’re going through something worse.”  (‘Course, some people are just jerks).  And sometimes being kind, compasionate and looking past others faults will lead them to being reasonable.  But you gotta “be perfect as I am perfect”.  Look at Christ, He took so much hatred and mocking and still had love and patience for His enemies.  Should not we? Rememeber that “vengence is mine, I will repay.”  If we do right, God will give us justice in due time.   Or better yet, He will make that person a decent human being.  But if we attack tit for tat, why would God take our side?  We already got our revenge.  And that is excactly what He commands against.  

Even though I had mostly overcome my demons and struggles, and had come to grips with who I was, there was still something undesireable there.  Some wounds linger.  The wounds heal and the pain lessens, but there is a phantom pain, a continual heaviness that repalces the wound.   At random times I would think back on my abominatable lusts and my heart would be ripped to shreds.  Sure, I wasn’t struggling with anything at the time, and for the most part I had forgiven myself and felt the forgiveness of God.  But when I thought about the revolting thoughts and emtions I had felt, I was filled with righteous indignation towatrds myslef.  I deserved eternal punishment for all I had done.  And the guilt, the shame.  How could I feel that way, desire that, or imagine those wicked plesures?  And despite the words of the Lord and the truths He had revealed unto me, I still felt this way from time to time.  The emtional stresses and weights that I was set free of still came back to haunt me.   As good as I was feeling, and as well as it all was going, even on the good times, there was that slight weight from everything I had been through that would not leave.   It was a part of my ethos now that was inseperatable.  

I will say, possibly directly because of what I had been though, I felt more love and compassion for people.  I could look past their faults easier.  I didn’t judge them as much, knowing I probably did far worse things then they did.  Even if they did do worse things, I understood we all have trials and hardships we must overcome, and it wasn’t my place to judge.  So I tried to be decent to people, more than ussual.  And on the inside, I didn’t feel as frutrated, angry, or little of people as I used to.  Before I may have been kind on the outside, but inside was very different.  Now, I felt compassion, understanding, and heartfelt prayers of the best for most everyone.   I didn’t always trust them (or even want to be most people’s friend), but I wished the best and tried to be agreeable when possible.  Even though I felt more distant to people because I felt like no one understood me, I connected better and had more love for them.  I felt like I understood others better, having gone through so much confusion and searching.  And I knew I didn’t have all the answers, so why should I act like I knew anything?  The most important command is to love God will everything.  The second is to love others as yourself.   So I tried to be good to people, even if I wasn’t always good to myslef.  I still got the spirit of the commandment.   I want eveyone ive ever met over the years to know that one of my prayers is that everyone ive come in contact with, especially those I love, find the living Savior and make it to heaven.  In paradise, we can share our stories in blissful, neverending  peace.  Even if most of you forgot me (and ive probably forgotten many, too), I miss a lot of you, and am really looking forword to our conversations in Paradise.  There just isn’t enough time on earth to spend time with everyone you love.  I dont balme anyone for not being there for me.  First, there is little you could have done.  Second, God was always there for me.  Third, I needed hell to become what I am. 

Mental illness affects so many people in America and a lot of times it seems hopeless for more than just the patient.  Depression, mania, and all types of mental illness have a ripple effect of all those who surround them.  Friends, family, and loved ones often suffer just as much if not more.  I think we often forget about this.  In my situation, I think my family suffereed immensly.  They didn;t know what went wrong or what to do.  They felt helpless and I could feel their pain when I was at my lowest.  I think they cared more about me than I did.  And they were there when I was not myself and talked like a crazy person.  They were right there with me when I didn’t have the spirit to laugh and didn’t have much of anything to say.  They would talk and confort me when I talked about my struggles and the weight of it all.  I can only imagine what it is like to see someone you love stripped of their sanity to the point you can’t hold normal conversations with them.  I still rememeber my older brother’s 25th birthday when he cried just bringing to memory my breakdown.   I think they took part in my suffering, in a way.  I am gratefull for all they did for me and would not have gotten through this without them.  Thank you.  

I guess, in my opinion, the best thing you can do for someone struggling with a mental illness is to be there for them.  Give them love and support.  Let them know they are loved.  Show them you care.  Spend time with them when they need it, but then give them space to recover.  Let them sleep as much as they need.  If they are just finishing high school, it is good for them to get a small job and gain confidence (when ready).  When they have something to say, give them an ear and listen to them talk.  When they don’t make sence, correct them in a gentle way.  Look past their faults and annoyances and see their needs.  Remember that they are not entirely in their right mind.  They may not mean nasty things they say.  Pray hard for them.   Use wisdom over how to handle everything, as everyone is different.   Help them get their mind off everything via a hobbies like sports or movies or video games.   Music is very helpful to ease the pain.  One of the most important things is to stay away from drugs. This exhasterbates the illness and will lead to relapase (I was told by my doctor that almost all the relapses of his patients occurred in the ones who got into drugs).   It is important to remember that it takes time to recover from any part of the body that breaks.   Somehting as complex as the brain is bound to take even more time to fully recover so be patient.  

I was on my last two weeks of medication, eagerly counting down the days.  I filled the lettered box of medicine until I had zero pills left.  I was so thankful to God, for a moment, my toubles all passed away with just excitement!  I realized it was roughly 13 years of medication.  13 years of sorrow, pain, rejection, lonliness and it was all for my benefit.  How much I had changed for the better!  How ironic is it that the miserable things of life are the only way for true depth of happiness!  I would never have become what I am today without everything.  And I praised God and reminisced of the long winding backroad that got me to the present.   And all those times I wanted to end it, but didn’t, all those times I gutted it out and kept going anyway when nothing made sense and I was all alone, aye, those were my finest moments.   I kept that pill cylander, as I memento of my suffering.  I carry it with me to remind me that, even if it takes over a decade, God does not renege His promises.  Even if I never fully beat it, the fact I could function like I could was testament enough.  If you knew me from before, im a different person.  Just me, just better in everyway.  Except maybe not as innocent, undeflied, or raw.  But certainly more determined, more bold, and more uncompromisably dedicated to the God of his parents, ancestors, and brethern.  Here I am Lord.  Ready to go to hell for you again, be it your will.  Lord, they will, not mine, be done.

Despite it all, I still struggled immensly from time to time.  The last two weeks of my medicine started off with relentless attacks of the voices.  It became worse than my depression and consumed me.  I couldnt take it, so I cried out to God for mercy.  I prayed conistantly for a good 5-10 minutes saying in rage, belief, and conviction “Lord, take away these voices.”  In rage and belief, I told God the parable of the unjust judge who avenged the widow because of her importunity.  So I told God if that’s what it took, I would annoy the heck of Him.  And I told Him the verse that says to “come bodly to the throne of Christ,” which justified, in my mind, my rage and expectations to be healed.  I recounted various times the Bible said “All things are possible with God” in one way or another.   And I told God if He has the all power in heaven in earth, if He can create all things out of nothing, if His word is true and He truly is Omnipotenet, He could heal me in the snap of a finger.  I even quoted His words after the parable of the unjust judge, “and shall not God avenge His elect, though they call out to Him, day and night?  I tell you He will avenge them speedily.”  So I expected God to take it away like that.  

In the middle of it all, I said God could take the demons out of my head or if it was people, I had more repsect for demons than these people.  I wondered if it was just my illness, as I doubted if people could be quite this cruel to me, especially when I told them I couldn’t take it and just wanted to die soley for these voices.   I searched the web for questions about zyprexa, and got an interesting find.  It happened to be a case study about a man in his 40’s who struggled with schizoaffective disorder.  He struggled with so many of the things I did.  He felt neglected, rejected, and alone.  He was depressed, had weird lusts, wished he were dead from time to time, and heard voices that tormented him with negative words.  He had it worse than me.  My heart went out to him, and I realized how lucky I was.   I read reviews of others who took my medicine, and realized there were countless others like me that had it far far worse.  Tears were shed for this poor man and others, and I rememebered why I was writing this book.  It was never for me.  It wasn’t for me to find healing or understanding about myslef, or even to make a career or money off of.  No, the main reason I was writing this was to aid people, to give them and their loved ones hope.  And I was going forward in life, not just for my own sake, but for others.  I needed to be strong, to have this testomony, and to go through all of this because so many people are just like me.  And just as that poor soul touched me and gave me new light and understanding in a dark moment, I pray this book, this testamony of a soulless monster who God had mercy on, be a light for my fellow sufferers.  And no matter the mocking, ridicule, and hatred they have for me, in my mind, if it helps just one soul to hang on, just one soul to say: “one more day” again and again until they have strength to stand, I will glady be the laughing stock of the world.  Here I am: broken, hardened, and ready for the hate.  Just know that I will not recant my beleifs of truth, even if it costs me my life.  God is my guardian, my healer, and my pride, and I will not look on His face in shame because I sold out the truth.  

Three nights later, and couldnt sleep again.  The voices were in full force, haunting me worse than they had in some time.  Yet I managed to stay strong and not sin, fighting back by staying up and writing on this book for a while.  I got about an hour or two of sleep, and needed to get up at 6:30 again.  I powered though, and expected to crash after work.  Yet I just layed there, listening to whatever it was, echoing barely audible, sometimes inaudiable voices that swirled nonstop.  I was tired and just wanted to sleep, but could get none.  So I thought about it, and thanked God for all He had done for me.  I thanked Him that I had come so far.  I told him that even if no one else could see how far I had come, if no one else had seen the miraculous works and workmanship He had done in me, I did.  I told Him I would give Him praise, thanks, and glory for all of this, even if it was just me.  I told Him I trusted Him no matter what, and seeing as He was the Greatest Being whose ways are unsearching and His understanding unfathomable, I believed whatever He had planned was in my best intrest.  I told Him I truly believed if He could make everything from nothing in one week (proabably could have done it quicker if He wanted) He could heal my mind or any ailment with the snap of a finger.  I truly believed that all things were possible with God.  Yet I knew God’s way’s were higher and wiser, and He had a plan of when and how to heal me, which would be most adventageous for me.  And I cried out and said something akin to: “Lord,  I am nothing.  If I am unhinged and think I will get healing when its not your plan, I put my future in your hands.   If I think youve got this specail purpose for me, but your will is for me to live 60 more years of torment and suffering wihtout ever fully healing, you know what is best.  I trust you more than my primitive understanding.”   And I shed some tears, honestly accepting the fact that, maybe, God’s calling was a life of torment.   I desired the will of God above my own, no matter the cost.  Yet deep down, I knew I was destined for healing.  I had come so far, and God doesn’t do things halfway (Philipians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.).   I felt exhausted, almost to the point of pain.  Even with all that, I sinned by masterbating, just to try to get my body to fall asleep.  I prayed God forgive me and told Him I didn’t want to lust, but I needed this sleep.  After all, I felt like I was on the brink, and figured God could only forgive the living.  I still didn’t get any sleep, but after just laying there, I felt refreshed, praising the Almighty for bringing though so much.

One thing Christians say (or read)without thinking is “Almighty God.”  When I actually thought of the magnitude of the “all power in heaven and earth” and that Christ is the “I AM”  (implying that He exists in Himself with nothing else needed; rather He gives life and sustains it)  it can be very intimidating. “ For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily.” It makes me feel very small as I realize I cannot fathom how big Christ is.  Think about it, He created the entire universe, both seen and unseen.   He not just created all the stars and extrtaterrestial but sustains them and calls them by name.  He probably has billions (if not trillions)  of angles He directs every second of every day.  He can be everywhere at once (where two or more are gathered in my name there I am in the midsts).   He is so much greater and superior than all mankind put together.   Despite all this, He came to earth as a lowly commoner and accepted the hatred, rejection, and mocking of His own people.  And He came to save His enemies.   Its not hard to understand why the Holy Scriptures say “ To Him who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb, be blessing and honor and glory and dominion forever and ever.”   

Yet who am I, to be associated with this great, Holy Being? To not just call Him Lord and Master, but Brother and Father?  How can someone so vast and immense call a small nobody (both for being man, and for being a nobody amongst men) not just His servant but brother?  How does that work?  He is Amighty Creator and Savior.  All powers and principalities are subject to Him.  I struggle trying to control my own self and sometimes feel it is impossible to control my own emtotions and desires.  Yet still this Almighty Being still greatly cares for and loves His small, helpless creation.  Enough to become His creation, suffer more than toungue can describe, and give the ulitimate sacrtifice of His life just for a chance that they may receive Him to live forever.  If anyone feels worthless, remember:  Almighty Christ believes you have so much worth He was willing to sacrifice everything for you.  And who are you to argue with Almighty God?  

Yet despite this love from Christ, when I think of not just the magnitude of His greatness but the  Holiness of His, it can be very terrifying.  Although I love Christ dearly (and pray I love nothing above or equal to Him) I pray that I never see Him or an angel wiltst here on earth.   He is so Holy that it would be terrifying to actual see Him, even if He held back His glory.  When Isaish saw God HE says:  “Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.”  Even moses says about God , “I am exceedingly afraid and trembling.”)   And sometimes, I do get scated thinking how Holy Christ is (although He is very approachable- “I stand at the door and knock- nad ask and you shall recieve- and come to me)  and How He is the Almighty Judge.   I pray I do the very best I can and love Him with all my heart soul might mind and strength not just because I love Him but also because He is the supreme judge and I will stand before Him and give an account of everything I said and did.  Indeed Christ Himself says:  “Fear Him who is able to throw both soul and body into Hell. Again I say- fear Him.”  I think God desires (and even demands) a certain fear of reverence towards Him.  This is pleasing to Him.  I belive this is because it leads to repentence, obedience, and people seeking after HIm.  When the israelites were terrified of the voice of God from the mountain,    God says  “O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!”   God wants us to fear Him not because He is a dictating tryant but because it is in our best interest and good for us.   He wants us to fear and obey Him for our sakes.  

We must give God all the glory and praise, not just because this is good for us (pride goeth before the fall), but because God deserves all glory, and praise.  God is the potter, we are the clay.  Should we praise the pot for being such a great athlete, musisian, writer, or person?  Is not God the one that gave that pot talent?   Why then, do we seek to lift us the creation, when he has little power over who or what he is?  Even if they work hard at their craft and earn their success, did not God create them with the ability to be a hard worker?   Should we not rather praise the designer and maker of this pot?  Does  the archetect deserve priase or the building?  

I remember laying in bed one day and thinking about the responsibility of the task I felt a call for in my life.   Tears flowed down my face due to all the wieght and responsablility that overwelmed me.  I still dont believe it one hundered percent, because I dont want it to be true.   But the dreams I keep having, and the feeling that lingers compel me to my destiny.  I would not write this book or seek this calling if I did not believe in the Almighty personal God Christ.  For with God all things are possible.  (Even God raising up a nobody like me).  I just pray that whoever God raises up, people give the one true God all the credit, praise, and glory.  Do not elevate man.  But why did God call me?  I am a sick, perverted man who deserves hellfire.  I don’t want power, fame, or the praise of man.   Power requires resposnability and sacrifice.   Fame is the opposite of what I want.  (I would much rather have a life of peace and solititude with the abliilty to live my life freely).   And the same man who praises you today can call you a devil tommorrow.   If my calling is what I think it is, I may be the most hated man in the country.   Yet I believe with God doing the heavy lifting and helping me to the extreme, I can accomplish this burden.   

I pray almost daily that I do not love money, trust in money, or live for money.  You cannot serve God and mammon, and I want to serve God.   I pray instead that I love God, trust God, and live for God.  Yet part of me wants wealth.  But I would rather be poor with God than be wealthy.  And there are many things I would greatly prefer over money (to know and walk with Christ in a deep personal way, to be a good friend to the Almighty Creator and Saviour Christ,  to do the will of the father, righteousness, riches in heaven, good health, an amazing wife, and many many godly, healthy children of sound minds, emotional stability, no relapses, complete victory over my addiction, life more abundant, peace that only God can give, intelligence, chracter, being an honest man, and I could go on and on…).  But I pray, that whatever God deals me, He provide all I need and even some things I want ( if I want a ton of kids, I’d like to get them something for their birthdays…).  I dont mind being poor.  In some ways there are benefits (You appreciate the things you do have more, you must work hard to make it by (a blessing in disguise),  you have genuine friends who aren;t just there for your money,  you dont have to deal with all the phoney rich people and are less likely to fall into the temptations of the rich, you are more grounded, it is easy to find God (I could go on)).   I don’t mind being poor, I just wanted to please God (yet I feel so rich: I eat like a king with all the food we have, I own a car and numorous expensive items, own more things than I could use in a lifetime,  have excess money, and own things I not only do not need but hardly use.  Yeah, I feel pretty friggin rich at times).   But I trusted that even if I was poor God would still provide for me and give me the desires of my heart.    Yet if God did decide to give me great wealth, I knew that came with many responbalities and dangers.  I prayed God would keep me and my family grounded and humble and to not think we are better because of money.  I prayed I would not let it get to my head or control me.  Either way, I wanted God to have His way more than money or a plush job or an overabundance of things (I often prayed God would help me give up whatever He asked of me, from all forms of entertainment to music to an easy life).   And I would rather have riches in heaven than all the riches this world has to offer.   After all, while you cannot take it with you, heaven is forever.  

Numourous words of comfort are found within the Holy Word of God.  Despite numourous passages talking about how much God cares about His creation and His deep love for them, I still had times I struggled.  Especially when I thought how great and Holy the Christ was and how small, sinful, and insugnifant I had been.  Yet as God had done before, He gave me Words of confort.  It was verses that i’d read before, but new to me due to a different translation.  I read a verse that id only read in King James or NKJ  before(as much as I love those versions, sometimes they are woreded archaicly and therefore difficult to understand) .  When I read  Psalm 89 in the New Living Translation, it touched me  Specifically, Psalm 89: 33-35 say “But I will never stop loving him
    nor fail to keep my promise to him.
34 No, I will not break my covenant;
    I will not take back a single word I said.
35 I have sworn an oath to David,
    and in my holiness I cannot lie:”  Although these words were spoken to David, I believe they apply to all of God’s people.  I took them as if God had said them to me.  That He would never stop loving me, and His promises are good.  I know these ideas are repeated and sometimes said even more clearly in other passages, but it felt like a new verse that just comforted me.   And if you read the previous verses in the same psalm, you’ll see that although God will punish anyone who strays from Him,  His heart is that of mercy.  He wants to forgive, He wants to reason with us and set us straight, for our sakes.  This was very encouraging and hearwarming for someone like me, who felt as though he had done so much to wrong His God.   It was refreshing to be reminded that God’s love is eternal and He will not ever let me down or ever cease from loving me.  As it is impossible for a water to be dry, or fire cold, God cannot lie; it is against His very nature.  If anything, I will let Him down.  Let me not fail you in anyway, O Lord.  

I Gave My Life For Thee

Frances R. Havergal

1 I gave My life for thee,
My precious blood I shed,
That thou mightst ransomed be,
And quickened from the dead;
I gave, I gave My life for thee,
What hast thou done for Me?
I gave, I gave My life for thee,
What hast thou done for Me? 

2 My Father’s house of light,
My glory-circled throne 
I left for earthly night,
For wanderings sad and lone;
I left, I left it all for thee,
Hast thou left aught for Me?
I left, I left it all for thee,
Hast thou left aught for Me?

3 I suffered much for thee,
More than thy tongue can tell,
Of bitterest agony,
To rescue thee from hell;
I’ve borne, I’ve borne it all for thee,
What hast thou borne for Me?
I’ve borne, I’ve borne it all for thee,
What hast thou borne for Me?

4 And I have brought to thee,
Down from My home above,
Salvation full and free,
My pardon and My love;
I bring, I bring rich gifts to thee,
What hast thou brought to Me?
I bring, I bring rich gifts to thee,
What hast thou brought to Me?

Chapter XIII

Nil Desperandum – ‘Never despair!’

Psalm 27:13 13I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 

When I took my last pill, although I was overjoyed, I knew it wasn’t over.  I knew at the very least a week after taking my last ¼ of a pill (I gradually went down) I would have a deep, heart hitting depression for at least a day or two, maybe more.  I dreaded this.  I prayed hard God would get me ready and prayed in advance id have the strength to make it through.  The last thing on my mind was not getting sleep, which I should have have been at the forfront of my mind.  The drug was had sedative qualities to help me sleep, to of course I wouldnt be able to sleep as well.  I guess I was just thinking about the depression and figured if I didn’t sleep well id make it up later or the next day like id been doing.  Little did I know.  I was ill prepared and not planning it though.  Theres a reason they say you need a doctor to quit taking medication.  I couldnt get in contact with mine, because the medical center wouldnt tell me where he went or give me any way to contact him.  I didn’t want another doctor, and felt it was time to get off the medicine, so I was on my own with nothing but the ol’ interent if I had questions.  I never thought about the withdrawl of a drug, which I really should have.

First day without medicine, I was fine. I think I slept fine, so I had no reason for concern.  As had been, I had no hardly no symptons, just a few voices and and maybe a little sorrow from time to time.  Other than that, I felt great.  Next day, went to work and remember feeling as peaceful as I had been since I was a kid.  I felt calmer, less irratable, and remember thinking how great it was to be off medicine.   I went home and said a good long prayer thanking God about how much He had healed me.  I said, I didn’t care if no one else cared I went off my medicine, I was so happy, so grateful He had seen me though this nightmare.  I was jubilant.  I didn’t understand why no one else seemed happy for me, except maybe my mom.  Did they not realize the horrors I had gone though?  And the sign that the worst was over, the medicine was gone.  That pill cylander was a symbol that God keeps His promises, even if it takes longer than we thought.   I was overjoyed.   Little did I know, the drug that had helped me so much was about to make my life a pain.

When I couldnt sleep the next day, I thought little of it.  I’d gone nights recently without sleep, and always bounced back with sleep soon thereafter.   The day was fine, and I had weird cravings, but other than that I felt great.  That night, I figured id get a great night sleep, as I always did after I couldn’t sleep.  Nope.  Not at all.  I was exhasted, and just layed there in pain.   I should say that when I  couldnt sleep these nights, I used my sinful sedative, masturbation.  I felt bad, and prayed God forgive me, but I needed to sleep, and I recalled many nights I couldn’t sleep unitl I jerked off.  That still didn’t help.   I just layed there, so I cranked up the music and manned up.  That day was tiring, but not bad.  At work, id have energy and, although a little grogy, was able to still do a great job.  I noticed I slurred my words a little more, and wasn’t as clear with my thinking or on point with my humour that I had devloped.  That was nothing.  The next night was hell.  

After a meeting for work the next night, I felt super sick in the gut and I was exhasted.  I didn’t even brush my teeth.  I told my dad I was in great pain, and asked him to pray for me.  He said he’d pary over me, but I just wanted to go to bed and have him pray seperate.  Thankfully, he made It quick.  He asked if I was anxious, and I told him I was a little worried I was gonna have another breakdown.  It felt like it.  Little sleep for multiple days, my mind felt like it hadn’t gotten rest.  But It wasn’t racing, and I had no other symptions, so I didnt know.  After my dad prayed, I threw on some gym shorts and went straight to bed.  There was a mountain of dishes to do, and I had planned on doing them (my mom was outta town that week) but I was too tired, too sick.  

I layed there in pain, pondering if I needed to check myself back into the hospital.  I didn’t know what theyd do, and did not want to go back on any drug.  Even so, I almost did.  It was that bad.   Ussually, when I stayed up all night, id put my music on for a little bit and then shut it off to save my ears.  Not this night.  This night was john frusicantes album “curtians,” nonstop.  It was a soothing acoutsic rock album that I always always wanted, could never find for a reasonable price, and just recently bought.  Im not going say it helped save my life, but it definatly soothed me, as it ussually did when I was feeling uneasy.  Thank you, mr. frusciante.  You’ll proaabyl hate my guts like every other person in the public, but I am so grateful you made such great music.  Really, really eased the pain and helped me make it though that night and so many other tough times.  

I texted my family in a group text and told them to pray hard for me.  It was late, and I needed all the prayer I could get.  I prayed hard and told God to ease the pain and help me sleep.  I didn’t sleep.  But it was a weird sensation that occurred.  The intense pain in my gut felt like someone or something was calming down my stomach.  The pain was still there, but it was so much bearable.  I made it though the night, was starving, craving steak or a burgerfor some reason (not a fast food one.  I dont know if Ive ever craved a fast food burger.  Home grilled ones are so much better, in everyway.  At least the ones we make).   I felt pain from being so hungry, so I went down and threw a 5oz steak on the grill.  I drank some orange juice and ate some bread to make it while the steak was cooking.  I knew it’d be a weird day for hunger, so I packed a huge lunch and made some jimmy dean sauages and buscuits for lunch (celebraties used to do things for soceity besides tell us how awful we are for following the Bible).   I made one egg, which was burnt, and had a piece of toast.  I was suprisingly full fast for how hungry I was.  I ran out of time to do the huge pile of dishes, but I took a shower to cleanse and brushed my teeth before going to work.  It was gonna be a weird day, but id been through worse.

I got there and realized there was a girl who had bipolar as wel and hoped she might be workign the morning shift.  She was a little crazy (all girls are), but I really liked her.  She might have moments of not being nice, but I thought she had a really kind, sweet heart.  She was always really good to me.  I liked her, and thought she was great.  I clocked in and went over to talk a little.  I wanted to talk to someone about my rough night.  Thankfully, she was all ears, and I was so grateful I had someone to talk to about it (especially one that had been through some of what id been through).   I said I really came to pity insomnics, because if they get sick they cant sleep they instead gotta take the pain all night long.  She said she was like that everyday for her (ussually votmiting).   She then said very nonchalantly she might have clumps that could be cancer, which was one of the normal things she dealth with.  She didnt think it was, and I know she was trying to make me feel better.  I told her if she ever has something serious happen to her, she better let me know.  Its the least she could do for me, ya know.  She also gave me tips with melatonine gummies, explaining they’re not heavy addictive drugs, and could help me get some sleep.  There were restrictions but it sounded like a way to get sleep without sleep, and I was willing to try (especailly as anyone could buy it, so it wasn’t a heavy drug).

I talked to her throughout the day off and on, and it was always conforting.  I told her I felt like a pregnant woman with all my weird cravings.  I got a bunch of junk food because I needed something to just hit that sweet spot for me.   It was desperate times for desperate measures.  Last thing on my mind was gaining weight or high blood pressure.  I was trying to stay alive.  I couldnt drink as much water as I normally do, so Id sip on gatorade or other flavored beverages.  I was fine except that weird quesy feeling in my stomach, which never seemed to go away.  I always seemed hungry but not, if that makes sence.  Sometimes I got really hungry and I felt really painful, and when I ate, I still felt awful, just less so.  It was miserable.  I told her about this when I ordered a milkshake, and they gave me an extra on accident (I still payed for it.  I gave it to her).   She said it was like that everyday for her, and I stood in awe.  

That’s when I realized she had been through so much more than I could imagine.  I knew she had been through a lot, but not to this extent.  I had asked her before if she ever wanted to talk about anything, I was there for her.  Or that we could meet outside work and talk.  She always said no.  The only reason she told me this stuff now was because she was helping me out as I was struggling in ways I really hadnt up to this point and went to her with my problems.  Withdrawl sucks.   Her illness(es?)  were worse.   I even told her when she said she was a sholder to cry on that she was stronger than me, and that I should have been telling her that.  But she didn’t need me as much I needed her.  I dont know if could have dealt with everything she went through and I dont know what I would have done without her these hours.   There’s nothing quite as comforting as talking to someone whose gone through something similar to you, but worse.  Especaially someone who soldiers on and stays positive.  Bless this girl, God, bless this girl.  

Before I left work, I stopped by to ask her a favor.  I didn;t know how to put it, and I didn’t want to send the wrong message.  I asked if she was ussually awake at night, and she said yes, I believe 3-4.  I asked if she could keep a secret, and I told her something I hadnt told anyone before.  Some nights, when it got really bad, id look around the room for a sharp object like a knife.  I told her I wasnt suicidal and didnt wanna kill myslef, I just felt so painful the thought was there (thankfully a lot of nihgts I was too tired to get up).  Some nights were really rough, and I just wanted to have her phone number in case I needed someone to talk to who had been through it.  I didn’t have a doctor, after all.  She said I could facebook message her, but I said I may need talk to someone, it would be better.  She said she would and could.   I dont know if I said all that like I wanted, as I was pretty emotional.  I said id facebook her for her number if I needed it, saying I probably wouldnt.   And I left with a few tears, trying to hold them back and which I was ashamed of in public.  I even apologized and just said it was hard.  She said it was okay and asked if I needed a hug.  I did, but I didn’t want to because she was a beautiful girl and I was kinda attracted to her (im dead serious, I was trying to stay pure).  I gave her a light hug and appreciated it.  

After a long, busy day, I went on a walk.  On that walk, all I could do was think about all my friends over the years and the pain they were going through.  I prayed hard that God would heal them and as many of my people as He could.  I just couldnt take the thought of all those people suffering.  I didn’t ask, I demanded.  I told Him He promised to do anything I ask of Him in His name.  I told Him that if He loved me, if He truly loved me, He would heal all of my friends I had made over the years and save them.  I challenged Him, telling Him if He really loved me He would answer my prayer.  That if He really loved me, He would heal thousands of mentally ill patients.   I prayed that He would visit His chosen people, white americans, like He did ancient Israel.  He was the same God that walked the earth two thousand years ago and healed every sickness.  He could do it again, in His time.  And I prayed His time would be in my lifetime.  I couldnt stand the thought of these poor souls being tormented like me.  It was, in some ways, more painful than a lot of what I was going through.  It was like I felt their pain.   And I couldnt take it much longer, I needed a higher power to intervene.  I felt so helpless, like nobody could save these poor poor souls.  They were destined to live a lifetime of sickness with all the horrible side effects, and there was nothing I could do.   Their pain was my pain, and it was a heavy load to bear.  I had to believe in a healing God.  It was the only thing keeping me going.  

Night before hosotal (of

As some  of you may know, I suffer with bipolar disorder.  My doctor thought it be closer to schhitzo effective disorder.  I believe that means its bipolar but with extra vices in your head or something akin. Ive gotten so much better that I thought I could get off the medicine.  Because if that I rarely got any sleep for a week.   The voices that were there stayed.  But im thankful for all of this, I have learned so much and grown so much.  Im going to beat this.  I have to.  Because I have to believe other people can beat it too.   I always thought it was one of three things: my mind playing tricks on me, people from my past haunting me, or demons.  The voices made it sound like people from my past, so that what I thought was happening, even though I knew it was impossible.   But it all came together like a puzzle, and now im in control of the demons.  Their still there, but I dont fall for all there lies.  Basically, whatever they say, the opposite is true.  Usually its about religion and lies about God.  Saying things like God cant save me or heresies like Christ never died on the cross.  Thankfully, I know the scripture well, so I could combat it.  It all makes sense now.  Whether you chose to believe it or not, a lot of mental illness is just demons.  Before this week, I didn’t believe that occurred, and if it did, it was rare.  But the truth set me free and now I have power over them.  I know everything they say is  a lie, so its easier to fight.  I know they are demons for a couple of reasons.  Over the years, they’ve always said negative things like im an ahole and such like that.  I usually just took it in and often agreed.  They kept telling me I was gonna die a few nights ago.  I know there isn’t anyone from my past that could do anything like that.  Mankind can be cruel, but I doubt they are cruel enough to torment my mind for years.  Next, they said  “your soul’s gonna taste tasty,”  or something similar.  They wouldn’t stop and the only thing I could do was pray that it would stop.  But that didn’t help, so I song a hymn for two hours straight.  It didn’t take them away,  but it lessened the pain.  I needed to get back on the medicine to make it quit.  So I did.  They were still there. Just bearable, as I could get sleep now.  The other thing that sealed it so I knew that were demons haunting me was about my writing.  Not many people know this, but im writing an autobiography.  Now I was going to add this to my book so people that suffer like me can have understanding, hope even.  Its comforting to know your not the only one suffering, believe me.  I took the day off work to relax and unwind.  I felt like writing would help, which it does a lot of times.  So I went to my laptop and the battery was low.   I went to plug in the power cord and that didn’t work- the power cord was dead and wouldn’t charge it.   I couldn’t find a power cord anywhere nearby, so I order a couple online.  I needed to write now, though, as it helps get my mind off things.  I had been interested in getting a new tower computer, so I just went to Walmart to find one.   I got home and literally everything that could go wrong went wrong.   I thought another monitor I owned should work, but it didn’t.  So I went back and got one.  Then I didn’t have a hdmi cord to connect to the monitor and tower.  I went back and the worker showed me what I needed.  I got home and but the kind didn’t work as I needed an hdmi connection and not whatever I got.  So I went back and got the right cord.  I finally get it working and lo and behold, it was a defective computer.  Brand new, never been opened, and it didn’t work.  At this point, I knew that is was demons.  They were trying to stop me.  All these years of guilt for thinking the smallest sins was  my fault, it was so comforting to understand much of it was just demons tormenting me.  That there is some sort of spiritual warfare.   That is why they were fighting me so hard.  I never thought it could be demons all these years because I believed I was a Christian, and consequently it was impossible for me to have demons.  How could Christ allow one of His children to suffer like that, to let the demons torment them?  But it all makes sense now, it was all apart of His plan.   I know that there are demons and I can help others that suffer like me.   In doing fine, don’t worry about me.  Im gonna beat this.  It make take 13 years or more, but I will beat this illness and get of my medicine.  It is my highest goal in life, and I will not concede.   And im not just doing this for me.  Im doing this for my family and friends who see me tormented and know there is nothing they can do to help.  I can feel there pain when I tell them what im going through.  I want them to not feel that burden or pain anymore.  And I want to write a book to tell the whole world of my pains, my struggles, and my faults.  People are suffering out there, and if I cant give someone hope, the pain was worth it.  And when I beat it, they can believe that God can heal them to and get healed.  Its been 13 years of torment.  But it will be over soon. I will beat it, mark my words.   Hopefully this helps someone.

All of the physical features that I desire most in my dream girl, its beautiful blue eyes.  Im a sucker for beautiful eyes, and blue is my favorite color.  Purple is rarer, but id still rather have the most perfect shade of blue.  If she was everything I wanted and shared my dreams and beliefs, the eyes would be so beautiful.  Its a gateway to the soul, and I would just stare into the beautiful soul, mesmerized.  

Most everything was gone.  I still had minor symptons of withdrawl like a minor minor headache and a quesey upset stomach.  But I could eat more foods and it was much much easier to drink water.  And when it hurt it was only from time to time.  Alot of the time I felt great.   I felt tired every so often and needed to rest (not sleep) but other than that I felt energized and great.  There was no depression or anxiety.  Through all of this I had such peace and comfort that God was gonna work everything out.  Even if I lost my mind again, even if I had another breakdown, God could heal me again.  I was bracing for the worst and praying for God’s mercy.  How was I to know the exact will of God?  Maybe it was God’s will I break down again, suffer more, get stronger and have an even greater tesatmony.  I have not the mind of God.  I was just supposed to truth Him where He sent me and be faithful in whatever He threw my way.  God is good.  Always.  

The only lingering effect of the disease was the voices.  It was ussually small, ussually bearable.  I still felt like they were people talking to me, athough I knew it couldn’t be true.  At times they were barely there, and I could be at peace.  Ussually when talking to someone, they weren’t audiable.  Probably because my mind was focused on the conversation.  But other times, they were a nightmare and I would beg God to take them away.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I realized God had done so much for me, this was not so bad in the grand scheme of things.  He had taken away my depression and so many other things associated with that.  I was on the cusps of beating my hypersexualism, which in itslef was a miracle.  I had grown from a nervous, shy, timid young man into someone who was confident, comitent, and compassionate.  I had grown spirtually to the point I had so much peace in so much of my life and had learned to trust God for the big and small things and take care of me when all seemed hopeless.   I had walked with the Almighty, knew His voice, and loved Him more than anything .  The voices were minor.  But they still tormented me.

I prayed that God would take them away, as I knew He could.  All things are possible with God.  If He created all things, and knows all things, and has all power in heaven in earth, it is illogical to think there is something He cannot do.  He cannot lie.  He created evil, so any evil powers are subject to Him, and can only do as much as He allows.  But was it His will I beat the voices?  What if it was for my benefit, or for others that I sufferd with them?  After all, it was for my benefit (and hopefully others) that I had bipolar, hypersexualism, and suicidial thoughts.  And I never wanted that and prayed God take it away immidiatly.  But it was for my benefit it took long, it was in my best intrest I suffered so much.  I would not be what I am today without every second of pain.  Yet I pleaded He take it away.  The voices haunted me and seemed to say the nastiest things.  They even tried to strip my faith away.

It seemed like, from the little I could make out, they tried to tell me “i had no idea.”  That’s a phrase I heard over and over again.  And I made out other words that gave me so many crazy thoughts about God.  That He someone couldnt heal me.  That there were some things He couldn’t do.  That Satan desperatly wanted me and was making it too hard for God.  It didn’t make sense to me though, when I thought it out.  God created Satan.  God is superior in every way.  And Satan can only do what God allows.  God is on the throne.  And God is good.  

I cried out to Christ and told Him He had to heal me.  Not for just myslef, but for a testomony to the world.  That God’s power is infinate, there I nothing He cannot do.  Because others needed to hear that, God could save them from their illness.  Others needed to hear that there was hope.  If they perserved, if they kept seeking God, obeying Him, and going to His throne in boldness they could find the healing they were looking for.  God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.  Do not ever give up.  Even if God calls you to die, you fight till its over.  And you do not know the mind of God, what His exact will is for you.   God knows what is best, but He wants to heal to save you from not just yous sins but your illness and infirmaties.  Christ is the Savior of the soul, mind and body.   By His stripes we are healed.  He didn’t suffer just to send you to heaven after your dead.  He suffered to save you in this life, to heal you in this life.  Because He cares so much for each and every one of His creation, especailly His people, the white Americans.  

I fought the voices with the word of God and told God I needed to beat this illness competely for a testamony, to help others.  I needed to stop hearing voices as well.  I told God of the great saints of the past who died martyrs.  How terrifiying and unsure the apostle must have been to give up their life.  Yes they had courage.  But they did not know all of God’s future plan.  They thought at one point He would bring His earthly Kingdom in their lifetime.  So when they gave it all up, it must have been so hard to be the first, to be the trailblazers.  Yet their love for Christ was so great, not even death could make them deny there love for Him.  And that is why they are some of the greatest men that ever lived.  But there death gave greater courage to other great martyrs.  To the whites who died in the roman empire being feed to lions.  To the heroes of the reformation, such as laimer, and tyndale, and huss, and so many many more.  Men who gave everything because they would not recant the truth. They loved the Truth and to them denying a truth of the gospel was the same as denying Christ.  I told God that I wanted to be a trailblazer like the apostles, only with mental illness.  I wanted to have victory in everything so that others could have faith.  So that they too could receive healing, they too could find peace, they too could walk closley with Almighty Christ and live righteous lives.   I told Christ that yes, to whom much is forgiven the same loveth much.  And I added that too whom much is healed the same loveth much.  Taht is why I believe He will heal millions.  So that they love Him with everything they have.  I knew this truth because I loved Christ so much more after going through everything and getting healed.  Countless times in prayer, I told Him that I love Him so much.  That words could not express my love for Him.  It was ineffable.  And I prayed that I would give Him everything.  I wanted to show my love towards Him, my gratitude for Him helping me.  If He wanted me to suffer, I wanted to so I could prove my love for Him.  I would go anywhere, do anything, and suffer any horribel fate as long as He kept me.  I knew He was not a cruel God.  He wanted good things for me, so I trusted even if me life were hell, He would make it bearable.   He had brought me healing, peace, forgiveness, and freedom from all my guilt and shame.  The least I could do was man up and give Him everything.  Especially since a worst sin falls on all who turn to Christ and then forsake Him.   This is just, is it not?  Christ died for you, suffered the wrath of God, and healed you and saved you, and then you spit on His face and rebel?  You reject all the good things He did for you by choosing any other way?  He is the Creator, He decides right from wrong.  And wrong always hurts us, in one way or another.   And the heartless soul that betrays the Good Lord, the most compassionate, fair, and understanding Being in existence deserves what He recieves.   Please do not let me forsake you Lord.  Help me to be faithful even unto death.  Keep me.

Chapter XIV
Perfer et obdura, dolor hic tibi proderit olim
(Be strong and endure, someday this pain will be useful to you. – Ovid) 

“Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. “James 1:12

It has been a long treterous road to overcome  my lust.  There are no gay thoughts emotions or  feelings.   Its a long story how it got bad and better.  When I was a child I used to have a pure mind with no homosexual thoughts.  But weird attractations sent me down a bad path of porn.  It consumed me.  It almost destyoed me.  But God had mercy and thank God I never crossdressed.  It was so very evil, so very wicked, and should not even be named amongst heathen.  I ask that my family and loved ones please find it in their heart to forgive me.  I’m so sorry it got so bad.  I hope I didn’t let you down.  Forgive me, Lord God Almighty.  I had such hatred towards myself for this sin.   I wanted to kill myself for this.  But its all gotten so much better.  Thank you Jesus.  

I believe Christ has the same power to heal all sicknesses and infirmaties as when He did when He walked the earth.  But without faith and repentence (the two are connected), how can He?   And why should He?  Why should He heal someone when they will not repent of their sins?  Oftentimes the very casue of infirmaties or sicknesses is sin.   If we are healed, will we continue in our evil ways or hatred of the Almighty and His teachings?   What would be the point of healing?  We will fall into worse sins and end up worse off than before. (John 5:14 “See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you.”).    And is not spiritual healing far more important than any other?  Our bodies transpire, yet our souls are immortal.   The point of physical and mental Healing and Miracles is for spiritual salvation. (believe the works, that you may know and believe that the Father is in Me, and I in Him- John 10:38).  Why would God heal someones physical or mental ailment if He’s just gonna send them to Hell for all eternity?  Christ and His elect do miracles so that people will undertand in like fashion He can also save them from their sins (and all manner of pain and sorrow) so that they may repent and turn to the Almighty Savior.  Christ wants to do the greatest miracle of all: salvation.  And salvation is the only way to truly be free.   

I often used to think what if?  What if I had never lost my mind?  Or had never gotten into porn? Or had never had to move at the worst possible times?   I used to think I would have been somehting great.  But I’ve come to realize those pains and sufferings are what shaped me into what I am today.   I would not be as honest, strong, or brave to name a few attributes that were strenghtened directly becaseu of my hardships.  Ive developed character.  And learened perserverance.  I have come to realize it was a blessing to go through thte valley.   AT the time it was hell, and I barely held on.  But Jesus carried me when I cried out to Him.  And now I give thanks for the hell I went through.  It was worth it all.  I thank Almighty Christ that He taught me how to walk with Him, and how to endure pain.    And if He calls me to go through another valley, I pray He walk with me through that future Hell.  With Christ, I can overcome.  With Christ, a nobody like me can move mountains.  And with Christ, not even the gates of hell shall not previal.  

Although I was a good kid, I obeyed blinded often.  That was good for the time, but we must mature as we age.  It is good to know why we do things.  As children, we learn to obey, but do not know why.  As we grow we need to learn why.  The higher we go in any aspecet, school, work, sports, the more we need to know why.  As a worker, I just need to know how to do a task.  As a manager, I need to know why.  So it is with God.  We can be baby Christains all our life and just obey.  Or we can mature and know why (not for everything, as none of us will be superior to the omniscient God).  It will help us to better follow God and serve Him.  You will not understand why easily.  It will take years of searching and wrestling God.  Sometimes you just gotta trust and obey without knowing why.  If you have doubt, but still obey God, that counts for something.  But if you want to press forword and give God your all, you must not give up.  If it isn’t important, God will show that to you.  But if it’s something you are struggling with, then when you do discover why or what you are supposed to do, there’s not just be peace but blessing.  And you will draw closer to the all knowing, loving God.  He wants you to to wresting and mull over the truths, because He wants you to have a deep root in truth.  That way, when you find truth or whatever you were looking for, you will be unshakable, a powerhouse for Christ.  

I think one of the most important things for any Chrsitain, if not the most important thing, is to not give up.  Perseerverence is the key to anything in life, and being a Christain is no different.  You have to keep pressing foreward on the narrow road of the Chrsitain life.  If you sin or mess up, learn to forgive, keep repenting, and move foreward in Chrsit.  Do not beat yourself up.  Instead, learn to forgive yourself, just as Christ forgives you.  Rememebr the words of the Great Creator God Christ:  If your brother sin against you seven times in one day and from his heart asks for forgivenss, forgive him.  If Christ expects you to forgive as many times as someone sins against you, will not He forgive infinatly, so long as you repent from the heart?  Do the best you can while looking to Him for the answers.  All the while you will grow closer to him.   And when you fall, you must learn to forgive yourself and march foreward as a good soldier.  Christ knows you are imperfect.  He knows you will stumble from time to time.  But He wants you to be strong and brave and go foreward anyway.  The low difficult points of life are what shapes us into greater and more compassionate beings.  Even if things don’t make sense and you feel like a worthless vile sinner, you must keep seeking after the Christ.  You cannot give up, even if you keep doing wrong.   He expect contition and sorrow, but do not let it linger.  And if you seek after Him and obey Him, you will eventually overcome your struggles, even if the whole world is against you.  It may take far longer than anything you anticipated, but in doing so, you will become so much more than you thought possible.  But the greatest treasure you will find is to know and walk with the Christ.  And no one can take that away from you.  

I suffered for a reason.  There was purpose behind the lonliness, the abominatable lusts, and the depression and all that came with the mental ilness,  God allowed me to suffer to mold me and shape me for a greater cause.  We all suffer in one way or anohter, and this is not because God is agaisnt us or hates us.  IT is quite the opposite.  We go through hard times because God loves us.  He is trying to draw us closer to Him and He molds us into something greater.  If nothing goes wrong in our life, why would we turn to God?  And by suffering, we learn to turn towards and seek after God.  This in turn gives us more joy and satisfaction than we once thought possible.  It gives us purpose, meaning, and such depth.  Jesus is so kind, merciful, and perfect in every way, and we must seek Him to experiecne His depth of love.  Seeking after Jesus is the true definition of the pursuit of happiness.  But this pursuit will last for all eternity if we stay on course.  And though we be burned at the stake for our love of Chrsit, we end victorious, immortal, and never to be hurt again.     

Jesus has taught me so much.  I have grown in depth and undertanding of so much, depsite my shortcomings and weaknesses.  He has taught me that I am very small and that He is everything.  I learned that I am nothing, but I want that.  Christ deserves credit for saving me, healing me, and bringin me though the hard times (not to mention He created me and molded me throughout my life).  I do not want to be something if it takes me away from Christ.  I’d rather have Him than money, praise, fame, or even success.  Some of the greatest tempatations to take us away from the Creator are guised in good intentions.  Ambition, good works, and even cofindence in ourselves can steer us down the wrong path.  And no matter how great or wise we become, we must understand how small and pitiful of a race we are.  Yet Christ did not die in vain.  He can redeem even man.  And let us not take credit where credit belongs elswhere.  Remember the words of Christ “when you have done all that you are commaneded to do, say ‘we are unworthy and unprofitable servants.  We did what was our duty to do.’  For without me, you can do nothing.”  And again the scripture saith, “unless the Lord watches over, the watchmen watches in vain.”  One of my deepest prayers is that Christ be exalted.  Not any man.  Christ alone deserves praise, glory, and worship.  One of the greatest signs of a false prophet is that he loves the praise of man.  God did not create man to be elevated.  He created man to become the sons of God and elevate Him.  

Where I go from here is not entirely known to me.  God has given me clues in dreams and by speaking to my heart.  I’ve struggled with the weight and responsibility of my calling.  Who am I to be an important figure?  After all I can be timid, shy, and lacking in confidence (and intelligence).  I view myslef as the least of my brothers.  At certain points of my life I honestly thought I was retarted.   Yet God wants me to do something big, even if I dont want it.  As far as I go, and what excatly I do  are for you to speculate, me to ponder, and God to know.  Nevertheless, whether my role be great or small is of little importance, but that I do the will of the Christ.  I think the greatest words ever spoken by a man is this: “neverthless not my will, but thine be done.”  In context, Jesus was about suffer the wrath of God for all the sins of humanity.  He knew the horror He was about to endure.  Neverthelss, He obeyed.  And I pray whereever God leads me, I obey the same way.  My life shouldn’t be wasted on living for my own selfish deisres and ambitions.  Whatever He asks me to give up, from entertainment to an easy life to home or kin, I pray I obey Him.  I pray I am willing to give up anything and everything for Him.  I pray I build a deep root in Him and stray not to the left or to the right and not be ensnared by the treasures of this life.  I pray whether rich or poor I stay on the straight and narrow, not too proud and not too depressed.  I pray that He watch over and protect me and provide all my needs.  I pray that I remain true and faithful to the Christ all the days of my life, up to my last breath.  And if I stumble, I pray I get back up and keep going foreward.   I pray that whatever hardship He asks me to go on, that He gives me the strength to endure and be faithful to Him all the way.  I pray the higher the calling in my life, the more He help me and guide me.  I pray that Christ be elevated in my life, and that when people hear my words, they  forget me, do not praise or elevate me, and instead seek after Christ, praise and elevate Him, and learn to walk with Him.   

As I wish no one to look to me as a savior, all saints and heroes of bible were not intended to be worshiped, gloryfied, or even praised.  They works are written for us to learn from their mistakes, good attributes, and struggles they endured.  They teach us how to walk with God, obey His law, and what God expects from us.   They show us how to act and what to imitate.  Anyone today can walk as close to Jesus, be as righteous (or have any virtue/ godly characteristic as great as the heroes of the bible), and do the mighty miracles that these saints performed.  Women have a different role sure (they will never be pastors or leaders)  but that should not deter them.   They can serve the creator in ways perhaps more important ways: motherhood and prayer warriors.   Some of the brightest lights in heaven will be Godly women who were not in the spotlight.  This is not a knock on women.  They just need to know their role.  Those who do will be infinatly superior than the arrogant  women that put themselve in the place of man and reject the laws and ways of the Almighty.  These are an anembaressment to the human race, and the only real good they serve is as an easy target to mock.  Yet God can redeem everyone.  It’s mostly up to the creature, the Creator is ready and willing.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, for God will not hold him guiltless who taketh His name in vain.  I used to think that this meant not to say “oh my g#@” or “J@$*&.”  Which, although true, is not all this commandemnt enatails.  When it says “the name of God”  or when new testament verses say “the name of Jesus,” it is much more than just the name.  It represents the essence of that person (here Diety).  And its not just some shallow command to not just say certain words that you revernce.  Rather it is a commandment of the heart, mind, and soul to reverence and honor Almighty God in everything you do.  Everything small, big, and in between action, thought, emtotion, word, needs to hold the Almighty in reverence.  This is how you love the Lord thy God with all they heart, soul, and mind.  By giving Him everything, and respecting His position as Almighty Creator.  God wants you to honor Him by obeying Him.  Other ways, like disregarding the Holy things of God, tempting Him, or deliberally disobeying, you are taking the name of God in vain.  You are taking the very instructions that He has instructed to you personally and are making making light, or vain, of them by rebelling against Him.  Also, taking God’s name in vain is treating Holy things that pertain to God, like His Holy Word, with disrespect or obscenity (not necessisary verbal obscenity).    The following analogy is something most people should and did understand, but satanic forces have obfuscated.  The american flag is something all americans should reverence and respect.  When anyone sees that flag in the world, they know it represents America and its people, past and present.   People have died protecting that flag out of honor for what it represents.  If someone were to burn that flag, vandalize it, or disresepct it, they are burning, vandalizing, and disrespceting the nation and all that comes with it.  Their filipant attitude shows they hate america, its beliefs, culture, and people.  No matter what they say, actions speak lounder than words.  And these people that despise the flag despise this great land and its people and all the good we’ve done (like literally be the first nation in the history of the world to really make a push to end slavery, and one of the first to actually do it).  In the same way the flag represents all in and of the counrty and therefore you could say is a symobol and representtion of America, God’s name is a symbol and representation of God.  So when the Bible says “believe in His name ,” they are not saying some shallow, mental or spoken belief; this is a form of taking God’s name in vain.  Rather, they are saying you believe in all that name entails and are dedicated to the ways, beliefs, commandemnts of the Christ.   What good is a name if there is no one behind it?  And what good is believing in a name if there is no action or mentaility that changes?  Is that even believing?  You’ll have a better chance of getting a hundred dollar bill by saying you believe in the name of benjamin franklin than you will of going to heaven by saying you “believe” in the name of Christ without any repentence, change, or dedication. 

Freedom isn’t free. Neither is grace.  Yes, it doesn’t cost filthy lucre or empty good works.   Rather, the price of eternal life is far heavier.  Your time, dream, hopes, sinful pleasures, your life also, is required.   You reap what you sow.  And if you sow shelfishness and a life a pleasure you reap eternal hellfire.  If you sow religious hypocracy, you will reap all the lies that come with it.  Dont think this precious gift is just haphazardly handed to you.   There is a reason salvation is a process, and that you must seek God diligently until you find Him.   God’s not this superficial being who just hands everyone the new birth who says “i believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.”  How shallow do you think the Almighty Savior, who suffered more than any man could, is?  He expects total commitment, to love Him with everything you have.  Now this doesn’t mean you be a religious zealot.  Christ Himself was not a religious zealot.  He was a man of truth and mercy.   It’s not about keeping the law 100% or looking down on others for their shortcomings.  Yes we desire all to come to know the peace and confort that only the Creator can bestow.  But one of the best ways to witness is by living a Godly, righteous life of mercy without denying our values.  Your walk is about following Christ in wisdom and sincerity.  Do this to the best of your ability, and always be pressing forword.  You do not have to save every soul, that is the job of the Savior (remember you cant even save your own).  Maybe you’ll get a chance to share a truth or something God has done for you.  And certainly pray hard for souls to find Christ.  But you, o child of God, keep your eyes on the eternal Potentate, who will not let you down.  He will guide you, if you let Him.   And remember that He is the one who saves you, watches over you, protects you, guides you, and keeps you.  You do your part by seeking Him, trusting Him, and obeying Him as best you can.  

  To my Christin brethern and sisters, stay vigilent and do not let all the weights and distractions of life take you away from your beloved Savior.   I charge those Christians to remember Peter’s words in 1 Peter 1:17: “And if ye call on the Father, who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man’s work, pass the time of your sojourning here in fear.”  You can fall always, slowly or suddenly.  Do not think you are set for life.  Be a rugged soldier, with a mind that you are in lifelong war for your soul.  For those who believed once saved, always saved, read Ezekiel 18:24 :|”24 But when the righteous turneth away from his righteousness, and committeth iniquity, and doeth according to all the abominations that the wicked man doeth, shall he live? All his righteousness that he hath done shall not be mentioned: in his trespass that he hath trespassed, and in his sin that he hath sinned, in them shall he die.”  Furthemore we see firsthand a believer fall away.  In Phelimon 24, paul writes of demas:  “Marcus, Aristarchus, Demas, Lucas, my fellowlabourers.” later saying in 2 timothy 4:10 “For Demas hath forsaken me, having loved this present world, and is departed unto Thessalonica;”  Doest thou not understand you reap what you sow?  Even if you find Christ and at one point love Him, if you sow enough evil and reject Christ, you will reap eternal hellfire.  God is not this shallow superficial being who just forgets all your evils and your rejections of Him.  “Unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.”- God the Almighty Judge.   He is a righteous judge, even amongst His people.  He sees all, knows all, and although merciful and kind, will repay evil to those who do not repent.  God will not be mocked. 

We just live in a scoiety of isolation, were its weird and wrong to open up to friends, to start a friednly conversatoin with a stranger.  I get some people and conversations need to be avoided and should be.    I get people are rude, mean, and judgmental.  But how we claim to be a Christain nation if we cant keep a simple command of loving our nieghbor?  Yes, we want to stay firm on our pricniples and truths we hold so dear without letting others influence us poorly.  But we also must love our neightbor.  And not in a false religious way.  I get you need to love many people from a distance, or their will be harm.  But does everyone need to be loved from a distance?  And just because someone is an awful person, aren’t we taught to love our enemies?  Should we look down at others, even if they have bad beliefs, even if thy are heritics?  We must stand firm, we may correct, and might even cut some people off if need be.  But does that need to hold that true for every case?  Doesn’t loving our nieghnbor or enemy mean showing them kindness, even when they deserve none and we get none back?  The vilest of sinners needs to be shown the love of Christ as Christ came to save all, from the prostitutes and homosexuals to the greedy business leaders to the scumbag celebraties and media members (although I have little hope for the last two groups).  And Chrsitains, not everyone needs to know everything about Christ.  If they’re open, you can share joyfully.  But some people either dont want to hear it, or just need kindness shown apart from religion.   Maybe the’ve been scarred too much by religious hypocrites.  Maybe they have have too much going on in their life.  Maybe ther just not open at the time.   And some people just hate God and His word.  Pray for the best for them, but dont waste your time on some people.  Use wisdom and seek God to gain understanding of when and who to approach.   Remember that God is Almighty, and is always working in people.  Trust Him to reach out to them, to give them understanding, and to save them.  Christ seeks after people more than they seek after them.   He is infinatley powerul and always active in mans souls.   Christ is the Lord of souls, who sees all, knows all, and is the savior to all mankind, even those who hate and despise Him.    They may still one day face eternal hellfire, but Christ still died for their sins.  That’s how much love He has for His creaton, He suffered everything even for those who will never accept Him.  Their damnation is just.

I suppose that most people who read this book will mock me, hate me, slader my good name and villyfy me.  But for those indiviuals who can handle the truth, and are thankful for me sharing my weaknesses and testamony, let me tell you how you can repay me.  Not with filthy lucre, or fleeting praise, but bless me by seeking after the Almighty.  First, give thanks and glory to the one true God, the Christ, for the the things he has done for you and me.  Make no mistake, God was the one who saved me, who healed me, who molded and shaped me into what I was.  And it was God who reached out to me, kept me, and gave me the understanding I have.  And He can do the same and greater for any man woman or child who comes to Him in deep contrition, sincere repentence, and unrelenting importunity.  Second, repent of all the things, big and small, that you know God does not approve of.  We all have things we can do better, and I want you to do them better from a sincere heart until it becomes second nature.  God will not just work with you, but do most of the heavy lifting, if you let Him.  Remember that although God dersires mercy and not sacrifice, even for ourselves, His expectations are for you to give Him everything you’ve got.  Give God everything, and God will pay you back more than you thought possible, giving you all the just desires of heart and more.  Fixing our issues often takes time, wisdom, and intense struggles.  And if we really want to solve our problems and sins, we need the Savior.  So ask for His help, be honest with Him, and realize He is for us and is in it for the long haul.  You may slip and fall, but if you come to Him in contrition and sincerity, He will always pick you up.  Third, live a life worthy of the Christ.  Never feel as though you’ve attained, keep pressing foreward.  Give Him everything so that when you stand before His high and lofty throne and see Him in His glory, you need have nothing to be ashamed of and therefore will not be terrified of His judgment.   Rather, you will hear His words of cheer “well done, my good and faithful servant.”  Give up whatever He asks, forsake whomever He tells you to, do as He commands, and go where He sends.  Use wisdom.  thats how you will know what is of God and what is not.    James 1:5: ” If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”   If you are unsure of anything, seek Him until it is clear.   Learn to trust in God for everything, big and small.  He wants to provide for you, protect you, and be your God.  Trust not in the things of this world: people will inevitablly let you down, money has no power to save or heal, and idealologies or philosphies that do not point you to Christ only take you away from Him.  All who desire to live forever must go through Christ.  All other paths lead to damnation.  But those who endure to the end, who will shine as the sun, if I make it too, we will have all eternity to tell each other of our endevours, struggles, and victories in this world.  I am looking forward to hearing your stories and the mighty works Christ did for you.   I expect miracles and joyful testamonies.  Be faithful to Christ and make Him the centerpiece of your life and we will have our eternal time of rest. I pray that God take care of His people in the trails and tribulations this nation is due.   Hold on to the words and promises of Christ: Revaltons 2:10: “Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. “  Everyone will one day die, but those of us who truly love Christ shall life forever.  Be not afriad of death or torment, rather be afraid of failing the Almighty, and the eternal death and torment He shall recompense.    As I have said before, I say again:  honor, praise, and follow not me, a sinful man, but the only one deserving and worthy of your adoration, praise, and obeidience:  the Flawless Almight Christ.  

In the end, all of us will be judged not by what man thinks of us, but by what God thinks of us.  We have to take a good honest look at ourselfs and comapre it to the words and commandments of Christ.  Man’s opinion is fleeting and everchanging, and little is to be gained by it, God is constant, fair, and just.  Any man sent to hell deserves it.  But if we seek to please Him and do His will, our rewards will be eternal.  Yet on this earth, no matter what I do, I hope that I am not be lifted up as some kind of great saint or an infallible legend that could do no wrong.  Do not overpraise me.  I want people to realize I am a deeply flawed individual who has done a lot of wrong.  I want to be rembered as a man who tried to do his best before God.  I want to be known as an indivudal who struggled immensely yet God kept, redeemed, and never gave up on.  I want people to understand I fought God in so many ways and He had to break me down to build me up and create any goodness that came out of me.  I want Christ to be elevated and glorified.  He deserves it.  And on my grave, if I can remain true and faithful to the one true God to the very end, I want three verses to be written on it:  1)when you have done all that I have commanded you to do, say we are unprofitable servants, we did what was our duty to do 2)  without me you can do nothing and 3)unless the Lord watches over, the watchman watches in vain.  Truly, unless the Lord  had gone before and unless He was with me, all of my actions and words would be have been in vain.  Lord Jesus, gloryfy thy name in the nation that you created and once reigned over as King.  Help this people to once again worship you in sincerity and truth.  And let us be a Christain nation not just in word and appearance , but rather in deed and truth.  Amen.

Respice Finem

So send I you 


So send I you—to labor unrewarded,
To serve unpaid, unloved, unsought, unknown,
To bear rebuke, to suffer scorn and scoffing—
So send I you to toil for Me alone.

So send I you—to bind the bruised and broken,
O’er wand’ring souls to work, to weep, to wake,
To bear the burdens of a world aweary—
So send I you, to suffer for My sake.

So send I you—to loneliness and longing,
With heart a hung’ring for the loved and known,
Forsaking home and kindred, friend and dear one—
So send I you, to know My love alone.

So send I—to leave your life’s ambition,
To die to dear desire, self-will resign,
To labor long, and love where men revile you—
So send I you, to lose your life in Mine.

So send I you—to hearts made hard by hatred,
To eyes made blind because they will not see,
To spend, tho it be blood, to spend and spare not—
So send I you to taste of Calvary.
“As the Father hath sent Me, So send I you.”

Book 2

The Madmans Vision for America

Psalm 22:28 For kingship belongs to the Lord, and he rules over the nations. 

sic semper tyrannis

thus always to tyrnats

Summum ius summa inuria.

  • Translation: “More law, less justice.”

Ill give america everything ive got.  But the american people gotta promise to give Almighty Christ everything they’ve got.  

One nation of one homogoneous, 100% white people, unider the one true God, Christ.   (keep going)a

Christ prefered his people.  Paul spread gospel to jews first.  And the apostles loved and had a heart for their people first and foremost.  (expnad).

 It always amazes me that after nearly a century of brainwashing in nearly every facet of socety, the majority of americans still despsie communism and many teachings it propigates.  It doesn’t matter how many gay or feminist movies or television shows you put out.  It doesn’t matter how many lies you spread in our education system.   It doesn’t matter how far you twist the truth in the media or the wicked laws you create and enforce.  My people are too deeply rooted in the free spirit of our foretahers to be controld by these lies.  Tthe morality of the righteous pilgrims is to engrained in us that we will never be communist.   We will give our lives before we allow our nation to sucomb to that.  And my people, the true americans, to whom belongeth the promises and blessings of our fathers, are not as dumb as we are portrayed.  We will never surrender our guns because we understand it is our last line of defence against the government.  We understand how evil governments are and see firsthand the tryanny and hypocracy of our “leaders.”  I am proud to call myslef a white american, there is no other nation and no other people in the history of the world I would want to belong to.  My people are so special and precious in my eyes.  They hate the hypocracy of religious leaders who call themselves “Christain.”  Stay strong, and be ready.  Turn to the Almighty, and He will heal your wounds.  Seek Him and He will give you reward you bountifully.  Stay faihthful, and He will give you peace even amongst choas.  Our God is with us, even in death.  And He has not forgotten the white americans, He has not fogotten His people.  

I burn with uncontrollable rage for justice in our laws, for rigtheousness in our culture, for compitent leaders that value their people and their nation over money and praise.  I’m once hated the prospect of power, of leading, of for a multtitde of reasons.  I hated the spotlightand, doubting myself, I was incompitenet and didn’t have what it takes, I did’t want what the responsibility and the weight of a people on my shoulder.  And I certainly didn;t want to deal with all the lies and slander associated with a man fighting for whats right.  No one would be on my side but the common man.  Yet that is what keeps me going.  I see the opression of my fellow white man and deisre justice.  I see the lies so many of my white sisters have bought into and only desire to set them free from their mental slavery and make them whole, make them happy.  I see people who have no right to be here, to call themsleves American, spit on my people and what we have created.  They mock us, berade us, and belittle us while we welcome them with open arms and show them the love of God.  But how is is the love of God when they rape us, kill us, and take advantage of us in any way they can.  How are we loving our people?  This is not their home, and never will be.   There will never be peace, until we are a 100% white, Christ centered nation.  A house divided cannot stand.   And how can we be united with the whole world?  Are we even a nation?  Or just a conglamerate of people from all over the world, sharing nothing in common but love of money, and nice things.  We certainly dont share culture or beliefs, or we wouldnt’t need to make special laws for people based on their color.   You can call me every name in the book, but I will die with love for my nation, my people, and my God.  Wehter I like it or not, whether I want it or not,  God allowed my to suffer for a purpose, and I will not let down my beloved Savior.  I do not know why He chose me, but I will follow Him wherever He sends me.  And if that is a failure after failure, mockings and lonliness, rejection by those I love so dearly and fight for, or a lfe of torment, I trust the Almighty.  He hasn;t failed me thus far, and I am eagerly awaiting to see His steadfast eyes that flame like fire, to hear His soothing voice of many waters, to feel the peace and joy He gives that this current body cannot contain.   He is so precious to me, I will be the scourge of society, the the mockery of men, the castaway my own country for Him.  I want the world to know that Christ is the King of America.  

I may not be much, or have much to give, but I will give everything I have for this nation.  Just promise me, you, the people, will give everything you have to the one true God of this nation, Jesus Christ.  

Star Spangeled Banner

Francis Scott Key

O say can you see, by the dawn’s early light, What so proudly we hail’d at the twilight’s last gleaming, Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight O’er the ramparts we watch’d were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket’s red glare, the bomb bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there, O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 

On the shore dimly seen through the mists of the deep Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes, What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep, As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses? Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam, In full glory reflected now shines in the stream, ‘Tis the star-spangled banner – O long may it wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave! 

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore, That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion A home and a Country should leave us no more? Their blood has wash’d out their foul footstep’s pollution. No refuge could save the hireling and slave From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave, And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave. 

O thus be it ever when freemen shall stand Between their lov’d home and the war’s desolation! Blest with vict’ry and peace may the heav’n rescued land Praise the power that hath made and preserv’d us a nation! Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, And this be our motto – “In God is our trust,” And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave. 

Coda part 1 war

I hate war as much as my fellow american.  Yet I know it is sometimes innevitable to maintiant our freedoms and independence.   I can stand a just war for our people in defense.  But I vehemnely hate any war for economy, for filthy lucre, to make men rich at the lives of our precious men.  I hate wars fought to spread democracy, or telling other countries how to operate.  Why should we tell others how to run their governmnet?  How we like it if foreign nations told us how to run our governemnt?  Democracy is for a moral and righteous people only.  Lets face it, most of the world aint moral and righteous.  And if we really want to stop their heinious crimes, like raping their daughters and neices, beating their wives, beheding and persecuting christiains, or pushing sexual immorality like transgenderism among our youth or murdering their own children (we aint so good eihter, are we?), there aer other ways than war, arnt there?  And no, I dont mean by giving them more money, that seems to be the solution for everyhting, but it never works.  My idea is to use trade as a weapon for morality.  If they rape their daughters and nieces, we jack up tarriffs on that country.  If they behead or persecute Christians (the only religion worth protecting, as it is the only True one and the most persecucted and we are a Chrisatin people, a Chrisitan nation)  we first jack up tarriffs and eventually quit trading with the scum if they dont stop.   If we do evnetually go to war, it will finallt be a just war, in our defense.  Isn’t it just to stand for truths like these?  And if the nations reject after trade, and do want to wage war with us after we try peace,  will not God be on our side, if we do it all with righteousness?  At least we will have a good reason to fight.  But I think economocially is the way to go, and most nations do not want war, but still love money.  Moeny talks, after all, and this way we dont waste our most precious recource, or greatest source of strength.  

Im so tired of hearing about our men die in these endless wars around the globe that do nothing to better americans lives.  It is not only the fact we dont fight in just wars,  but also that they do nothing to enrich our lives.  They only things we get are making the rich richer, get us more minority immigrants that hate us and our country, and the death of our great men.  It rips my heart out to hear of the death of my fellow american getting killed in some foreign war for the most foolish of causes.  Why are we spreading democracy in the middle east?  That’s not even what makes us great, and lets be honest, thats not why we are there.  Maybe it was oil, but i’ve heard from third party sources that soldiers say they are guarding heroine fields.  So the rich can get rich easier and spread opiods to our people.   Thanks, sackmans.  My heart goes out to all the parents that burry their sons, the wives that are widowed, and the children made fatherless.   These monsters that send our men to these useless wars must be held accountable.  I dont want to see more of my people suffer like this.  I dont want to hear anmore soldiers kill themselves because of the horrors and guilt from these vain wars.  You are still heroes.  Dont listen to the proud arrogant snobs who blame you for war and the attrocioties.  You are only serving your country, only serving your people.   You deserve honor and respect, and one day things will be as they should.  Remeeber that Almighty God can forgive to the uttermost.  He knows that the things you did were in war, He forgives if you let Him forgive you.  He feels your pain, your loss your guilt and sorrow.  I realize ive never been to war, never seen the atrocioties that youve seen.  But I believe that God can heal anything, can save anyone, can free any guilt, and can forgive any act.  Forgive me, if its not my place, I know ive never been to war.  But I hate that my people are treated as scum, are used as pawns, and are murdered inderectly by these mosters.  It ripps me up to see these soldiers die for their country and then see some people spit on their graves and disrespect the flag they died for.  And it is so heartbreaking to hear the horrors the surviving ones go through.  Please, pray for our vets.  Some things only God can heal.  And the suicides that so many commite when they are home there aren’t words to descibe how it rips my heart.  My people, my precious fellow americans, dont even die in the war.  They make it back home, and the trauma, the horror of it all is too much to bear.  The men responsible for these wars must be held accountable for their deaths.  If no one else cares, I do.  My heart goes out to the familys that lost such an irreplaceable part of their lives.  Please, pray for them.  We must end these wars, for our peoples sake.  

Veterens get governet jobs

coda part2: lasciviousness

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:

That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;

Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:

In dubio abstine.

When in doubt, abstain.

My heart goes out to the youth today who struggle with homosexuality of any form.  They are taught lie after lie that no harm will come of this.  But it destroys them on the inside (and out), often having irreparable consequeses that destroys their life.  Homosexuality destroys lives, families, societies, and even nations.  In the guise of good, evil is permitted.  Why?  To make people feel better?  Maybe for a moment, but the repercussions are overwhelmingly horrific.  Let no sick SOB ever tell someone it is okay to be a homosexual, transsexual, or even crossdresser.  Those people that say it is okay deserve to go to hell, especially if they push it on kids and youth.  You are sick.  You have no idea the hell it is to suffer from this mental illness.   The pain that is caused by going against nature (and intrinsically  God’s law) is profound.  And the guilt and shame dont leave.  Sure, the pleasures of the evil may make the person happy for a small time or season.  But they will suffer depression, guilt, and hatred of themselves perpetually because it goes agianst what is right and natural, and all men know that in their hearts.  People have to be trained to think otherwise.  You people that push this on the youth are worse than the detestable way islam treats women in my mind.  YOU destroy lives.  YOU are the problem.   Is it tough to overcome?  I think it is one of the most difficult things for anyone in this life to overcome.  The individual who suffers from it will have to deny themselves, and go against your own feelings and emotions.  But in the end, the victory is so sweet, and the sanity and saneness is such bliss compared to the alternative.  People that struggle with this never overcome the pains and sorrows if they never overcome the warped lusts.  If you really cared about the indivudal, you would want them to get over their homosexual thoughts, emotions, and desires.  Otherwise you are only making it worse.  Should you tell someone that is addicted to porn to do more of it and to make themsleves happy?  It doesn’t hurt anyone, right?  Wrong, it hurts them and destroys them.  All humans have a spiritual side that is effected by everything we do.  And sexual sins, from pornography to fornication to homoxexauity and worse, degragate the soul.  And it permiates society.  Homosexuality is a cancer that will only get worse and worse unless people are their to help make it stop.  Should we hate the people who struggle with it?  We do not hate them by letting them continue in their sin of pain, but we love them by helping them overcome their consuming lust.  Is it a difficult challenge to overcome?  Yes, but Chrsit is the not just the Almighty Creator, but the Almighty Healer.  After all, Chrsit can save to the uttermost.  

Now, everyone that stuggles with homosexual or transexual lusts can chose to follow their lusts like the world says.  Yes, they can be homosexuals or transexuals, even if it should not and will not be tolerated under law or society.  But they must suffer the consequenses.  They must suffer all the depression, anguish, mockings and rejections that are deserved , and all the sick torments that come with a reprobate mind.  Im all for mercy.  But only if there is a desire to get right in this situation.  And it is not mercy to allow these people to destroy themselves and others.  It is a form of hate to allow this debotchery.  They must live a life of constant mental torchure, being that which they themselves know is wrong and living with the knowledge that they are not what they were born to be nor what would give them the most happiness.  They must chose to embrace the overwemlming sexual lusts and pleasure over pure genuine happiness that comes with purity.  Even those hetersexual hypersexuals or any kind of sexual sinner suffers the strong desires and guilt and shame will feel better eventually when they quelch those desires.  You dont tell a hypersexual to fufill their lustful dreams and have as much sex as they want, do you?  Neither do you tell a homosexual or someone who claims they are “born the wrong gender” to fufill their sick desires.  It hurts all of society, from the family to community to country.  And these sick perversions, from pornagraphy to pedillipia, spread like cancer and only lead to worse debotchery.   

Im not saying overcoming it will be easy, as concquering any problem, especially one that conusmes you, is never easy.  But the alternative, to gut it out, take the pains and torment that come with denying your vile passion for a season will eventually get you that happiness you are looking for.  It may take years, or even more than a decade, but trust me, the reward is more than worth the crushing toil of going straight (pun not intended).  When that season of wretchedness and misery is over, you will feel such peace, such happiness to be in your right mind and right state of being.  And you can finally find true love and attraction that you once though impossible.   Its taking the pain in toment now for peace and happiness later.   It’s suffering now doing the right thing to be rewarded with riches later.  Hard work can be grinding and miserable and just plain not fun.  No one wants to work but its the right thing to do.  We oftten dont think of this, the you gain so much from working, like independence, money to help others or provide for a family, and all the intanglable benefits  like self confidence, discipline, compitence, self respect, friends and the cool people you meet and I could go on and on.  They are worth the grind and challenge.  The alternative is being lazy and living off welfare for the pleasures of that lifestyle, which has crippling effects.   In the word of God, “you reap what you sow.”  And sowing sexual impurity of any kind will reap horrific punishments that are inversly proportional to the gravity of debotchery.  The worse the sin you practice, the worse the toment you will experience.   But if you can hang on and try your best to go on the straight and narrow, God will met you more than halfway.  You give God an honest, genuinine inch toward Him with actions that prove it, and He will move lightyears toward you to aid you in your stuggle.  It wont be solved over night, but, if you keep griding, you will be made whole.   

I feel as though many of these horrors of sexual immorality are self inflicted by society.  If all forms of pornography were banned, it would free so many young men from the unwanted pains that come with it.  Not to mention it only leads deeper down the rabbit hole.  If no extreme romance novels were allowed for women, they wouldn’t be quite so messed up.  That’s not the only reason, but, yes, its just porn for women.  And that’s gotta cause issues with them.   If we never condoned fornication as a society, it would not lead to so many issues.  Abortions, torn up homes, bastard children, lack of faithfulness, fillipant attitude of marriage and the other sex, increase in sexual diseases, and more are all rooted in, and mostly directly caused by, fornication.   Not to mention it only leads to more sexual impurtiy that is worse.  I knew a friend who told me he had a friend who had so much sex, he became a homosexual.   Do people honestly think committing sexual immorality over and over is gonna lead to anything good?  Or that you are one day just gonna quit, cold turkey?   Any habit, good or bad, that we pracitce gets ingrained within us until, if we practice it enough, becomes second nature and a part of who we are.   

If you dont stop the homosexual thoughts and feelings early on, it will only get worse and worse, until its painful to reject these evil thought and feelings.  Yet when society permiates and obsesses over this horrific lifestyle, they astronomically compound issues that in some instances, may have never been there.  You are telling me that young 7 year olds are gonna tell there parents they want a sex change without teachers and society forcing it on them though every medium? They may have the thought of wondering what its like to be a girl or boy, but it will quickly vanish naturally.  And if we teach them right from wrong, they will listen, espically if its the truth.   Heck, I read an innocent childrens book on a boy kissing his elbow and turning into a girl at a young age.  This made me, out of curiousity, try to kiss my elbow and have a brief thought of being a girl.  But that thought vanished as fast as it came, because it was not grounded in reality, and I didn;t really wanna be a girl.  Maybe there are kids that are effeminate, and do have issues.  But if we help and guide them, we can steer them in the right direction.   They do not have to embrace their demons, even that young.  Why does a elementary school kid even need to know about sexuality, let alone transexuality?  The sick F$&#@ that push this amongst our youth should never be allowed to be in the presence of children.  They are too filthy and threatening to be around such uncurrupted and priceless lifeforms.  We have enough sick adults out there, do we have to make our children sick too?  The less we push these saddistic viewpoints on these innocent children, the longer they can stay pure, innocent children.   

Our minds are covered in sexual thoughts by nature.  I suppose God made us this way or makind would cease to procreate.  Sometimes, these thoughts can be perverted to be extremes, but that doesn;t make them right  Yet if we fight them and tame the wild mind, which is harder for some than others, everyone benefits.  Safer society, closer homes, less mental issues (homosexuality is mental illness), and happier marraiges are some of the many benefits of a sexually pure people.  However, instead, we as a nation have embraced every form of sexual immorality.  Certain places have people openly suggested legalizing pedophilla!!!!  When will we open our eyes and see that pleasure is not always healthy or good.  Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it is.  And there are always ramifications for any action.  For those who say, it doesn’t affect me, so they can do whatever they want, what happens when you can’t oppose pedophilla?  Impossible you say.  First it was pornography and free sex being widespread, then homosexuality and now we push transexuality amongst our children.  You cannot even oppose this without being demonized.  At one point, homosexuals were as taboo as murder.  Yet, now, if you say a word against them, you can lose your career, face endless litagation, and face the wrath of the arm of satan, the media.  All for just holding your ground and believing a viewpoint of your religion.  How is that “freedom of religion.”  If you dont think being agianst homosexuality is a fundamental Christain belef, you are not Christian.  Im not gonna waste my time writing all the Bible verses that prove the Bible condemns it, but rather ask, if you dont try to follow the words of the Bible, are you even trying to follow God?  Do not give the good name of Christ such a filthy image.  You who propigate are just as bad as the scum that practice.   If this many people can buy into this lie, imagine how many will open up to the truth if presented?  Yet most agree with my stance, thank God.

Because of the widespread coverage and obession of homosexuality in every facet of socety, our minds are filled with thoughts that never would have been there.   We automatically think someone might be a homosexual out of no where because it is front in center in our mind.  If we never forced it, we would assume better of people.  We wouldnt question our own sexuality as we would know the truth and be conforted knowing its just a thought or emtotion, not a state of being (yet).   Everything is oversexualized to the point we make eggragious ungrounded assumptions for everything.  One such example I came across is while hearing the song “That’s the way” by Led Zepplin (great underrated song btw).  As I often do for songs I enjoy with equivocal lyrics, I wanted to find out the meaning.  The  first verse tells you enough and goes 

“I don’t know how I’m gonna tell you,
I can’t play with you no more,
I don’t know how I’m gonna do what mama told me,
My friend, the boy next door.
I can’t believe what people saying,
You’re gonna let your hair hang down,
I’m satisfied to sit here working all day long,
You’re in the darker side of town. “

Now, countless listeners who did no research and came to their own conclusion assumed what society had taught them.  The song was, for them, about a closet homosexual who was shunned by society.  Therefore, they couldnt play with them because society had deemed them outcasts, even though they wanted to be friends.  The listeners who claimed all this assumed because society was so anti-homosexual, they had to hide the meaning with vague termonology.  I knew these (there were too many that said similar interpretations) were lies.  Not the great led zepplin, they couldnt stoop to such lows.  They wrote lyrics about Lord of the Rings for crying out loud.  Plus it just didn’t make sense to me.  So I kept looking, and lo and behold, I was right.  I read somewhere that when interviewed about the lyrics of the song, they explained it was an alogory for their visits to America.  At the time, there was choas in  the States.   Rioting, the hippie movemnet, protests against the war, racial division, a cultural transformation, and so much animosity and division were everywhere, front and center.  And these Brits were just trying to rock.  They were confused about everything going on, and this song was metaphorical about how they felt.   Point being, if we didn’t push such sick twisted beliefs amongst our people, we wouldn’t dwell on them as much and they wouldnt enter our mind nearly at all.  Less people would think these awful thiought about people and themselves.  And society would be such a more wholesome place, to say the least.

Faith Of Our Fathers

Faith of our fathers, living still
In spite of dungeon, fire and sword,
O how our hearts beat high with joy
Whene’er we hear that glorious word!
Faith of our fathers! holy faith!
We will be true to thee till death! 

Our fathers, chained in prisons dark,
Were still in heart and conscience free;
And blest would be their children’s fate,
If they, like them should die for thee:
Faith of our fathers! holy faith!
We will be true to thee till death! 

Faith of our fathers, we will strive
To win all nations unto thee;
And through the truth that comes from God
Mankind shall then indeed be free.
Faith of our fathers! holy faith!
We will be true to thee till death! 

Faith of our fathers, we will love
Both friend and foe in all our strife,
And preach thee, too, as love knows how
By kindly words and virtuous life.
Faith of our fathers! holy faith!
We will be true to thee till death! 

coda part 4: feminsim

1 Timothy 11-15 Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control. 

Mulier est hominis confusio.

  • Translation: “Woman is man’s ruin.”


Tennessee Ernie Ford

Lord, help me live from day to day
In such a self-forgetful way
That even when I kneel to pray
My prayer shall be for—Others.


Others, Lord, yes others,
Let this my motto be,
Help me to live for others,
That I may live like Thee.

Help me in all the work I do
To ever be sincere and true
And know that all I’d do for You
Must needs be done for—Others.

Let “Self” be crucified and slain
And buried deep: and all in vain
May efforts be to rise again,
Unless to live for—Others.

And when my work on earth is done,
And my new work in Heav’n’s begun,
May I forget the crown I’ve won,
While thinking still of—Others. 

coda part 5 abortion

Exodus 21:22-25 ESV / 182 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful

“When men strive together and hit a pregnant woman, so that her children come out, but there is no harm, the one who hit her shall surely be fined, as the woman’s husband shall impose on him, and he shall pay as the judges determine. But if there is harm, then you shall pay life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.

nasciturus pro iam nato habetur, quotiens de commodis eius agitur 

The unborn is deemed to have been born to the extent that his own inheritance is concerned 

How Great Thou Art

Stuart K. Hine

O LORD my God! When I in awesome wonder
Consider all the works Thy hand hath made;
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder,

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art! How great Thou art! 

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,
And hear the brook, and feel the gentle breeze: 

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art! How great Thou art! 

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die – I scarce can take it in:
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin: 

Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art! How great Thou art! 

When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation
And take me home – what joy shall fill my heart!
Then shall I bow in humble adoration,
And there proclaim, my God how great Thou art! 

coda part 6 diversity

panem et circenses (bread and circuses): said of things offered to the masses to distract them from what they should attend to for their own benefit 

Luke 16:15 For what is highly esteemed among men is an abomination in the sight of God. 

Im gonna be called a nazi and compared to Hitler, so ill spare you the trouble and explain where our views align and don’t.  

Racism (and mysogy) dont make sense to me.  You dont know how many times ive been told: you dont know what its like to be black (or a woman).  Maybe it is hard, and opression.  Even so, why do you think I can’t sympathize?  Everyone suffers in one way or anohter.  Anyway can lose a loved one, have a horrific disease, or feel rejected by friends and society.  Are you that proud to think you’re the only ones that suffer?  Do you think we are all so priviledged that we cant feel any pain for you or sympathize with you because we are white straight men?  You think white straight men havent sufferd in any way?  Are you the only people that have ever had it hard, ever been rejected, ever been hated?  Maybe as I white man ive never been hated for my skin color, gender, or blamed for anything due to others that share these chracteristics doing things ive never done. I have, and yes, it sucks when people blame everything on your people when you do nothing wrong.  It sucks worse when you have not done anything or it is illogical.   But I dont see whites doing the majority of the crime (or most men wanting to kill their offspring).  If its because of the difference of culture of whatever you wanna call, why are you in the same country with the same laws?  If we cant abide by the same laws, how can we be equal, or function as a society? 

Do 50.3% of homocides with blakcs doing 47.4% from 1980- 2008 (table 7, page 12, US department of Justice).  Just rememeber, whites made up 83%-75.1% in 2000 (and continued downward) of poulation in 1980-2000, while blacks made up 11.7%-12.3% at same intervels (while continueing to rise).  Im not gonna do the exact math, but it seems to me a smaller population (about 12 %) is doing  more murders than the about over 70% of the population.  That means there are more balck murders than whites, even with millions less of that race.  . “The off ending rate for blacks (34.4 per 100,000) was almost 8 times higher than the rate for whites (4.5 per 100,000)” Whites dont kill as much as blacks period.  Here’s a quote directly from the departmnet of justice that proves we as a nation are rasist, our istitutions are rasist, and our government is rasitst:  “ 93% of black victims were killed by blacks.“  Why is it always white people that are blamed for eveything?  To be fair, “84% of white victims were killed by whites”.  Its just a less percetange of whites kill each other than blacks (about 50% of homoicides are from whites(over 70% of population) , while about 47% are from blacks ( about 12% of population)) .   So I guess, that kinda makes us a better people in that regard, at least.  If we just each had our own continent, we could kill each other without racism being behind it (thats kinda a sick joke, I know.  It’s just racism is the most evil thing.  Again, I went to school, I was a good student.)  .   They are intersting stats directly from the governemnt, so if you care about stats, they probably wont open your eyes because rasicm is evil only from white men.  But not as much from white women, I think.  They kinda suffered like minorities?  I dunno that was confusing in school.  They did teach me very well they both suffered immensly, I just dont know if they can be racist or blacks be sexist.  I guess as a white man, I never suffered, so I dont understand how that works. But I know that white supremecey (or white nationalism, same thing.) is the biggest threat to our nation along with toxic masculinity.  Everyone in the public spheres tells me its the white mans fault, always.   Im not gonna try to understand because if you say you agree to a woman, she will tell you you dont in certain sitiuations like this.  And minorities, espcially blacks, have a lot in common with women, so theyd say the same thing.    

 Paragraph against mixed marragies/race mixing

Growing up, I never really though about race much,  and I really didn’t care.  Some of my favorite sports players where black.  I liked a lot of minority actors.  I didn’t care either way what race they were.  I was taught that all people are equal.  As I grew older, and things in this nation got worse, my eyes were opened to the lies and propaganda.  I quit watching sports when I saw the anitamerican stance every sport took (this is a guy who lived sports growing up.  I’d read the sports section every day, whatch espn every day, as well as most nfl games and many nba games).  When they gave the middle finger to the country, I gave it right back to them.  They coulnd’t even stand for the flag.  They might as well give curses and spat on every soldier’s grave that died or fought for this land.  I do not care how “rascist” this nation is, if you can’t even resepct a country’s flag, how can you expect to respect a counries laws?  Maybe that’s why so many blacks and minorites commit so many crimes.   Actions speak louder than words, and their actions say  they hate this country.  Imagine that, the land that they were strangers in made them some of the richest people in the world, and they hate it.   Self intitled POS.  They make it so easy to quit watching sports.  I wont feel one ounce of sorrow when they are sent back to africa and the other minorites to the nations they belong.  

Why can blacks fight for blacks in media, education, government, and all areas, yet say whites cannot do the same for their people?   Yet can I criticize blacks fighting for their people?  Isn’t that the right thing for any person to do?  So why would blacks criticize me, a white man, for fighting for my people.  And do you not see the basic truth, diversity of race is division.  Each group will always, perhaps justily, fight for their group.  So why then do we want immigration from every culture and people of the world?  Why them do want diveristy of race?  How can various races of people ever be one?  Is not each people different in culture, beliefs, customs?  Every group will want their way of life to be prefered.  And what if they are at odds?  Whose side is taken?   There will never be peace until we are one people of one race.  And if we are no longer the race of the pilgrims and forefathers, can we even call ourselves “Americans?”

Will feel bad when forcing all minortites to leave america.  Certianly have mad emany friends of diifernet ehtinicitsies and races- sill coniser them friends.  Sone evern more deserving to call themselves americans than some whites.  Its is complex issues, but I must do this for the sake of the antion, my people, and to do the will of god

Every race thinks there race is superior.  If they didn’t, there’d be something wrong with them.  Why wouldn’t you be proud of your people?  Why would you think another race is superior.  That itself is a sign of a weak people.  It doesnt mean you hate the other races, but you think highly of your own people, because you are proud of them.  I guess if you rape your nieces (most muslim nations), eat humans (liberia), or kill off your own people because their noses are different (Rwanda), sure, you probably shouldnt think you are the superior race.  Why do we want these races in our nation again 

 Despite white men creating and forming this nation into what it is today, white priviledge and toxic masculinity seem to be the reason for every problem.   They hate us vehemetly.  The very people we welcome, that reap our rewards and take our birthright, abhor us.  It’s almost like there is an unknown force trying to destroy the white man.   The white man just wants to live his life and be left alone.  But that is not enough for these minorities.  They want to rule over us.  They want reperations for slavery when no one alive today was a slave or slaveowner in this country.  They push minorities and women in everyhing, from entertainment to government to education.  All the while the white man is looked down on and rejected.  Why?  Not because he did anything wrong, but because he is a white man.   

It rips apart my heart is my people being opressed.  We are the offsrping of the Godly pilgrims and the decendents of the righteous forefathers.  This nations belongs to us, it is our birthright  No other people can lay that claim.  Yet somehow,  the white man is hated in his own nation, the nation His forefathers built and he inherited.  Instead of the minorities being grateful that they can share in the blessings, they balme the white man for their struggles and seek to destroy him.  Not only are the laws slanted against the white man in most cases (like not getting a job becsause they needed more diversity),  but we cannot even speak our mind on many issues or they will come after us to ruin us.  We can lose our job,  reputation and even go to jail, (not to metnion the unfair lawsuits), just for speaking out against a race (along with speaking out against women, homoseuxality, or even for being agianst the killing of babys in the womb).    

Herein lies the problem, every minority will always loook out for their people.  Each ethnic group will always fight for their people.  There can never be true equality amongst the different races.  So as long as we are not a homogonouse nation, their will always be stife and division.  Diversity is another word for division.  I never thought this growing up.  I always tried to be kind to everyone.  But all the teaching about racsism and sexism are just a way to control us, to rule over us.  Ever notice that whites are the only race that can be racist?  Because if we are united, they cannot overcome us.  They realize that the only way to beat us it to divide us through propaganda and lies.  Lies that we are a multicultural nation and interacial people.  I don’t hate these minorities, but I do see my people dying a slow genocide, and opressed and hated, and it eats at me everyday.  I just want to see a nation that is 100% white so we can live in peace and true unity without hearing about how evil we are.  I will never be united with these these barbaric blacks, these jewish pigs, and these muslism swine (and all the other minorities who do not belong here).     They have opressed my people for too long. 

God is my judge, and I ask for justice.  Thy will be done.  And what is thy will?  “Cast out the bondwoman and her son, for the son of the bondwomen will not be heir with the child of the free.”    God did not create this nation so the whole world could come and reap our blessings.  He created nations and boundaries for a reason.  I was always confused why the ancietn israelites had to be such an isolated people with not just anyone able to become an israelite.  But I think the blacks and minorities have shown me the answer.   They have their own culture, ways, beliefs and even religion (ever seen their black Jesus?).  And Instead of being grateful they lived in america, where the poorest people live like kings compared to most of the world, blacks blamed whites for all their problems.  While whites were trying to coexist with these minorityes, they hated us, despite reaping our rewards.  They never wanted unity, they wanted to rule over us.  Why else does each minority fight for more “rights” for their people that opress the whites by leaving them out.   And how can a house divided stand?  We will always be divided, so long as minorities and whites live in the same nation.  Each people will fight for their own.  

Yet Instead of looking out for one another, whites are taught that favouring your own people is inherently evil.  Imagine a peope group that is against it’s own people.  How can they survive?  Especially if they are taught to give preference to other people groups.   Why is it wrong to prefer your own people?   Or chose to hire them or champion a cause for them.  When blacks fight for black causes, does anyone have a problem with that?  Yet no white man can even say one thing positive about his race.  They would be called a racist white spremist and then canceled.   This is all just a scheme to destroy white culture and nations.  

I know this goes against everything taught  in every facet of life, but most of what is taught is a lie and I must speak the truth that God has shown me, even if it costs me everything.  My people, the white man, have been opressed and hated in a land that o fahters built.  We are mocked and put down while every other race of stragners is lifted up and excused for their crimes.  My people, the seed of the piglims, who were the first race to end salvery in the world,  are treated unequally in the eyes of the law, to the point that we may soon pay reperations for crimes we never commiteed.  There will never be, and indeed never can be true equality when a naion is not homogonous in its race, religion, and virtues.  Otherwise one people or group will always strive with the other, as their way and beliefs will always vary.  My people, decendents of the ritghteous forefathers, have become the blame for all the problems in a nation they inherited.   They call it white priveledge, and rascism.   Rasism is a lie to control the white man.  All other races can fight for their races cause and speak out agianst whites.  But whites cannot fight for their people or call out the faults of any other race.  That would be rascist. 

I got news for you people, God Himself is racsist.  Why did God favor the israelist and not allow the people of the land to join in on God’s promises?  Why did Jesus say, “i am not sent except to the house of israel?”  And why did God seperate the nations at the tower of babel when all the world was united?  Mankind is evil to the core, and being united with the filth of the world doesn’t make you better, it only pollutes your kind.  There is a reason so amny third world countries are crudholes and that is because of the people living in them are cruddy.  The rich people of the world pour billions into the continent of Africa thinking they are doing a good deed.  But then why does africa never get better?  Why do they stay the poor, hellhole they are?  It is because the people are the problem.   If you truly want a nation to thrive, they must embrace the truths of Christianity.  That is what makes america great, not diversity of race (which is just division).

And anyone that speaks out against this lies is branded worse than a mass murderer.  Yet not other race can be rascist.  believe in order for this nation to survive, we must be 100% white.  I do not want to kill anyone, but every minorty must go back to his or her own nation.  Blacks to africa, jews to israel, muslims to their nations, asians to asia, ect.  Even the halfbreed bastard children must go.   I know this goes against everything taught  in every facet of life, but these are all lies that are taught to destroy us.  We cannot survive as a nation if we are divided.  And diversity is just division.  They have a different culutre, beliefs, and way of life.  Have can you make one law for people that believe differently.  If muslims think it;s okay to rape their niece, how are they compatable with out laws?  If blacks think its okay to steal, and murder, where do they fit into our society?  

I know this is difficult to comprehend.  It goes against everything you have been taught.  But the world is not one people.  There is no brothehood of man.  This idealogoly only currupts the righteous nations.  It does not help the wicked.   Why should a free people, whose ancestors build this nation for their posterity, share their inheritance with the filth of the world by letting them become citizens?  Will that not currupt the nation?  Iron sharpens iron, and filthy rags only pollute clean rags.  I desire peace as much as the next man.  But bringing all the people of the world to live together is not the answer.  There will always be strife and hatred and jugding based on anothers race.  This cannot be stopped.  You cannot control how a person thinks about a group or feels about people who look similar.  This is asinine.   Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason, and many people of the same kind share beliefs, behaviors, and traits.   If none did they wouldn’t be the same race and wouldn’t have survived to the present.  In order to protect culuture, way of life, and survive genocide, white need nations to themselves.  It is the logical, rational solution, and the only way to preserve our rights and freedoms.

Although we have fallen, whites have so much to be proud of.  We are one of the few, if not the only gorup of people where each of our countires have completely outlawed slavery (some muslims still own slaves, some chinese do, some africans do, etc).  So why are we the rasist ones?  Yes, there are some scumbag whites (or is it the jews?)  that put us in neverending wars.  But us commonfolk hate this.  We are a peace loving people.  And yes, we have fallen far into greed, and selfishness, and all sorts of debotcheries.  But I truly believe most whites want what is right, they just need a leader.  Despite our faults, we still have done so many great things for this world.  We hav developed technologies that have transformed the world, from automobiles and all sorts of modes of transportantion, to telephones and all sorts of electronics, to agricultural technologies.  We have enriched the world with our culure from classical music, to renniousance artists, to archetectual marvels like the skyscraper.  Why do they hate us?  It seems that mainly the minorities in these white nations, along with brainwashed liberals, hate us.  

Are whites perfect, no, not at all.  But we are the torch bearers of the one true religion: Chrsitainity.  We have such a rigtheous, Godly heritage and such great heroes that shined with emmense light.  From wycliffe, to tyndale, to latimer, to bunyan, to whitfield, some of the greatest men that ever walked the earth were white.  They sacrificed everything to stand firm on the truth.   Some of these were burned at the stake because they would not recant.   The world was not worthy of them.  Yet they are our spiritual forefathers.  Other great men, like samuel adams, patrick henry, and george washington, have such a great testomny that no one can take away from us, their countrymen.   They belong to us.  They are a storng source of pride for all americans, and people should not just learn from, but emualte them.  They are a greater heritage than all the money in the world.  No one can take that from us, so long as white nations like america still exists as white nations.   And I could go on and write a book about how america itslef cahnged the world by being a Christain republic.  Where do you think freedom comes from?  Does it not come from the author of all liberty, Christ?  And where do our rights come from?  Hopefully not man, or they can change on whim.  Rather, our rights come from Almighty Christ.  It’s somehting our founders reffered to as “natural law,” or rights that God has given to mankind which government has no authority to deprive.  

Holy Holy Holy

Reginald Heber

Holy, holy, holy!
Lord God Almighty
Early in the morning
Our song shall rise to Thee

Holy, holy, holy!
Merciful and mighty
God in three persons
Blessed Trinity!

Holy, holy, holy!
Though the darkness hide thee
Though the eye of sinful man
Thy glory may not see
Only Thou art holy
There is none beside Thee
Perfect in power, in love and purity

Holy, holy, holy!
Lord God Almighty
Oh thy works shall praise Thy name
In earth and sky and sea

Holy, holy, holy!
Merciful and mighty
God in three persons
Blessed Trinity
Oh God in three persons
Blessed Trinity!


Matthew 15:7-9

You hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy of you, when he said: “‘This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’” 

diabolo, qui est simia dei.

Literal translation From the  devil, who is the monkey of god

 aphorism ” Where god has a church the devil will have his chapel.”

God Bless America

Irving Berlin

God bless America, land that I love

Stand beside her and guide her

Through the night with a light from above.

From the mountains, to the prairies,

To the oceans white with foam,

God bless America, my home sweet home,

God bless America, my home sweet home.

Bless all the nations, Lord, not us alone.

Bless all leaders, with wisdom

With the light shining bright from your throne.

Bless the homeless, and the hopeless,

All the children, lost and lone.

Bless all the nations, Lord, not us alone,

Bless all the nations, Lord, not us alone.

Help us to love the world, just as you do.

Fill our hearts Lord, with Christ’s love

That we all may give glory to you.

Bless the hungry, and the weary,

Show us all what we can do.

Help us to love the world, just as you do.

Help us to love the world, just as you do.

Where people fight and die, may conflict cease.

Touch the people, in all lands

With a heartfelt commitment to peace.

Heal all hatreds, call all vengeance, 

From such passions bring release.

Bless all the nations, Lord, so wars may cease.

Give to all people, Lord, your wondrous peace.

coda part 6

school prayre and bible in 

Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. 

non facias malum ut inde fiat bonum 

you should not make evil in order that good may be made from it 

School was enlightenign, that’s for sure.  To sum up school: white straight males= only race that had slavery that mattered+didn’t let women vote+ stole land from innocent natives.  Slavery=rascim.  Racims= only evil (besides mysogony).  Racism=only cause for genicid.  Jews=only race ever  kinda genocided. Jews= most opressed race ever (excpet maybe blacks?).   Antisemitism= only thing worse than rascim.  German= nazis.   Fascism= nationalism.  Communism= good.  Fascimm=bad.  Capitalism= bad.  Racism+ nationalism+didn;t let women vote= hitler? (pretty sure).  Hitler= ultimate (only) evil, therefore whites straight males= hitler=ultimate (only) evil.  Almost forgot, lbgtqf+=good.  (added f for faggots, just trying to do my part in raising awareness.) Anyone that opposes lqbtqf+=worse than satan.  Abortion=womans right.  Abortion =/ (does not equal) murder.  Womens rights> mens rights.  Minorities rights> whites rights.  White stright men= cause of all problems in world, nation, society.    Christianity<all other religions.   Islam=awesome.  Christinity=not awesome.   America=/ (is not) christian.  Founding fahters=diests, not christian.     Amreica<any other country that’s not white.   Science=never lies.  Global warming= true, because science.  Enough scienistis agree= absolutley right.  Enough experts agree= must be right.  Question things, just not what your taught.  Gender norms=bad.  Women>men.  Minorities>whites.  Think differently, just not logically.  Just because some things have been a certain way since recorded histroy, dont mean they are right.  God= evil for sending people to hell, giving kids cancer, making whites, making men.  Satanist=relgion, and not a bad one.  We did touch on religion, mind you.  Money= reason for schooling.  Money= reason for life.  Money= answer to all problems.   I remember they were very open and accpeting of conservatives, so long as we understood we were wrong, didn’t speak our beliefs, and didn’t disagree with what we were being taught.  Bam.  Kidna confusing, but trust me, they drilled it into me pretty good.  Some of it may be a little off, but that’s what I rememeber being hammered into me.  I may be overgeneralizing some things, but that’s pretty accurate.  I didn’t miss much school, and it payed off.  Kids, if you dont remember the answer, one of these is always right, even in math.  Trust me, how do you think I made it through school?  Thinking independenly or challanging what they taught?  I would have been suspeded and expelled.  And if the teacher marks it wrong, they are a homophob, racist, sexist, mysogonist, xenophob, bigot, and should be fired.  I know how school works.  Why have freedom of thought when you can teach the truth? Even if there is not such thing as truth, these are truths.

God’s laws (the bible) are what is best for mankind, and the more man obeys them, the healtieer and better of he will be.  One example is to forgive.  God commands all men to forgive, but this ins’t for God’s  sake, its for ours.  When we let unforgivness in our hreat, we build up hate, and that destroys us more thatn the person we hate.  God created us, so he knows what is best for us.  The sabbath day of rest was not for God to have control over us, but rather because men need rest.  It was for our benefit.  I could go on and on, but the point is God’s commeandments are for mankinds wellebing, as he knows what is best for us.  

What is the point of morality or teaching morality if there is no God?  If I am not punished for my wicked deeds or rewarded for doing what is right, why should I have any morality?  Why can’t I do whatever makes me happy?   Without a higher power, If I can steal what I want and get away with it, why is that wrong?  Who’s law am I transgressing?  Man’s?  Because I too am a man, and what makes one man’s morality (without a God) higher than mine?  It’s just his word against mine.  Plus, if there is no God,  there is no afterlife, and we all die anyway.  So if there is no God and no ramifications for my actions, why shouldn’t I do whatever makes me happy, at whatever the cost?  But if there is a God and we are made in His image, and we are punished or rewarded depending on what we do, then there is a reason and consequence for every action.  

The schools try to teach morality without (true) religion, which is impossible.  I would say that one of the core reasons for all the troubles in this nation, from killings, to suicides, and almost all crime, stems from not having Christianity being taught in our schools.  The truth sets kids free, gives them menaing and guides them, and gives them hope and comfort.  It sets them free from confusion, and even sin if they turn to the Christ.  It gives them a reason to live and go on, knowing there is someone bigger who has all the answers, and if they seek after Him they can get not what they think they want, but what they really need.  And it gives tehm hope and comfort knowing that the Almighty Creator God had so much love for them that He was willing to come down to Earth to become His creation just to suffer and die for them.  Not only that, but there is huge comfort and power knowing this Savior can not just forgive all the wrongs of these children, but also heal any illness or infermatiy, internally or externally they or their loved ones may suffer from.   

On the otherhand, if there is no God, why should these kids listen to the teacher, or behave?  What consequenses do their actions really have?  If they live an evil life or crime and are happy, what is wrong with that?  After all, there is no punishment after death.  Or worse, why should the students in pain keep living?  What is the point, if there is no afterlife?   Why shouldnt they kill themselves and end their misery, if there is no God?    Why be discipened, or civil, or obedient to the laws if we are just animals?   Why not just do whatever makes us happy, regardless of what another  animal thinks or decides?  If I can get away with wronging another for my gratification, why not?  We are all just evolved monkeys that will die anyway.   Chistian prayer and the Holy Bible must be put back into schools, if we want to stay free and righteous.  The belief in the words of God are essential for this nation to survive and thrive. 

My Country Tis of Thee

Samuel F Smith 

  1.   1. My country, ’tis of thee,
  2. Sweet land of liberty,
  3. Of thee I sing;
  4. Land where my fathers died,
  5. Land of the pilgrims’ pride,
  6. From ev’ry mountainside
  7. Let freedom ring!
  1. 2. My native country, thee,
  2. Land of the noble free,
  3. Thy name I love;
  4. I love thy rocks and rills,
  5. Thy woods and templed hills.
  6. My heart with rapture thrills
  7. Like that above.
  1. 3. Let music swell the breeze
  2. And ring from all the trees
  3. Sweet freedom’s song;
  4. Let mortal tongues awake;
  5. Let all that breathe partake;
  6. Let rocks their silence break,
  7. The sound prolong.
  1. 4. Our fathers’ God, to thee,
  2. Author of liberty,
  3. To thee we sing;
  4. Long may our land be bright
  5. With freedom’s holy light.
  6. Protect us by thy might,
  7. Great God, our King!

Part 7: globalsm/communism

 quis custodiet ipsos custodes (who watches the watchers?): who shall protect us against those who (supposedly) protect us? 

1 peter 2:9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light; 

Psalm 1:1-6 ESV / 39 helpful votes 

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; …

Battle Hymn of the Republic

Julia Ward Howe

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord
He is trapling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored
He have loosed the faiteful lightening of his terrible swift sword
His truth is marching on

Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
His truth is marching on

I have seen him in the watch-fires of a hundred circling camps
They have builded him an altar in the evening dews and damps
I have read his righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps
His truth is marching on

Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
His truth is marching on

I have read a fiery gospel writ in burnish’d rows of steel
As ye deal with my condemners so with you my grace shall deal
Let the hero, born of woman, crush the serpent with his heel
His truth is marching on

Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
His truth is marching on

He has sounded form the trumpet that shall never call retreat
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment-seat
Oh, be swift, my soul to answer, oh be jubilant, my feet
His truth is marching on

Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja

In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea
With a glory in his bosom that transfigures you and me
As he died to make men holy let us die to make men free
His truth is marching on

Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
Glory, Glory halleluhja
His truth is marching on

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord
He is trapling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored
He have loosed the faiteful lightening of his terrible swift sword
His truth is marching on

Quotes of the Madman

Matthew 11:25  At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. 

nullum magnum ingenium sne mixtre dementia fuit

there has been no great wisdom without an element of madness

Axioms aint always axiomatic.

The greater the man, the greater the pain and sorrow they can endure.

Pity those who’ve never suffered.

When people talk about how great they are- they aren’t.

When you overpraise, it comes off as insicere.  

If you cant get a girl off your mind- think about when you can (the ramifications).

You only get a few close friends in life- chose them wisely.  

If you can look past their faults and tolerate their insults, humans are the most fascinating creature God created.  

Dont stress yourself out or overthink with things that havent happened.  Experiences are often worse in expectation than reality.   And oftentimes, most people with either forget or move on.  

Solitude aint so bad.  Most people are jerks anyway.  

The only person that really 100% knows and has your best intrest at heart is your Creator.  Let Him lead you.  Caution: use wisdom.  

Dont be surprised when people stab you in the back.   People are people, 100% currupt to the bone.   That why there’s Christ.  

Most friends arent, so be a good one. 

Happy is the man who can befriend sinners without partaking in their sin.   Just be ready to forsake them or be forskaen at any time.  Always put God first.

Some people wont like you no matter what.  No matter how good you are to them, some people just dont want to be your friend.  Dont take it personal.

People can only do so much for you, you have to do the rest

Dont expect people to give more for you than you give for them.

Dont expect more outta people than you do.

Wisdom is knowing details to use and not to use in every converstaion. 

Sometimes disgareeing is enough to make one reconsider their opinion.  

Freedom isnt the ability to do what is wrong/evil

Every action, good or bad, has ramifications, big or small.

If you never quit, eventually you’ll succed at something.

You can be compitenet at anything if you practice it long enough.  Question is, are you willing to perservere long enough and are you willing to make all the sacrfices necessary.   Count the cost, for many things, for many people, it aint worth it.  But if you must or strongly desire it, never give up and one day, you may not be great, but youll be passable at it.  Who knows, you may even become great at that.

You can’t handle success or power until you are content with who you are, what you are, and what you have.

Strive to be great, not in the eyes of man, but in the eyes of God.

things rarely turn out as expected, so dont plan your life out

Those who put their trust in man will only be let down.  Even trusting in oneself only leads to dissapointment.   But those who put their trust in Christ, even if the whole world turns on them, have a faithful and steadfast ally that will never fail them, even through death.  

You ever heard “you only feel bad cause you got caught”  as if its bad to feel remorse for wrongdoing?  Id say it shows they still have a conscious, and there is hope for them.  

Science is only as honest as the scientists.  And all scientists are still apart of mankind.  Filthy, currupt, money loving men.  Why do we treat think they wont lie, fudge the results, or push for something that will benefit them?  They are not good people, especially those who deny the obvious fact of a Creator.   Dont be surprised when many “studies” are found out to be manipulated, fixed, or an outright lie.  

Science is the new catholic church.  Instead of burning people at the stakes who dissent with their “truths”, they kill their career, reputation, and make their life a living hell.  

Numbers and statistics are as easy to manipulate as cheating is on an online test.  

When they tell you why you should go to school, the main reason is “to make money,” or “youll make more money.  No wonder kids dont give a care.

Most college degrees just prove you believe and will buy into whatever lies and proganda you were taught.  Maybe that’s why so many woman and minorities seem to graduate, they’re some of the most guillible. 

Race, sex, and multiculturalism are at the core of our education system.   How many times do I have to hear that rascism is wrong?  I get it.  But did I ever owned any slaves?  And is it wrong to prefer your own race and people?  And yes, women are great.  Just not as great as they claim.  Pride commeth before the fall.  And no, homosexuality is not good for anyone.  Theres a reason so many of em have depression.  And why are we trying to be like the rest of the third world countries?  Do we want america to be a thirdworld country too?

Humnas will almost always to more loyal to their race of people than their nation, communities, or even religion.  

Humans want to be around their kind.  They want to be near people that look like them, talk like them, and believe like them.   If they didn’t there could be no peace, as there would be too much extreme differecnces which only breeds hostility.    

How their their be true peace, when the most important beliefs among two groups are at odds?  Either one will win out and the other will suffer, or visa versa.

When someone says “the majority of experts” or “trust the experts” just remember:  Al Gore is considered an expert on climate change, Ocasio Cortez is a congresswoman (that goes for nearly all women politicians) (guess that goes for nearly all male polticians too, look at adam schiff or eric swalwell)  and “professional”  women sports exist (just remember an under-15 year old boys team beat the best womens soccer team in the world).   And lets not forget every sports analyst that calls themselves an “expert.” I dont need to meniton names, I think we’ve all heard some moron yelling at the camera and telling us how smart they are only to be dead wrong time after time.  How can you still have any self respect after all that?  That’s either major fortitude and resillance, or obliviousness…

In times of confusion or doubt, saying something clearly with confidecne can make the dumbest person look smart, at least for a moment.  

Dont care what people think of you.  They probably dont care about you anyway.  Most people are not your friend, and you dont wanna be most peoples friend.  

It ussually takes time to adjust to new people.  Some people you can tell when to avoid.   Others take time to appreciate.  

Enjoy what you can outta people.  Most people dont care about you, your problems, and dont wanna be your friend.  Just be thankful for what they do give you.

Learn to give people space.  Even good friends need space.  

A lot o times it is harder to get along with those you love the most than strangers.   I believe the reason is because you love them so much.

Learn to take the jokes, mockings, and even yellings and let them roll off.  Otherwise youll be weighed down by meaningless words that wind up consuming you.   Maybe they were hurtful, harmful, or uncalled for.  But sometimes you gotta be the bigger man, if for no one elses sake than yours.  You can then live your life in peace, instead of letting others ruin it.  

I dont know what will be worse: the paranoia I have thinking people are talking about me while mocking me, or when people acutally do mock me for my beliefs in this book.

The people I have the best conversations are the ones with people who dont think highly of themselves and are trying to do whats right.  They seem to be the most compassionate, genuine, and honest too.

Be good to people.  Just dont expect them to return the favor.  

If teamwork is letting someone else do the work, is that even a team?

Face it, you cant fully trust your teamates to get things done at any job, school, or anything in life.  You must take personal respsonablity and do your work (and often times theirs too.  Do you teachers, or bosses understand how “groupwork”  works?).  If everyone is trying to do their best at what their supposed to do, you may achieve great success and even learn real “teamwork.”  Just never expect that.    The sum is only as great as its parts and most of the time, there are only one or two good parts in a team.  So try to do something you lazy bums and dont expect others to pull your weight in life.  You have a responabilty for others by pulling your weight.   Otherwise everyone else suffers.  There’s a “me” in team, and that me can make it better or worse for everyone.  

You can say each individual is special, this is true, as we are all made in the image of God, which makes us special.  That doesn’t mean said person is anything great, however.  Some choose to be the sons of satan.  

We all have choices that define us, each and every choice leads us to what we are.

You cant accomplisht big accomplsihments until you understand the basics.  

Everyones got issues.  Some just show it more than others. 

I dont think eveyone suffers, I know they do.  At the very least, they feel the wretched sting of losing a loved one. 

Honor the dead by honoring their Creator.  

If no one is punished for their sins, how is God a just God?

You cannot truly atone for your sins.  A broken stick will always be broken, no matter how much you try to mend it, it will never be whole as its orginal state.  That is why Christ had to die and take the wrath of man on himself.  It was the only way God can stay just yet the only way He could give mercy.  Forgivness is not cheap, especially the sins of an entire creature.  

Lifes a test: If you cant endure the bad times, how will you be faithful in the good?  

If you steal, and allow others to steal legally, why do you expect to own anything?  

When the people in power are morons, people with a brain are treated as fools.  

How is speaking your mind a cirme?  If you hold a belief, but don’t hurt anyone, why is that punishable?  Communism is just mind control.  

Communism is the governemnt owning everthign you have, telling you what you do, can buy, and how you can live.  Socialism is the government owning most of what you have, having more control over what you do, can buy, and how you live.  Capitalism or free market is where the individual owns most of what they make, and mosty decides what they do, buy, and how they live ( I think we can agree we still need some laws and taxes).  Why would anyone want communism or socialism?  

Wasting time aint that bad.   Its okay to sit there and comtimplate things.  You may even learn a thing or two.

Focusing is a skill.  You have to develop it.  Some are skilled focusers no matter what, but a lot has to do with the speaker, delivery, and content.   Lets be honest, most of the stuff they teach in school is not just boring, but a waste of time.   Women’s studies?  Multiculturalism?  Global warming?  Riiiiiiight…  The truth is always more interesting than propaganda.

Nationalism is superior to globalism in everyway.  Why should I be a global citizen with cannibals in africa?   Or with men who raped their nieces in islamic countries?  Or with comuunist dictators that force their people to worship them as Dieties (China)?  I want no part with the scum of the world.  At least in my country (with my people the white man), even the lowlifes, I can share a common belief system, ancestory and hertigage, and love of freedom and guns (one day, one day for all of these…).  I really dont trust the whole world on those things…

Its ussually not others, its you.   You can blame people for all your problems, or you can man up, take a good look in the mirror, and take the bull by the horn.  Youll be surprised at what you’re capable of. 

When someone makes a minor mistake that annoys you, recollect all the mistakes you’ve made. 

Tough times are inevitable, so get used to ’em.   If you can learn to handle the struggels of life with a smiling heart, life will be infinatley more gratifying.  

Sometimes, the pains of life are too much to bear.  Just keep hanging on.  If you do what you should and stay the course, youll eventually find yourself strong enough to face your pains.

There are times even your closest friends just dont get what your going through.  Take it up with the Almighty, trust me.  He has your best interest in mind.  He created you and knows all your thoughts and actions.  He wont mock you or give you bad advice.    Just remember, the harder the struggle, the longer it takes do resolve.  

Why do you expect people to be good to you if you’re not good to them?  Expect to receive what you dish out.  

Relationships are a two way agrement that needs both sides cooperating.  If one side wont put any effort into it, it wont work.  And if one side can’t look past the others flaws or wants total control… I pity that man!

Contrary to popular opinion, I aint against women.  I honestly think woman are fantastic, and am grateful God gave them to man.  When they act like real women (humble, kind and compassionate, with a selfless and helpful serving others attitude) it brings me great joy.  But when women are arrogant, selfish, entitiled, and/or controling, they’ve lost my respect.     And then, on top of all that, when women want to be and try to be men (not tranvestites) and then mock men, it makes me think maybe women shouldnt have as many rights.  I just want women to act like women and be women, is that too hard to ask?  We have enough men out there, and we certainly dont need all our women thinking they’re the same as men.  God made two genders for a reason, and if we both know our roles, we are both astronomically happier.  

 The same people who believe theres more than two genders will be adament that women and men are interchangable and women can do whatever men can.  If there’s more than one gender, shouldn;t there be differences?  And differences almost always means different strengths and weakness.   

Woman cant be anything they want.  No matter how hard they try, even if they change their outward apperance, they will never be men.  While i’m at it, the best women will never be as good as the best man in anything but motherhood.  

Career woman are as useful to mankind as fleas. 

I wouldn’t put ’em down if they didn’t lack humilty.

Women still need to work.  And im not necessarily against women getting jobs or even certain promotions.  But the greatest, most important, and most rewarding job for any woman with a heart is motherhood.   

I repect, honor, and am ineffably thankfuly for the amazing women who sacrificed so much for their families.   You are truly heroes, and those of you who really love God will shine brigther than many men in heaven.   I’m talking about the women who didn’t live life for themselves.  Who didn’t focus on their career, or try to control their husbands, and who actually sacrificed unrenegable time, effort, and love to their children.  While the career women is mocked by most men, I want you to know we honor and repsect the housewifes, even the ones we dont know.   You are quite possibly the most important people in any society, as you raise the next generation and teach them right from wrong.  We dont forget your words of wisdom, or all the little things of love you did for us.  

Expect the worst in people, hope for the best.

You either laugh and learn from your minor mistakes, or you let them consume you.

Truth is often the most difficult thing to hear.  Its often the the we need to hear most. 

Mankind was not created to be glorified, exalted above measure, or excessivley praised.  That for God and God alone.  

I praise God man’s life is short.  More than 100 years of pain, rejection, and loss in this mortal body on this terresital ball, even with Christ is just to much hell to bare.   And think of all the wicked people that would continue to make your life miserable.  Aint no rest for the wicked, and they wouldnt cease to affect you.

Even with all the pain in life, you see God’s mercy and goodness in such profound and overwhelming evidence, if you dont think there is a God, you aren’t looking objectivley.   There is so much to be thankful for, even in our darkest hours.  

|If you need money- get a job.  If you live for money- youll wind up in hell.  

Live within your means.  If you don’t have a job, you do not have the means to live.  

Pay for essentials first (Food, and rent first.) then, if possible, enjoy a month of your iPhone service.   If you can’t afford what you want, make sacrifices and work harder until you can.  No one can get everything they want (some liberals will never get a soul).  Just remember, even those working at Mcdonalds are richer than most of the world Forbes bottom 5 percent of the American income distribution is still richer than 68 percent of the world’s inhabitant .  Be thankful for how good you got it, or even what you have will be taken away.  

Met a dude from Romania at work.  Asked him if they had a revolution lately.  He said russia used to control them, now they can own things.  (that seriously happened, I kid you not.)  Us greedy americans dont know how good we got it.

Right to own property, including guns, is a God given right.  As is rebelling against tyrnats.

Sometimes you should lose your rights by crimes you’ve commited.  If you’re a shoplifter, you may forfiet your right to enter that store.  As always, inocent until proven guilty. 

In communist america, its not innocent until proven guilty for being pro american and pro christian, or as some call us white nationalist.  Its guilty, no question, as we hold opinions different from our overlords.   If you disagree with children getting sex changes, killing babies in the womb, or not allowing children to talk about Jesus in schools, you are a worse threat to our freedoms than the taliban or totalitarian china.    When will we realize we are not free?  

Celebrities scum, please just stay out of the spotlight.  Just act, sing, or play your sport and shut the heck up.  There is a reason you act, sing, and play sports for a living.  Those who cant do real work, entertain.  Not only do you embaress yourselves, but you create more hatred from commoners.  No one wants to hear you tell us commoners how awful we are for having traditional values while you get high on drugs, sleep around like whores and manwhores, and talk about how great each other are while wasting more money than we will ever see in a lifetime.  All the while we common folk struggle to get by and just want to be entertained by you.  Is that too much to ask from you?  And your philanthropy means nothing to us or God.   Who cares if you spend a fraction of your money, which you will never use or need anyway, on random “charities” that give less than 15% to the cause?  If you really want to feel good about yourself or have a good image, try to genuinley be a humble, grateful, decent human being with even a hint of morality (the bible is a great place for that btw).  Your not fooling anyone otherwise.   

Many famous, rich, and successful people have their reward of money, fame, and praise.  Don’t worry, commoners, they’re in for a rude awkening when they die.  As the Christ said in matthew 6:2: “Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.”   Dont envy them. 

Be authentic.  If you aren’t you- who are you?

Dont be ashamed of your quirks.  Oftentimes, its the little things that make you likeable.  And if people dont like ’em, there’s either something wrong with you or them.

I can be a jerk.  I’ll try to have decency, but I have my limits.  Just dont 1)push your liberal agenda 2)be a slimeball hypocrite 3)slander an innocent mans name.  Otherwise, your fair game.   

Truth is truth.  Dont matter who speaks it.  

Although there can be negative consequences for speaking the truth, God will reward it.

There’s no such thing as free thought when you can’t disagree.

As the new covinent is superior than the old, so America is greater than Israel.  Israel rarely kept their part of the covenant.  America, at least histortically, has tried to follow the one true God Christ.  

Europe was the best of the world.  Britain was the best of Europe.  America was the best of Britian.  

Morality is what makes a country great, not wealth.

Following Christ’s teachings and laws makes a nation prosper and thrive.

What good does a trillion dollars profit a man?  How can he spend it in one lifetime?  Why not pay your employees a decent wage…

Never think you have all the answers.  That’s when you make the biggest blunders.

If you trust in money to take care of you, youll find it couldn’t care less about you.   I’d rather trust in the Almighty.  

Living for money or a career is one of the most depressing dreams one can have.  One day, youll wake up and say, was that it?

If your goal in life is to be filthy rich with money, youd fit in great in hell.  There’s limitless monitarily rich people there.

God can only entrust His people with money when they’ve learned not to trust in it or live for it.

People you love are worth putting up with, but everyone should have limits.  

The more you can tolerate others, the more you can tolerate yourself.

If you wanna find the perfect girl for you, ask yourself, are you the perfect guy for her?   If she’s great, doesn’t she deserve better?  Then get better, man was not created in a fixed state. (same goes for you girls- rememeber that the man who marries you, no matter how great, will have to put up with you!)

Everyone changes over time.  You can change for better or worse.  Your choice.

How hard it is to really change yourself!  It is hard enough to change your actions and words.   Harder still is changing your thoughts, emotions, and feelings.  You can fake it internally, but deep down you still may dislike something or someone.  How does one really change ones heart?  Can you genuinley change your hate to love just by willing it?   Or do you just bury it or ignore it?  Does man truly have the power within himself to truly forgive from the depth of his heart over the most heinious crimes?  I am thankful there is God.  Otherwise, I think this would be impossible.

Dont be surprised when people turn on you for speaking truth.  Most people cant handle it.  They hate the consequences and prefer to live a lie.

When possible, be not just honest, but gentle.  You’re not perfect either. 

My parents dream was a Christain America.  My dream is a 100% white Christain America.  Deus Vult.  

Just because people hate and wrong you doesn’t mean you should stoop to their level.  If you want to follow God, you must take it, and, in a sincere and honest heart, be good back to them.  (“Matthew 5:48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”)

Some people need to be put in their place.  Otherwise they will never stop.

If everyone got what they deserved, there wouldn’t be anyone alive.  

Learn to forgive.  Not for their sakes, but for yours.

Laws that aren’t applied to all men is the definition of tryanny.  

If you pick and choose when to apply laws, it is even a law?

Knowledge may be power, but false knowledge is crippling.  

It’s better to question things you know than spread misinformation.  

Money isn’t as valuable as time.  You certainly can’t buy time.

Sometimes, doing the same thing produces varying results.  Why else do we practice the same drills?  Am I still defined as insane?   JK, Einstien, JK.  

If there is no higher power, there is no higher purpose.

If we came from animals, we are animals.  If we came from a higher form of life, we are a higher form of life.

If there is no such thing as a truth, then that statement isn’t true.  

Truth is not perception.  Depsite what anyone may belief, it doesn’t change the fact there is a God who see all and knows all (so yes the tree in the forest with no one around makes a sound you morons).  Good luck hiding from Him.  

If there is no truth, their can be no lies.  You are a rapist.  Is that a lie or truth?  Yet there is no such thing as a “truth.”  And if you wanna be a wise guy and say, ive raped people verbally or some stupid logic like that, let me ask you, would you like people to call you a rapist in public and have that reputation as a rapist?  If we each cant agree on fundamental truths that children can understand, we cant communicate or function.  Just because you change the meaning of a word, doesn’t mean you’re right or smart.  It just makes you look retarded.   Truth is not perception or opinion.  It is fact.

If there is no wrong, there can be no right.

It is impossible to have any existance where there is no wrong, just as their can be no existance without right.   And how does man determine that?  Chiefly, the Word of God.  Yet also though experience, histroy, logic, reasoning, and wisdom.

If enough idiots think something is true, they are still idiots and it doens’t mean its true.

If nothing is evil, nothing is good.  

If people are good, why do we need police? Or laws?  

Just cause someone sounds smart doesn’t mean they are.  Most intellectuals are morons.  They are so obsessed the elephants tail, they forget that it’s a part of the elephant.  

If you focus too much on the details, you may forget the reason.

If you wanna sound smart, its not about knowing the answer, but asking the right question about the answer.  

Anyone can regurgitate facts.  But if you truly want to excel, you’ll be able to apply ’em.

A good foundation is necessary for any discovery, invention, or breakthrough.

Those with a good understand of right and wrong think clearer and wiser.

Using too many words often says less.

Too much said is too much to take in.

Precisly what is religous vs what is truth is a battle I fear I may never fully comprehend.  

The number one job of the man of God is to procliam the truth.  God must be the one to redeem, heal, and save.  

There is nothing quite as powerful as truth, it can change the vilest of men, reconcile enemies, and give man purpose and hope.  

Mankind can take any truth and turn it into hereasy.

Be weary of those with visions.  Even if they do, it can be interpreted falsly, given by satan, or lead to herasy.  

Dont trust a vision over truth.

Dont seek to hard for depth.  Its the simple actions of obedience that carry the greatest meaning.

When life is complex, just stick to the basics truths you know.  

AD (Anno Domini- in the year of our Lord)  and  BC (Before Christ) should be used only and not BCE and CE.  Even from a secular point of view, the coming of Christ transformed the world and is the dividing line of past and present histroy.  

Imagine the anoying arrogant snob youd be if you were never teased or bullied.

When you can’t handle teasing, remember youve never teased anyone before.  

Bullies only have as much power as you give them.

Having said all that, when you tease someone, do it in the right spirit; good taste is always acceptable.

We all have excitement and joy that gets crushed and beaten until we hide it out of fear of rejection and embaressment.  Be strong, and if people can’t tolerate your interests, don’t let it get to you.  

Words can have a deeper impact than intended.  Mind what you say.

Be decent to others- you never know if who’ll rat on ya; you’ve got enough enemies already. 

Most people dont know how to act or what to say in most situations.  

Girls- if you dress trashy, expect trashy guys. 

Girls- If you dress revealing, what are you saying to the men?  

Guys- if you go after trashy looking girls, expect what you see.

Guys- Fornication dont make you a man.  It makes you a manwhore.

Why do woman always have to be right?  Who cares?  What is wrong with you?

Just because men are emotionally stronger, doesn’t mean we are soulness monsters.  

Women can do anything men can do.  Just not as well.

Women, you’re not the center of the universe.  Remember you are a help mate to men, not the other way around.   

While you can’t judge a book by its cover, you can tell who to avoid by their appearance (pink hair/face piercing/ tatooes/dresses trashy, ect.) 

If you can’t handle being by youself, how are you gonna handle being with someone else?  Think about what they’ll have to deal with…

Sometimes you need a friend to just be there.  Not to even talk or do something with, but just someone you know supports you.

Even if people do hate you, they dont hate all of you.

Just casue someone dislikes you, it doesn’t mean they dislke everything about you.   Just dont expect friendship.

Besides the Christ, women and children are the greatest gift given to man.  Cherish them.

I pity those without the one of the greatest and rewarding treasures: children.  You may need to put in a lot to get that reward, but I doubt there is any thing more rewarding and lasting.  

Ive seen kids and the joy and love of life they have.  And ive seen their fellow creatures, young and old, along with society rip it out and crush them into the cruel uninspiring adults we become.

Men, be good to your women.  Treat them kindly, and look past their faults and annoyances with you.  Rememeber the good things they do for you, and all the joy they’ve brought you over the years.   

For better or worse, nothing is quite like the love a woman can have for you.  

There is a fine line between irregular, eccentric, and wierdo.  Id like to think im straddling the line between eccentric and weirdo and still eccentric, but im a realist.  Im a wierdo.  Tough pill to swallow, but ive come to grips.  

For those who dont think God has a sense of humor, just remember, he created man.

Comedy is about making fun of people and things of life.  When people are offended by everything, you cant have comedy.  

Dont mock God or the things of God for your sakes.  

America’s court rooms are often the last place you’ll find justice.

I want no peace or unity with the wicked.  If unrighteousness is allowed in a country by law, all the people are guilty of that sin, in a way.

If a judge is the law, even when law is unclear, how is justice blind? 

If morality comes from man, why is your morality better than mine?  I thought all men were created equal…

If there is no natural law, then law originates from man.   If law orginates from man, rememeber that man changes like the wind.   

Racism, mysogony, homophobia, xenophobia, and bigotry are the worst sins anyone can commit.  Murder, rape, and the like are basically virtuous things compared to these atrocities.  Unless, of course, it is done to a minority, woman, gay, or immigrant, in which case it is descimination exemplified.   However, if its done to a white male supremists, then, yes, it is justice.

If you didn’t know, when compared to white males, all other humans should be treated with special privaledges and better laws.  No white man can understand the eggregriousness of the oppression that their ancestors have committed.   And they could never understand how tough it is to be anyone else but them in todays world.  

Until we learn to woship women, minorities, and all form of faggotry for the dieties they are, us white men will always be opressive.   Yet no amount of penance will forgive the atrocities of the past.   Please, forgive us, us white men need to be more pathetic and let our women lead us whilst elevating foriegners above our people.  We were wrong to think we deserve rights, and arrogant to think we should have our own nation.  

Whites have caused so much evil in the world.  Did you know, they were the only people that ever had slaves?  Or conquered anothers land?  The only solution will be genicide of whites.  We must sacrifice our home, countries, culture, and heritage to the rest of the world, as they have never committed any attrocitites as low as us scum.  

How is nationalism a bad thing? Let me just say the most evil man can have good ideals or believre good truths, and every rigtheous man (except Jesus) has weakness and are not perfect.  Always apply wisdom.  

Did you know the only evil to ever exist was nazis?  And you know what nazis are?  White supremists.  And do you know what white supremists are?  White people that love their country and dont want to share it with the whole world.  I for one, condemn such heinious behavior.  The aduacity of whites!!! To think they can have a nation to themselves…  

If whites never existed, the world would be a paradise. 

Men just bring women down, everyone knows this.  Look at womens sports, and imagine how great everything else could be if women were not just in charge, but dominated that industry.  And how fierce would an army of all women be?  Color me terrified.  

People ask if waterboarding is ethical.  I ask, is women sports ethical?   Maybe we should use it as torchure, I bet it’ll work better.  Esspecailly if they have to listen to these “athletes” talk down towards men…

If anyone can watch women sports, then mens, at any level, and say the women are as good or better, you are lying, brainwashed, and a loyal member to the religious cult of liberalism.

Just so we’re clear, I dont think women shouldn’t be allowed to play sports.  I just think they are not as good as men, and their arrogance of elevating themselves on our level is, frankly, insulting.   If you exalt yourself, prepare to be humbled.   And for the record, I hate title IX, it only hurts boys that wanna play sports.  Girls dont need sports nearly as much as boys.  

Even though I hate divore, I must say its a miracle mirrages work out.  Living with the same person all your life, with all their quirks, flaws, and annoyances should drive anyone crazy.  Especailly those with no kids.  Never understand how some people get married without kids by choice.  At least you can be united in strife against them and bond over a common challenge.  And youll have other people to do things with, to make life more interesting (and hopefully fun).

I dunno if I could love a wife enough to not have kids.   Would she even love me?  That is one of my greatest desires, a huge family that belongs to me, after all.  

Entertainment can be good or bad (im talking about the good stuff, not anything hollywood, netflix, disney,  mlb, nfl, or nba, EA, activisim- blizzard, or almost any american video game maker or televesion  puts out today.   Yeah, we the people are sick and tired of your woke bullcrap.  We are tired of all your tax breaks including  your donating to “charities.” We are feed up that you large corperations are joining in on blaming everything on us whites with morality.  We hate that you hire non americans that hate our people, culture, and nation in an arrogant, pompus way while we suffer the repercussions.   Hope you all burn down to the ground.).  You can certainly make go overboard and lose yourself in the good stuff.  But sometimes, its good to be able to take a break from the heaviness of life and enjoy stuff like video games.  No, they are not the reason young people have so many issues.

Ill never understand business ethics.  You can be a billion dollar company, and paying your employess peanutes is considered “ethical.”  Meanwhile, prioritzing hiring people from your own nation is controverial.  I may not be a smart man, but something aint adding up…

I feel like the people in power have never had to live off the honest money they make.  Why else are so so keen on raising taxes?

If a quadrapoligant, who has no arms or legs, can make a living and support not just himself, but others, whats your excuse for not working?

So wait, your telling me 30-40% of my paycheck goes to other people so they dont have to work?  Why do I work again?  

Those who support universal basic income shouldnt have an income because they’ll never work.

If you’ve never worked a day in your life, you’re eihter a politician or a theif.

Politicans are just theifs that are above the law.  How does any of my taxes go towards anything that helps me?  I certainly dont want the money ive earned to go to killing babies, promoting sexual impurities, or anit christ policies.  I demand my money back outta sheer principle!!!

I trust the will of my people, the white american, over the will of all the women and other peoples in the world.  That’s why I just want a nation of only white people, where only white men can vote.  Is that too much to ask?  Why dont we try it and see if its worse than what we got today…

When the courts are a weapon of the elites, to crush the commoners, how do the commoners get justice?

When all three branches share the same globalist, commusnist vision, not only is their no check and balance, but the people have no power.  

Globalism is the opposite of by the people, of the people, and for the people.   

The only ones who truly benefit from mass immigration are those who get a piece of the extra money from the cheap labor.  The rest of us have to suffer with lower wages, less quality jobs,  losing our jobs to cheaper workers, and foriengers mocking you in the most pompus way while blaming you for all their problems.  Thanks again, governemnet leaders. 

 Im so grateful for diversity.  While it might not be the white mans greatest strength, it is for rich tycoons, every other religion, and all the cruddy peoples of the world.  

Why does it seem like none of these immigrants like america as a people or nation?  To me, it seems like they like the wealth, opportunity and rights we have.  They seem to hate everything else, including its people, God, and culture.  

Why does it seem like everyone wants to live in a white country?   And why does it seem like white countries are the only ones that take in the poor of the world?   Pretty soon, no country will be white.  Where will all these poor immigrants go?

Communism is quite possibly the most evil religion ever created.  You worship the God the State, and God the State alone.

No one can represent the people and their wallets.  

If you want to be praised or liked, be an entertainer.  If you wanna go into politics and actually fight for someothing, be prepared for slander, lie after lie, and a neverending war with the machine.

If your a politician, you’ll either be hated by the commoners or everyone else.  Most politicians either got no spine or are currupt to the bone, so obviously they dont wanna be loved by commoners anyway.  

What is the point of laws if we dont enfore them?  That’s called tryanny.

Hate is not a strong enough word for what the people think of both republicans and democrats. 

If they take a penny in taxes today, expect that tax to go up 1000% as soon as they can.  They’ll just do it quitely, hoping no one notices.

No tax that the people disagree with should be allowed (obviously this is for a homogoneous population- otherwise that’s impossible).

Funny how all the illegals and most legal immigrants are for more government, taxes, and wellfare.  Gee, who would benefit from that?

Don’t enter the holy house of our overlords, you’ll be lucky if you leave with your life.  If you do, you may never leave prison.

Pray hard for the political prisoners today.  The law is no longer about justice.  It’s just a weapon to carry out an agenda. And be careful what you do around or in the eyes of your overlords.  

I think our whole government misconstrued Jesus words when He said “Is it not written in your law, ‘I said, “You are gods” ’? “ in John 10:34 (could say that for media, big bussinesses, feminists and most elites)

Half of the time liberals dont make sense.  The other half, they’re just lying.  

I dont blame people for not wanting to vote.  You have a party of satan that oposses any pro american, pro Christ policy, and then you have a lesser party of satan that claims to be pro american and pro Christ but always folds on every issue eventually.   Welcome to america, land of the anit american anti-christ lawmakers.   

The american people hate war with a vehemnent passion.  But when our cause is just, when we are fighting a defensive war for our freedoms, freedoms against tryants or for our God, we will fight with such feriosity, such passion, such unquenchable fire our enemies will believe our God is God and tremble with fear at His name.  Although He loves peace, when you attack His people, justly, or unjustly, our God is a God of war.

Dont mess with America.  Our God, the God our fahters made a covenant with, is a God of war, and He will never forsake His people, or renege His promises.

Id rather have a 4 year president, even if he’s bad, then a ruler of any kind for life.  At least with a bad president, you have a chance of a good one next.  Even if its a good ruler for life, the inverse could be true for the next ruler.

Do not put your trust in man, no matter how great he is.  If a great leader dies, God can raise up a greater one.  You, child of the Christian republic, trust in your Creator and the Creator of this great nation.  

It is morally wrong to favor strangers over close kin.

It is morally wrong to give foriegners preference over your own people.  

When the movement starts, watch out for and avoid grifters.  

One of biggest pieces of evidence for God is the fact the Jews are still around.   They are some of the most wicked, disobidient people in history.  Most of their history was in rebeliion to God, who chose them as His special people.  They even killed God and still reject Him to this day.  Yet God remained faithful to His special people and even blesses them to this day, despite their hatred for Him.   This is evidence that there is an Almighty God who does not renege His promises and is faithful and merciful desipte mankind’s wickedness.   

What other religion has their God rip into His own people about how evil they are and threaten to destry them if they do not turn back to Him for the majority of their Holy Book yet still keep His promises?  Proof Christ is the one true God.

The human race whould have killed itself off without a merciful God holding them back.

Ill be the villian if need be- so long as I do what’s right.  

Who decides what’s right and wrong?  If its man, I shudder to think what man is in power at the time.

The only ones with the power to take away your God given rights is the governmnet.

History’s a funny thing.  The villian today is a hero tommorow, and visa versa.   Herasy was once enforced by the church, now it’s enforced by science.  And who’d a thought loving your country could be controversial?  

Immigrants dont make america great, america makes immigrants great.  

Freedom with morality leads to innovation, discovery, and progress.  

It doesn’t matter whose on the right side of history; history changes.  It matters who is on the right side of God; God is constant and eternal.

Be not a respecter of man, but God.  Inevitably, you will repect authority.  Yet you will know when to rebell.  

If you cant resepct and obey earthly authority and laws, how do you expect to resepct and obey God’s authority and laws?

When you must choose between authority and whats right, choose whats right.  

Sometimes, there more punishment for doing what’s right than doing what wrong.

No man but Christ has ever been truly good, and few men that have lived have ever been completely evil.  Not even hitler was completely evil.  

If you murder me or burn me at the stake, that’s fine.  Just give me a week to write letters to loved ones (im dead serious).

I have no faith in humanity.  I dont even have faith in myself.  Thankful, there is a God.

The righteous dont choose their path- they follow God’s.

I used to think about how shallow I was.  I became deeper the more I thought on God.  

I really dont fully understand myself and came to the conclusion I never fully will.  I think its more important to dwell on what I want to be.   Instead of hating what I am, I began hoping what I could be.   And with Christ, I can be something more, something I dont despise.  With Christ I can be something extraordinary.

The greatest people in deed are the lowest of heart.  

Reflection and introspection are difficult if done correctly.  But being honest with ourselves, as painful and gut wrectching as it can be, is the first step to overcoming any struggle. 

You can only be forgiven you as much as you repent.

Being true to the spirit a command is far more important than strickly following the letter of a command.

Somtimes it takes an idiot to realize how stupid an accepted “truth” is.

A sound mind is more valuable than an intelligent one.  

Law should be synonymous with justice.  It rarely is.

Struggles and failures help people greater than successes and victories.  

How you overcame your failures, faults, and stuggles is a greater testamony than the mighty works youve done.  

I want no unity or peace with those who support killing babies, promoting transexuality amongst our children, and who prefer teaching foreign religion and cultures over our Christain American culture.

There are times when mercy trumps being right.

Sometimes its wrong to prove your right. 

Some people are so dumb, they are proof there is a God.  How else do they survive and get by all their life?  If you’ve worked in customer service, you know excatly what I mean. 

Common sense is not common today.  This is what happens when you teach the lies and propaganda that go against nature and logic in schools.  You breed morons.   

Truth can be the toughest pill to swallow.

I would rather make Christ happy than make myself happy.  He will reward me with an eternity of neverending bliss.

When you feel most distant from God, that’s when you need to seek Him the most.

As the Good Lord desregards the high and lofty in their hearts, and is gracious to the meek and lowly, so to do I try.  

If you feel  like you’re not where you wanna be in life, fret not.  Keep forging ahead, as you are just a late bloomer.

I kinda like being thought of as little or nothing.  Less is expected;)

Im thankful men go bald and women are not nearly as likely.  Can you imagine a world where a lot of girls in there 20’s or 30’s are bald?   That’s a nightmare I dont think any real man could handle.  

Ive heard (dont rememeber where or whom) people joke like, if people weren’t explained about where babies come from, they wouldn’t figure out how to procreate.  I know they’re trying to be funny, but that’s ridiculous.  Have they never felt that urge?  Trust me, mankind might be dumb, but they aint lacking in lust.  

I somewhat pity the truly great men.  The George Washington’s, Patricks Henry’s, and Samuel Adam’s.  For them to be as great as they were, of such outstandning character and vigourous passion for truth and justice, the pain and struggles they must had endured to get there must have been ineffable.  

It is Best to get right with God ASAP because we all die, and you never know when that will be.  

Those who truly have reconciled with God have peace without fear of death, committing all things into the hands of the Almighty.  

Whilst all other religions are false, they may still have some truths to them.  Cathothoism, while focusing on teachings of man (and even demons) over the teachings of God (riddle me this 1 timothy 4: “Teaching the doctrines of demons… forbidding to marry”) still believe in authority, and have a sense of right and wrong (unlike most protestants).  Another way to say karma is “you reap what you sow.”  Same principle, different wording.   And almost every religion, such as islam, is against homosexuality.  Heck, even cults like the mormons still believe that marriage is between a man and a women, even if they still allow polygamy.   

Judiasim might as well be another false religion.   Becasue it is impossible for any man to keep the law, all will perish by it.  Christ Jesus is the only way to heaven.  And those Jews who say they love Yehwey, but do not accept Jesus as the I AM, are liars, as Christ is the express image of the Father.   Do not be decieved, those people have rejected their God most of their history, and still hate Him to this day.

America was not founded on Judeo- Christian values.  We were founded on Christian principles, through and though (we eat bacon, dont we?).  Dont let those meddlers fool you.  The pilgrims did not come to obey the law of moses, they came to obey the one true God, Christ Jesus, and His ways.   Likewise, the founders continued their Christian heritage by seeking to create a Christian nation whilst calling on His Holy name for guidance and protection.   Judaism, on the other hand, rejects Jesus to this day, or else they would call themselves Christians.  

As the grace of Christ is superior to the law, so is America to Israel.  

People talk about new world order.  I want the old world order where a people rules themsleves, make their own laws and policies, and get to decide who becomes one of them.

Ask me why I want to deport every minorty and take away womens “rights” and my answer is “cause im a monster.”   Its true, Im a soulless, unwavering freak.  When you kill me, whether it is by burning me at the stake, guillatine, or lifetime imprissionment, at least ill die true to my beleifs, unchanged by the views of the mobs.  Just dont take me to court.  Endless litigation is too stressful, time consuming, and gut wretching to not be considered “cruel and unusual punishment.”   

If women cant even be submissive to their husbands, how can they be submissive to God? 

If you dont serve anyone but yourself, how can you serve God? (True especailly for women)

If your not afraid of judgment, what the point of mercy?

I have more hope for the soul who hates God with reason (like the death of a loved one) than the religious hypocrite.  

If its me and Almighty Christ against the world, i’ll take me and the Good Lord in a TKO, thank you very much.  

I am a single celled organism when compared to the magntude, depht, and greatness of Almighty Chrsit.  

Id rather be a man of God than a man of the people.

My life is proof there is a merciful, compassionate, and personal God.

Sometimes, we Christians get so caught up in Christianity, we forget people are people and they may not need religion at the moment.  I think its okay to just be a fellow human sometimes and not stress the teachings of the Bible.  Sometimes what people really need is not understanding, but compassion.  

The only thing sicker than a homosexual is a transexual.  You might as well spit in the face of the Almighty.  While some things are murky in the Bible, some things are so crystal clear that not even heathen who know nothing about the Bible can say God is for it.  All those pro homosexual and transexuals are just anti-christ.

Dont trust your emotions.  Just because you feel something, doesn’t mean you are that.  Just because you wanna kill someone doesn’t make you a murderer.  And just because you feel attracted to the same sex doesn’t make you a homosexual.  At least not until you embrace those emotions and become that murderer or homosexual.   You have a choice to resist, which is not easy, but rewarding on the long run, or give into to your demons and become one.

Just remember, it is impossible for God to forgive you when your dead.

We can know what God’s side is on many many issues.  The Bible is clear that homosexulity is evil (1 Corinthians 6:9Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor [a]homosexuals, nor [b]sodomites, ).  It is clear that  murdering babies, or abortion is punishable with death(Exodus 21-25 “If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman’s husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine.And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life,Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot,Burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.”), And preventing children from talking or hearing about the God the Son in schools, is intolerable in the eyes of the Almighty and God’s wrath is on such people (Matthew14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. And Matthew 18:6 “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”) .  If you cant agree that that is God’s side on basic issues like these, why do you even try to follow the Bible?  

slavery was a complex issue and not nearly as black and white as they make it out today.  It has been around for almost all of mankinds existance, and still persists today.  The fact whites and other groups got rid of it is remarkable and unusual.  Instead of feeling guilty or blamed for it, whites should be praised for being the people group that realized the sin of slavery and putting an end to it.  Most cultures still have slavery around the world today, such as africa, muslim nations, and many asian cultures.  Next time you are blamed for racism, tell them over 100,000 of your fellow white men died to set the slaves free in the bloodiest war America has ever fought.   Do not let them guilt you, you nor your parents ever owned a slave.   

Multiculuralism also spreads the lies and heresies of all the cruddy cultures and religions of the world.

Equality was never about equality.  It was always about supreriority.   At what point are we equal?  When blacks have different rights than whites? When affirmative action, or diversity is implimented, in which you get a job soley because of your skin color over someone more qualified?   When blacks are not just exhonerated, but praised for burning down buildings, looting and rioting? When whites pay blacks for crimes they nor their parents commited?  Equality’s a weird thing…

Females and males are different.  If you dont agree, you’ve got some serious issues.  Do you know what that means… it means one may be better than the other at certain things… you’ll never guess what one is better at almost everything… I still love you women, just know your role, and we are all happier for it.  I like my women to understand they are women and will never be men.  

Women and blacks (and most minorities) have a lot in common.  Both have so much emotions they have trouble thinking logically, will complain about anything for no rational reason, and will put down and blame white men for all their problems.  At least women want to work, even if it is just holding the signs at road construction, women’s “Professional” sports, or whatever political women do (I have no idea.  have you heard a congresswoman or female senator speak?  I honestly think there are 13 year old boys that sound more intelligent.  I’m always embaressed to call myself an america when I listen to them speak.  The whole world laughs at women leaders…trust me, I do.  (To be fair, I feel the same way about 90% of male poltiicians to.  Welp, hello golag, or whatever torchure device they use for people thinking freely and independently.  If you can’t find me, just know I wasn’t afraid to live my life and speak my mind.  It was a good life.  Dueces)).

If there are more than two genders, why do we only need two to procreate?  What do the other ones do?  Complain about inequality?  Wait that’s women and blacks (and most minorities quite honestly) do.  Is black a gender?  They do have a lot in common with women:  Playing the victim while enjoying laws that benefit them, acting helpless and then trashing white men for helping them, demanding (and spending) more money because its so hard to be them, looking out for their kind, and blaming everything on the white man while at the same time asking him to fix their problems.  Maybe there are more than two genders… No, wait, that just puts blacks and minorities in the “women” category.  Please, it doesn’t take a speaking 1 year old to understand there are two genders: boys and girls.  Don’t make yourslef look like a fool.  You are embaressing the human race… I’m pretty sure all living creatures that have males and females understand there are only two genders in their species, except parts of mankind.  Does that make us the dumbest creature?  That’s a really depressing thought… I’m kinda glad we have the internet and twitter so we can look back one day and laugh saying “can you believe people actually believed this!!!???!  And they attacked anyone who dissented!!!  This is why women or fags shouldn’t be in power.  I guarantee that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.”  It’ll be depressing to realize we were once here, but still kinda funny.   

There’s nothing quit as satisfying as ripping on arrogant snobs when no one else will.  

There is a strongly held myth that immigrants are these humble, kind, great people.  It’s as big a lie as communism being a great system of governmnet.  I’ve dealt with to many lowlife, arrogant minorities to stay silent about how great diveristy is.  I’ve seen them opress my people and mock us for protecting our own.  For every bad white person, ive dealt with more compaining, whining, short tempered, and self entitled arrogant minorties who thinks the world revolves around them.  And they dont even belong here!  The audacity of these people to think they are what make us great!  I garuntee if they every minority is forced out of western civilization, there will be less racism, complaing, unfair laws, hatred, division, and less crime.  Why are they here?  To mock us, drain us of our recources, create more government, keep the ruling class in power, keep wages down for all americans, make it harder for whites to get a job, guilt trip white people, humiliate us, and then balme us for all the problems they created?  All races have good and bad people, but most races have mostly bad people.  If these immigrants were so great, why are their countries almost always crudholes?  They are the reason for their countries being in the state they are, yet we welcome them here to destroy what we have.  How many americans can honestly say they want to live in a 10% or less white neighborhood?  If you honestly think you do, get out of america and western civiization because that is what it will be like.  Enjoy little freedom, few rights, and you can see firsthand how great the people of the world really are.  People are what make a nation, and we are being replaced.  Not to mention, most immigrants do not (and frankly cannot) want to become americans, they want the kingdom without God or God’s people.  They mock us and hate us, thinking so little of us despite us giving them so much.  They do not share our culture, ways, or beliefs, and quite frankly, they could care less; they want to carry on their culture, ways and beliefs.   Just because we are all made in the image of God does not make us all children of God.  Most cultures and people, including the Jews, have rejected Christ, and therefore will never love America or its people.  Even those minorites that are Christians and do genuinely love Christ will never be true Americans.   We must be one people or we cannot be one nation.   If afirca is made up of 50% chinese, jews, and indians, is it still afirca, or something else?  If america is not 100% white, is it even america?  There will never be true unity until we are all the same race as the pilgrims and forefathers.   Yes, we need to return to Christ, but even so, we still cannot be a diverse people.  Otherwise, we will always be divided with each people supporting their own and not the nation.  Cannot anyone see my logic?   Am I alone to think this way?  Call me all the names in the book, but I truly believe this is the not just the truth but the will of God.  America must be a 100% white Christain nation again, or it will fall.   Why can’t I support my people and fight for them?  Every other race can.  Just not the white man.  Do you not realize white people created this nation?   Why do we have to share our birthright with the entire world?  Did their ancestors suffer at plymoth rock?  Or reject the world to follow the one true God?  Or fight the most powerful nation in the world in order to follow the Almighty Christ?  The white man has been battle tested and proven worthy to inherit the blessings of America.  They have embrassed the gospel and truths of the Bible for centuries and passed it on to their posterity.  They have been burned at the stake for not recanting the truth.   They have transfomed the wrold with enlightening truths like the true equality of man, abolition of slavery, a governemnt that is self governed by the people, and protecting rights that God gave and no man should take away.   Maybe we’ve strayed far from our roots, but I am proud of my people, the white man, even today.  I see a people that hates the hypocracy of the church and yet still desires the one true God.  Who hold on to the prevcious truths of their fathers and will not recant them in their hearts even whilst the whole world pressures them to.  Who understand the high cost of freedom and are willing to pay that price.  Who love their nation, heritage, and people even amongst the lies and propagnda that tell them they are evil.  Who abhor the wickedness of those in power and desire justice.   Who desire not power, but peace.   Who are ready to sacrifice everything for their nation, if only that their posterity may see a brighter future.  Who cry out to God day and night, vexed at the immorality being spread amongst the land they call home, waiting and praying for deliverance.  My people, do not lose hope, the God of your fathers has not forgotten you.  Repent, and seek His face, and He will deliver you.  You are a precious people in His eyes, and He sees your hearts.  He knows you desire more than the world can offer.  That you are feed up with all the lies and want what is right.   He understands the pains and sorrow you have over your sins and the sins of your nation, and only seeks to heal, to save you.   It will be a time of trying, a time of testing.  The nation cannot be mended if the people do not repent.   You must take responsablity for your individual sins, or God cannot heal this land.  God may be merciful and may desire mercy, but He is a just God.   And the only thing that will deminish his wrath is true repentence by the people and country: a poor and broken spirit, wilt thou not despise, o Lord.  Be strong and fight the good fight.  God will send His servants to guide and restore this nation.   Be ready, and get right with God.  This nation can only servive if it stays true to its orginal God, the Christ.   Yet I believe Christ will restore us above our former glory.  We will be a city on a higher hill, a people of superior morals,practicing greater compassion, and a nation that truly loves and undertands the ways and truths of the Word of God.   Even in the darkest of times, DO NOT LOSE HOPE.  God has a plan and all power in His hands.  And He does not make mistakes.  Trust Him, and when you fall, He will catch you.   With Christ, even death cannot contain us.  With Christ, the whole world cannot previal against this people and their beloved nation.  

God can be kind to you, or in mercy judge you (if not for your sake, He has mercy on others).  Remember the same God that created the peaceful summer day also created the hurricane.  

The way you see yourself might not be how others do.  Sometimes your wrong, sometimes their wrong, and sometimes its something in between.  Yet rarely is it identical.

Mean people are often the most sensative.

Its not neccesary what you believe, its what your actions say you believe.

Even true Christians can still be wrong on basic doctrine.

Most “Chrisitans” shouldnt call themselves that.  If you are not trying to live by the Bible, why?  I get some is complex, but “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived: Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, “  1 Corinthians 6:9 and such passages couldnt; be more clear.

Some times you gotta get rid of the emotions and look at things obejectivley.  Things are often much clearer wtihout the haze of emotions.

Never assume.  It’s almost like fate wants to play a cruel trick and oppose expectations just to prove you wrong.

I am not ashamed of my faith.  I am not ashamed of my beliefs.  Truth will stand the test of time.

Each and every woman is as unique as each and every man.  Dont get me wrong, they’re all crazy, just some to a greater or lesser extent in their own unique way.

Being righteous isnt about always being right.  Its about repenting when you do wrong.

Sometimes people just want to be aknowledged, nothing more.  A short greeting will do.

Often, just an ounce of encouragement, a tablespoon of compliment is enough to help your fellow man stay on the straight and narrow or keep doing what their doing right.   Overdue, however, and it becomes unbeleiveable, or worse, revolting.  

Humans can learn to adjust to anything; skim milk (why is this even a thing?  Its not even as healhty as the others ive been told), welcoming cruddy immigrants that hate them and their country (albeit against their will), and teenage girls leaving their teenage mark on the internet (the last one should be illegal, please, for the love of sanity, make it stop).   

Ive had generic food brand so often, I sometimes prefer them to the good stuff.  Just goes to show something (or someone) can win you over if its been long enough, you have no other option, and you need it to survive.

Just because you care about how someone feels doesn’t mean you care about them.

One thing you should know about me is that I dont back down on my principles.  Even in defeat, I wont recant.

 Why is everyones dream to travel and see the world?  Yes, there are amazing things out there and it can be fun.  But there are such amazing things right here in your country, your state, your community.  And there aer so many amazing people out there.   Learn to enjoy what you have, what is before you, and you will greater enjoy the unknown and unseen.  

Sometimes people dont want your help, even those suffering, and sometimes you cant help.  There are some things people must find for themselves.

When wriitng laws, remember the purpose of the law.  As always, apply wisdom.

A servant is not as great as his master, and I am no mans master.  

I never understood the term “pro choice.” You have the right to kill your offspring?  The more accurate term is pro-murder.

 I dont feel safe when surrounded by people that look different than me.  

When a minority says they dont feel like they belong here, its cause they dont.   This is not their home and never will be.  Why do they always value their heritage of their home land?  Or feel a link to their “mother country?”  Their ancestors didn’t found this nation, build it, and populate it.   They feel out of place because they are.  And they, nor their offsrping, can never truly assimilate.  

Meek and benevolent idiots I can handle.  But the arrogent, self seeking, praise loving snobs who think their opinion is fact must be reproved, repromanded, and rebuked.  

If you make the same mistake a hundred times, but keep trying, that’s a feat in itself.  Id even call that a success in a way.

We live in a society that teaches women to have balls and men not to have any.  Im not even talking about sex reassignment.  Rather, Im talking about the rules and roles of nature.

Even if you are great, dont buy into the hype.  That’s the start of the decline.  

America is a nation that started in 1620 with the pilgrims.  Their God is the God of this land.  The God is the God of posteriety, and shall be forever more.

Careful what you say or do, someone will probably mimic you.  

How can you say two people are equal yet everyone is a unique individual?  We are all equal in worth (except straight white men who are scum of the earth), under the law (should be but we aint), and in the eyes of God (He is not a respector of persons), nothing else.

Equality in the law  should be but if a crime is committed, the same penality will be applied to all adults.  

The only thing about equality in voting is that we can all be screwed over by a scumbag who got voted in because women and minorities can vote.

Sexual lust is the defintition of pernicious.  

If you know when to walk away from people, youll find they’ll like you better.

Humans are more complex than the natural world.  It took God 6 days to create the natural world, yet He spends a lifetime shaping His people.  

Oftentimes helping others in their stuggles, helps you in yours.

How you say something is just as important as what you say.

Often the most overpraised people, both in their lifetime and histrorically, dont deserve it.  The One who does, Christ, rarely recieves it.

Even if its not 100% your fault, real men take acountability for what they’ve done wrong (and decent women too).  

Everyone wants to be God but God

If you cant take criticism, your probably not a good person

If you cant be faithful before marriage, why do you think you will be after?

You don’t need a promotion to grow.

People say women are crazy.  I think men are the crazy ones.  After all we know about em and all they do to us, we keep going after them and thinking this one  might do us right.

There is enough diversity in the white race.

Equality was never about equality, it was about making black lives better.

Sleep is one of the greatest gifts God gave to man.

Greed is not a result of capitalism, greed is a result of man.

I know the nature of man because I am man.  I know the nature of God because He reveals it to me.

Do unto others as they do unto you.  Yet what if they don’t want what you want or like what you like?  It’s the spirit of the law, not the letter.

One human soul is more precious to God than every animal ever created.

Living for self is shallow.  Living for others is better.  But if you really want depth, if you really want more, live for the Greatest, Deepest Being.  You just might start being deep like Him.

Songs loved by the madman written by the Father Of the Madman

If you can believe, 

if you can believe,

if you can believe than you surley shall see

you shall see the glory, 

you shall see the glory,

you shall see the glory of our lord and king

you shall see him mighty hand

move across this barren land

if you can believe then you surely shall see

one kind man on a dusty road

his feet were duty and His hands were cold

His hair was a mess, His throat was dry,

but still He could hear the people cry

look not to the left, look not the right

but only look to His glory light

for the groudn you walk on is holy ground

and there is danger all around

hes building a wall of fire around me,

hes making it to last for eternity

its diamond coated and silver lined

finsih last lines (cant rememeber-ask mom)

My will.

Vivit post funera virtus.

  • Translation: Virtue survives the grave.

I will not ever kill myslef  That is a promise.  A promise I made to God.  One I fully intent to keep, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much I want to end it.  And I pray He never lets me kill myslef, so He wont let me down.  If I ever “suicide” myslef, I was murdered.  Remember that.  I will never kill myself.  Trust me, I would have done it by now.  Ive overcome to much to go back.  And God’s been to good to me for me to stab Him in the back like that.  What kind of man would go through what I went through, find healing, victory and peace over all His demons and pains, and then end it?  I tell you, i’d be like giving the middle finger to the Almighty.  Not to mention the incredible pain I would put my loved ones though.  How could I do that to my beloved family, who suffered more than I suffured when I was at my lowest?  That would be pure selfishness.  Id rather have anohter mental breakdown than have my family to go through a suicide.  I love them too much.  However, when you say the things I said in this book, in the country we live in today, people will want me dead.  And they may even kill me.  I do not expect this, as I feel God has a calling in my life.  Nevertheless, who knows the mind of God, of what tommorrow He holds.  Now, im no lawyer, so my will may not be professional, but I think it’ll have a lot of heart.  (I intended to have much more, and there is, but it got personel, and quite, frankly, its none of the worlds business. Mostly just personal stuff  about my family and how I loved them each. )  

First, I could care less about my possesions or who get them, mostly.  Everything goes to my immediate family, my mother, father, brothers, and sister.  They can divy it up as they see fit.  However, do not sell my video games, movies, tv shows or cds.  I want you to keep those for my future neices and nephews to enjoy.  And see if you can find a way to play 8 player (16 if you can) mario kart double dash with everyone.  I always wanted to try it, but I couldn’t get the lan adapter.  We’ve already got two gamecubes and two copies of mario kart double dash (I bought a second one), so you just gotta track down two lan adapters.  As long as ive admitted everyhting in this book, I have another confession to make.  I tried buying two lan adapters off ebay, but found out they were modem ones, or something like that.  They were the wrong ones!  So you can’t do 8 playere with ’em.  I dunno even know what they’re for.  They’re just in my room, cause it wouldn’t let me return them.  The sad (or funny part) is that I knew this but got the wrong ones anyway!  And when I went back to buy the right ones, the price skyrocketed.  Guess everyone wants some 8 player double dash.  And yes, I know we played mario kart switch with 8 or 9 people, but double dash was the best one.  And I think itll be a blast.  Hopefully, I never get killed so we can enjoy it together as a family, but just in case, do this for me, will ya?  I’m sure my future nieces and nephews will love it.  Just make sure the worst player gets toad and todette, to level things out.  I think my movie collection is pretty solid, so you guys can enjoy it for all its worth.   Think of my collections as a library my nephews and nieces can enjoy.  And the cd’s, well, im sure their will be at least one future nephew that appreciates them.  Obviously not every cd is created equally, or loved by me equally.  But there’s some gems in there.  And some will really help with depression, trust me, Ive been there.  I always thought itd be fun to sit down with someone who actaully understand music and go throuh my cds on youtube or something.  We could have some good chats going through that mammoth collection.  If I dont die, itll be something fun to do one day.  And for the record, yes there are some guilty pleasures in my collection that are very embarrasing to admit I bought.  If I die, youll never hear my story about them, your loss.  But most of them I almost never listened to, im takling about the girl pop stuf (which for the record was only 4 or 5 albums I think.  Dang that sounds like a lot.  Dont judge me, alright?  So what if I like two of didos songs?  Those were two really good songs.  And I couldnt even listen to the rest of the album and it was her greatest hits, honest.).  I’m not sure why I bought some of them, but, Ill explain if I ever get the chance.   Anyways, other material possesions, I could care less.  My family can decide.  If there heartbroken, just be patient, we’ll meet again.   I’ll be in heaven, so ill be happy.   And sing that johnny cash song ‘if we never meet again, this side of heaven,”  its a good one.  

I will say here, since I dont think I will die (I did this just in case) I did have a dream where we were at a beloveds funeral.  All us kids had wifes and children, and there was one kid from a family who looked identical to me, but he wasn’t my kid, just a nephew.  And in the dream he had such a sad countanounce, like I did when I was depressed.  And he looked like my spitting iamge.  Maybe it was just a dream, but I think it was God tryng to speak to me.  I sadly believe there will be at least one kid in our family that has to go through depression like me.  I dont think it can be avoided.  I just pray he doesn’t have to struggle with both that and hypersexualism.  Thats almost too much to bear.  Anyway, I want you to know, ill be praying for him.  And ill be there for him, as you guys were there for me.  If you need any advice, ill be there not just for them but for you.  (I shed a few tears when writing this will.  Its a bitter thing to think about seperation, and the pain they’ll endure.  Thankfully, I think God’s got His arm of protection all around not just me, but my entire family.  I pray hard He keep us, and keep us safe no matter how bad this country gets.  And God is not slack concernering His promises)

The rest of my will is written elsewhere.  I wont include it because its personal stuff to my family.  Mostly about how much I love them and what they’ve meant to me.  I will never forget them, and consider those of my immediate family to be the greatest people I ever knew.  I thnk so highly of them and want them to know I love them more than they know.   It was also me venting about some of the stuff that anooyed the heck outta me, so I hope they take it to heart and change if possible.  I love them enough to call them out, and I know I probably have stuff that annoys the living heck outta them to.  Just goes to show even the most loving familiy isnt perfect.  Or maybe the imperfections is what makes us great.  Otherwise we couldnt help each other out.  Even if I had some grievences, which I did, and told them about in the will, I still loved them more than any others.  As with many things, I dont know why I kept this in my book, but I liked it, so there.  If im writing my autobiography, I can say whatever I want.   Hopefully I dont get murdered anytime soon, ive still got some dreams and goals in this life.  

If We Never Meet Again This Side of Heaven

Albert Edward Brumley 

Soon we’ll come to the end of life’s journey
And perhaps we’ll never meet anymore
‘Til we gather in heaven’s bright city
Far away on that beautiful shore

If we never meet again this side of heaven
As we struggle through this world and its strife
There’s another meeting place somewhere in heaven
By the river of life

Where the charming roses bloom forever
And where separation come no more
If we never meet again this side of heaven
I will meet you on that beautiful shore

Oh so often we are parted with sorrow
And action often quietens our pain
But we never shall sorrow in heaven
God be with you till we meet again

‘White people should commit suicide as an ethical act,’ says white professor

‘He took them to a proposed end of whiteness’

Joe KovacsBy Joe Kovacs
Published September 1, 2021 at 12:30pm

A psychology professor at Duquesne University is raising eyebrows by agreeing with another educator who says it would be ethical for white people to kill themselves.

“White people should commit suicide as an ethical act,” says the top of a video presentation by professor Derek Hook at the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, college.

“This is part of an ‘anti-racist’ discussion on ‘nice white therapists held by the [American Association for Psychoanalysis in Clinical Social Work],'” the group wrote on Facebook.

The College Fix noted “the video appears to be from a summer session hosted by Hook, though the content is not otherwise publicly available.”

Hook, who himself is white, was quoting from Terblanche Delport, a South African philosophy professor at the University of Pretoria who wrote about white people killing themselves in 2016.

“[T]he only (life) purpose for whites, specifically Afrikaners, is to await their death or to commit suicide, like the samurai falls on his short sword when he has fallen into disgrace,” Delport said, according to Radio Free South Africa.

“White supremacy could only be ended once whites are dead,” continued Delport, who also is white. “We should be prepared to die silently, without having children, so that white supremacy could come to an end at last.”

“Here’s the kind of crazy gambit of this talk,” Hook said in his analysis. “I want to suggest that psychoanalytically we could even make the argument that there was something ethical in Delport’s statements.”

He suggested white folks could symbolically kill themselves or undergo metaphorical “castration.”

“I want to make the argument that there is some kind of ethical dimension to his provocations,” Hook continued.

“I think Delport took his white audience to the threshold of a type of symbolic extinction … he took them to a proposed end of whiteness.”

According to his Duquesne biography, Hook is a “scholar and a practitioner of psychoanalysis with expertise in the areas of Lacanian psychoanalysis, post-colonial theory (the work of Frantz Fanon in particular), the psychology of racism and critical social psychology.”

The College Fix noted: “The American Association for Psychoanalysis in Clinical Social Work is a liberal group that previously called on President Trump to resign days before his term in office ended due to the violence at the Capitol.

“The group ‘believes that Donald Trump’s presidential powers must be immediately revoked,’ according to a January 13 statement. ‘He has demonstrated an exploitation of such powers through the consistent promotion of racist groups and ideologies.'”

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