fudgcuttter rough draft unfinished

twas the day after Christmas,

the household was eager

to mayhap catch a glimpse

of a man so meager

what’s more exiting than Christmas?

some people may ask.

I will tell you the truth

tis a very hard task

maybe if you saw him

you might even say,

the fudge cutters real

I saw him today

they lay our their fudge

every boy every girl

both young and old

to stick on their tongue

a morel bit size;

many endless supplies

what name does he go by?

what prize does he seek?

the fudge cutters his name

he’s out to seek the meek

a poem hope

I once was bound in despair

until I heard news through the air

the news of one who came to save

I searched my head and left my cave

for in my cave there was no hope

just thought and demons forbidding me to cope

but all that changed upon a cross

when one mans life took away all loss

once cursed as I looked above

swearing I would never come to love

not people noway no how

not my creator of whom I now bow

now I look forward eyes full of light

saved from sorrow I reach a new height

what have I. found that I hold so dear

why it is hope for my savior is near


MY passion, my home, my country

once founded by a righteous generation

the land of the free, the land of the just

darkened with many blemishes

but still my place of refuge.

A place birthed with liberty, hope and righteousness

when one can voice his say

or go where his heart leads

still a lingering hope preservers

though communists and evil doers fool many

dressed as an angle of light they come

trying with all their might to ruin us.

but not accordion to a dream,

and not without people rising up

we will not surrender,

we will not fold

let us remember saint Washington

and the angle who brought a vision

one where this land of haven

triumphs of the darkest of evils

not even the worlds united can overcome

America is desperate to recover its greatness

A land yearning to go back to its roots

and claim the promise of a free land once more

when evil doers twist lie and confuse the truth

but there is still hope

and when the darkest hour is revealed

mayhap the people will unite under one God

and learn to stand for the truth once more

and in the end when we rise victorious

a nation radiating whit light form on high

we will once again have a righteous generation

may the people then cry with one accord

America the land of the free

the land of the brave

and the land land of the just and godly

redemptive hero

A dark knight reborn

he is filled with grief and sorrow

as his mind races

overwhelmed with his dark past

he is haunted with those memories

no more does he want that

to roam free form his sins

and fight for a better side

is the new desire form his heart

with purity and light

he walks with newfound purpose

with mercy and compassion

he starts a path anew

avenging then just and pure of heart

once filled with darkness and wrath

he has turned to a righteous path

no more does he cause destruction

to roam upon his heart

and unveil the evils of his soul

now a soldier of the light

he protects the weak

and fights for justice of meek souls

now at peace he fights for those


there I was..


surrounded by the masses…


looking for someone..


crying for help…


hoping for someone ….

to save me

try to stay steady…

to stay strong

listening to the voices…


mind going everywhere…


finding an ally…

a true brother


we get rejected

we get abused

we get shafted

we get left behind

we get forgotten

we rise above

we rise with love

we rise over trials

we rise in hope

we rise for goodwill

we hope in truth

we hope in purity

we hope with charity

we hope in goodness

we hope to end strife

school of reform

why do the heathen rage?

why do the foolish seek war?

why do the vain seek self glory?

Why do the warmongers spread fear?

why do the criminals attack innocent?

they rage for glory

they seek war for filthy lucre

they seek glory for selfish pride

they spread fear for power

they attack for gain

how do we prevent rage?

how do we stop money obsessing?

how do we end selfish pride?

how do we cease the lust for power?

How do we stop selfish gain?

BY showing the benefits of peace

by explaining the meaning of life

by exhorting the value of others

by giving it to the people

by showing the value of charity


our hero lay defeated

our hero lay alone

our hero lay crushed

our hero lay lost

the darkness was present

the losses were never ceasing

the hope was being lost

the dreams were dashed to pieces

yet strength had not ceased

yet fortitude was present

yet courage remained

yet faith was still a whisper

instead of hiding… he found hope

instead of crying… he rose valiantly

instead of laying low… he faced his destiny

instead of fearing… he risked his life for all

hidden beauty

Her beauty is Hidden

her eyes are full of companion

her ears listen in kindness

her mouth speaks charity

her hands give the gift of warmth

her breathing proves her modesty

her walk shows her purity

her talks value others

her hug grant great comfort

her legs walk good tidings around

her heart is filled with joy

her hair exposes her freedom

her beliefs solidify her sainthood

her love changes peoples hearts

her conversation converts people to truth

her loyalty lasts forever

her testimony is eternal

new beginnings

I ran swiftly

not knowing where

not looking back

no guilt no shame

only seeking to begin anew

I thought quietly

at the memories

at the pressures

at the failures

happy to leave it behind

I found hope anew

happy to find work

happy to find friends

happy to find a home

ready to began anew

the earth and all of its fullness

days glow afresh

shining forth

in glorious light

going foreward

to blaze trials anew

mountain overlooks

rivers shimmer

woodlands sing

canyons echo

land was made for you

eternity glistens

nature screams

times stops

earth is yours


gone but not within

they’re gone

but not within

we remember

we recall

we never forget

their memories shine

their face glistens

their voice echoes

their wisdom endures

their love remains



stuck forever as memories of light

timeless in my time

they remain within my heart

What is man?

man is deeper than meets the eye

man is funner than imagination can create

man is wiser than time flies

man its weirder than animals can imitate

man Is heart-filled more than the mind thinks

man is greedier than a bank

man is as jealous as an ex

man is sadder than the tears of heaven

man is goofier than cotton candy

man is more helpless than a lost dog

man is as redeemable as credit

man is as hopeful as a new day

mans is as precious as a newborn

man is as worthwhile as life

man is unforgettable as we stand the test of time

Time flows

On all fours we crawl

Speaking each language in gibberish

Seeing our surroundings our eyes open

Hearing the sounds of life in awe

In the arms of safety  blissful

On two feet we run for freedom 

speaking one language we socialize

Seeing the world we gaze in wonder

Hearing our favorite music enthralled

Figuring out  the way of life

On a cane we creep forward

Speaking in riddles and wisdom

Seeing the world as it was

Hearing the cries of past loved ones

Reminiscing yesteryear as we await our fate


broke down

we weep

head strong

we fall

marching forward

we stumble

looking for answers

we’re lost

strengthened within 

we laugh

built up

we rise

blazing paths

others follow

answering questions

purpose is found


of peace within

of harmony amongst friends

of the unity of allies

of charity to the poor

of goodwill to neighbors

of bonding within families

of trust amongst partners

of sleflessnes towards others

of hatred of lucre

of distance from welfare

of hope for the future

of innovation that excites

of science that discovers

of religion that purifies

of life that preservers

of dreams that endure


I was…







I am…







I will…



carry on


be gracious



stay strong…

with mercy

stay wise…

with humility

stay brave…

with compassion

stay honest…

with goodwill

stay righteous…

with sincerity

stay fortified…

with meekness

stay holy…

with purity

stay lowly…

with dignity

stay peaceful…

with justice

stay thankful….

with understanding

stay hungry…

with a love of life

American made

child of the republic…

be strong like the mountain

unmovable in your resolve

unchangeable in your ways of virtue

impenetrable in your fortitude

child of the free

be wise as the wind

always searching yet never satisfied

helpful to strangers yet steady to kin

going where your heart deems worthy

child of the brave

be courageous as the waterfall

not afraid to make a leap of faith

purifying your cells amongst the rocks

showering the world with uncanny fearlessness


weary hands..

continue to work despite the pain

weary legs…

keep marching to the best of life

weary eyes…

fight those tears and see life

weary mind…

dont quit chasing the answers

weary tongue..

keep preaching the truth

weary ears…

keep listening for peace

weary heart…

never quit loving

weary body…

ignore the pain and thrive

weary soul…

you fight, rest is for the dead


we love for unity

we unite for peace

we peace for progress

we progress for wonder

we wonder for creativity

we create to gaze

we gaze to seek

we seek to love

we love for unity


Bitter loss

I cried.. they mocked

I explained… they didn’t understand

I showed… they rejected

I created… they destroyed

He ran… they followed

He spoke… they listened

He wept… they comforted

He invented.. they appreciated

I reached out… he laughed

I pleaded… he punished

I desired peace… he already obtained

I wanted fellowship… He was engulfed in friends

He looked down… at me

he ripped up.. my words

he terrorized… my hopes

he conquered… my peoples hearts

down but not out

broken-down, beaten, but not conceding

lost and alone, but not friendless

tired, in despair but not lifeless

poor and in debt yet full of love

terrorized, in danger but still brave

brainwashed and indoctrinated yet still open

weak and powerless but capable

push and pulled but in one piece

ripped and shredded but strengthened in heart

mocked and scorned but smiling

flattered and mislead but honest still

attacked and accused but a steadfast reputation

forgotten and left behind yet at peace within

rejected by all but her, endless love


If you’re in pain

I will feel it

I will be beside you

I will aid your aliment

However I can


If you are lost

I will guide you

 I will comfort you

I will make you forget the unknown

And show you

This is where you were meant to be

With me


If you are lonely

Wherever you are

I’ll be beside you

Guiding you

Loving you

Cherishing you

Supporting you


If you’re in sorrow

I’ll wipe those tears

I’ll cry for you

I’ll take it upon myself

Until you laugh

And weep no more


If you are poor

I will give you my love

I will show you laughter

I will make the rich Envy you

For the all the love and good

That comes your way



If you’re rejected

know you belong to me

If you’re confused…

know i will enlighten

if you’re in sorrow

know well weep together

if you’re lost

know well find a path together

if you don’t know…

know i love your honesty

if you are feeling small

know i love your humility

if you’re wanting

know ill give you all i’ve got

if your feeling alone

know im with you in spirit

if your are alive

know i will always cherish you

if you are mine

know you will always be

if you are unloved

know the whole world will be jealous

of my love for you

My love

My love

will outlast time

and transcend space

my love

will make time stop

and never cease

my love

will ease your pain

to the point of ecstasy

my love

will fill the empty air

and surround you in comfort

my love

will cease your doubts

and bring clarity

my love

will end your searching

and will guide you

my love

will surpass you best dreams

and eliminate any nightmare

my love

will be there in sorrow

and ease your troubled mind

my love

will remind you Im enough

and make all your past forgotten

my love

will make others’ mundane

and excite that beautiful mind

my love

will make you forget

all that came before

my love

will continue after death

and always comfort you

my love

will replace what was

and set joy inside


Virtuous origins

The highs of joy

began when i understood sorrow

the depth of peace

began after great confusion

the sounds of laughter

began after rivers of tears

the mountains of faith i moved

began after years of doubt

the strength others admire

began with endless failures

the courage to take a stand

began after countless fears

the wisdom of sages

began with unlimited questions

the hope for tomorrow

began with a hopeless past

peace of mind

began with struggles of demons

and the love of God

began with hatred for the Almighty

but ended with blissful love


Id rahter be with you

We laugh with love

we bond with joy

each and every celebration

yet id rather be with you

even in tears

filling up my empty heart

we cheer our hearts out

we come together as one

over meaningless games we give meaning too

yet id rather see you at your worst frown

and mayhaps bring out that million dollar smile

that warms the air surrounding you

we feast to celebrate

foods loaded with taste

fill our bellies to the barrel

yet your eyes are my desire

even if they are heavy with sorrow

they still glimmer with your ceaseless hope

we play all day

hours of swear toil and fun

for the rights to reign victorious

yet id rather hear that angelic voice

even if its all choked up

it rings as heavenly as mortals may

red blue and white

red for valor

bravely enlisting

fearlessly fighting

with the red blood

soiling the ground

for freedom

blue for vigilance

never ceasing watch

standing strong relentlessly

sailing the blue

both sky and and sea

for justice

white for purity

never seeking war

always bidding peace

among the brotherhood

of Adams race

for our prosperity

my love,

if my mind could feel,

it would feel love for your you

my love,

if my heart could speak,

it would sing of your virtues

my love,

if my hands could experience your brilliance,

they be enlightened like the renaissance

my love,

if my voice could see you

it would marvel at your pure beauty

my love,

if my love for you could talk,

the language would be divine angel speak

my love,

if time could contain my emotions,

it would erupt like a volcano of the purest love

for my love for you

is a Holy love

begun in Christ

lasting eternal

wiling to suffer

pulling you up when your down

and always cherish you no matter the trial

my love strengthens with each hardship i encounter

the more i feel pain the more i can love you

i searched for you

not knowing

your virtues

your radiant cheer

blindly i look

hoping against odds

that you exist

that you wont let my burning heart fail

will i ever see you?

your smile of cheer

your strength of comfort

your eyes that shine

as the stars of the sea

radiating all life…

when will i be we??

My dream

is to see you smile

forgetting all your troubles

replaced by us together

through all life trials

My hope

is to make you happy

letting you experience

the joys of life

with me by your side

my desire

is to watch you mother our kids

who learn from you

the ways of truth

and shine forth as lights

my wants

are seeing you shine for me

radiating as the stars

for no one else but me

making my dreams reality

my passion

is seeing the best of you

doing every bit my part

to make your life worthwhile

and your trials redeemable

my fulfillment

is only possible with you

as two become one

one is crippled without its half

but perfected with its missing part

my name,

is to be one with you

sharing life’s struggles

and enjoying life’s joys

together with our brood

my rest,

will be next to you set in stone

for the ages to see

and awake together at the trumpet

will our Lord in paradise together

I trust

that God doesn’t fail

as He is Almighty

and knows what to

every time everywhere and with everyone

I trust

that God answers prayers

Not too early or too late

but when the prayer means the most

and has the greatest impact

I trust

that when good suffers good is followed

for evil has no part with good

and when evil attacks good overwhelms

and prevails even in death

i trust

that my mistakes lead to good

as God redeems wrong

and makes them success

for those that put their faith in him

i trust

that when i’m hated He’ll be glorified

as hating good brings shame to some

and invigorates the good

strengthening their inner being

I trust

that God made me an equal half

who loves God as i do

and who compliments me perfectly

ready to suffer with me through any trial

i trust

God has more power than evil

able to stop any wickedness

allowing satan to thrive now

to test His people and prove their worth

I trust

souls last forever

belonging to the place of peace

or the prison of perdition

eternally Glorying God

im here for you always

When sorrow enters your soul,

my soul will take your sorrow

and replace it will laughter

ill be there for you

in sunshine or rain

when anxiety fills your emotions

my presence will calm you

and fill your emotions with peace

ill be there for you

through thick or thin

when insanity takes over your mind

i will give you logic

and bring your mind back to reasoning

ill be there for you

through sanity or a lost mind

when pain fills your body

my words of comfort and cheer

will make your body forget the pain

ill be there for you

in laughter or tears

when death stings your heart

my love of life will bring you back

forgetting your loss and remembering hope

ill be there for you

in life or death

I am the pain from suffering

mind body and soul

all tormented by weakness

strengthening me

i am the disappointment of failure

trying over and over

and getting nowhere

making life more meaningful

i am the hurt of loss

my favorite people things ideas

all falling apart before my eyes

making what i have more precious

i am the shortcomings of hope

always wishing for the moon

but receiving a nightmare

fire testing my faith to perfection

i am the sting of loneliness

always seeking a friend

but walking the narrow path

drawing closer to the Divine

i am the dashing of dreams

all my wants crushed by life

stuck in a time loop of disappointment

giving rise to my unbreakable spirit

i am the one who overcame

bringing nothing into the world

leaving my dreams and words of cheer

regretting none of the hard times

Unborn child

you’ll see loss

but you’ll experience wonders

that will never leave you

unborn child

you’ll have pain

but witness marvels

exciting that precious mind

unborn child

you’ll get bored at times

but exciting thrills await

taking you places unforgettable

unborn child

sorrow is necessary

to fully get joy

balance will complete you

unborn child

if no one wants you

God will take you in as His own child

protecting you from all ails

unborn child

you will be loved

always by your Creator

watching over in tender mercy

apart from you

I’m vain and concieted

with no one but myself

to care for

apart from you

I search my innermost depths

and see darkness and pain

my lifeblood depleting hourly

apart from you

I love with reservation

patiently waiting for you

to make life worthwhile

but with you

I have someone

to love and cherish

who reciprocates it

making me whole

but with you

my pain is washed away

filled with joy from you

springing eternally

binding us closer

and with you

my love has no limit

for your heart is boundless

able to receive endless charity

never letting me fall back alone

ill stand by you

when the going gets tough

ill be there closer

absorbing all the heat

to keep you safe

ill stand by you

ill stand by you

when all else forsake

even if its just us

ill be there with you

to the very end

ill stand by you

ill stand by you

through mocking and venom

any malice towards you

ill bear and replace

with love and laughter

ill stand by you

the white slave

we worked

for them to live here

we welcomed with open arms

and they spat on us

we talked friendly

and they mocked secretly with their dialect

we preferred them with our laws

and they still broke our laws

we gave them priority over our own people

and they despised us

we opened our culture to include them

and they said we had no culture

we embraced their culture

and they blamed ours for their faults

we gave them money

and they sent it to their home country

we tried to show them love

but they only had contempt for us

we cried when one of theirs died

they applauded when they murdered ours

we tried to be one

but they wanted separation

we wanted peace

they wanted control

they were united with their people

ours were riven in two

The Lord Giveth

God gave us mountains to conquer

God gave us valleys for reprieve

God gave us waters to purify

God gave us clouds to dream

God gave us trees to build

God gave us caves to explore

God gave us electricity to marvel

God gave us rain to wash away

God gave us air to breath life

God gave us stars to shine as

God gave us hills to rise above

God gave us beaches to relax with

God gave us animals to rule over

God gave us life to walk with Him

God gave us death to seek Him

God gave us HIs Son to know Him

my highs come

when I think of our highs together

just your thought brings ecstasy

my heart comes alive

when I fantasize of us together

sharing moments of laughter and unity

my love feels volcanic

when I think of me becoming we

replacing my wanting heart with bliss

my life seems worthwhile

when you make your entrance

making elan outta mundane

my dreams become reality

when you show yourself

surpassing my wildest dreams

my ramblings make sense

cause someone finally gets me;)

as you respond with tact

my body’s been kept pure

a holy temple waiting for you

as one becomes twain

my tomb is set in stone

your the only one worthy to share it

rising to the sound of our Savior


my love wlh remain loyal

you were born to live with me

but one day you’ll pass away and separate

yet my love will remain loyal

you will laugh over joys

and you will cry from earthly pains

but my shoulder will always be open in love

you will ponder life

you will marvel at nature

while I stand by in harmony

you will discourse with philosophers

you will question scientists

yet I will take you farther

you will experience inspiring wonders

you will experience heartbreaking sorrows

as my heart steadies us forward

you will find joy unspeakable

you will get lost in a world of awe

as I guide you home to the angels

im right here waiting

you seek comfort

you gaze for strength

im right here waiting

strong as a rock, soft as a pillow

you seek for meaning

you desire purpose

im right here, waiting

deep as the ocean wise as the sky

you’ve longed for love

you want more than words

im right here waiting

with a heart of flesh and words of stone

you speak riddles

you question life

im right here waiting

rhyming your riddles and fulfilling your questions

you were born for more

you dont want to wind up alone

im right here waiting

full of love and compassion

life with me…

you’ll see my demons

but understand my sainthood

it will be challenging

but will reap rewards

there will be hardships

but tremendous victories

there will be heavy sorrow

but tremendous joy

there will be rejection

but I will always be near

the hate will be uncanny

but the love ethereal

the struggles immense

but the good times aplenty

there will be echoes of silence

but smiles from the memories

it will require sacrifice

but bring tremendous gain

life with me…

will be a journey leading through hell

but winding up in heaven

I searched for a way out

but got more lost

until the Son found me

I sought after friends

but only found shallow fools

until the Son befriended me

I screamed from the pain

helpless to find healing

until the Son restored me

I felt empty and shallow

with no meaning or purpose

until the Son gave me command to live

I felt wretched and devious

disobeying all natural laws

until the Son regenerated me

I felt abandoned and.betrayed

with no one to go to

until the Son rescued me

I felt in the valley of the shadow of death

destined to burn for all eternity

until the Son saved me from myself

I felt distant and far from God

screaming profanities against His name

until the Son brought light to my heart

I felt abused and molested

with no way out

until the Son whispered to my heart

I am the God of sorrow

taking your pain on myself

that you may have joy forever

they say coal is diamonds so it is

the crazy one spoke

but his words fell off the deep end

and all saw his insanity

society moved on

the harsh one spoke

words of bondage

but all saw his yoke

society moved on

the irrational spoke

words impossible

but all saw its fallacy

society moved on

the persuader spoke

speaking diamonds of coal

appealing to the deprived

but most saw his trick

the swindler swindled

speaking of the rarity of coal

and the abundance of diamonds

fooling only fools

the propagator persisted

pushing them paradise to the children

wearily some caved

seeking that diamond of coal

the dissenter rebelled

but it was too late

coal was diamond now

the sane were crazy

the gentle harsh

the rational irrational

as paradise became hell

I dreamt of her

her honest pure mouth

with nothing to hide

putting knaves to silence

her personality shining

as bright as electricity

warming those surrounding her

and fending off ruffians

her emotions in tune with divine angles

as she cries over injustices

and rejoices in the humble

who rise victorious

her eyes show the depth

of a soul driven through fire

ready to tackle any obstacle

and give thanks for hardships

Her belief in God steady as a rock

unquenchable love of her Savior

praising thanking and walking with Him

Everyday as she grows closer to the Divine

as the sun shines by day

and gives its light to the moon by night

so my love will never cease, by day or by night

as water fills the oceans

and covers the earth in rain

so to will my love cover you and reach you anywhere

as fire consumes forests

and spreads continuously

so to will my love consume you and continue evermore

as wind blows to and fro

surrounding us from every direction

so my love will surround you wherever you go

as the earth gives you ground to walk on

and a place to rest your weary body

so to will my love serve you, giving you rest

dear soul mate… I hope you can read these… I dont believe in myself… but I believe there is a higher power… and I believe you were made for me…. as I for you… I just wish I could see your face or hear your name or given a hint that, yes, you are out there waiting for me. All I have to go by is my heart/faith… ill have you know im getting better daily… and I think there will be nothing sweeter this earth can give me than meeting you and getting you know you… I hope you love Jesus as much as I do… that you can forgive me for my sins, look past my laziness, and handle my quirks. I just want you to know you are precious to me and Jesus. We will do everything in our power to take care of you and fill your heart with love. I trust that we will meet at the right time. I don’t want you to see me when I’m down or heavy, so its a good thing we didn’t meet right away. I want you to get the best of me, in every-way. I pray I get funny again by the time we meet. I wanna see that beautiful smile and hear that angelic voice laugh. I hope you’re not in any pain because of me. I just want what’s best for you. And hopefully I have a part to play in that:)

I waited for her eagerly

counting the stars above

praying to the God of Creation

hoping that she exists

with nothing but a dream

God asked me why?

why is she so important to you

why do you need her

why not anyone else?

why do you love her?

I told God I didnt have much to me

so I wanted someone that made life worthwhile

im lonely and dont belong anywhere

one wife and I might as well aim for the moon

I know she loves you like I do so it’ll work

the nights got long alone

the days seemed meaningless

without her to share them with

like I was a shell of what I could be

and women all seemed this or that

but she was everything I sought

all I heard was doubt

all I knew was rejection

why I held on hope is beyond me

I still feel like a reject

like a throwaway rag

but I believed she was out there

someone that accepted me

that forgave me

that chose me above all else

like I did to her


and when we meet,

a piece of me will die

the dark hatred of self

as I finally see someone

that proves I have worth

because she was made for me

and I for her

that wasn’t a very good poem but it kinda is how I feel … I hope she likes it

we wait in ecstasy

just the thought of her

made my heart pound jittery

as excitement floods my mind

with dreams of yesteryear flashing

could this finally be the year?

after years of day dreaming

and tears from praying

all I have left is joy from hope

of that soul that matches mine

all those years of doubting

will be laid to rest

with one simple hello

ill go from hell to heaven

as she makes me forget

the loneliness and sorrow

no more looking at girls

and wondering what ifs

im set for life with her

as my high goes to higher

ive found her!!!

the girl of my prayers

the angel from God !!!

the weight consumes me

piercing thru the marrow

cutting beneath the skin

reaching deep into the bones

becoming one with my very being

it made me lonely

in a room full of people

none could bring laughter to my heart

and everyone felt like a stranger

even the closest of kin

it made me easy tasks monumental

each simple action taking its toil

draining the lifeblood from me

wearing me to the core

forcing me to give it my all just to get by

the emotions were gone

just a lingering weight

replacing the simple joys

and giving me heavy sorrows

yet “this to shall pass”

my tears and prayers will be answered

I look back in my life

seeing the pain constantly

felling it as if I were there

wondering how I made it

thanking God that time moves forward

I reminisce of yesteryear

the joy!! the wonders!!!

overshadowed by grief and letdowns

everywhere in my past

thankful all things move forward

I remember the past

so much to do with my life

so many options to take

but I fear I take the easy path

wondering if I could have done more

I recollect my history

and become grateful for the past

I realize mistakes taught me

weights strengthened me

and God always had my back

I dreamt of her

with my waking eyes

all her righteous qualities

all her love and loyalty

someone made for me

but it was just fantasy

my imagination went rampant

dreaming of the impossible

my mind played tricks on me

woman arnt dreamt up by man

with every fiber of my being

I wished she were real

I hoped it was more than a dream

I wanted to make dreams a reality

but that isn’t within my power

I wanted someone to cherish and love

who was worthy of my suffering

and pushed me to be more

because she was everything

and I was everything to her

and Chirst was everything to us, as one

whispers of hope

the mountain looms overhead

reaching to the heavens

surrounding with no other options

overwhelming our weary hearts

a whisper in our hearts:

“every mountain shall be brought low”

Loss after loss I experience

felt ive lost the best parts of me

weeping so much no tears are left

heart in the gutter from lose

yet a whisper in my heart

“o death where is thy sting…”

I seek for joy everyday

everything seems so empty

nothing satisfies my empty soul

everyone goes their own way

I cry out in desperation

a whisper lingers in my heart

” I am the Bread of Life”

Im weighed down heavily

the tasks of life overwhelm

the sacrifices for my loved ones

daily taking its toll on me

with no where to turn

but a voice whispers in my heart

” come to me all ye heavy laden and I will give you rest”

floating hearts

my soul drifts here and there

seeking depth substance and truth

asking the hard questions

that can’t be answered audibly

seeking solace and a resting place

my mind wonders in oscillation

seeking wisdom humor or the right words

hesitating outta fear of failure

always giving it my all

seeking to be the best it can be

my heart floats on steadfast

seeking one to share its love with

finding none worthy of it

only those who abuse and use

praying to the Creator of hearts

seeking her the answer to my prayers

my love remains

take away my emotions

bury them deep within

a cold robot i’d become

yet love is an action

and you bring out my best in me

my love for you would still remain

waiting to see you , to break free

take away my will

the urge to go on no more

a wandering soul drifting

with no path to follow

yet deep down I’m holding on

my love for you would remain, keeping me

pushing me forward to be with you

take away my sanity

the logic of love lost

the muscle of mental health vanished

giving me cloudy thoughts

and dark chaotic possibilities

yet my love dear woman will remain

keeping me loyal to the promises for her

Dear soul mate,

sorry bout that crazy last post. Jesus is the good guy. There is no other God. Im sorry I got so obsessed with her. You are a mortal like me. But immortality is within grasp by seeking finding and abiding by living God. Lets be honest, I wouldn’t wanna be with a perfect diety anyway. I like the fact you have flaws and are imperfect. That’s just like me. I think if I were perfect I wouldn’t be as desirable. And I feel the same way about you. it makes you more relatable. More fun to tease;). And I have worth cause I can make up for your weaknesses as you can for mine. We complete each other. We aid the weakness of each other to bond tighter whilst assisting. I wanna see you cry so I can hold you and comfort you and wipe every tear from your eye. I wanna be strong so you can fill your weaknesses with my strengths. maybe more later


your love

my beloved,

time marches forward, but my love stays strong. Thousands of options available, but your the only one I want. MY passion for you burns strong like the sun. Immovable. Irrevocable. Irreplaceable. Intoxicating my very being. Being I know you can accept my love and reciprocate it only brings warmth and longing to my heart. This heart has seen a lot of pain, but that pain can be transformed into warmth and caring for you. All you gotta do is exist. My love will transcend the horrors of life and bring joy to your beautiful soul. Please dont ever feel pain alone!!! I will always be here to feel your sorrows with you so you may find comfort in the dark times. Come to me dear woman, and I will show you the way to happiness. Be there for me and I will never succumb to the nightmares of darkness. You have the ability to keep me afloat in this life. The ability to give me something more meaningful and deeper than just living for self. Sacrifices for self lead to pride and self obsession. Sacrifices for loved ones lead to greater rewards than any self serving action. That is why I desire you: to have someone on this earth to sacrifice for. Sometime to see smile due to me. To see laugh from being around me. From hearing her voice of seeking for more together. Together we shall uncover so many truths from the pains of mistakes to the joys of bonding. I can’t wait to start my journey with you! To uncover the magnificent wheel of your mind churning and creating fabulous times and conversations and passionate uncovering of truths. For what Is a more noble ambition that the seeking of truth?


your love

I will love you more once we meet. And I plan on loving you more gradually everyday. If your as wonderful as I imagine and worthy of the calling I can’t wait to develop the unbreakable bond of deep lovers.

To my beloved,

I know our love won’t be perfect, as nothing this world is. It will be flawed as I am as you are. There will be struggles and pains and heartaches. There will be silence and boredom and confusion at times. I feel like ive been pumping this up like we are these perfect beings that can do no wrong. I want you to understand im flawed. That I will make mistakes. That you will feel a way that not not even I can solve. Im no deity, no flawless lover. Ill make my fair share of mistakes. As you will. But I believe love is as much about the grind and attempts to reconcile as it is the perfect days of emotional bliss. Ill try to make it up to you when I fail you. Ill try to do my best to satisfy your desire, as long as they do not go against my moral compass or faith in the Higher Power. Forgive me for my faults in advance, I will not be able to achieve your every dream. Ill give you everything ive got, but even that may fall short to your expectations because ive touted myself as this great lover. Words are empty without the actions to prove them. And I pray my actions heed my words of love for you. And there are times when nothing can bring me outta depression, not even the love of a perfect woman. Don’t take it personal. Ill bounce back for you, but sometimes its just too heavy. I desired to run away today to drive 5 hours just to see you because im missing you severely. I long for you with so much of my being. But how long will this longing last, after we meet? Will I always have this desire for you? Will It fade as life goes on or will it grow into a closer relationship of oneness. If you truly become one with me, I pray that you uplift me and bring me to a higher level as I do for you.

my love of woman belongs to you and you alone woman,

your number one fan

ps. I hope im not overthinking everything. I just dont want to disappoint you. I’ll behonest im still scared im gonna fail heavily somehow. Like everything gonna be too heavy and I make a giant blunder that destroys people’s faith in me. Please keep me in your prayers. I feel as though you have more faith than me at the moment. Im so lost and confused. I hope we both live forever with God one day. Love you more than my own family. I will wait longer if you need more time. I still feel unworthy of praise glory or adoration. Thats probably a good thing:) Stay strong, stay patient. And remember you won the grand prize as I did. I guess you could say we are the grand prize. Let us be an example for the whole whole world to see what true love looks like. Sacrifice for me and I will sacrifice for you. Love me and I will love you harder. Stay true and all the other girls will seem ugly and undesirable compared to you. Give me great healthy strong smart children and you will be loved more in old age by this man, immensely more. I love you in this life as if your the only girl that mattered. Cause you are to me.


do you like these letters im writing you? It would be so much fun to hear from you. I don’t care if the whole world watches us every step of the way. I want them to see your beauty your grace your womanhood of brilliance. And that mind of yours… I want the whole world to see your so much more than just a pretty face. I want everyone to see woman have so much to offer and give without trying to be manly from feminisms. That being feminine requires a different type of strength and has a far greater beauty than anything men can accomplish. I wanna brag about you without having to say a single word. That the whole world sees you magnificent soul in action and young girls say : I wanna be like her, a diamond of a woman who proves that women are beyond priceless when they embrace womanhood and motherhood. ( and chastity.. virgins are far more attractive and beautiful… if you wait till marriage everything will be better ) I love you so much I know you won’t disappoint.


sorry… if you dont want the whole world to see you no one will. I forgot I ued to be like that,, to hate everyone watching me or focusing on me. I guess Ive kinda lost myself in a way because I know everyones watching me and ive adjusted. If you want privacy we will have that . I understand you dont want the whole world watching. I just am so proud of you I wanna show you off and brag about you. We will have privacy for your sake. I love you

To all the women out there that think there my soul mate:

This is like highlander.. there can only be one. Why would I want more than one wife? I cannot treat them as well as just one. I can’t bond as deeply, feel as close or discover her inner beauty as frequently and deeply. If I truly am desirable… I want the best woman for me. If two becomes one I want a woman that is on my level who is worthy of me and my sufferings and abilities. I desire someone that would not only bring out the best in me but have enough to offer with enough creativity and personality to last me for thousands of years and beyond. I want the kind of girl that wants to be there for me when im down. The one who is willing to suffer and go through hard times to ease my pain, as I would do the same for her. The one who understands right from wrong and chooses to be live a virtuous lifestyle. The one who loves the idea of veracity and is on a mission in life to seek after truth and uncover more and more though mistakes triumphs and everyday life experiences. The girl who I could waste time doing just about anything and be happy just because im with her. The one where no time is wasted when im spending time with her because she is so precious. The one who is strong but merciful, wise but meek, and courageous but level headed. Who knows her role and submits but has ideas and thoughts that contribute to my success and brainstorming. Someone who will sacrifice for our children and care more about them than me. Who values life and sees the beauty in creation and desires teh the best for all yet understands the consequences of sin and vices. Who dreams the highest but realizes the limitations of the virtues of the human race. The one who never gets tired of hearing I love you and never loses her affection for my love. Teh one who would forgive me when I make huge mistakes yet pushes me to be the best I can be. Who isn’t ashamed to call me her lord but understands a lord is only as great as his subjects allow him to be. Who will never betray me and despises the wickedness of the world. Who understands that I am a traveler of time and change yet does her best to help me keep the best of me in tact. Someone who would love me as the only man she’s romantically involved with, the only lover she would ever consider.


a psycho who is mad about his love

Are my standards too high? Am I reaching for the heavens? Does this love exist on earth? What does she desire in a man? Can I live up to these or her standards? I feel like im gonna fail miserably, but at least ill aim for the heavens.

love aint love without her

I conquered my demons

struggling with their throws

and continuous attacks

finally at peace with myself

yet Im nothing without her

I accomplished wonders

wrote words of beauty and elegance

transpired poetry transcending veracity

yet I long for her sweet love

I understood secrets

hidden from the whole world

truths that took me a trip to hell to discover

yet all seemed wasteful Wihtout her presence

I sought after love

I found love here and there

from friend acquaintances and strangers

all there for me but I feel empty

that deep connection between man and woman

the kind that makes two one

that transcends logic

and makes love between the two

cover ever facet of the being

and combine them to one entity of completeness

she is perfect for every part of me

My mind

searches for a voice of reason

a wise woman who weeks after truth

and despises knaves and wheedlers

who understands right from wrong

and speaks the words of comfort

my body

desires a soul that keeps herself pure

no ugly stains on her perfect skin

no metal hooks to contaminate

only pure raw natural beauty

that has no nothing to hide

my soul

wants the one and only

the matching mate that matches me

the passion that driving both of us together

equal to mine in worth and talent

that shines like the sun in the darkest of night

my heart

pleads for a heart of compassion

a beautiful merciful partner

that desire good even for her enemies

who pleads for the less fortunate

and aids the down and and out

my personality

seeks the correlating star

funny serious and deep

carefree steadfast and believing

she who gets me and returns the favor

with words of comfort joy and laughter

if I exist she must

I failed

miserably I sought after love

seeking one worthy

never finding one to call mine

I prayed

diligent I sought a higher power

to solve this crisis within

time after time I poured out my soul

I wrote to her

an imaginary figure

hoping she was real

the one id be one with

im waiting

calling out to her endlessly

wooing her with my best

knowing she must exist

because I do

I was born to go through hell

battle my demons and rise above

daily seeking forgiveness from God

while daily pushing myself to righteousness via faith

finding my path upwards

I was born to sacrifice

to forgo my dreams aspirations and hopes

all for the pruning and testing of worth

challenging myself hourly to self control

to make myself an agent of goodness

I was born to love

to cherish the souls around me

and pray for all who cross my path

hoping none suffer eternally

even the worst of all I pray for mercy

I was born to be with her

the one I love made specifically for my being

the one who makes two into one

who complements my weaknesses

and becomes my strength

as I love her more than myself

ive been crazy before

losing my mind to an uncontrollable illness

suffering constant mental pain

taking years to recover

with the looming possibility of relapse

ive been crazy again

methodically seeking pleasure

craving that one more act of bliss

addicted to the pleasure

never able to escape

ive been crazy still

seeking a religious way via faith

to desire to be Gods best friend

is it sanity or insanity ?

is it pride or servitude?

ill be crazy again

when I met her face to face

the dream of my life

the hope of my prayers

the answer to the question

am I alone in this world?

what would you give

to have a soul mate

to have an equal in worth

to look at a stimulating counterpart

to meet the girl of your dreams

what would you give?

what would you sell

to be closer to your better half

to communicate with more effectiveness

to understand their pains and struggles

and come together closer as one

what would you sell?

what would you sacrifice

to make your unity eternal

to stay together forever

with bonds of steel and love

transcending space and matter

what would you sacrifice?

I dreamt of her

religiously following the good Word

practicing the acts of truth and mercy

living by faith without fear

helping those around her like an angel

without the recognition of a saint

I prayed for her

that she would stay true

to her convictions and beliefs

tho the world tempt her right and left

that she stay loyal to her first love

as her love for others sees fruit

I desired her

to love cherish and hold her

as my one and only

to help her on her quest for justice

to aid her in her spreading of mercy

to seek the Higher Power together

I sought strength

I fought a good fight

I bleed bruised and was beaten to a pulp

I went the distance only to lose

feeling devastated by my failures

but I learned through it all

there can be no strength without pain

and came to embrace the struggle

I sought to be brave

I opened up my heart

I was scared to reveal my demons

but what Is courage really?

is it standing up to the man?

Or fighting off your demons?

courage from villains is carnage

tackling you demons is the epitome of bravery

I desired wisdom

but I asked foolish questions

again and again I asked

to no avail but mockery

until I realized though it all

by asking the foolish questions

the foolishness left me

replaced by understanding

I doubted everything

my beginning my future

I didnt think I could last

I wasn’t strong enough to do it

not on my own

but a higher power

an omnipotent being

if I believed in Him

by seeking obeying and believing

I would do wonders

I was lost

with nowhere to turn

nowhere to run and hide

desperate for aid

I sought help anywhere

people couldn’t cure the sorrow within

others couldn’t understand my troubles

they gave me no reason to live

but if I relied on HIs grace

it all made sense

and the pain eradicated

my spirit was weakened

by constant wear and tear

everyday life worn it to the brim

the struggles within caused pain

it amplified the strife within

my spirit was in perpetual turmoil

but His spirit was enough

not the strength the power or the might

but the Spirit itself gave life

leaving me at ease with divine peace

I believed in myself

after years of inner turmoil

it seemed to go well

I thought I could succeed

but I came to realize

I couldnt do it on my own

my vanity got me high

but when I went alone I fell

sinking like heavy metal

I realized I needed more

more than just self

I sought aid through others

I trusted them

they did the best they could

they gave me as much as I gave them

together we accomplished some

but we fell short

I wanted so much more

but we just weren’t enough

failure after failure

turmoil after turmoil

proved even together

just aint enough

I had no where else to turn

was life a joke?

A painful realization of failure

a haunting memory of shortcomings

yet I sought the Living God

a faith in the Higher Power

hoping to find meaning

His Word spoke to my heart

saying that faith in Him

was the only faith that lasted

that He couldnt fail

that even in our failures

there was a silver lining

of a soul enriched by His power

my future lover,

I pray that you find your way to me at the right time. The anticipation is killing me. I feel like a child waiting years for Christmas Day, as if every day I thought the next would be Christmas but I must wait in perpetual daily limbo. I desire so much to finally meet you. So many questions would be answered. So much doubt would be set free. IF I could just hear you say your perspective I could realign what the voices say to reality. You are my way out. The counterbalance to the insanity inside. The mental stability to combat my illness. I believe in you, even if I dont believe in myself. I shouldn’t elevate you beyond what you are, but I believe you are that great. You know what im terrified of? That somehow in the matrix of life im greater than my Master. I dont want that. I dont desire that. It terrifies me to no end. How can I teach or guide Him? Yet the voices haunt me dear. Im terrified of both being greater or being blasphemous by even suggestion anyone can be better. Forgive me God!!!! I wish I was never born for so many levels and ways. Im scared woman. I fear there is secrets hidden in reality that were untold. I trying my hardest to fight them but they consume me. Please bring me back to reality. Tell me the truth !!! I need it desperately. Please meet me soon.. you have no idea how much I need you. You are the pillow that comforts my head on me bed when im weary …. the coat that keeps me warm in the winter… the electricity that lights the lightbulb for me to see clearly… I LOVE YOU

love ya im exhausted

my love is animalistic

I long for you

as a airborne fish longs for water

I need you

as wolfs need a pack to belong

I feel alone without you

like a bird of a feather with no together

I thirst for your presence

as a gazelle water in a Savanah

I hunger for your company

like a staved bear in a roman coliseum

I desire suicide without you

like a dolphin with no other of his kind

I think of you constantly

like a bumblebee seeking honey

I lay traps to catch your heart

as a spider lays a web

I listen to your voice im my head obediently

as a perfectly trained water seals

I feel depressed Without you around

waiting as a dog awaits his master

I travel over land and sea to migrant to you

as the migration of birds

I fight other males for your love

as a male lion wins over his mate

I stay loyal my whole life for you

as a penguin chooses the one and only mate for life

Dear world,

are we bound for a collapse of society? Are we going beyond depression? Is there a way out? I feel so guilty. Like I shoulda done something, done more. People cant afford to live in this society anymore. Inflations outta hand. How do we fix this? And all I want is a stupid soul mate. And what if I cant get my medicine? Because society collapses? I just may take my life. The pain is too excruciating. Is there any way I can solve this? Is there any way anyone can solve this? Please help God!!! Please save your people.. please save white civilization. I may never met her…because I may die. It was a dream worth chasing. The thrill gave me ecstasy. If I ever do meet her I will love her more than my own soul. I will cherish her beyond words. I will put her in front of my wants and desires because her happiness is my want and desire ( unless times are tough and I have to make mullistic decisions to protect or provide for us). DId I create a new word? Mullisitic? Does that count? Things that you mull over. anyway. I love her so very much. And I hope she understands the depth and breath and width of my love. Jesus forgive me for my idol. I am only able to love her like this because she loves you as much as I do. I will remain loyal and faithful to you and if she turns and forsakes you, I will turn and forsake her. I learned that Jesus said literally “daddy, father” when He endured the wrath of man. I dont know why but that gives me the goosebumps. The depth of Him calling the Father daddy at HIs weakness. Like He’s crying out to HIS dad saying “I do this for you dad. The pain is excruciating beyond words. I never wanted this. But I love you so much I did it. Did I met your requirement? Did I pass your test? This was all for you. Because you were always there for me. I wanted you to approve of me. I wanted you to know I would do anything for you. I gave it everything. I remember when we were young and we had it all, when I called you daddy. I did this all because you were always so good to me. Because you always gave me your all. Im glad I could do this for you. Because you mean the world to me. And all creation is you handiwork. Im glad I could do this for you. Your the best dad ever. I love you daddy.” It just hits so deep. I could write a sermon on Jesus calling the Father “Daddy.” Forgive me Lord for my sins. Keep me true to you dear Savior. If you want me to give us my soul mate, I would for you “bro.” adopted but still. DO you want me to die for you? Like you did your Father? Only without the wrath of man on me? I love you brother.


the madman.

ps soul mate… my flame for you burns as an exploding star… I cannot contain the power of its reach. It perpetually shines in my heart. I dont think Ill ever run outta of ways to say I love you. And My love is eternal. Like my masters.

dear soul mate…

I want to die. Im terrified of being punished eternally. Im terrified Im some pawn being used for another goal. That I will never break free or find peace because im gone be used for torture for others benifit. That im doomed to despair eternally. That I dont have the forgivenesss within me so I cant go to paradise. That Jesus hates me and is the bad guy while He orchestrates my torments ( im so sorry Lord). That I dont have the faith to win. That there is so many secrets out there as my mind races forward backward and every which way. THat im uncovering secrets but they all turn out to be lies. Who are you soul mate? The voices make It sound like im in love with a diety. Thye go abck and forth whether she’s good or not. sometimes she loves me sometimes its like she wants me to suffer forever or lose my manhood. If I dont get better ill blow my brains. It gets. hard soemetimes. I dont know how im going to make it to old age. Please have someone assasiate me Lord!!! Please kill me in my sleep!!!!!

I think I love God and now im only think I love you

dear soul mate…Do you still love me? After my confusion, my doubts, my shortfalls? Im not a good person. I believe the voices even when they make no sense. There is no female deity. If one exists she isn’t mine. Not like you. You understand and comprehend my insanity. Who am I? a mere cripple… dependent on pills to get by. . a lazy slob that desires so much more than he deserves. I may die soon. You have no ida how painful a breakdown is… If the pain and sleepless nights come back… I just cant take that…. Im not strong enough. I should be worried.. but that pain haunts me and I dont wean go back. Maybe im not read for you after all. I cant seem to win\

I still love you.

dear soul mate,

I may never meet you in this life time. I want you to find a good man and have as many children as you can. Im serious. I cant sleep day 2. The pills aren’t working. Thankfully the pills take away the pain at least. If the pain comes back without sleep I will be suicidal. If the hospital cant find anything I will be in so much pain ill lie to get out and kill myself. You have no idea how excruciating the pain gets. I cant last long if I dont have any medicine to help. I wish I coulda just went on one date with you. Just one time to tell you life was worthwhile because I knew you were out there. I love you but I cannot take that pain. PLEase pray I get my faith back,,, so I can finally be at rest. thanks for teh fun

ill make are your life is fantastic when im in heaven,… with as much as I can

I will always love you

maybe if I can kill myslelf I can finally see those eyes…

I just cant sleep

ive I cant find something to get me sleep the nightmare is too much

I cant go through what I did if the medicine doesn’t work

there’s no way I have teh strength to undure that

do you think Gods mad at me? like I screwed up royally for believing gnositcis stuff? OR maybe I blasphemed teh Hily Spirit? I wanted so bad to be a good guy. With every fiber of my being and every action and every thought I wanted to follow Jesus. But I failed so hard. I let Him down. I just wanted to be HIs friend. But I got an idol with an imaginary girl. If I wind up in hell God knows why and God is right. Im sorry God. Im sorry im so weak. And im sorry I said I wanted to be Jesus s best friend. That;s pride and blasphemy. And Im sorry I dont pray no more. That I dont spend time with oyu like I used to. It was always hard God… but I always felt your loving presence. That even if the whole world rejected me I had one friend named Jesus who thought I was cool and worthy. I feel horrible I lusted after you sexually. I feel worse I shared it with the whole world. If I do go down, Im sure people will look down and say ” He got what He deserved.” Ill still love you tho Jesus. Even if you send me to hell ill be happy you didn’t suffer anymore.

I dont want to kil myself. tss just im scared. If the medicine I have doesn’t work, what if they cant find any medicine that takes away the pain or helps me sleep? ill have no other choice with the pain. Wanna hear a crazy thought? What if God just heals me? That He says “enough of the pain… I am the Lord that health” and has mercy on me. But I doubt that’s gonna happened. I used to believe so much that that would happen I went off my medications. And look where that got me. I think it helps people to believe if I suffer more. OR something like that. I dunno. What if I actually did miracilously got better? But what is the will of God? Not my will but thine. I probably need to suffer more. GOd can heal me instantaneously if HE chose

I understand that a lot of. people may take their lives if I do. And the pain of my soul mate would be equal to my pain. So im gonna do everything in my power to not kill myself. I just know how bad it gets. When the demons are chanting your soul will taste good in hell and its painful and ocnitunous. I just cant bear it… but ill try to hold on as long as I can. For you guys. Cause I love every person I ve ever met.

THANK GOD… I got a great nights sleep. But if the medicine doesn’t work… that pains too unbearable.

I can go on. Maybe I will see her yet. Sorry for the scare but I was terrified.

dear soul mate:

forgive me. I dont mean to scare you I was as scared as you are. If I felt the pain from rejecting my medication id have hope. But what if my medication just stops working completel? where do I go to relieve the pain? Please tell me you didnt give oyur life for me. DOnt you dare come to earth to be with. THE only way is it God let you keep your painless sorrow less state or wiped you memory of the bliss of heaven. I love you

love you so much,


ps im sorry if I stopped a rightoeous war. If we need to go to war im behind the conservatives 100. But I just feel like there needs to be.a massive awakening or revival first for people to get right with God. I down wanna screw things over.

to the one I desire,

THe million dollar question is this: are you an idol? A man tried to convince me you were an idol at work once. Anytime I talk to you to my mom she says your an idol. She says satans teh one putting that brining desire for you in my life. That satan is the one that makes me want you so bad. The scripture says if a man is burning with desire he may marry. Is that implying that that burning desire is evil or of satan? CS lewis once said something along the lines of if you make one person the importance of your life you’ll lose them and be dissapointed one day. Even after all that.. all I want is you. Im a terrible Christian. You have no idea hwo hard ive prayed for GOd to take away this desire. TO male me asexial and not care for women. I keep telling HIm id give you up for HIm. BUT would I? Maybe you are an idol. Maybe im a heretic. I just dont want anythign in this life right now. NOthing but you. Thats the definition of idolatry. But is it idolatry if they bring you closer to GOd? because that’s why I reject every woman. They aren’t CHrisitni. they dont believe like me. Their GOd isnt mine. And im so lost cause I don care about other peopel as much. I dont care about my family as much. I just trust you can restore me. Maybe I live in sin wih this desire for you. I crave your everything. But you know what… I still feel like I love God more. Im not just saying that. If I found out you were pro lgbtfags id be furious and want nothing to do with you. IF I found out you had a tattoo id quote scripture where HE and says no marks on your body even for the dead and leave you. if I found out you didnt have faith in GOd I could tell by our conversations and I would drop you like snow falling from the sky, leting you melt in the grass. I have a wierd ciomplextion. BEcuase taht is why love you so much nbecaseu you love God so much. Because I finally found someone that loves God like me and as much as me.

do you love me or God more?

cause if Im an idol in your life I dont watn you

love your chosen man of God

honestly that’s why I was crazy about that other girl that’s a little older… I felt like she really loved Jesus and that the number one thing I desire. in a girl. She seemed dedicated in everyday she lived. I want that in you dear.

maybe my faith aint strong now but it will recover. ITs what made and molded me into the amn I am. IT was trained me right from wrong. it was guides me still despite all my unbelief. Its the reason I held on when I didnt want to . The reason I had hope when I had no were to turn. I haven’t forgotten you Jesus. YOUr still number one in my heart

I cant hold on much longer!!! I NEED TO SEE HER!!!! MY HEART IS IN PAIN!!! Like its useless without her… here’s a poem for you my dear:

What good is a heart?

with no one to share it with?

with no one to love more than feelings

with no one to sacrifice for

with no one to call your lover

what good is a mind?
if it stays to itself

and shares nothing with another

keeping all its secretes and talents

locked up within

what good is a soul?

alone wandering the earth

with no equal no better half

no one to calm it in the rough times

and illuminate it in the good

I sought her

an imagination?

a faulty dream?

a vain desire?

a selfish ambition?

yet she seemed so real

I thought of her beauty

everywhere everyway allconsuming

intertwined with her dna

not an ugly cell within

only pure beauty

emanating from her soul

I waited for her

wasting time working

wasting time eating

wasting time sleeping

wasting time waiting

yet all this is worth it

just to be with her forever

if I exist… she must

if I feel pain… she must feel more

if I burn with passion… hers must be crippling

if I have a standard… her beliefs must align

if I miss her more than life… she must have waited ages

if I believe in truth… she must have a strong foundation

if girls desire me… boys must surround her relentlessly

if I have longing… she must feel like hell

if I have love for her… she must have uncanny love

if I want no other… she must have eyes just for me

if I believe in God… she must be a saint

If I have understanding… she must have a brilliant mind

If life is pain… she must be the silver lining

if diamonds are precious… she must be the perfect rock

if humans have worth… she proves it

if man was made for love…. woman was made to experience that

if twain become one… I want us to be one forever

if death separates us.. we will reunite

if loneliness were a disease… she would be my cure

if sacrifice were the only way… id sell my world for her

if she loves me… ill never let her go

Maybe im taking it too far… maybe this obsession is unhealthy… I just want her so bad on so many levels… Im obsessed with women…. they make me happy… and im dreamed up teh most perfect women and desire her with burning rage.. I cant shut it off… please kill me God.. or take away the pain from not having her around

im an idolater. Everyone was right. I desire her more than God. I care about her more than Jesus. I love her like a woman with so much love. Im sorry Christ. Im sorry I have this idol. Forgive me. Help me to leave her behind. I shouldtn love her so much. I shouldnt be willing to sacrifice more for her. I shouldnt seek her more. htan I. seek oyu. Im evil. Please forgive me. Help me to lsay my idol. TO forget about her for good. I hope id dont confuse her. I want what’s best for her. ANd that’s no t me. GOd a lmighty forive for thsi burning rage. FOr this obssesion. im sorry.

look deeper, beyond the flaws

I wanted the world

the moon and the stars

best life with the best woman

a wonderful set of kids

but I had nothing to give

nothing to earn it with

or prove my worth deserved that

I wanted the best attributes

strength of the heart

courage to die for those I loved

wisdom to know when to fight

but I was shallow and vain

with nothing to say

and little interactions to prove

my worth to obtain such gifts

I desired greatness for myself

to rise above my struggles

to be strong in the face of adversity

and conquer my demons perpetually

to be there for others when I was in pain

but I was pathetic

unwise cowardice weakness

those were my strengths

I couldn’t even save myself

what business did I have

giving my hand of help out others

when both of us would sink?

I looked in the mirror

and saw the most frightening thing

helpless alone confused

searching for a way out

everything boring me

while at the same time overwhelming

but I looked deeper within

deeper beyond the blues that consumed

and I saw determination

I saw hope in a higher hope

pain that could be healed

and the force within growing

ready to forget forgive and conquer

I kept the pain inside so the world wouldnt worry

I looked inside my blues

and found bloody red pain

surrounding me circling my body

ready to escape the body

and spill my bloody pain everywhere

But I focused on the blue

holding all that pain inside

keeping the worst of me inside

while trying to shed rays of hope

battling optimism and heaviness

Yet the red kept me going

the painful bloodiness within

kept the strength inside

while showing the carefreeness

and bliss of my baby blues

that gave the whole world hope

IS IT idolatry or love

if youd die for her

give-up your well being for hers

would people call that lust or love?

willing to sacrifice everything but Christ

giving up vanities to be with with her

is that idolatry or love?

when nothing else satisfies

and you feel so shallow alone

is that obsession or love?

if you pray for her constantly

to love God more than you

is that a selfish lies or love?

if you’d leave it all behind

just to be with her in this life

is that vain worship or love?

if you desire nothing more than to be with her

but you still love God more

is that elevating the creature or love?

if the only way you’d leave her

was if she left Jesus and didnt have Him first

is that covetousness or love?

if you promise God you’d give her up

if He told you to

and were willing to walk alone in this life

is that obedience or love?

I can make it on my own

that’s fine with me

I dont need any other

ill just hold in this loneliness

and bear alone these burdens

It might be a lot less meaningful

it might feel empty and shallow

with just me and myself to keep me company

but I can work the 9-5

for no one but myself

I might wish upon the stars

for something to make me feel alive

drifting slowly through time and space

dreaming that I were a different kind of man

who didnt care about family posterity or love

as I slowly grind aimlessly for just myself

look finding someone else in your life won’t solve your problems. I shouldn’t write dumb poems like that. Thats just who I am and how I feel. God will satisfy.

if I waited a thousand years

would you still love me?

Or would you need others to sustain you?

if I promised you

would u believe?

would it be strong enough to keep you going?

if I faltered

could you forgive?

how much could you take from me until you couldn’t?

if i lost my mind

would you be there to heal?

how much could you take from my insanity?

if God asked me to die for Him

would you be able to carry on?

would you take care of our posterity and carry on?

if in heaven we weren’t married

would you still be my friend?

would you still be into me after ten thousand years?

dear woman,

I can be very very boring. I hope you can handle that. I hope you understand that love is in the little things. The sacrifices you make. The opportunities you lose to be with them. The small talks where you have nothing to say but just enjoy each other so much you talk about the weather just to hear them speak. The meals made with love, the chores done for the other, the money made from hard work just to provide. The small experiences that would mean nothing with a stranger but everything with your love just because you love them so much. The quiet times where you say nothing but just enjoy their presence. The common enjoyments you share solely because your love cares so much about it and that alone makes you interested in them. The love of what’s right and hatred of evil that makes you both burn with passion against them and strengthens the bonds between you two.

I may be a weirdo a quiet one





Look.. im gonna be honest. Ill try my best… but a mamas more important than a dada in for a baby. ill try to help out but I think ill be mostly useless. I want as many kids as God will bless us with. ANd im gonna kinda need you to be a superhero. I hope are children turn out as beautiful as you in their character and beliefs and I hope they love God as much I used to and will once again. So my names… you better friggin like em woman!!!! that’s my contribution…. I hope they are your joy and bring you rejuvenation as we teach them right from wrong and the things that matter in life. I hope they give you back all the love and dedication you gave them . that they make you proud and honor your wishes. Just so you know a huge reason im so picky about women is that I want the best possible mother for my kids. Someone that will be there for them in the worst times. a woman who they love so much that even teh thoughht of suicide makes them feel horrible at what that would do to you so tehy take the pain and come to you for healing. I hope youre a better mother than I am a father.

I tried giving her up

but she was never there.

How can one give up what one doesn’t have?

a dream perhaps… give up your dream

but this isn’t a dream or a goal or a hope

its concrete fact of feeling

how can I stop loving if it doesn’t exist?

unless it does but its just not tangible…

air cells faith all exist without being seen

so my love… she must be real

for how can I feel this passionate

about a fake person?

how can we be together apart?

when we’ve never seen talked or even greeted

how can two love without their other half?

one day… one day soon

we will complete our broken halves

we will prove that eros exists….

srry to the whole world ive been wasting my talent of mind on a stupid girl… When I meet her ill try to get back on track and write pieces of goverenment nature and hopefully when my faith is back on religious truths. rigght now I just care about her so sorry about that….but I think the answers are already out there by honest people… they just need to be heard

the best answers

often come from the strangest questions

how does one know an answer

unless first a question is conceived?
to wander the mind is to dare to ask

creativity begins with curiosity

but solidifies itself with truth

ask is the first step to receiving

seeking the first step to finding

and wondering the first step to discovery

desire without limits leads to obsession

obsessions leads to cloudy mind

and clouded mind to mistakes

can desire be satisfied?

for how long to what limit

or does it burn uncontrollable like the sun,

never achieving its goal

is desire the opposite of satisfaction?

what is meaning without understanding

or virtue without truth?

if love is an action how do perform it?

how do I let her know




take a good look in the mirror

what do you see?

a failure?

who defines success?

its you isnt it

not the media society or people you know

its what you agree with them on

but objectively what Is a failure

one who never finds himself?

for what man at peace within see himself as a failure

who never conquers his demons?

because if you can beat the worst of you there is no greater success story

who never finds God?

because God can give you worth beyond comprehension

look in the mirror

what do you see?

do you see the ability to transcend your limitations?

to empower others?

to lead an army of saints?

but what are you living for?

what are your aspirations?

do you aim small miss small

and gradually build up your skills?

or do you aim for the moon

and seize the stars as youre in the heavens

does your natural talent shine

for no one to see but you

when you look in the mirror

are you surrounded by naysayers

who doubt your ability?

do you see your scars unhealable

that hold you back from perfection

do you see a waste of life

that you stick out the bird to

and despise the man in the mirror

how does one overcome baggage

how does one conquer himself

and hold control over his selfish desires?

perseverance is a daily progress

one that oscillates between success and failure

until finally you stand on two feet victorious

years later… looking back at the baby steps

you took that took you where once thought unreachable

I sont know what those are … not really poems … just ramblings … my inner mind just churning… I dont lknwo if I was going for meaning or just rambling… take it how you will…

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